brittany09

I have a huge problem. My fiance and I have been dating since June 2010, not very long really. I became pregnant by him in July about a month after we started dating and found out in august. About the same time he lost his job for failing a drug test for marijuana. At the beginning of September I caught him shooting up pills in the bathroom. He has a bad history with pills. He was an addict injecting oxycotin and roxycodon for about 3 years. He went to rehab and got out a month before we started dating. I've known him for years and he really had changed in rehab but after being home and around his old friends he went back to old habits. Me being the big hearted person I am actually believed that was the only time he had done it since he got back but then I started snooping and finding thongs and noticing changes in him and before long on the day we had our first baby sonogram he came to me and said he had been doing it for about 2 months and wanted help. I was devestated but I still stayed with him and he started going to the methadone clinic. I really began noticing changes in him and he was doing alot better and also got hired back at a job welding. For the next few months everything was going great. In december a few weeks before christmas he started acting odd and sleeping all the time and just falling asleep even while standing up. At the first of the year in jan 2011 he admitted to me one day that he had taken a xannax the other day and I know mixing xannax with methadone is extremely dangerous and can make your heart stop. A few days later on january 5th he was on the way to work and had a horrible wreck and ran off the road and hit a tree. He broke alot of bones and was in icu for 3 weeks and finally woke up and had a minor brain injury. He went to a brain injury therapy hospital for the month of february and for the month of march he is back to his old self and in a transition center to get ready to come home. He can come home on weekends and this past weekend he hung out with some friends and the next morning I found some stuff and his mom and I caught him in the bathroom shooting up. Our baby is due April 18th so pretty much any day now. I gave him my ring back and left that day. I am still in contact with him but im really confused. I think the best thing for me and the baby is to leave because that is no environment for an adult much less a baby. It is very difficult to tell him that I am done though. I do love him and especially with the situation he is in now with the wreck and therapy it makes it so so hard. He comes home in 2 weeks but Im afraid something bad will happen if I leave him right now and the baby can come any day now and I am just so worried about everything. I could really use some support and advice.

suki44883

Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here. So sorry you are going through all this, especially while pregnant. Do you have any family where you can stay for a while? You are right that it is no environment in which to bring a baby. At this point, your concern should be for your child. Your BF is an adult and can make his own decisions. Your baby needs you to be rational and sensible.

brittany09

Thank you! And yes I am staying with my parents right now. They are being very supportive about everything and helping me out since I'm on maternity leave from work.

Chino

Something bad could happen to any/all of you if you stick around, too, since it already has. Do you see that being with you bad things happened anyway? Do you see that he relapsed while being in transitional care, as well. People and places don't matter if he's not committed to recovery.

You and your baby are your #1 priority now. That baby needs your protection and love because it's 100% dependent on you. Unlike your BF, it cannot and will not be able to do for itself.

suki44883

Good deal!! Okay, so, you just concentrate on what you've got going on so far as the pending arrival of your beautiful little baby. You can't help your BF and he's going to do whatever he's going to do, whether you are there or not, as history has proven.

jen13

I have been asking myself the same question for days now. My situation is a bit different then yours but they all start the same. I have a son who is almost 8 and my husband OD on pills last week. I have been dealing with his addiction for almost 5 years now. I can tell you that all you will do by staying is stress yourself out. You are getting ready to be handed the most beautiful gift in the world, you need to be focused on yourself and your child. It sounds like you have a great support system with your parents which will be needed. No one can make a decision for you, at the end of the day it is yours to make. I say think long and hard about what YOUR goals are in life, how YOU want YOUR life to be and what you want the future to hold for your child. The answer to your decision will lie within your answers.

MsPINKAcres

HI Brittany!

Welcome to our SR family!

CONGRATULATIONS on the baby!! what a wonderful gift! I'm sure you are very excited for the new arrival of your precious little one!

