Did we do the wrong thing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Did we do the wrong thing?
AS has been in jail a month. A few months back he called my sister-in-law asking her for help financially. She turned him down and explained to him that my spouse and I did not want her enabling him at all. He was short on his rent and going to be kicked out again!!!! He wanted her to lend him $200.00, or pay his landlord directly. I was shocked he would ask her for help, in the 6 years of addiction he has never asked her for anything. She loves him any time he has been in rehab she sends cards etc. He was extremely upset with us when she turned him down. She was upset with us that she had to be put in that position. He stated it took him 3 days to work up the nerve to call her. Both of her sons are very successful in there jobs. AS has never felt comfortable around SIL's family. She wanted to visit him in jail this weekend. Well he blew up at us for telling her he is in jail. He doesnt want to see her. He said he is embarrased, ashamed, and more so emabarrased asking her for help. She always stated he could come to her if he had a problem. It seems to be all about her turning him down? he expected us to lie to her about his whereabouts. We have only told a handful of people he is in jail. My question are we wrong to have shared this information.? he said we are big mouths, how would we like our private lives exposed? I have never heard him so upset. As for SIL, she wants to visit him next week. He says no, why would she want to visit some crack head, looser, dressed in jail clothes, when she really doesnt give a crap about him. He has consistently gone on about the shame of calling her for help. Where we wrong in telling people AS was in jail?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Katie))) - IMO, you did nothing wrong. He got where he is by his own actions. As I see it, you're perfectly entitled to talk to the situation to anyone you want to. YOU deserve support, and keeping everything a secret from the family is in HIS best interest (or so he thinks)...not yours.
FWIW, when I relapsed, my dad told EVERYONE...relatives, his clients (who I have done trips for - he's an expediter), but they are also friends. The few he hasn't told? I've told, since I've gotten to meet them.
There's not a single person, among all those, that doesn't trust me and admire me, to this day.
Now, when stepmom was severely abusing drugs, got arrested, he didn't want anyone to know...got mad at my niece (stepmom's granddaughter) for telling her friends. I let him have it...told him he had no problem telling everyone when I messed up, and Brit had a right to reach out to talk to someone about it. He got the message.
If he doesn't want to see his SIL in jail, that's his decision and he can live with the consequences.
I wouldn't be telling everyone, obviously, but family and people that really care about him....they ask, I'd tell them.
Big hugs, sweetie. I know this is hard, but IMO you have done are are doing the right thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, when I relapsed, my dad told EVERYONE...relatives, his clients (who I have done trips for - he's an expediter), but they are also friends. The few he hasn't told? I've told, since I've gotten to meet them.
There's not a single person, among all those, that doesn't trust me and admire me, to this day.
Now, when stepmom was severely abusing drugs, got arrested, he didn't want anyone to know...got mad at my niece (stepmom's granddaughter) for telling her friends. I let him have it...told him he had no problem telling everyone when I messed up, and Brit had a right to reach out to talk to someone about it. He got the message.
If he doesn't want to see his SIL in jail, that's his decision and he can live with the consequences.
I wouldn't be telling everyone, obviously, but family and people that really care about him....they ask, I'd tell them.
Big hugs, sweetie. I know this is hard, but IMO you have done are are doing the right thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 17
I am in agreement with Impurrfect. My AH was furious with me when he OD and I told people. He tried to downplay it and said I was making it out to be something it wasnt. Sorry but your family deserves the truth, including friends. I did make it a point to let his little addict friends know what happened and of course I told my close friends. They have to deal with the decisions that they made that landed them in this "ashamed" state. If something you do is going to embarrass you then maybe you shouldnt do it.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I think there is a lot of shame associated with being an addict. My AS has also expressed a lot of anger about people knowing about his disease. But it is what it is. And our secrets can keep us sick.
Your son has the right not to see his aunt if he doesn't want to. Perhaps she can send him a letter instead?
The guilt and anger projected toward us as parents is difficult to endure sometimes. We know that we didn't cause it, can't control and can't cure it but the addict uses our love for them against us. And we're very easy targets because we do love them so very much. And I think sometimes they hope that our love can cure them. And we know it can't or none of us would be here.
When my son hits me with guilt, I use my love as a shield for the verbal and mental abuse. I just state clearly that I love him and I'm sorry that he feels that way.
Please know that you aren't alone. This disease can be very isolating....for the addict and for those who love them.
gentle hugs
ke
Your son has the right not to see his aunt if he doesn't want to. Perhaps she can send him a letter instead?
