Tuffgirl

Making peace with my trade-offs. Dr. Laura (yes, I am a fan to a point) says,

"For everything there is a price. Your sanity and inner peace come from recognizing, accepting and paying that price. You must make peace with your choices and trade-offs. There are times when such trade-offs - staying in a not-so-good situation for (whatever) reasons - will be your choice. You need to make the choice consciously and maturely. If you don't, you leave yourself open to disappointment, frustration, anger, and hurt. In which case, you are not a victim, you are a volunteer who is not behaving maturely."

I am making a trade-off. I am choosing to walk away from this marriage to an alcoholic, regardless of him being in recovery, to a life again unknown. I am taking on a HUGE mortgage again, knowing it means I may not be able to help my children pay for college as I had hoped (trade-off). It means my old truck will need to keep running for at least two more years while my daughter drives the newer, not yet paid off vehicle with lots of air bags (trade off). It means learning how to be an even better DIY'er who can lay laminate flooring and power wash siding and run a tile saw and can get on a two story ladder with no fear (trade off). It means being overwhelmed and often double booked with two kids and a job to manage (trade off). It means living on a tight budget with little frivolity (trade off). It means asking others for help when I need it (trade off).

What is the real trade off? Accepting my reality as it is today; not worrying if it will change but making it change myself. Living with peace and serenity and harmony. Not having to worry about what he is doing or not doing. Having a cold six pack in my fridge. Going out for dinner and having a glass of wine. Not having someone distort my reality. No more perpetual drama and emotional turmoil. Being able to have some self respect, and know I am setting a good example for my daughters by drawing the line and standing on it. Having faith in a higher power like I have never had before.

What it doesn't mean: my feelings go away overnight. I stopped loving my husband. I failed in my vows and am a "quitter". My life will be perfect and stress-free. I will be perfect and never let anyone down. I can never have a healthy relationship with the RAH. I am no longer scared. I no longer feel embarrassment and shame over this situation. I lose any and all codie ways.

Recovery is a process, not a destination. I am finally enjoying and understanding the process, knowing each day is a new day to do it better or to make a mess, but at the end of the day, this is still me, owning my choices and making peace with them.

dancingnow

Thank you so much TG for separating this out and creating a new post for acceptance. I didn't want to hijack other posts but wanted to have a little more depth of what you were getting at.

I hope to progress to a more healthy place of acceptance. You have put in perspective what it means to accept and make choices in a way that is detached from the alcoholic but still leaves room for loving that person.

Thanks for sharing your courage.

LexieCat

Great thoughts, tg.

Yup, everything in life is a tradeoff of one sort or another. Nobody can really "have it all". As soon as you make one choice, another option is no longer available.

We make the best choices we can, and accept the results of those choices (unless they are positively harmful, in which case we need to figure out another choice).

It's scary to make changes because we don't always know what the future will look like if we make one choice or another. In my experience, though, if I move forward with a little faith, even if I'm scared, I make out a lot better than I would have predicted.

Tuffgirl

I love my husband and miss him terribly - not the alcoholic blamer quacker but the sweet, generous, kind-hearted funny guy I fell in love with. I know that guy is in there somewhere, underneath all that anger. I miss that guy a lot!

But I missed me more. My sanity, my peace, my relationship with my children, having guests & friends over, my extended family, my dogs...none of these things worked while we lived together. They are working now. And that's how I know I am back on the right path for me.

But gosh, I love that guy, I pray for him a lot, that he finds his path to happiness and peace, knowing that may not necessarily be with me.

fineday69

I can relate to everything that you have said. I divorced my AH in January. I still love him very much. He is currently in prison, due to be released at the end of the month. He will be living with his sisters during a ninety day electronic monitoring term. I pray that he will be able to maintain sobriety for his and his son's sake. There is nothing more that I would like than to eventually put our lives together again, but I will have to see actions and not hear words. I have been through that too many times. I have learned not to enable, and not to keep my life on hold waiting for him to change. If he does great, if not I will be fine. For now we are friends, working together for the sake of our children.

FindingPeace1

Bless your heart for such a tender and grounded sentiment.
You're doing so incredible through this!!

Linkmeister

TuffGirl. Your posts are an inspiration to me as I am walking the same path and feeling the same feelings as you are.

Like you, I missed "me" more than my EX. It's taken a while to see that. I see bits of "me" returning slowly since I ended things. I feel at peace with myself...well, most days. Heck, even my dog is a lot more settled. In spite of that, it's still not easy, I so want to talk to him, to see him but I know now that it's not for my best interests, my sanity, my wellbeing.

Like your prayers for your EX, I have given mine over to his HP to follow whatever path in life he chooses.