The skill of Radical Acceptance

Old 04-03-2011, 08:33 AM
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The skill of Radical Acceptance

by Brent Menninger
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance1.html
  • ACCEPTANCE is acknowledging what is.
  • To ACCEPT something is not the same as judging it good.
  • ACCEPTANCE ≠ approval.
  • Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.
  • ACCEPTANCE is the only way out of hell.
  • Freedom from suffering requires going deep within to ACCEPT what "is." Let yourself go completely with what "is." Let go of fighting reality.
  • Deciding to tolerate the moment is ACCEPTANCE
.

Pain happens; it is a necessary part of living. Pain is useful information when you touch a hot stove and move your hand to avoid a burn. If you were without the sensations of pain you would be in deep trouble. But pain cannot always be avoided. The psychological pain of loss of a loved one (grief) is a particularly intense pain.

It is hard to accept many things that happen - the way a loved one died, the way your parents acted, or the way others have treated you. The mind does not want to allow painful thoughts into consciousness, so it avoids these thoughts. When avoidance of painful thoughts becomes habitual, this behavior turns into denial. Denial keeps from consciousness the awareness of pain in oneself or others. The irony is that denial does not decrease pain, it actually perpetuates pain. Until the pain is appropriately dealt with, it will turn into suffering.

Suffering can sneak up on you in many forms. One form is excuses, “it really doesn’t matter” when it really does matter. Also taking the victim role, asking "why me?" And focusing on how badly you feel and not what needs to be done. Righteous anger, “that’s not right” again focuses on how you feel not the reality. Worry makes you passive, “what do I do, what do I do, what do I do" and changes the focus from here-and-now to there- and-then.

Pain can be almost impossible to bear, but suffering is even more difficult. When you refuse to accept pain, you will suffer. When you cling to getting what you want and refuse to accept what you have, you will suffer. Fighting reality, opposing the inevitable or struggling against what is - causes suffering. SUFFERING = PAIN X NON-ACCEPTANCE OF THE PAIN (Suffering is when pain is denied, avoided, or renounced.)

The irony is that denial does not decrease pain, it actually perpetuates pain.

For example, the alcoholic is in denial of how his behavior hurts other people (the pain of abuse and neglect) and hurts himself (damaged relationships, losing jobs, getting DUI’s, and physical problems). To break the vicious cycle of addiction and denial, the alcoholic needs to Radically Accept his addiction by taking the first step in A.A. “We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.” He must accept that he has a disease and accept that his life is out of control. Once he accepts these problems, he can start to take responsibility for what he is doing and how he is treating others. If, however, he remains in denial, everyone’s suffering will continue.

DBT encourages acceptance rather than change, in the tradition of Zen Buddhism. Zen emphasizes acceptance and awareness of the present moment, enhancing intuition, and experiencing emotions without inhibition. Radical acceptance is the dialectical process of embracing AND releasing or connecting AND letting go. Accepting the things you cannot change, awareness of how these things feel, activating wisdom, experiencing serenity.

Some myths about acceptance:

>If you don’t accept something, it will magically change and you won't have to deal with it. (Avoiding going to the Doctor’s office about a changed mole will not magically prevent a diagnosis of skin cancer, it will make it worse).

>If you accept your painful situation, you will give in to it or it will take over your life. (How often have you avoided a “confrontation” only to have it turn out to be much less difficult than you had feared? If you had pursued the confrontation, you could have saved all the time you spent dreading it).

>If you accept your painful situation, you are accepting a life of pain without end. (Actually, with acceptance, you can move on to problem solving).

Acknowledging the truth as it is not what you want it to be. Sometimes it is recognizing what is without judgment or opinion. Radical acceptance strives to be total and complete including mind, heart, body, and soul. Acceptance is the first step toward making a change for the better.
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Old 04-03-2011, 08:47 AM
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Thanks tjp, this post is perfect timing for me. So many posts I've been reading this morning are forcing me to look more closely of my acceptance of what is and this message you posted is a big help.
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Old 04-03-2011, 09:12 AM
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Wonderful post - and so timely today. I am saving this one for later reminder.

Acceptance has been a big struggle for me. I find myself cycling through worry, doubt, victim, righteous anger, and then acceptance on a regular basis...sometimes daily. It comes out when I get stressed or feel overwhelmed and how easy it is to go back to that place! I can see why alcoholics create the scenarios they do - keeps the blame on someone (everyone) else - how handy that is. Acceptance to me also means taking responsibility for fixing it, and I mean that by either living through the emotions, or physically fixing whatever is the problem (confrontation, action, etc.) Once I own it, I have to do something about it, and then I have to sustain that choice, regardless of the outcome.

I made the choice to remain separated indefinitely; to go buy my own house and move on with my life in the direction I know it was meant to be lived. I have found with this choice, I am not "fighting" life. It is all falling into place on its own. I am just enjoying the ride! I set out with this goal in mind, and everything just worked. I don't fight my life anymore. When I get re-involved with the RAH, things start to become a fight again. That has been a great eye-opener for me lately. The difference between the two paths. Someone once told me relationships that are healthy won't be such a fight to happen; they just work.

