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being_conscience_of_my_improvement

Old 03-31-2011, 06:27 AM
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being_conscience_of_my_improvement

I don’t know about you, but getting and staying sober has taken a lot of work and it’s been difficult, awkward, and downright painful at times.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m getting stronger in my sobriety and making leaps in regards to my personal development (and life is sooo much better and different than it was), but I relied heavily on alcohol and drugs for a long time and it’s been quite an adjustment to live without them.

I’m hard on myself and often times, too hard.

Praying and meditating is a big part of my recovery program and I read something this morning that really made sense.

When climbing a steep hill, people are often more conscious of the weakness of their stumbling feet than of the view, the grandeur, or even of the upward progress.

It’s important to see myself for who I’m becoming, for the progress I’m making, and the pure beauty in the work I’m doing.

Maybe this is true with you too?

Kjell~
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Old 03-31-2011, 06:55 AM
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I think this is one of the unexpected benefits of working with others for me - it's easy to see when my life is improving because that's measurable, at least to the scale in my head, but to see legitimate personal progress requires getting out of my own head for a more objective perspective.

Great post Kjell
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Old 03-31-2011, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
It’s important to see myself for who I’m becoming, for the progress I’m making, and the pure beauty in the work I’m doing.
Thank you for posting this Kjell. I'm having a very hard time being proud of myself for being sober because I'm so wrapped up in the guilt of being a drunk. I am going to post this all over the house.
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:13 AM
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Thank you, Kjell. Profound words. The positives and promises should be a greater focus in recovery than dwelling in the past, but the paradigm shift of sobriety does make that difficult.

I just made an appt for Tues a.m. to meet with my good friend and former business partner to catch up. He shared with me that Tues is his 9th yr anniversary sober. God is putting the right people in our lives at times we need them most. Peace.
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:38 AM
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Kjell my friend, sometimes I get so caught up in things that I forget exactly where I am in my recovery. Case in point: my fiancee and I had an argument the other day about some things that she feels I should be taking care of. In the middle of the argument I kind of stopped and said, "You know what, sweetie? I will work on those things, but let's take a look at where we're at now compared to a year ago."

A year ago I was a worthless drunk. I lied, cheated, stole, was irresponsible, didn't care about anyone but myself, couldn't pay my bills but had enough money for booze...I'm sure you're familiar with the list.

But now I'm giving my fiancee over twice as much for bills as I used to every month, my other bills actually get paid on time without me worrying about where the $ will come from, the house is clean and not littered with empty bottles of booze, I can be counted on to do something when I say I will do it, I actually show up to family functions (and not wasted, nonetheless)...I'm sure you're familiar with this list as well.

So basically, I said yeah, there's things that I will continue to work on. But if you look at the progress that I've made since this time last year, it's like I'm a different person. I haven't accomplished everything I need to, but I have accomplished more than anyone could've dreamed just 1 short year ago.

I think it was helpful for us to sit down and take stock of exactly how much better our lives are than they were last March. Being conscious of where I am in my recovery helps us to appreciate how far I've come, and it also helps to rein in some of the expectations my fiancee has, some of which may be unreasonable at this stage of my recovery.

Thanks for your message this morning, good sir. Gave me something to think about, and something to be thankful for.
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Snarf View Post
Being conscious of where I am in my recovery helps us to appreciate how far I've come, and it also helps to rein in some of the expectations my fiancee has, some of which may be unreasonable at this stage of my recovery.

.
Good points Snarf! I also want to add that I, myself, have too many unrealistic expecations of myself and where I think I should be at this stage in my recovery.

Sometimes, after much pain, I can only laugh at myself and my expectations. When I think about, like you say, what life was like just a year ago, my progress is nothing short of amazing and I need to be grateful for that.

Kjell~
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Old 03-31-2011, 08:49 AM
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Hey man. Thanks for the post. Yeah, I relate to that post man. I have a tendency to be far too hard on myself too in many ways about certain things.

