ksumm77

Some weeks will go really well and then the other weeks are back to the same stuff with my AH. He's been sober for two and a half months, attending AA, therapy and seems to have a desire to change. AH has a history of seeing his dad cheat on his mom and then AH was in a relationship for years where this girl cheated on him. He has this preconceived notion that all women are not to be trusted (which he and his therapist are working on). I have never done anything to make him not trust me, but with his past, he brings that into our relationship. When he was actively drinking and using, it would be worse.... as far as him starting up with the "You really don't love me, you're with me b/c your biological clock is ticking, if I'm at an Al Anon meeting I'll stay after to talk to people and he asks what time the meeting is over and comments that there have been nights I've gotten home earlier than others, I went over on my cell phone minutes one month and he assumes I'm talking to a guy, etc. Then he'll turn around the next day and say he knows I've never given him a reason to doubt me and it's in his head, etc. I've told him that I can show him the breakdown of the cell phone bill, I can call him every time I'm leaving the Al-Anon mtg, etc, but I don't feel I should have to live like that and he's told me he doesn't want me to. Even though he's told me he doesn't want me doing these things, if I get home after a meeting a little later b/c I stayed to talk to someone, I tense up when I get home and I know that he's probably upset and thinking that I was talking to a guy, when I wasn't. I guess it's like walking on eggshells... still.

My question.... how do you deal with this? It's frustrating because I have not done anything to make him doubt me... as he has lied to me countless times and I have every reason to question him! I try to remind myself it's his disease talking and he has a lot to work through, but I still get angry.

jtee

I'm sorry. My boyfriend and I are going through something similar right now. Relationships are never easy, but it is definitely not an easier when i have to carry the weight of every girl who ever hurt him.

Buffalo66

Its controlling behavior, and it is , in my experience a projection of the fear that they have.
He seems aware of it, but that doesnt stop him from doing it.

I know the knot in the stomach feeling pulling up to the house, if I had not answered the phone when he called, or a tone in his voice, that leads me to fear whats coming next.

Everything I have read about this indicates that there are two courses of action for dealing with an obsessively insecure person, whether they are passive or aggressive about it mine could be both...)

1) Be as transparent about things as possible. MAke clear what is really happening. Do not elaborate or try to cover anything up, out of guilt, especially if you are not guilty.

2) State clearly what the truth is. State that you will only answer once, and that the incessant questioning is unecessary, and then end the conversation if it continues.
the wording suggested was this,
" I love you, and I am with you. I understand that you feel nervous or insecure. I will tell you what you want to know once. I will not talk about it anymore after that, because I dont like having to hash over it. Thanks for respecting that."

the suggestion was to do this each time, in a loving and calm manner.

If they become obsessive or press, excuse yourself and say you dont want to go over it again.

hope this helps.
I have done this w my A, and he seems to immediately know that it is him who is being stuck. Remarkably, he only pressed after I made the statements a few times. And I just said, we can talk when you feel less touchy.