k9forever

Hi all! 1st post here.

I need some advice from those of you in recovery.

I have a male friend (mid 40s) who is an alcoholic/crack addict who is currently doing 120 days in jail for a DUI last year. And since he's in jail now and can't use, he's been talking about staying clean and sober when he gets out.

He has had clean time in the past, but it was short lived (7 months that I personally witnessed). He did do both AA and NA meetings in the past, and is very familiar with the aspects of recovery. I went to many with him, too.

As his friend, I'm being supportive of his choice to give up the chemicals (our 3 year friendship had taken a HUGE hit because I didn't want to be around him while he was using), and I want to make sure to be able to give him at least a little guidance. I, myself, don’t use drugs and am not an alcoholic, though I do enjoy 2 wine coolers on a Friday night with dinner during the summer (I’m such the party animal).

I totally understand the triggers of people, places and things; I personally think he should dump everyone of those so-called "friends" of his, but he’s mulling over right now about how hard it’s going to be to do this.

What I would like to know is what are your personal stories of how you went about changing relationships? Who was the hardest to let go of? How did you get through it? Was there anyone you could continue to hold as a true friend (i.e. they agreed not to use or drink around you)? Etc…

Any and all info is welcomed. The more detailed the better. I have had to give up people in my past – some easy, others more difficult – but he seems to think my experiences don’t count because I’m not an addict (it’s no different, believe me).

If you have any other helpful, insightful tips that I can use to be more supportive, please, PLEASE pass it on!

Thanks in advance

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR, k9forever. This is a great place with lots of resources and many different forums to post on to get guidance from other's experience, sharing and hope. Some of the most important and insightful things I have learned is from recovering alcoholics and addicts.

Most of the folks on this particular forum are the friends and family of alcoholics/addicts and will most likely agree with you that there is only one thing that has to change for the addict choosing recovery and that one thing is........everything.

Unfortunately, the A is the one that has to make this choice for themselves. It seems that if I suggest that for my son......it only makes him want to prove me wrong. lol

I have learned that I can (and should) support my AS in his recovery but cannot enable him in his disease. This means that I can and should allow him to own his recovery because it belongs to him. I can and should allow his sponsor to be the one who offers him guidance.

I hope that your friend finds his time in jail to be a catalyst to sober living.

gentle hugs
ke

k9forever

Thanks for the welcome, Kindeyes

I'm not enabling him, nor am I telling him what he should do. He's trying to decide for himself what he should do about a lot of things, and I'm asking here what sort of advice would be *supportive*. My personal opinion pretty much seems to agree with what I've heard in the rooms, but I absolutely don't want to make decisions he needs to make for himself.

I was just hoping I could get a good idea of what others in recovery did to get through this whole "friends" issue. I can really only ask this question in a forum like this and not in the rooms.

Babyblue

I agree that would be a hard call to make or even suggest. Friends that are also alcoholics, living self destructive lifestyles are a no brainer to remove from your friends life. But a friend who just likes to party or drinks and likes to socialize may be a harder sell.

And so you've gotten all those friends out of your life but there is still liquor in every corner store in many states, bars, restaurants that sell alcohol. Probably it depends upon a person's commitment and seriousness to recovery.

We can't live in a bubble so the stronger the recovery program the less likely those negative influences will be a factor. I personally would support whatever choices my friend made, whether or not I agreed with them.

kittykitty

Advice for your friend~

"you do what's best for you"

That's about it. I don't like to give anyone advice, because no matter how much they tell me, or what I think I know, I can NEVER know everything that needs to be taken into consideration when making a decision about someone else's life. It's their life, and I give them the dignity and respect to live it the way they choose. Same thing I expect others to do for me. I can tell someone what has worked for me in a certain situation, but that's about it.

Of course I'm not perfect (but progressing), and sometimes I do slip and add an opinion here and there, but I'm working on it. I can barely figure out what is best for me, let alone others!
Welcome, and keep reading, you'll learn alot here!

