FallenAngelPDX

So today I went in for my first counselling appointment today... it was hard. I wanted to just not show up... but I knew that if I was really going to stick with my recovery I had to go. So I showed up and we talked about it... talked about my various addictions and how I felt... talked a lot about my boyfriend. This is actually where a lot of the difficulties came up.

I asked my counselor what she thought about our situation. (For those of you that don't know I was selling my body for some really bad drugs... ended up confessing to everything). I wanted to know if I should continue trying to make things work right now and if she thought it was healthy for my recovery to keep seeing him. She told me that her advice is to surround myself with people that can support me completely right now, as that is what I need in my life. She asked if she thought it was fair to have any expectations from my bf, considering all of the emotions that he is experiencing due to the situation...

So I thought about it and I thought she made a good point, I can't ask him to be there for me how I need... every time I see him I beat myself up over how I messed up and hurt him. I thought that maybe it's okay for our relationship to be up in the air and just take some time off while I focus solely on recovery... so I went over to his apartment to visit after my session.

I explained how I was feeling and what I was thinking, and he didn't really say much but when I asked if he understood/thought it was a good idea he said yes... then I told him I probably couldn't see him for awhile and asked if I could just lay with him for a bit... ends up he is kinda seeing someone else. I'm not going to go into details but ultimately I realized that things weren't going to work.

We kinda got into it because I asked... or demanded I guess... for him to break up with me, and he wouldn't. I asked him why he wouldn't over and over, and when he asked me why I wouldn't break up with him I told him it's because I don't want to- I want things to work. After over an hour of this back and forth bickering I realized that the only thing I could do was end things myself... I can't get sober if I'm too focused on repenting for my mistakes.

Here's the downside... I can't stop thinking about using now. All I want to do is get high and escape everything that is weighing down on me. I am at work right now, so thankfully I can't... but when I get home idk... I'm scared. I want to keep getting better, I want to do this for me... but now that I've lost him I almost just want to give up. I feel so weak right now... but I have made some calls and texts (to supportive friends, not drug dealers) and am hoping that's enough to get me through tonight. I don't want to relapse... I want to prove to myself that I care enough about me to get better, and that I don't need to do it for someone else.

Sorry.... just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening...

Anna

Breaking up is never easy and I'm sorry you're going through this, but know that you can do it. You can get through the breakup sober and you can continue to focus on your therapy and your recovery.

OklaBH

You've been hit with a lot lately. Of course you want to use. You are to smart to go back!

Dee74

I agree with Anna angel - I know it's hard and I'm sorry for your sadness, but if you surround yourself with good solid support and work hard at it, you can definitely do this

D

FallenAngelPDX

I'm trying... I am... I'm sitting here thinking about goals I want to accomplish by my next session in a week... small and manageable goals... I think it's easier to keep face right now while I have people around me, I'm just nervous about being alone tonight. I already had that really bad skin-tingle feeling when I caught the smell of some chemical earlier... it totally made me think about using. I'm trying though- and I'm trying to get some people to come over after I get off to keep me company. Thank you all for giving me support. Baby steps, right?

ForwardMotion

I'm so sorry that you're going through so much! Don't use, I can 100% guarantee that nothing in your situation will get better for you if you do. If you can, come here when you get home, if not, is there someone supportive you can call if you go in crisis mode? ((((hugs))))

nancyj

You can do it!

artsoul

I thought about drinking constantly for a while, but I learned that I could distract myself, get through the urge, and it made me stronger. We're so used to immediate gratification, instead of working on something to experience the reward.

It's nice to feel "good," but it's even better to get that feeling from accomplishment and growth. Drinking and using is just a cheap shortcut, an illusion.

I hope you find some supportive people to hang out with tonight. And we're here for you, too. Hang in there - stay positive - things will work out!

FallenAngelPDX

I just finished setting myself 3 reasonable goals that I want to accomplish by next week... my urges are coming and going, but I just got in touch with my roommate and he said that he'll make sure he's home tonight. He said we'll watch some Disney VHS and wrap ourselves in blankets. He's aware of my situation so I know he'll help keep me sober tonight. Thank you all for your support... one day at a time.

Anna

Good plan, FallenAngel!

Setting realistic goals is such a good idea because it will make you feel like you are accomplishing things. And, you're lucky to have a good friend to support you tonight.