Parental guilt
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Ottawa Ontario
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Parental guilt
I am new to this site. I am the mother of a 19 year old addict/alcoholic. I have been to many 12 step meetings, counselling, etc. and can not seem to shed the guilt I feel with regards to my child's addiction and mental health problems. I have 2 children, the eldest being well adjusted and productive. Our youngest began to struggle later in elementary school and always compared himself to his sibling, though we tried not to do this, it may have been inevitable at times. By middle school, he was addicted to cannabis and now also consumes a lot of alcohol. He was also diagnosed with mental health issues anxiety and depression.
As parents, we tried to give our children the advantages we didn't have. When we learned of our son's addiction, we tried everything we could manage to put a stop to it, to no avail. I became obsessed and crazy and willing to say or do anything I thought would change the progression of the disease. I made myself sick over his sickness. I said and did things I am not proud of, one of which is saying I wish he were never born. He must have overheard me at that point, because this came up in conversation this week. I know they try to blame everyone but themselves. He says it's all my fault, and though we are told we "didn't cause it" I have never really believed that.
I'm consumed by guilt and he is convinced I caused all his problems.
What can I do to make ammends?
As parents, we tried to give our children the advantages we didn't have. When we learned of our son's addiction, we tried everything we could manage to put a stop to it, to no avail. I became obsessed and crazy and willing to say or do anything I thought would change the progression of the disease. I made myself sick over his sickness. I said and did things I am not proud of, one of which is saying I wish he were never born. He must have overheard me at that point, because this came up in conversation this week. I know they try to blame everyone but themselves. He says it's all my fault, and though we are told we "didn't cause it" I have never really believed that.
I'm consumed by guilt and he is convinced I caused all his problems.
What can I do to make ammends?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
You can make living amends by working your 12 step program the way you wish he would work his...I am also the mother of a 19 year old addict..she has 6 months clean now..I felt guilty for a long time too, but it is true that we did not cause this.I have said things I regretted..I have apologized and work my program so I won't make the same mistakes over and over. My guilt only worsened my daughters addiction as it kept me enabling her.In alanon I learned to not love her into her grave.Addicts often blame other people for their circumstances..its part of the disease. Do yu have a sponsor who can help you work through your guilt?Mine did wonders for me..
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by sgb 
I'm consumed by guilt and he is convinced I caused all his problems.
What can I do to make ammends?
It is false.
It is a lie.
As for the amends, you are putting the cart before the horse, in order to assuage your guilt.
Take the Steps, slowly and thoroughly, one at a time, and in order if you can manage it. They are in order for a reason.
Much will be revealed to you as you journey.
Welcome here. I'm glad you found this site.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Serve an Eviction notice on "Mr Nasty Guilt Monster"
From my understanding . . . it is part of the Family Disease of alcoholism & addiction -
It is a never ending cycle - you do more to try to help, the addict does less to help themselves, guilt tells you ~ "YOU MUST DO MORE" and on and on and on ~ nothing changes if nothing changes
Just as when you son was a child - he will continue to do whatever enables him to get his needs met~ how ever unhealthy and damaging it may be to himself and others around him.
There is freedom for YOU, healing for YOU and the ability to release him to find a path of self-worth, dignity and the ability to find his own way.
That is a beautiful, loving gift for all involved.
AND each of you are worthy of this gift!
PINK HUGS to you
Rita
From my understanding . . . it is part of the Family Disease of alcoholism & addiction -
It is a never ending cycle - you do more to try to help, the addict does less to help themselves, guilt tells you ~ "YOU MUST DO MORE" and on and on and on ~ nothing changes if nothing changes
Just as when you son was a child - he will continue to do whatever enables him to get his needs met~ how ever unhealthy and damaging it may be to himself and others around him.
There is freedom for YOU, healing for YOU and the ability to release him to find a path of self-worth, dignity and the ability to find his own way.
That is a beautiful, loving gift for all involved.
AND each of you are worthy of this gift!
PINK HUGS to you
Rita
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. There are many parents here (like myself) who truly understand the things you are dealing with. Good for you for getting yourself to meetings and tackling this issue from a standpoint of your own health. That is HUGE and I wish I had done that when my son was only 19!
Guilt. It's a tough one for parents. We don't take credit for the success of our healthy children but we take on the guilt we associate with our children afflicted with this disease.
Guilt should serve a purpose. Keeping us from doing something we shouldn't or making us do something that we should. Carrying guilt that we cannot "do" something about serves no purpose. You cannot undo the past.
Our addicted sons and daughters have an uncanny ability to say things to play on that guilt that we are carrying that we can't do anything about. I still wrestle with the guilt thing but I know in my heart that I did the best that I was able to do at the time in raising my son. We can forgive ourselves even if our children will not.
I understand your guilt. It is very difficult having a child who (as my son described it) is a "free spirit". Yup.....he's a free spirit alright......he wants everything for free.
I hope you stick around. There are so many here who understand what you are going through and we are all seeking serenity whether our loved one continues to use or not.
gentle hugs
ke
Guilt. It's a tough one for parents. We don't take credit for the success of our healthy children but we take on the guilt we associate with our children afflicted with this disease.
Guilt should serve a purpose. Keeping us from doing something we shouldn't or making us do something that we should. Carrying guilt that we cannot "do" something about serves no purpose. You cannot undo the past.
Our addicted sons and daughters have an uncanny ability to say things to play on that guilt that we are carrying that we can't do anything about. I still wrestle with the guilt thing but I know in my heart that I did the best that I was able to do at the time in raising my son. We can forgive ourselves even if our children will not.