The guilt and anger projected toward us as parents is difficult to endure sometimes. We know that we didn't cause it, can't control and can't cure it but the addict uses our love for them against us. And we're very easy targets because we do love them so very much. And I think sometimes they hope that our love can cure them. And we know it can't or none of us would be here.
When my son hits me with guilt, I use my love as a shield for the verbal and mental abuse. I just state clearly that I love him and I'm sorry that he feels that way.
Please know that you aren't alone. This disease can be very isolating....for the addict and for those who love them.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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I am in agreement. You did not do wrong.
He is upset? Of course, he is upset, his 'secret' is coming out more and more and he is paying the consequences for his actions.
His:
is BS crap. Another way of trying to manipulate you by guilt.
Cynical is correct ................. in the '3 days it took him to work up the courage to ask' he could have done day labor and made most of what he needed for 'his rent.'
Please don't feed into 'his guilt trip.' This one is on him and him alone.
Love and hugs,
He is upset? Of course, he is upset, his 'secret' is coming out more and more and he is paying the consequences for his actions.
His:
He says no, why would she want to visit some crack head, looser, dressed in jail clothes, when she really doesnt give a crap about him. He has consistently gone on about the shame of calling her for help.
Cynical is correct ................. in the '3 days it took him to work up the courage to ask' he could have done day labor and made most of what he needed for 'his rent.'
Please don't feed into 'his guilt trip.' This one is on him and him alone.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I think Laurie really nailed it..he is sober and NOW has to feel all that embarrassment , shame, etc...that he used to be able to numb out.Anyone can google the name and see who is in jail..he put himself there..if he doesn't like it, I think that's great..it may motivate change.
I think he's only been there a little while, right? My RAD was full on bat sh#$ crazy for at least 2 mo. after stopping using and that was WITH rehab.In time he may look a little more inward rather than lashing out at you..all of this are the consequences of his addiction..it's his "junk" to feel..try to not let it get in your head...
I think he's only been there a little while, right? My RAD was full on bat sh#$ crazy for at least 2 mo. after stopping using and that was WITH rehab.In time he may look a little more inward rather than lashing out at you..all of this are the consequences of his addiction..it's his "junk" to feel..try to not let it get in your head...
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Katie,
As an alcoholic I can identify with your sons situation. We like to think we are good at keeping our secrets, the truth is our secrets are good at keeping us. Secrets are necessary for an active addict or alcoholic to continue denying the reality of their situation and avoid taking ownership for where we are and what we have done.
Your son is asking you to lie about a very public fact: he's in jail. Private lives occur in private, not in a court of law or public detention facilities. If he doesn't like that fact being public, has he considered the option of not doing things that put him in jail?
Misleading others for him only enables him to avoid consequences of his actions. Don't get sucked into that game - it will make you crazy.
As an alcoholic I can identify with your sons situation. We like to think we are good at keeping our secrets, the truth is our secrets are good at keeping us. Secrets are necessary for an active addict or alcoholic to continue denying the reality of their situation and avoid taking ownership for where we are and what we have done.
Your son is asking you to lie about a very public fact: he's in jail. Private lives occur in private, not in a court of law or public detention facilities. If he doesn't like that fact being public, has he considered the option of not doing things that put him in jail?
Misleading others for him only enables him to avoid consequences of his actions. Don't get sucked into that game - it will make you crazy.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Incarceration is the consequence of crime and public information.
His choices and behaviors have consequences.
Sounds like he know exactly what buttons he needs to push to cause you to feel responsible. You can stop this game anytime you want.
His choices and behaviors have consequences.
Sounds like he know exactly what buttons he needs to push to cause you to feel responsible. You can stop this game anytime you want.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I've projected guilt and anger towards others. I did it because I didn't want to accept responsibility for my own stuff. Your son is not ready or willing. Turn the mirror back around on him. The more often he is forced to face his stuff, he'll have no place left to look but at himself.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Maybe you can stop taking his calls from jail until he starts to treat you with the respect and dignity that you, as a human being, not to mention as his mother, deserves to be treated with.
Someone on another thread recommended a book called Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children. This might be a great time to do some reading on this subject so that you are prepared for when your son gets out of jail. Because if nothing changes, nothing is going to change.
Someone on another thread recommended a book called Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children. This might be a great time to do some reading on this subject so that you are prepared for when your son gets out of jail. Because if nothing changes, nothing is going to change.
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