Do drinkers all over do this or just mine?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 23
Do drinkers all over do this or just mine?
I found alot more messages he (the hubby) sent to women while drunk. these are not "flirty" this time, but just blatently sexual. however they are to..a happily married friend of ours, his cousin's newly ex-gf, a very snobby girl who picked on him in hs, an extremely akward girl that everyone makes fun of(mean but true), his sisters bff...it SEEMS like he's purposefully humiliating himself. like another form of cutting, which he does, only emotional injury. I've never seen or heard of anything exactly like this before so i was jw if anyone else has..?? his parents are talking to him in the morning...he's really embarrassing his family and they want him to starting getting help sooner than next week...we'll see.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Why does he do that? He is an addict
Do all A's do that? Maybe, maybe not
Will finding answers to his addictive behaviors help me? No
I couldnt make sense of my A's behavior. It wasn't rational/sane/healthy or acceptable.
It was like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh bread........
unproductive
Trying to make sense of the insanity of someone else's addiction made me as crazy as the addict. I had to detach, detach, detach.
What steps are you taking to help yourself today?
Do all A's do that? Maybe, maybe not
Will finding answers to his addictive behaviors help me? No
I couldnt make sense of my A's behavior. It wasn't rational/sane/healthy or acceptable.
It was like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh bread........
unproductive
Trying to make sense of the insanity of someone else's addiction made me as crazy as the addict. I had to detach, detach, detach.
What steps are you taking to help yourself today?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Before there was 'texting' and it was just a landline and then early cell phones it was called DRUNK DIALING and yes A's are notorious for doing that, also drunk emailing, to anyone and every one and most times making an azz of themselves.
Why? Who knows, but it does happen a lot.
You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out an A. Better to just 'work' on you and decide what you want to do for you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Why? Who knows, but it does happen a lot.
You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out an A. Better to just 'work' on you and decide what you want to do for you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Oh my Oh my...yes I did this. When I was drinking I thought I was the funniest, sexiest, most intelligent, most charming woman on the planet. I thought EVERYONE wanted to hear from me. I was SO inappropriate with so many people. Alcoholism is terrible. It ruins relationships. Once the alcoholic realizes there is a problem and gets help; it is usually to late to repair the reputation and relationships. There is help and another way of life. i pray he finds it.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi Confused - Welcome to SR.
I was reading your other thread, too. I have some experience dealing with mental health issues because both of my children are/have been affected.
You said your husband has an appt with a psychologist but, honestly, he needs the help of a psychiatrist, preferably one who specializes in addiction as well. It sounds as though he needs a complete psychiatric work-up and evaluation. For my daughter it required a 30-day hospital stay and now "intensive outpatient" (3-4 hrs/week) therapy.
It's good that you have the psychologist appointment, but I'm just suggesting that you save that money and go to a psychiatrist instead.
He can get better, but it will take time.
I hear your desperation about wanting him to HELP you, but I'm afraid that instead you may need to focus on what you can do to protect you, your kids and your finances in light of his unpredictable behavior.
I'm very sorry you are going through this.
I was reading your other thread, too. I have some experience dealing with mental health issues because both of my children are/have been affected.
You said your husband has an appt with a psychologist but, honestly, he needs the help of a psychiatrist, preferably one who specializes in addiction as well. It sounds as though he needs a complete psychiatric work-up and evaluation. For my daughter it required a 30-day hospital stay and now "intensive outpatient" (3-4 hrs/week) therapy.
It's good that you have the psychologist appointment, but I'm just suggesting that you save that money and go to a psychiatrist instead.
He can get better, but it will take time.
I hear your desperation about wanting him to HELP you, but I'm afraid that instead you may need to focus on what you can do to protect you, your kids and your finances in light of his unpredictable behavior.
I'm very sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
you are not alone. The first time this happened, it really hurt me. He had been drinking, I was trying to ignore it, and he came down and picked a fight with me. Later he kept begging me to come to bed with him, and when I wouldn't he went upstairs.
It was picture texting. It was a girl I knew from high school (We are almost 40 so this is rediculous in itself). The texts started out sexual, she asked about me, he told her that we split up, and then she sent a picture of her pierced privates, he sent a picture of his, propped up on a busch light can on the desk in our office.
He didn't delete the texts, he knows that I look. He said he just did it because he was mad at me and felt like I was rejecting him. His insecurity.
It has happened twice since, once with the same girl and once with an ex of his. I also see that the only time he looks at porn is when drinking.
It was picture texting. It was a girl I knew from high school (We are almost 40 so this is rediculous in itself). The texts started out sexual, she asked about me, he told her that we split up, and then she sent a picture of her pierced privates, he sent a picture of his, propped up on a busch light can on the desk in our office.
He didn't delete the texts, he knows that I look. He said he just did it because he was mad at me and felt like I was rejecting him. His insecurity.