I saw first hand last week how much I've achieved in my recovery. It becomes easy to say "prison, institution, death" and become almost immune to the stark reality of what that actually means and the horrific feelings that go with that reality. Man, I hadn't felt shame, embarrasment, dissapointment, paranoia and all the other negative emotions/feelings for the whole time in my recovery, which says a lot. Needless to say I don't want to be feeling them again.

I am so grateful that nothing absolutely terrible happened ie- losing my driving license again, as I'm pretty sure that would have been the end of me on this planet.

I realise how much I achieved in my recovery and how precious those things are to me. I realise how much I love being in employment and being respected by everybody there, achieving top grades at University, having my car, having happy non-shady relationships with people and generally being able to walk with my head held up high and be proud and not ashamed. I realised how once you experience true happiness in recovery then that's the only way to live.

I saw how well I did to get myself out of that dark, depressing hole and that drink and drugs are just a ticket to lose everything. I already knew that and was under no illusoons whatsoever but I had to go back out to get myself to ask for help again, that's what it took for me I guess and I'm grateful that my life is still exactly how it was in regards to what I built up in my recovery. I accept my journey and I think certain things that happened last week were placed in my way for a reason. I certainly have total and utter clarity about the reality of things again and how your life could be over within a few hours if things worked out differently, and crucially what that actually means too. It becomes easy to say and lose the reality of what that actually means and how that actually feels - back down the job centre unemployed, court dates, police, totally hopeless again etcetcetc.

All the best mate, Peace.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:03 AM
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Oh! Kjell!,

Your post brought up many feelings, mostly centered about expectations.

Yes, we can be harder on ourselves than anybody. Maybe because people other than ourselves, don't know our potential, yet we know we have not lived up to our potential, and are not living up to it.

Sometimes people use their potential to climb the wrong ladder (drink the most, be the funniest, or even progress in the wrong career). Most of us are not Saints. We can be worried about all of our mistakes, and our direction, or which ladder we are on.

The ladder to sobriety is a must, to give ourselves enough credit to even think we know the proper direction to place our efforts, and focus our lives. Let's all be proud of ourselves, and our tired, stumbling feet. We will get there.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:15 AM
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Yep, I took away the liquid coping strategy for all of life's difficulty and had to face life as it is. Even tho growth can be painful at times, it is also very rewarding. As long as I'm moving forward, all that stumbling gives me plenty of practice on catching my balance.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:06 AM
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I've been caught up in living life in my newfound sobriety. Trying to learn and understand life without...besides life without booze...a life without denial, guilt, suppressing feelings, not 'rocking the boat', not having that panic feeling when I know I'm low on poison. I am enjoying the sense of freedom I feel. The sense of relief...not having to 'hide' anything anymore.
This morning I had a sobering experience. Because of my separation my husband had to subtract house dogs that we have had for over 8 years. They are 11 and 9. They are in a specific breed rescue, living with 'their kind' and getting along great. I had an email from the lady this morning...but it hit me. I sobbed for the first time with a real sadness of grief. If I was drinking I would have shrugged it off and thought "Oh, they're better off anyway!"
Everyday is a new learning experience. Awesome thoughts, Kjell.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by ste View Post
Let's all be proud of ourselves, and our tired, stumbling feet.
Well said. Heck yeah!
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
I don’t know about you, but getting and staying sober has taken a lot of work and it’s been difficult, awkward, and downright painful at times.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m getting stronger in my sobriety and making leaps in regards to my personal development (and life is sooo much better and different than it was), but I relied heavily on alcohol and drugs for a long time and it’s been quite an adjustment to live without them.

I’m hard on myself and often times, too hard.

Praying and meditating is a big part of my recovery program and I read something this morning that really made sense.

When climbing a steep hill, people are often more conscious of the weakness of their stumbling feet than of the view, the grandeur, or even of the upward progress.

It’s important to see myself for who I’m becoming, for the progress I’m making, and the pure beauty in the work I’m doing.

Maybe this is true with you too?

Kjell~
too hard on myself? check.. not always stopping for a moment to enjoy the view? check.. good stuff kjell.. thanks for the reminder!
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