supervised or unsupervised access to young children
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Luckily, most states and counties
have family courts that handle exactly that question.
two words - drug test.
*shrug*
I mean, if it's a known documentable history
then any court would see your concerns as valid.
(example, abuse, dui, public drunk, etc)
I see a lot of people who let their concerns go
number one because they really really need a break
and number two
they just get 'cowed' down by the ex.
They'll threaten to stop child support etc.
That's blackmail.
ANd it's ilegal.
But holding the space
while you're exausted from the mommy game 24/7
can be a big commitment.
JMO.
I'd look into the possibility of bringing something like that
especially if it concerns being afraid
he's going to drive after drinking
with the kids in the car
(most commonly the kids become the 'new gf's problem
he just 'gets' the kids to p/o the wife
and then dumps them on the new gf and continues his partying)
Just what I've seen.
have family courts that handle exactly that question.
two words - drug test.
*shrug*
I mean, if it's a known documentable history
then any court would see your concerns as valid.
(example, abuse, dui, public drunk, etc)
I see a lot of people who let their concerns go
number one because they really really need a break
and number two
they just get 'cowed' down by the ex.
They'll threaten to stop child support etc.
That's blackmail.
ANd it's ilegal.
But holding the space
while you're exausted from the mommy game 24/7
can be a big commitment.
JMO.
I'd look into the possibility of bringing something like that
especially if it concerns being afraid
he's going to drive after drinking
with the kids in the car
(most commonly the kids become the 'new gf's problem
he just 'gets' the kids to p/o the wife
and then dumps them on the new gf and continues his partying)
Just what I've seen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: england UK
Posts: 34
He is drinking at times heavily, whether he would in the presence of our children i dont know but i do know alcohol is his priority in life, especially during his more lucrative times where he can afford large quantities of the stuff. So if he decides to forget the children in time, will they hate me when they grow up, feelling i didnt make it pleasant enough for ex to have a relationship with them. Thankyou!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by oln 
So if he decides to forget the children in time, will they hate me when they grow up, feelling i didnt make it pleasant enough for ex to have a relationship with them. Thankyou!
I say stop worrying about what might happen ten or fifteen years from now and focus on what is happening NOW. Your job, as the sober parent, is to protect them. If that means protecting them from their father, then that's what it means.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
I'm going to put on my professional hat here:
Do not leave your kids with someone who is drinking. Protect them. That's your job. I would do whatever I could to prevent unsupervised visitation with an active alcoholic. The supervisor doesn't have to be you. A grandmother maybe?
Early Childhood Education Specialist, Retired.
Do not leave your kids with someone who is drinking. Protect them. That's your job. I would do whatever I could to prevent unsupervised visitation with an active alcoholic. The supervisor doesn't have to be you. A grandmother maybe?
Early Childhood Education Specialist, Retired.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
I brought up something along these lines in counseling with AH. My AH sneaks so it is not like I always know if he has been drinking or not. I questioned if he should ever be allowed to drive our kids anywhere. He was shocked that it is even a question in my head. ( our counselor helped to explain why this would be questionable since he sneaks and lies). When trust is gone, it is gone. Protecting your kids is priority one. Like others have said I would do whatever it takes to make sure they are safe.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
This thread hits home with me right now...a discussion I JUST HAD with my stbxah who picked up the kids after drinking last week (the first time I've had him pick them up in a year). This leaves HUGE doubts in my mind about his ability to watch/care for them/be responsible without another person around!! Now, I am doubting how my divorce decree papers should read about visitation because I have been told that whatever is in the initial decree is hard to change.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
I went through this issue recently. My XAH and I separated a year ago, and in the parenting section of the marital settlement agreement, we share legal custody (the "making decisions about education, religion, etc" type), I have primary physical custody and have them with me 80% of the time, he has then 20% of the time, based on his work schedule. So that's what's in the MSA. What is currently happening in reality is that I have them 100% of the time and he only sees them when with another trusted adult like his parents or sister. This started about three months ago when our son came home with physical marks resulting from something done in anger and me witnessing emotionally abusive words being said to our daughter. I later found out the extent to which he is now drinking and have serious doubts that he was always sober when with the kids (also in the MSA, he cannot drink while with them or in the hours prior to picking them up.)
It was a hard decision, not the least of which is because like someone mentioned above... it's just plain exhausting taking care of two young kids (5 and 2) by myself while working full time and maintaining a house. I didn't want to give up that 1 or 2 days a week when I could sleep all night without changing wet sheets or dealing with nightmares or trying to come up with reasonably healthy meals every night after work or never getting any time to myself to just relax, exercise, and take care of myself. But I have to put their (the kids) needs first. I also accepted help from everyone who has ever offered to babysit or help me with yard work or anything.