Thanks, tjp for sharing!
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Old 04-03-2011, 09:26 AM
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Oh, here's the other quote I was looking for...finally found it. (These concepts are authored by Marsha Linehan, the developer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and this is part of one of her lectures...)

So this quote really begins at the TOP of this thread...but here it is..I like the way she breaks it down:


There may be an infinite number of really painful things that can happen to you. But there are not an infinite number of responses you can make to pain. In fact, if you sit back and think about it, there are only four. There are only four things you can do when painful problems come into your life.

What do you think they are? Think for a minute. A problem is in your life, pain, suffering, something you don't want in it. How can you respond?

Well the first thing you could do is you could do is you could solve the problem. You can figure out a way to either end the painful event or you could figure out a way to leave the situation that's so painful. That's the first thing you could do. Solve the problem.

What's the second thing you could do? You could try to change how you feel about the problem; to figure out a way to take a negative in your life and make it into a positive. Alright, so that's the second thing you could do.

What's your other option? You could accept it. So that's the third thing you can do. You could just accept the problem.

Ok. That's not everything you could do. There is a fourth alternative. What do you think it is? You could stay miserable. That's the only other option you've got.

So you've got to either solve it, change how you feel about it, accept it, or stay miserable.
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Old 04-03-2011, 09:59 AM
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Wow, I am going to carry that quote with me. Good for all sorts of circumstances.
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Old 04-03-2011, 10:21 AM
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is just what I need to hear, to read and to understand.

I have struggled so much with acceptance and it has kept me in the worst kind of limbo like TuffGirl described. One day I would be fine, the next day I was back to the struggle and it seemed the struggle was worse than the decisions I was facing.

Over the past while, I kept waffling about my return to school, the ABF's part in my life and whether the two could co-exist in my life. We reached a milestone of three years together and I started to reflect on our times together-the good and the bad.

What I finally realized (and am beginning to accept) is that I made the choice quite a while to live apart from ABF because living together in constant chaos was something I couldn't accept.

Instead of moving ahead, I was going sideways-each time the binge cycle appeared - when I was doing something for me: school, Al-Anon, volunteer work, family visits and each time, I capitulated, hoping that it was "the time" that he hit bottom and embraced recovery. It never happened and the more I hoped, the more I struggled.

When I stopped struggling and accepting what is, my decision became clearer and I made a decision that yes, I was going to return to school, consequences be damned. I enrolled for the courses I wanted and like clockwork, the inevitable happened - the binge, the blame, the anger, the lies. This time, instead of waffling, I accepted what is as opposed as to what could be.

It feels different this time around. While I do struggle, feel anger, sadness and resentment, while I have the urge to call/email or whatever, I work through it. I take the day in 15 minute chunks if necessary. I walk the dog. I go outside for a while, I read a book, I do anything to break that spell. It's like when I use the spray bottle on my dog when he barks - he gets a squirt of water to break his fixation on the cat he is barking at.

I have an Al-Ateen reading by the phone-it has to do with fishing and not taking the bait. I love to fish and I can visualize a nice fat fish looking at a juicy piece of bait and swimming by. That's me, swimming by, not getting caught by the hook, not swallowing his line and getting caught up in the chaos.

Working on acceptance has been hard but in the end, it is worth all what we struggle with because the acceptance while painful for a while, frees us from our denial and allows us to move on with the business of living.
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Old 04-03-2011, 10:38 AM
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This part really stuck out to me, because when I first began alanon, I didnt understand what that meant. I read it over and over, but when your a baby in the program you just dont understand alot of the terms;words; and you dont know what to expect let alone know what to accept;

Once he accepts these problems, he can start to take responsibility for what he is doing and how he is treating others. If, however, he remains in denial, everyone’s suffering will continue.

If, however, he remains in denial, everyone’s suffering will continue


That statement is SO true!!!....And I still have denial days...Dang it!

Until we understand that & accept that...We are in denial!!!
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Old 04-03-2011, 10:42 AM
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Acceptence,Awareness, Action..it is so true.I didn't want an alcoholic/addict daughter, but I got one..once I accepted that, I could move on and deal with it in a new way..I love my alcoholic/addict daughter..she has brought alot of gifts to my life that I would not have seen if I kept fighting it, whining, stayed at the level of the problem.
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Old 04-03-2011, 11:04 AM
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Acceptance is absolutely the best tool in my recovery tool box. It means seeing things as they really ARE, not the way I'd like them to be or how I'm afraid that they might be.

One of my favorite quotes in the AA Big Book comes from a personal story (now entitled "Acceptance Was the Answer"):
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
(Can't cite to the 1st Edition, it isn't in the 1st Edition.)

You don't have to be an alcoholic for that to be true. I believe it is true for every human being on the planet.
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Old 04-03-2011, 03:06 PM
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Thank you a million times for posting this. I scour SR every day for chunks of strength and wisdom and so when I come across something like this, It is a gold mine for me.

I am gonna print this and read it over and over. Acceptance has always been hard for me. Esp as a chronic worrier.
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:14 PM
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I'm glad to see you all are benefiting from the article. I don't think any of us would have a hard time finding an example in a friend or relative where you can clearly see that their NON-acceptance of a situation has kept them stuck in a bad situation.

