first post. advice/support please?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 23
first post. advice/support please?
I've found out recently that for the past 6 months my husband has been drinking. he works out of state and i can't be sure exactly how much he drinks but i've been told by a friend that its pretty regular....he get off the phone w/ me at night and goes to the bar, won't answer his phone all night. i know when he does drink he gets completely trashed and can't remember conversations etc. while he is drunk he calls and texts other girls (flirty)...he also got drunk set up a coffee date w/ an ex...sobered up and still went on the date(theres been other issues like this but he's never "officially" cheated i.e. no physical/sexual anything.). he's extremely depressed...he feels horrible about the drinking and the talking to girls. when i confront him he starts crying and promising to change...he says he feels he can't control it. hes a cutter and has been since HS..smokes two packs a day and is addicted to pornagraphy..all of this he hides and is extremely ashamed of. i feel he is doing this to self-injure. I told him 2 days ago...after a night he turned his phone off and went to the bar...that we need to put our relationship on hold..for now i want us to focus on getting him help and THEN we can start living together again and work on our relationship. he has an appt. w/ a psychologist in a week. i told him i will do anything i can to help him....i'm going to be his best friend instead of his wife and try to keep my emotions and reactions at a minimum. is what i'm doing the right thing? are these signs of alcoholism or just mental illness? what other treatment steps should we look into? he claims to be committed to change. I'd just like some advice.. (ps- we are 23 and 22, i'm a christian his beliefs lean towards judaism more than anything, been together 5 years, and have two children, he comes home on weekends only, we have no other roomates etc.)
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
welcome to SRYou'll find alot of strength and support here, glad you found us. The first thing I did when I got here was read the "stickies" at the top of the forum page, permanent posts to answer alot of questions that I had being new to the site, and new to the disease. Also, I highly recommend al anon. The only requirement is that you have a problem with someone else's drinking, and it sounds like you do.
Other than that, only you can decided what is best for you. I am living proof that some of us have to go through some pretty crappy things to get to where we need to be, and no one on here is going to tell you what to do. For a long time I read and read, and convinced myself that my situation was different.
This April makes a year and 4 months that I gave to my now ex ABF that I'll never get back, but at the same time I learned so much that I wouldn't trade it. Welcome, and keep coming back!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
It's good he is going to seek professional help. With several addictions, they probably have to be addressed separately, although the compulsive nature of each is similar to the others and addressing compulsiveness as a behavioral disorder is also a good approach, although I'm an amateur shrink at best.
I understand your viewing the relationship as "friends" as this point, but is it really possible? Perhaps I'm splitting hairs and what you are really saying is that you are going to practice detachment and not take any of it personally.
I have been there with exah with the alcohol coupled with a pornography addiction, and I think they fuel each other, and the guilt from either can lead to them wanting to do the other. Likewise, alcohol is an uninhibitor, so to speak, and surely opens the door to the obsession with inappropriate conduct with other women or pornography use.
No doubt looking at the world from a sober pov, it will be easier to address other compulsions/addictions.
But...my question to you is: are you taking care of your needs? Including all your emotional needs?
He has never officially "cheated"...or never been caught? Drinkers are not usually the most honest of people. I hope he has drawn a line there. If he works hard on himself, you will hear any confessions that he needs to make, hopefully. I don't mean to make you paranoid about that, but a drunk businessman away for days that likes to chase women when intoxicated doesn't sound good.
I would ask, for my needs, in your situation, that he stop turning off his phone and answer my calls whenever I called. You can try to detach emotionally so as to not add to the mix, but a husband answers phone calls, period, in my book. I too have boundaries and needs, and answering phone calls fits into this category. Are you ignoring a need of your own to know where he is at and what he is doing?
It's alcoholism and mental illness...afterall, alcoholism is a mental illness, or a symptom of one, take your pick, end conclusion is the same.
I understand your viewing the relationship as "friends" as this point, but is it really possible? Perhaps I'm splitting hairs and what you are really saying is that you are going to practice detachment and not take any of it personally.
I have been there with exah with the alcohol coupled with a pornography addiction, and I think they fuel each other, and the guilt from either can lead to them wanting to do the other. Likewise, alcohol is an uninhibitor, so to speak, and surely opens the door to the obsession with inappropriate conduct with other women or pornography use.
No doubt looking at the world from a sober pov, it will be easier to address other compulsions/addictions.
But...my question to you is: are you taking care of your needs? Including all your emotional needs?
He has never officially "cheated"...or never been caught? Drinkers are not usually the most honest of people. I hope he has drawn a line there. If he works hard on himself, you will hear any confessions that he needs to make, hopefully. I don't mean to make you paranoid about that, but a drunk businessman away for days that likes to chase women when intoxicated doesn't sound good.
