lillamy

I think that I've stuffed a lot of stuff in order to have the energy I've needed to deal first with logistics and then with my children's reactions to trauma/separation/divorce etc. And it sort of blew up in my face this week.

See, I still have these nightmares about RAXH. Sometimes, the dreams are quite inocuous -- like last night, one dream was about how I was forced to go clothes shopping with him and tell him whether things fit him or not. But I was forced to. I didn't have a choice. I couldn't escape. We were in this room where all the doors led to fitting rooms and there were no doors that led out. The worse dreams have been about him being drunk and abusing the children and me being paralyzed and unable to help or scream for help or anything.

And then I'm tired because I don't sleep well. And overreact to things. But I've also pinpointed a few more relationships where my role is to do what the other person expects of me. And that's never appropriate outside of a work situation where you actually have a job description. There's no job description in my other relationships that says I have to do what other people feel is right or appropriate.

I'm tired and I've been crying for two days and that doesn't make me any less tired.

Babyblue

Maybe it isn't that it blew up in your face but that you stuffed it all in to cope. So now that things are calmer (I assume), you are starting the important work of emotionally processing what you've just gone through. It sucks but it kind of has to happen. Trying to hold that back is more harmful.

I stuffed for years something very hard (dealing with a sick child) and one day I broke and it was very messy, unhealthy and scary for others to witness. I thought I had to stay strong for others but even if you feel like you are coping, that stress is still there, needing a place to go.

But yeah it is very exhausting work.

stella27

I wish I were more patient and could understand better how much I need this time that I am getting. Away from most relationships altogether - not just love and dating.

I know that our children actually keep us moving forward and very, very strong, and that is as it should be, but I am often surprised by how often I need to take a step back from friendships and other relationships and actually have the quiet time.

What I wonder is whether I will ever be whole?

You could discuss an anti-anxiety ssri with your doctor? Anxiety is awful and you need your sleep. Just keep on feeling it. It's hard and it hurts, but you gain nothing by continuing to stuff it. ((hugs))

Ladybug0130

Yeah, I am probably stuffing right now. I spend all my time worrying about how my kids are going to handle things, I think it's easier than thinking about my own life. I have noticed I must be a little depressed though, I am unusually unmotivated and lazy. It IS exhausting!

wicked

lillamy,

i am sorry you are feeling so stressed.

:ghug3

Beth

Tuffgirl

oh lillamy, I am sorry. Here's a virtual hug. It's spring, the sun is (kinda) shining and the birds are chirping, can you take the crew for a walk and get some fresh air? I just got back...it was great, just what I needed. It smells so fresh outside, like springtime in Alaska!

I have insomnia as the light comes back, so I take one tylenol pm each night. I don't remember my dreams most of the time. But the nightmares that I have had were buggers...and I consider it unfinished business that are brains are processing through while we sleep. I mean, the brain is still working, you know?! So maybe this is the beginning of some calm after the storm, which you are in right now. Let it all out, cry all you need, feel bad, and then give it over to the HP.

As I get closer to the move date - I feel more anxious. I know this will tear open a scab that it not fully healed and its going to hurt like hell. So I am going to be extra cautious with myself and try not to stuff and try not to verbally vomit my emotions all over everyone else. Decided to hire my daughters two friends to help, instead of bothering the family. I'll be a little more aware of my bad behavior with two 17yr old boys around.

Hang in there, we are all here for you.
~T

lillamy

That's exactly it. It needs a place to go, and it's sort of like a pressure cooker -- I try to let it out in little portions but at times, it sort of... overflows. Like this weekend. And Tuffgirl, you're right -- it has been gorgeous. But it's been one of those weekends for me when the gorgeous has made it worse, kwim? I've been sitting in my car crying and ending my litany with "... and it's GORGEOUS outside and I'm too sad to enjoy it!!!!

Part of it is also this annoying fact of recovery being a lifelong thing. How the setting of healthy boundaries that's completely automatic for normal people will never be automatic for me. I really think it's very similar to having a drink for an alcoholic -- I get cocky and think I'm all better and then I run headfirst into a brick wall that I'm sure wasn't there a moment ago...

There have been many days lately when I've spent a lot of time reading here but not feeling like i have much to contribute. Just know that all of you are lifesavers on a daily basis.

bookwyrm

One of the great things about SR is that you don't have to be strong here... :ghug3

Buffalo66

You nailed it by calling it trauma.

You have been through a traumatic experience, and that doesnt just go away like that*.

Give yourself time to let your feathers unruffle.
NEw skills and realizing who and what deserves your prescious energy take time to sink in.

lillamy

Thank you. You guys are always the best.

brokenheartfool

As difficult as it may be to believe--
you're having those dreams in order to deal with it. You ARE ready for it, or you wouldn't have those dreams. Your mind weighs this stuff and knows when it is time. It also knows when it needs to release things via dreams.
Trust your own mind.
Doesn't that sound nice?
Trust your own mind. It knows what it is doing.

lillamy

Yes. It does. I know that. I'm having a hard time getting the well-meaning people around me to believe that, however...

brokenheartfool

I'm weathering my storms too.
Exah sent me an email that set me back. It was personal. Passive-agressive attack.

It can make me completely unable to even get out of bed on the worst days. Friday and Saturday were horrible. I got up, but I'm not sure I showered.

Yesterday afternoon though I had a good friend visit. A really good friend. The type that yanks you back.
We have to choose who we let in wisely!

TakingCharge999

Not automatic but it will become easier, with the advantage that you are more aware of this and can give yourself prizes afterwards, like your favorite chocolate, a dairy queen blizzard, a flower, a walk on the park, a good book, a ticket to a concert, or just some special treat that YOU love HAH! that's a satisfaction normies can't feel !

I agree with the posts above, many times I have been tired and with a lot of pressure and afterwards, when I got some time to 'recover'... its when I get the down feelings, or fall ill.. because I can finally relax to that process and no longer have to be alert/active/defensive...

Somewhere I read, that if you are not in a physical state of shock, your mind can handle the stress, and dreams, tears, etc are all processes to move forward.. remember we were built to endure and survive.... its our human psyche... our nature.


You are very brave for going through this and not resorting to evasion it gets better, much better!!

PS My weekend SUCKED! I'm glad its over....

bookwyrm

This is what I'm realising too. I don't think I even know what a healthy boundary looks like!