The example that comes to my mind immediately is my cousin who I love very much. We have been the best of friends our entire lives. 12 years ago her husband had an affair and asked for a divorce. They had 2 little kids at the time..like 4 and 6. He ended up marrying his mistress as well. My cousin is literally wallowing in bitterness to this day. If I'm speaking on the phone with her the conversation always --100% of the time--will turn to "the a$$****". She relates every hardship that comes her way back to him somehow. She is totally enmeshed with him to this day, though in ONLY a negative way. This of course trickles down to the kids who are stuck in the middle. She is miserable in numerous ways and her life is so messed up all because she has refused to let this go and just move the hell on. She has chosen to stay miserable. She chooses that rather than choosing to accept it. I've talked to her about this until I'm blue in the face...she nods her head in agreement then the next hour she's right back where she started. That is a classic example.

I had a crash lesson in acceptance when my son chose to do drugs rather than go to college. I had to accept that the only way to help him was to kick him out of the house. I had to accept that if I did that, he could end up homeless, sick or even dead. I had to accept that my precious son might die. I got there, too. I had no choice, really....not if I wanted him to get better.

I don't have to tell you that was the toughest lesson I ever had to learn.

I now understand this concept very clearly and tough decisions are much easier to make when you take out all the "what if's" of a situation!! See it for what it is...take it...or leave it. Move on.

Wow. Now that is power.
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:31 PM
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I had a crash lesson in acceptance when my son chose to do drugs rather than go to college. I had to accept that the only way to help him was to kick him out of the house. I had to accept that if I did that, he could end up homeless, sick or even dead. I had to accept that my precious son might die. I got there, too. I had no choice, really....not if I wanted him to get better.
Yes, this has been the hardest lesson for me too.
Acceptance is power.

I can learn the lesson and accept the power I have now to enjoy my life.
That, I don't need to punish and self-sacrifice because I have failed to save my son.
It has not been my job to save him.
I can love and accept him as he is and try to enjoy some time together when possible.
Otherwise, I am responsible for my life.

Beth
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Old 04-07-2011, 05:55 PM
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That you so much for sharing this. This day is a good day for me to read this. My mom is in the hospital for an intentional overdose. This site, and little pieces like this are the things that keep me moving forward. It really helped when he said that acceptance is not the same as approval. I can accept that my mom has been on a long downward spiral. That does not mean that I approve of it. However, it is reality and I can't change that.
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Old 06-20-2011, 07:25 AM
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Bumping this for Sheneedshelp and anyone else who might benefit.
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Old 06-20-2011, 07:44 AM
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>If you accept your painful situation, you are accepting a life of pain without end. (Actually, with acceptance, you can move on to problem solving).
I think for a long time - I fought acceptance because I thought that meant that I was basically saying, "I'm powerless over alcoholism, there's nothing I can do to control it or cure it... so suck up and deal!" Oh, how wrong was I!! I saw everything in black and white. I saw it as - my AH needs to stop drinking for me to find peace. I saw and accepted that he was an alcoholic (and promptly informed him of my new found information!!)... and then told him that it was HIS problem to fix.... and "could you have this taken care of by the weekend? We have a party to go to!"

I'm developing a better understanding of acceptance... by the grace of God.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:02 AM
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tjp, thanks for the bump. This has been a good read this morning.

Going back to the original post about pain and how you view it and how it effects you was awesome. At some point you have to accept the pain and move on. When I was in the Marines "good training" was training that taxed you to your limits both physically and mentally. You had to learn how to accept the pain of the current situation and move beyond it. We had a saying "Pain is weakness leaving the body". Sometimes you need to move through the pain to achieve the clarity that is on just the other side.

Accepting the fact that my relationship with my AW is over hasn't been my sticking point. That happened with her last binge and I finally moved out. Mine was accepting the pain that comes with introspection and healing. Up until a month a ago I would shy away from it. Since then I have accepted that pain as the cost of healing and I feel like I am coming out the other side for right now but I accept that I will have to go through this process again and again to get to where I need to be.

Take what you want and leave the rest.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:03 AM
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Thank you for the bump. I missed this the first time and it is an excellent article.

One form is excuses, “it really doesn’t matter” when it really does matter. That and passive worry were definitely my downfalls.
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Old 06-20-2011, 06:38 PM
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I love this stuff. It is sooo helpful.




I can't thank you enough of for originally posting this.
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Old 06-21-2011, 04:11 AM
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All I know is that I have wasted a lot of time and emotional energy in my life trying to either change my partner or change myself to fit my partner's needs....neither one worked very well and only ended up building a ton of resentment and bitterness.

I finally figured out (after 50 years on the planet--slow learner) that you either accept the situation or you don't and it's that simple. Acceptance sets you free.

(That's not to say that an attempt at marriage counseling isn't worth the effort--IF both parties are open and willing to do the work. In my experience marriage counseling felt like I was dragging a 200# bag of potatoes behind me as I tried to find the path to a better life.)
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:16 AM
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Very zen. Thanks for this thread!
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