You sure do have a lot on your shoulders right now - seems to me the best thing to do would be to focus on what is healthiest for YOU and for your baby.. . .

And maybe allow your BF the space, dignity and ability to find a path to a healthier life for himself.

In learning about the disease of alcoholism/addiction (thru posting here, reading recovery literature, prayers & attending AL-Anon meetings) I learned that by letting go and allowing my loved ones to make their own choices and deal with the rewards or consequences of those choices - it gave them back their self-respect, dignity and honor.

I also learned it was ok to do what was best for me ~ I didn't have to suffer so that others could be happier or have an easier life. They could take care of themselves without it being at my expense.

This is just my experience, strength & hope ~ things that helped me on my path!
I wish you the very best on yours,

PINK HUGS,
Rita

brittany09

Thank you to everyone. I am pretty sure I know I have to leave and that it is the best thing for me and my baby. Its just very hard to do and im sure it will take a little while for me to get the courage up to tell him im leaving for good but I know its going to be tough enough taking care of myself and a newborn at 20 years old and I don't need the pressure of taking care of an addict too.

outtolunch

Getting into horrible car accidents is just another one of the consequences so many addicts experience.

You sound incredibly mature well beyond your age. Putting the baby's welfare first is good stuff.

Prepare yourself for the likelihood that he's going to try and hook you in with the ole " I can't do this without you" thing. Any way you slice it, he is responsible for his own recovery and the more he tries to hook you in, the further away he is from recovery.

Please consider filing for child support right away, too. His reaction to taking some financial responsibility for his child's welfare is also going to be very telling.

Maybe he's finally done. Maybe not. His actions ( not words and promices) determine his own outcome.

Please let us know how you are doing given you have a lot on your plate right now.

Kindeyes

brittany
Welcome to SR. There are a lot of people here who have been through what you are dealing with from one aspect or another. I think you'll find everyone very supportive.

My son is the father of a five year old boy. Luckily my grandson's mother is extremely responsible and takes very good care of him. My son does not financially support his child nor does he spend much time with him. I am so grateful that my grandson has such a good momma.

We will be here to support you. Take care of yourself and that wee one.

gentle hugs
ke

4everchanging

I agree that you should just stop all contact with him. I had a baby 6 months ago with my ABF. I left him for 5 months and moved in with my Mom and her husband when I was 7 months pregnant. I also had my three year old son with me. While we were apart I kept our relationship going and finally moved back in with him when our baby was 3 months old. That was a mistake. I thought I needed him in the delivery room with me and I felt I would be a horrible person if I made him miss the birth of his first child. Well he was high when we got to the hospital and he stressed me out so much that I kicked him out the next day. I sat there all alone with my baby and watched other couples be happy while I was crushed emotionally. Things have never gotten better with him. I have just gotten better at seeing through all the ********. If I could do it all over I would have cut my losses a long time ago and saved myself a lot of pain. If he is going to get sober then you can get back together after he has proven that he is on the right path. It's all talk and my ex will say anything to get me to stay. He is just using me so he can feel good and loved and I get nothing in return. Stay strong and try to focus on yourself and your baby!

hello-kitty

hi Jen and Welcome! I hope you stick around the sight for a long time to come. You'll find lots of support and encouragement here. Congratulations on your soon to be newborn.

I just want to tell you that I went thru a situation similar to yours nearly 6 years ago now. My son is 5 and 1/2. I'm a single mom. My son's dad is a crack addict. He was not much help with the baby because he was only focused on himself and his drugs (oh...sure he was good at "pretending" to be a father once in a while - but drugs were way more important.) He was more of a drain on me than anything. It was like having two babies. I'm a much better mother now that we are no longer together. I have more energy and more control over myself and the environment I raise my son in.

Anyway, my son is calling me and wants breakfast but I just want to tell you that even though raising a child on my own is harder than anything I've ever done, it's also the most rewarding and happiest thing I've ever done - and I don't have a drug addict sucking the life out of me any more so that makes it even better.