It has happened twice since, once with the same girl and once with an ex of his. I also see that the only time he looks at porn is when drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by tjp613 
You said your husband has an appt with a psychologist but, honestly, he needs the help of a psychiatrist, preferably one who specializes in addiction as well. It sounds as though he needs a complete psychiatric work-up and evaluation. For my daughter it required a 30-day hospital stay and now "intensive outpatient" (3-4 hrs/week) therapy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I was always very trusting of my husband. He got "flirty" but never inappropriate. As his disease progressed and his self esteem, guilt, took over he started having a relationship with someone else and he was very open about it to me. He could talk to her when I was not available...translated-I was not giving him and his same old stories and his "you don't know how tortuous my life is" attitude my undivided attention.
I know my husband has always looked at porn but it never bothered me. The only thing that did concern me was the kind of porn he looked at. All the women were less than model material. His new friend? She may be 18 years younger but she is definitely not attractive by any standards-I know this sounds incredibly petty of me. But I think it reflects his low self esteem and how he thinks he is not "good enough" for me.(he did admit at counseling once that he feels he married up and could never live up to my standards)
They do the things they do for a variety of reasons.
-their inhibitions are low.
-their egos are shattered.
-they need to prove they still "got it"
-they need to lash out at those they think have done them wrong
-they think they are entitled
-they need to play the game of how far can I go without getting caught or thrown out.
-they need to punish themselves.
There are many reasons and many forms of inappropriate behaviors-
we will never fully understand how their minds works or don't work. I know it is almost human nature to want to understand -especially a loved one who we think we know but it is our need to understand that can cause us the greatest heart ache.
All we can understand is ourselves.
That's where we need to keep the focus.
I know my husband has always looked at porn but it never bothered me. The only thing that did concern me was the kind of porn he looked at. All the women were less than model material. His new friend? She may be 18 years younger but she is definitely not attractive by any standards-I know this sounds incredibly petty of me. But I think it reflects his low self esteem and how he thinks he is not "good enough" for me.(he did admit at counseling once that he feels he married up and could never live up to my standards)
They do the things they do for a variety of reasons.
-their inhibitions are low.
-their egos are shattered.
-they need to prove they still "got it"
-they need to lash out at those they think have done them wrong
-they think they are entitled
-they need to play the game of how far can I go without getting caught or thrown out.
-they need to punish themselves.
There are many reasons and many forms of inappropriate behaviors-
we will never fully understand how their minds works or don't work. I know it is almost human nature to want to understand -especially a loved one who we think we know but it is our need to understand that can cause us the greatest heart ache.
All we can understand is ourselves.
That's where we need to keep the focus.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please also be aware that any Psych Dr worth their salt will usually insist on the client being free from alcohol and/or drugs at least 6 months as alcoholism can and does mimic other mental illnesses.
They are much more aware of this these days than when I got sober, and thus I did not see a Psych Dr until 9 years of sobriety when I truly believed I was going totally insane. The first thing I did was find one that literally was a specialist in addiction and had worked with and was working with recovering A's.
The first thing she did was put me in a regular hospital for a complete physical to see if I was chemically imbalanced and to see what else might be going on physically.
I was eventually diagnosed as Bi Polar and then was, as stated above in very intense one on one work with her 2 to 4 hours a day for months. That was 1990 and even back then it took almost 5 years before we/she found the correct medication and dosage for me. I have been in great shape in being able to deal with my Bi polar now for years. Bear in mind though that since then there are many more medications available and it is still a 'trial and error' kind of treatment, as one that works great on one person may not work at all on another.
My Psych could never really say which came first my Alcoholism or my Bi Polar but strongly suspected that I was Bi Polar first and 'self medicated' for years to function and thus slipped into alcoholism, as the propensity for it was already in my gene history.
You'll know if you/he has found one if one of their first questions is about if he is still drinking and/or how long he has been clean.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
They are much more aware of this these days than when I got sober, and thus I did not see a Psych Dr until 9 years of sobriety when I truly believed I was going totally insane. The first thing I did was find one that literally was a specialist in addiction and had worked with and was working with recovering A's.
The first thing she did was put me in a regular hospital for a complete physical to see if I was chemically imbalanced and to see what else might be going on physically.
I was eventually diagnosed as Bi Polar and then was, as stated above in very intense one on one work with her 2 to 4 hours a day for months. That was 1990 and even back then it took almost 5 years before we/she found the correct medication and dosage for me. I have been in great shape in being able to deal with my Bi polar now for years. Bear in mind though that since then there are many more medications available and it is still a 'trial and error' kind of treatment, as one that works great on one person may not work at all on another.
My Psych could never really say which came first my Alcoholism or my Bi Polar but strongly suspected that I was Bi Polar first and 'self medicated' for years to function and thus slipped into alcoholism, as the propensity for it was already in my gene history.
You'll know if you/he has found one if one of their first questions is about if he is still drinking and/or how long he has been clean.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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