JACKRUSSELLGIRL

It is my birthday and gives me his usual mushy card and ask if I read it and he really means it. Here is what it says:

To My Lovely Wife

None of the pressure
has changed us inside-
you're still my best friend,
my sweet lover, my bride...
the one who gives meaning
to all that I do.
And I am still the guy
who's so grateful for you.

Love Always!


He did ask for a birthday kiss and I was torn. Need strength because I keep telling myself to remember the DANCE, THE DANCE, THE DANCE!!

I have not and do not feel I will ever change my mind, I want a better life. I just need to get through these moments.

Thanks for listening!

PurpleWilder

One word: BLECH.

Alcoholic manipulation at its finest, courtesy of Hallmark. And consider what it is he must be grateful for - having someone around he can blame for everything instead of taking responsibility, someone he can yell at and mistreat so he doesn't have to sober up and work on himself, someone to clean up his messes.

They don't make "Happy Codependent Day" cards but maybe they should....

trapeze

Maybe we can declare a Codependents Day, and solve each other's problems!

XXXXXXXXXX

My birthday was Thursday. It was a disaster to say the least. He told me that he bought me a card. It still hasn't shown up.

I suspect that if he did buy me a card, it is in his car. He had shown up at his ex's house, and she brought him home. His car is locked at her house and I have not seen fit to go get it yet. I also took the keys to his motorcycle. He doesn't even know it was me, he thinks he lost them.

Happy Birthday. Be good to yourself today.

Eddiebuckle

Happy Birthday, JRG.

I'm sorry that you are going through this on what should be a day of joy. What motivates the alcoholic is fear. Primarily fear of not having enough alcohol, but once that's covered it's fear of change, of losing what one has or not getting what one wants. Doing what's necessary to make a relationship sustainable is virtually impossible from within the confines of addiction. Please don't misunderstand - I am not excusing his behavior or suggesting that you should reconsider. I was the ABF in a 15 year relationship, and quit 3 years after we went our separate ways. I chose alcohol when she said we needed counseling or to split. My ex got married a couple of years after we split, so this is totally theoretical... but I have serious doubts that I could have evolved to the person I am today with the woman I once loved so much. I hadn't done anything blatently bad - but over the course of years I set the conditions of our relationship through my prioritizing drinking over her.

I suspect those years of putting her and us so far down the list of priorities would have poisoned the well of our relationship regardless of the effort we might have made once I became sober. Sad thought, but that's my take. I am currently on my eighth step and I know that the best amends I can make to my ex is to wish her well in her marriage and support her as a friend when we do have contact (she calls a couple times a year still).

Life does get better JRG, but these things take time. Your AH doesn't see things the way you do because he simply can't, but doesn't know that. He only sees the world in the limited way that he is able through his addiction. It's not a conscious attempt to make your life horrible, even though that would be the outcome if he were to get his way.

You weren't born to suffer - give yourself the opportunity to enjoy your time on earth and know that doing so is right, possibly even the most loving thing you could do for him if he chooses to make it that.

Buffalo66

happy birthday!

do something nice for you!

barb dwyer

bleah. I'm with purple squirrel.

that's like chocolate syrup on a sardine.

urg. ack.

And then the whole 'give me a kiss' thing.

argk.

LIke the card is 'payment' for HIM to receive
what HE was after from the start.

"Even if I MAKE you kiss me it means everything is okay."

yeek.

SoloMio

I had a similar birthday experience last week, but he also gave me an envelope with a print-out of a contractor's website, with an appointment for him to give us an estimate on a bump-out for our kitchen--something I've talked about for years. (If course, I'm not even living in the house now, but whatever).

BUT a couple of days later, I told him that in order for me to even think about moving back home, in addition to making a commitment to not drinking, he has to start paying his own business debts (which I am currently paying--ONLY because my credit as attached to them and our home is collateral). His response: "But I don't know if I can do that. I don't always have the money."

So, basically, he's telling me that he is willing to be the big shot and buy his wife a huge home improvement (which I know he can't afford), but he's NOT willing to simply man up and pay his own debts. I wanted to say, why didn't you just put a check made out to the bank that's holding your loans into the birthday card instead of this pie-in-the-sky new kitchen??

Isn't it funny how birthdays trigger so much stuff! Well, happy birthday to us all!

Jazzman

Happy birthday!

Linkmeister

They are just that....moments. Strive for that better life because you deserve it.

Happy Birthday, JRGirl! 7

It just dawned on me that over the past year, XABF missed Easter, was drinking on my birthday (June) and this past Christmas. Well, Easter isn't that far away and my birthday is rolling around soon. My mom is coming for an Easter visit (haven't seen her in 1.5 years) and I'll be busy in school for my birthday this year. No worries to get through these moments because I will have people around who love me for me......

GettingBy

Happy birthday JRG!!!

I too have gotten many of those mushy cards from my AH. For me, I believe my AH does love me, the best way he can. Those cards... come from a place in him where love does exist. The problem for me is that its a crumb... he can't sustain it long term.

So the question is, for me, is what he can give me enough? The answer is no. i want more.

Go do something nice for yourself today... enjoy your birthday girl!!!

-Shannon

Tuffgirl

Happy birthday JRG!

My RAH always bought nice gifts - mostly thoughtful. He complained after I left that he had bought nice gifts...as if that was something he did for relationship sustainability. I tried to point out it wasn't the "item" that counted, it was the "thought" behind it. Intentions, ya know?! Still doesn't get it.

But then I read Eddiebuckle's post and I remember...he's an alcoholic...even one in "recovery" (and I must put it into quotes because he is THERE, but is he THERE?!!) and to expect the usual from him so it doesn't surprise me anymore. Because the "usual" means confusion and disillusion. Now I am not surprised anymore when these things happen... it becomes another "huh...?!" moment instead of a WTF! moment.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Thanks everyone! It is weird, but I am having some anxiety (never really get anxiety) and I think it is because now I know he is going to think everything is ok. I will have to once again, let him know we are separated and then he will get pissy again.

Tuffgirl

Keep doing what you are doing for you. I don't know if telling them anything matters... they will think what they want to think about their own reality, regardless of what you say your reality is.

Instead, show him through your actions. When he gets pissy, ignore it and put some distance (and time) between you and him. His pissiness is not your problem.

GettingBy

I agree with Tuffgirl. I've made it clear to my husband that I want a divorce and I intend to follow through. Should he choose to try and woo me... Well, unless I tell him otherwise, that is not going to stop the divorce.

That all begin said, I am conscientious of my actions. What message are they sending? Am I being consistent? I want so badly to hug my husband, and I did earlier this week. But I worry that it might send mixed signals... So I've decided to not do that again. I don't want to give him false hope... Just like I don't want him giving me false hope.

I slipped, and that's okay. I forgive myself and will use that as a learning experience. "slips" bring me anxiety too... I think that's why they say... Slip = serenity losing it's priority!!!

zrx1200R

Happy Birthday! And remember they are crazy!

fourmaggie

I am gonna try this:

fourmaggie

^^^hey, you can treat an old dog NEW TRICKS!!

NYCDoglvr

to me. Whatever you're doing to be able to handle this so well, keep doing. Of course it feels crappy, but you're definitely on the road to recovery.

Babyblue

Happy Birthday!

You always gotta do what is best for you.. don't be hard on yourself whatever you decide.

Oh and your post is timely. My birthday is next friday. I am already telling myself that the RA"BF" won't remember. So why set myself up for disappointment? Hard not to though.

More of a painful reminder of what is lacking and why I need to keep my distance from him.

And thanks for the reminder zrx that they are crazy!