I also make it as easy as possible for their father to spend time with them under the guidelines that there is another adult there. This was a tough one because I get resentful (how come I have to do all the work of taking care of them while he gets to just see them during fun times and have HELP doing it!) But again, it's in THEIR best interest to spend time with their father in a safe and sober way. If that means a few hours on a weekend morning with his parents, then that's what it'll be. And maybe I can slip in a nap for myself while they are there!
The sad thing for us, though, is that in those three months, he's only seen the kids twice :-( That makes the kids sad and leaves me to try to explain to them what is happening in a way that they can understand and hopefully not blame themselves.
It was a hard decision, not the least of which is because like someone mentioned above... it's just plain exhausting taking care of two young kids (5 and 2) by myself while working full time and maintaining a house. I didn't want to give up that 1 or 2 days a week when I could sleep all night without changing wet sheets or dealing with nightmares or trying to come up with reasonably healthy meals every night after work or never getting any time to myself to just relax, exercise, and take care of myself. But I have to put their (the kids) needs first. I also accepted help from everyone who has ever offered to babysit or help me with yard work or anything.
I also make it as easy as possible for their father to spend time with them under the guidelines that there is another adult there. This was a tough one because I get resentful (how come I have to do all the work of taking care of them while he gets to just see them during fun times and have HELP doing it!) But again, it's in THEIR best interest to spend time with their father in a safe and sober way. If that means a few hours on a weekend morning with his parents, then that's what it'll be. And maybe I can slip in a nap for myself while they are there!
The sad thing for us, though, is that in those three months, he's only seen the kids twice :-( That makes the kids sad and leaves me to try to explain to them what is happening in a way that they can understand and hopefully not blame themselves.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
I had to have my ex supervised for a number of years, mostly by me (it was a complicated situation). He wasn't an A, but had other problems which might have endangered our child.
It caused me years of trouble, and there were times when I felt I was being the "bad" guy and my son might hate me for it. 18 years later I'm finally getting credit from him for having done the right thing.
As others have said, you have to do what is right for the kids, even if you don't get credit from them or AH. It is hard to remember that you need to be strong when it isn't 100% certain that they'd come to harm. But your job is too look out for them.
Good luck, and keep posting.
It caused me years of trouble, and there were times when I felt I was being the "bad" guy and my son might hate me for it. 18 years later I'm finally getting credit from him for having done the right thing.
As others have said, you have to do what is right for the kids, even if you don't get credit from them or AH. It is hard to remember that you need to be strong when it isn't 100% certain that they'd come to harm. But your job is too look out for them.
Good luck, and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
protect the kids, now. When they are adults they can sort out why their dad wasnt around.
My 6 year old s so mad at me right now because I threw his daddy out, but he was a mental mess, unsafe, his priorities are all messed up.
(AND HE IS ^6 MONTHS SOBER!!!)
Truth is, when RAH was drinking he knew himself he wasnt fit, so he didnt push. He couldnt be awakened if in an emergency. He would pass out, have the door wide open to steps when son was a toddler... But, he knew he was unfit for more than a sober afternoon.
No sleepovers!!! NONE!
I wont do a sleepover even now, w him sober, because he has not been there for parenting for 6 years.
He has to earn that. He needs to get help.
DOnt worry about the kids' being mad. They will get it when they are more grown. You DONT WANT THEM to understand it all now!! They are just so little!
Protect them. He is still an active drunk.
My 6 year old s so mad at me right now because I threw his daddy out, but he was a mental mess, unsafe, his priorities are all messed up.
(AND HE IS ^6 MONTHS SOBER!!!)
Truth is, when RAH was drinking he knew himself he wasnt fit, so he didnt push. He couldnt be awakened if in an emergency. He would pass out, have the door wide open to steps when son was a toddler... But, he knew he was unfit for more than a sober afternoon.
No sleepovers!!! NONE!
I wont do a sleepover even now, w him sober, because he has not been there for parenting for 6 years.
He has to earn that. He needs to get help.
DOnt worry about the kids' being mad. They will get it when they are more grown. You DONT WANT THEM to understand it all now!! They are just so little!
Protect them. He is still an active drunk.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
If there is any doubt in your mind about whether or not he is drinking while with the children, then I wouldn't allow unsupervised visitation to take place. Supervise the visitation yourself if possible, or have a trusted family member of yours or of his supervise. If by law, you are "forced" to provide unsupervised visitation, I would do everything possible (document document document) to gather evidence that he is not fit to care for children during visitation time, and try to have the custody order modified.
Your kids may get mad or resentful in the present, but they have no clear understanding that their safety is at stake with an intoxicated caregiver. Just because he's their sperm donor doesn't make him more capable of caring for them when he's wasted.
Your kids may get mad or resentful in the present, but they have no clear understanding that their safety is at stake with an intoxicated caregiver. Just because he's their sperm donor doesn't make him more capable of caring for them when he's wasted.
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