LexieCat

Count me in on the "no advice" team.

What you are calling "support" is really "managing" his recovery. He should be turning to other recovered people for advice about what to do about friends and other issues touching his recovery. If you aren't a recovered alcoholic/addict or a treatment professional you really aren't in a position to know what's best for him. He's turning to you because it's easier than putting his problems out there with the people who can really help him.

zrx1200R

Life's too short, in my opinion. Have no need for elective relationships with alcoholic or drug dependent persons. None. I've done my time. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

TakingCharge999

Hi k9
The best guidance or help one can give others is to live a healthy life. That speaks for itself!

You wouldn't like someone telling you who to talk to or who your friends should be, you have freedom, he has freedom too..

Hugs!!

k9forever

Thank you all for your replies. They really help.

Impurrfect

(((K9))) - I'm going to chime in as both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codependent (have loved ones in my life who are A's-addicts/alcoholics).

I did leave the town where I was using crack. However, crack is on every street corner, here in Atlanta. I even had a coworker,who was "one of my kids" (I'm49) go out on a crack binge for several months. It saddened me, but my recovery was strong. I had to want recovery, for ME, more than anything in my life..my life literally depends on it.

I found SR, and have made some awesome friends, here. Many, we e-mail each other about what all's going on in our lives...pets, weather, moods, work, and yeah...recovery when needed.

Your friend can find the same support I have, whether it be in the rooms, or elsewhere. When someone I care about starts doing the active addict dance, I detach...step away from the relationship. Not because it threatens MY recovery, but because I no longer choose to be a part of that life...on either side.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

k9forever

Thank you, Impurrfect-

He and I don’t hang around when he’s active. He keeps his distance, never puts it in my face, never asks for anything, etc. We’ll talk on the phone often, but I limit the hanging out time. Luckily, I haven’t had to deal with the nightmarish hell that so many have had to deal with. I keep good boundaries with anyone.

BabyBlue mentioned something above that I should have stated in my initial post and that is, yeah, there are the no-brainer people in his life that he knows are just party friends and need to go, but there’s 1 – POSSIBLIY 2 people – in his life where there’s that fine line (1 of which happens to be a mutual friend of ours, not an alcoholic, but he does drink). These are people who he has a lot in common with and drinking isn’t always the goal.

Now, I’m not “managing” his life, and he knows to go to those in recovery for help, but I happen to be the only non-addict in his life (aside from his parents) who he trusts. He’s not replacing AA/NA for my help, however, he does seek my counsel as a person who lives life without the use of any chemicals.

So, this is issue is his, and it’s not something keeping me up at nights He asks for advice and he’ll either take it or he won’t. His life is his own to live. I was just looking for a little guidance as to the best way to advise him concerning this issue.

Buffalo66

I think a repost of this in the Alcoholics forum might help,

But...

I think that having a good, non addict froiend like you is a good thing.
I would not offer any advice about cutting other people out, just make it clear that you are available for doing things on some weekend nights, healthy, easy things that dont involve bars or triggers.

coffeedrinker

welcome to the forum, k9.

one of the cool things about a.a., and the recovery community in general, is that there are so many of us out there in the big world. there are resources aplenty, and he has access to them.

this "helping" or "giving advice" thing goes both ways. he is not used to making his own decisions, and you probably are. he reaches out to you for help and advice, you give it and get a pay-off (feel good of some kind) and the cycle begins. it is not the healthiest way to interact.

you standing on your own two feet, making your own decisions, and your friend doing the same -- then you can come together as friends, in love and respect, and be on equal ground. i would suggest resisting to urge to assist, and telling him that you trust him to make the best decisions regarding this for himself. and, maybe reiterate that there are a.a. and n.a. groups right outside the door for him.

k9forever

Thank you Buffalo! Yeah, just continuing doing the healthy stuff makes perfect sense. We have a good time doing things far away from bars (I hate bars) and we never do stuff with his "friends", so just continuing the good stuff is by and far the way to go. So simple, it's perfect. Thank you