I would ask, for my needs, in your situation, that he stop turning off his phone and answer my calls whenever I called. You can try to detach emotionally so as to not add to the mix, but a husband answers phone calls, period, in my book. I too have boundaries and needs, and answering phone calls fits into this category. Are you ignoring a need of your own to know where he is at and what he is doing?
It's alcoholism and mental illness...afterall, alcoholism is a mental illness, or a symptom of one, take your pick, end conclusion is the same.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like he's got a lot going on, but the substance(s) gotta go before he can make any progress on anything else.
There are some good dual-diagnosis (alcoholism/addiction and mental illness) programs, and he would probably benefit from one of those.
YOU would probably benefit from Al-Anon.
I think taking a break from the relationship for a bit is probably a good idea for you both. I don't know how "friendly" you can be during that time--he probably needs to focus on his recovery, and you probably need to focus on yours.
People do recover. But it has to be something they really want with all their hearts.
Glad you're here, stick around.
There are some good dual-diagnosis (alcoholism/addiction and mental illness) programs, and he would probably benefit from one of those.
YOU would probably benefit from Al-Anon.
I think taking a break from the relationship for a bit is probably a good idea for you both. I don't know how "friendly" you can be during that time--he probably needs to focus on his recovery, and you probably need to focus on yours.
People do recover. But it has to be something they really want with all their hearts.
Glad you're here, stick around.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 23
I guess what i mean about "being friends" is that i'm going to try to keep my emotions in check on not take all that he's doing personally...like i would as a wife (cause as a wife i'm totally getting screwed). the constant arguments we have about how this is hurting ME don't seem to be helping anything.
Also, i can't explain my reasons very well to people that don't know him or the entire situation....but i really truelly believe he has not slept w/ anyone etc. HOWEVER, i'm very afraid it may happen in the future if he doesn't start getting help now..
also what kind of AA group should i look for? i thought that was just for people who wanted to quit drinking?
thanks for the replys i'll def keep coming to this site!
Also, i can't explain my reasons very well to people that don't know him or the entire situation....but i really truelly believe he has not slept w/ anyone etc. HOWEVER, i'm very afraid it may happen in the future if he doesn't start getting help now..
also what kind of AA group should i look for? i thought that was just for people who wanted to quit drinking?
thanks for the replys i'll def keep coming to this site!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
This link will help you locate Al-Anon meetings close to you. Any meeting will work, but each have different "flavors" as they are just made up of people, and groups of people differ in chemistry. It's suggested you try at least six different ones to find a good "fit" so you will feel comfortable.
Don't underestimate the enormity of this condition. He is showing evidence of poly-addictions and this is a tough monster.
Welcome to SR!
CLMI
Don't underestimate the enormity of this condition. He is showing evidence of poly-addictions and this is a tough monster.
Welcome to SR!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Wow.
I think your idea is right on the money. Being a friend and detaching while/until he gets it together...
But, easier said than done. Thats a lot more work than you may think it is....
AlANon can help you do that, definitely the best choice.
I think your idea is right on the money. Being a friend and detaching while/until he gets it together...
But, easier said than done. Thats a lot more work than you may think it is....
AlANon can help you do that, definitely the best choice.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Welcome to SR, Confusedandsad!
It's a really tough and confusing situation you're in. I've been with my AH for 10 yrs, and have done just about all that you can think of (begged, screamed, cried, manipulated, demanded, etc) to get him to see how much his behavior was affecting me. What I've learned through Al-anon is that he's just being who he is and I can't control him or cure him. I have learned not to accept behaviors and actions that are unacceptable.
It's a really tough and confusing situation you're in. I've been with my AH for 10 yrs, and have done just about all that you can think of (begged, screamed, cried, manipulated, demanded, etc) to get him to see how much his behavior was affecting me. What I've learned through Al-anon is that he's just being who he is and I can't control him or cure him. I have learned not to accept behaviors and actions that are unacceptable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 23
well today everythings apparently different.
ughhh i knew this was going to freakin happen i just didn't want it to.
"you know what...all guys look at porn, 80% drink, i talk to other girls cause you don't pay attention to me and your crazy and you need f-ing help."
this is such crap and i've been talking to him all week about his problems trying to make sure he's really gonna get help....i dunno what to do now..
ughhh i knew this was going to freakin happen i just didn't want it to.
"you know what...all guys look at porn, 80% drink, i talk to other girls cause you don't pay attention to me and your crazy and you need f-ing help."
this is such crap and i've been talking to him all week about his problems trying to make sure he's really gonna get help....i dunno what to do now..
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
At this point, let's be honest: what can you really *do* to make him "see the light"?