I understand your guilt. It is very difficult having a child who (as my son described it) is a "free spirit". Yup.....he's a free spirit alright......he wants everything for free.
I hope you stick around. There are so many here who understand what you are going through and we are all seeking serenity whether our loved one continues to use or not.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
I understand your guilt. It is very difficult having a child who (as my son described it) is a "free spirit". Yup.....he's a free spirit alright......he wants everything for free.
ke
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
As keepinon mentions, I had to work the program I wanted my daughter to. I wanted her to own her disease, so I had to start by owning my codie traits and facing them with eyes wide open. I allowed my guilt to work for me by 100% owning my share of the blame, for contributing to her character defects, and vowing to stop immediately. That is how I make living amends --- by no longer enabling.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
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Sgb: Another mom here of an addicted son here. Our stories are amazingly similar. My AS is the youngest of 3 children. The older two are doing great.
Perhaps it would help you get over this "hump" by realizing that letting go of parental guilt is a command from your Higher Power - not a suggestion. Guilt keeps you unable to truly influence your son. It keeps you from being the individual, wife, daughter, mother, neighbor, and citizen that you have been commanded to be by your Higher Power. Your Higher Power gave you the responsibility of these 2 children, and it sounds like you stood up to the plate and did what you were supposed to do. Well, even though your kids are older, you still need to stand at the plate and do the right thing.
You grieve over the loss of your AS's potential, over that gift of life that you know that he has been given. But in the eyes of his Higher Power, this is a very serious thing that he has done. But in that same vein, you are just as responsible to cherish the life that you have been given. Have you ever offered a gift to someone who refused to take it by saying something like, "Oh, you shouldn't have because I just do not deserve it. Take it back to the store and get your money back." I have had that happen, and believe me it was not a good feeling. I felt very unloved by that person. Well, your Higher Power feels that way when you refuse the gift of life by staying in parental guilt.
Take what you want here and leave the rest. But it sounds like you are 95% there, you've just got this hump to get over before you can get to the other side. BTW, when you have periods of time where you successfully refute that guilt, pay attention to the thoughts that then come into your mind. You might get some clues as to what your deep mind is avoiding by staying in this guilt.
Perhaps it would help you get over this "hump" by realizing that letting go of parental guilt is a command from your Higher Power - not a suggestion. Guilt keeps you unable to truly influence your son. It keeps you from being the individual, wife, daughter, mother, neighbor, and citizen that you have been commanded to be by your Higher Power. Your Higher Power gave you the responsibility of these 2 children, and it sounds like you stood up to the plate and did what you were supposed to do. Well, even though your kids are older, you still need to stand at the plate and do the right thing.
You grieve over the loss of your AS's potential, over that gift of life that you know that he has been given. But in the eyes of his Higher Power, this is a very serious thing that he has done. But in that same vein, you are just as responsible to cherish the life that you have been given. Have you ever offered a gift to someone who refused to take it by saying something like, "Oh, you shouldn't have because I just do not deserve it. Take it back to the store and get your money back." I have had that happen, and believe me it was not a good feeling. I felt very unloved by that person. Well, your Higher Power feels that way when you refuse the gift of life by staying in parental guilt.
Take what you want here and leave the rest. But it sounds like you are 95% there, you've just got this hump to get over before you can get to the other side. BTW, when you have periods of time where you successfully refute that guilt, pay attention to the thoughts that then come into your mind. You might get some clues as to what your deep mind is avoiding by staying in this guilt.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
My AD was also the 3rd child. The first two children have had no problems. My daughter also would compare her achievements to her older siblings and never felt like she measured-up.
I understand guilt. I spent hours thinking of what I could have done differently.
As parents, we do the best that we can. I don't think there is a parent alive who holds their new-born child, looks at that precious baby and thinks, "How can I screw this child up?" We do what we can do, we do our best, we make mistakes along the way, and we are not to blame. Things are what they are. We can only accept what is and do the best that we can.
I understand guilt. I spent hours thinking of what I could have done differently.
As parents, we do the best that we can. I don't think there is a parent alive who holds their new-born child, looks at that precious baby and thinks, "How can I screw this child up?" We do what we can do, we do our best, we make mistakes along the way, and we are not to blame. Things are what they are. We can only accept what is and do the best that we can.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I also have an AS who is 22. We all have guilt, I will always have a certain degree of guilt. It's what you do with that guilt that matters. One of my biggest regrets is that I let my guilt control me therefore stopping myself from doing the best thing for my child. That was putting my foot down and saying I will not be a part of this. You cannot let it consume you. As long as he senses your guilt he will play it against you.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Norcross, GA
Posts: 19
One way to look at it might be to ask yourself, "Did we do anything fundamentally different between the older son and the younger one?" If the answer is no, as I'm guessing it is, then you'll know his addiction is not your fault. Another thing you can do to get rid of the guilt is to keep going to meetings and working your own program; then you'll know that you're doing everything in your power to support him. (That 'in your power' part is hard, I know). Do not enable him and do not believe him when he says that it's your fault - he's manipulating you. He's trying to control you when he says things like that. Refuse to allow that.
Good luck to you and lots of hugs,
drinkingwater
Good luck to you and lots of hugs,
drinkingwater
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted by drinkingwater
One way to look at it might be to ask yourself, "Did we do anything fundamentally different between the older son and the younger one?" If the answer is no, as I'm guessing it is, then you'll know his addiction is not your fault. drinkingwater
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Norcross, GA
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by keepinon
This would seem to imply that if you had more than one child who was addicted that you WOULD be at fault.Many people on this site DO have more than one child with addiction and it is also NOT their fault.We didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.Fundamental principle of Alanon.
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