Whenever I'm in doubt, I just ask myself, what is the WISEST choice I can make to make sure my son has a stable and successful life. That usually helps clear up any questions in my mind about what I should be doing.

Keep posting ok!

brittany09

Well I definitely know now that he is NOT going to change and has made his decision on what's important to him and it isn't me and the baby. We had still been talking and last night we were texting and he sent a text to me on accident saying "just let me know when you turn on my road and i'll start walking" and I knew something bad was going on so I kept asking him who that was to and he said it was meant to go to his brother but I know he wouldn't have to tell his brother that since he lives right across the road. But I texted his mom and told her to watch him and what happened and he called me a little later mad saying all I care about is busting him and that the message was really for his friend bringing him methadone. So he said that we might as well call everything off and I can find someone else to help me with the baby. So that's that. Im officially done. I have myself and a baby coming any day to take care of and I can't take care of him while raising a child, working, and finishing school. I wish he was really trying to change and that it could all be different and work out but he can't quit and he wont try to so im not going to try to help him any longer. I've done enough.

pacificsunrise

brittany09,

welcome to SR and congratulations on your baby. also congratulations on your wise decision.

i wish i had your wisdom years ago, so i wouldn't be sitting at my parent's house w/ 2 little ones (4yrs and 1yr old) and third one on the way, while my addict husband is having our beautiful home all to himself.

but anyways, i just wanted to say that i am sorry that you have to go through all that mess and that you did make the right decision. i stayed w/ my husband for a long time thinking that it would make a difference, and now several years later i'm in the exact same spot.

unfortunately, you or anyone else do not have the power to stop the addiction. all you can do is take care of yourself and your beautiful baby.
this baby needs you to be strong and to provide the best possible environment for her/him.

good luck to you and stay strong. SR is a good place. it has helped me get stronger each day.

hugs and prayers.

laurie6781

FYI

When your baby is born, put his name on the birth certificate since you are sure it is his, then go for child support. No you may not get any now and an arrears will build up, but his ********:

Ain't going to happen. Yes, he can demand a paternity test, so what. He is responsibile for this child until it reaches at least 18 and longer if it chooses to go on to college.

These will be 'consequences' of his actions.

You should also have applied for WIC which is Women's Infants and Children and will be giving you some money right now for 'healthy foods' while you are pregnant and will continue until the child is 5 years old.

You will also need to apply NOW, for medicaid for you and the unborn baby and then it will roll to the child after birth so that there is health coverage for your child.

You will need to do this at your local Welfare Office, sometimes now called "Income Support" in some states. Apply for EVERYTHING, even though you are living with your folks as this will also come back to 'haunt' him as part of HIS consequences.

J M H O from years of experience.

Every bit of help that Georgia can give you will ease a bit of the stress you are looking at as a 20 yr old single mom.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much. We are with you in spirit!!!!

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

Or not. I did this and now I'm regretting it because my son's father doesn't work and probably never will so it's not like there's much of a chance of us getting any money. AND if I want to pursue the child support issues, I have to pay for an attorney out of my own pocket because I do not qualify for ANY assitance from the government. I would have to pay to establish legal custody of the child I already have physical custody of.

Having my ex's name on the birth certificate means, that until I get an attorney and sue him for full custody of the son I already physically have full custody of (and he hasn't attempted to see in over a year), he has equal rights to my son AND, god forbid, I have an accident and am unable to take care of my son, they will give his father custody of him.

It also means we cannot travel or get a passport with out my son's father's permission which would mean I would have to seek him out and get a signature which would cause all kinds of problems for my son.

What I realized after the fact was that I did not need to put him on the birth certificate to get custody payments. My suggestion from my experience is LEAVE HIM OFF and let the state handle it. I wish I would have done this. You can always add him to the birth certificate later, but once he's on there, you can not reverse it.

Anyway, that's just my experience. But i think it's important to know both sides.