Not a thing.
IMO, it's time to step away from the alkie and let him figure it out on his own. If and when he finds recovery, he'll need to do it by himself and for himself. Anything else robs him of that dignity.
Seeing as you're currently not living together, I would suggest a period of no contact between you in order for you to see clearly through the situation.
Not a thing.
IMO, it's time to step away from the alkie and let him figure it out on his own. If and when he finds recovery, he'll need to do it by himself and for himself. Anything else robs him of that dignity.
Seeing as you're currently not living together, I would suggest a period of no contact between you in order for you to see clearly through the situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 23
the problem is that we have two children together (only 3 and 2 years old)...he's spending too much money...i go to school and work....I WANT HIM TO HELP ME. he needs to get his crap together and keep his promises because his behavior and attitude is screwing up my life...i can't replace him..i don't have family that can help me financially or otherwise. so frustrating that i can't DO anything.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Ok, so how do you go about separating your finances so that you don't need to rely on him so much?
Does he do childcare for you? Can you see about swaping childcare with another mama, so it doesn't cost too much?
In what way does his lack of responsibility affect your life? If you want, we can help you brainstorm ways to separate yourself from him as much as possible and only communicate if it pertains to visitation.
I remember what it's like to NEED my partner's help and to find that no matter how much I begged and screamed, he wouldn't ever give it to me. His concern was HIM and HIM ALONE. The children were there to make him feel good about himself, but only when he needed them. Every other time, they got in his way and gave him an excuse to whine (and drink). The way I got out of it was to stop depending on him for things; I put my daughter in full-time childcare because he couldn't be trusted to care for her during the period where I went back to work and he found himself without a job.
Does he do childcare for you? Can you see about swaping childcare with another mama, so it doesn't cost too much?
In what way does his lack of responsibility affect your life? If you want, we can help you brainstorm ways to separate yourself from him as much as possible and only communicate if it pertains to visitation.
I remember what it's like to NEED my partner's help and to find that no matter how much I begged and screamed, he wouldn't ever give it to me. His concern was HIM and HIM ALONE. The children were there to make him feel good about himself, but only when he needed them. Every other time, they got in his way and gave him an excuse to whine (and drink). The way I got out of it was to stop depending on him for things; I put my daughter in full-time childcare because he couldn't be trusted to care for her during the period where I went back to work and he found himself without a job.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by confusedandsad 
he's spending too much money...i go to school and work....I WANT HIM TO HELP ME. he needs to get his crap together and keep his promises because his behavior and attitude is screwing up my life...i can't replace him..i don't have family that can help me financially or otherwise. so frustrating that i can't DO anything.
Suffering (ie, not being able to pay the essentials) b/c of the alcoholics behavior 1) will not make them stop doing what they are doing and 2) will only lead to chaos and problems for YOU.
I know you want him to help. I wanted mine to help too. I wanted him to do alot of things... to be loving, compassionate, helpful and communicate openly. In a healthy relationship those would be reasonable expectations. But in a relationship with an alcoholic, those expectations will only set you up for disappointment.
There is LOTS you CAN do... no situation is hopeless.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by confusedandsad
I've found out recently that for the past 6 months my husband has been drinking. he works out of state and i can't be sure exactly how much he drinks but i've been told by a friend that its pretty regular....he get off the phone w/ me at night and goes to the bar, won't answer his phone all night. i know when he does drink he gets completely trashed and can't remember conversations etc. while he is drunk he calls and texts other girls (flirty)...he also got drunk set up a coffee date w/ an ex...sobered up and still went on the date(theres been other issues like this but he's never "officially" cheated i.e. no physical/sexual anything.). he's extremely depressed...he feels horrible about the drinking and the talking to girls. when i confront him he starts crying and promising to change...he says he feels he can't control it. hes a cutter and has been since HS..smokes two packs a day and is addicted to pornagraphy..all of this he hides and is extremely ashamed of. i feel he is doing this to self-injure. I told him 2 days ago...after a night he turned his phone off and went to the bar...that we need to put our relationship on hold..for now i want us to focus on getting him help and THEN we can start living together again and work on our relationship. he has an appt. w/ a psychologist in a week. i told him i will do anything i can to help him....i'm going to be his best friend instead of his wife and try to keep my emotions and reactions at a minimum. is what i'm doing the right thing? are these signs of alcoholism or just mental illness? what other treatment steps should we look into? he claims to be committed to change. I'd just like some advice.. (ps- we are 23 and 22, i'm a christian his beliefs lean towards judaism more than anything, been together 5 years, and have two children, he comes home on weekends only, we have no other roomates etc.)
Where are all the normal men ? :|
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