jen13

Well last night AH woke me up at 11:30 to "talk". He started off telling me that he had noticed the distance I had placed between myself and him. He said that he needs to know if I am going to be there to support his recovery and he would also like to try and help me in return. He said that the OD was the most eye opening thing for him, he realizes that if he takes another pill it could be his last day on earth. He said that he knew he should have talked to me about the feelings he was having which led him to go to the doctor. He said he doesnt know why he ended up taking the pain pill which led to the OD. He said he wants to stay positive and move forward. He spoke of outpatient rehab and said it was too expensive. I advised him that there are several community based programs including naranon that do not charge for help. He then said he wanted us to go to therapy together. Like marriage counseling which I just dont agree with. I tried to explain to him how I felt about the whole thing and how hurt I was. He said he understands but I just dont know. How can he understand? He said that my son and myself are the things that he loves most in life and would never want to hurt us again. How can I be so sure that he will never do this again? I mean he says he isnt going to but his words mean squat to me at this point. I know that he does love me, I have never doubted that but when is enough enough? I told him I thought we both had issues to work on. Tried to explain codependency to him and how are realtionship may be on the toxic side. I told him about me joining the group here and how I have read so many powerful things. I just dont think its fair that he is placing us staying together or breaking up on me. I know its my decision but because of his actions I am forced to deal with it. I wish I could rewind back to Wednesday evening where my path in life was a positive one but he crushed all that. I did tell him that but I just dont think he gets what this has done to me. Thanks for letting me vent. On a positive note at least he spoke. At least he is trying to be open and honest at this point but that just doesnt make everything ok

laurie6781

Sorry, but I don't think so. He is QUACKING and trying to manipulate you to stay so he can continue to have his cake and eat it too.

What he said are just words. ACTIONS are what will show you he is serious, and those will take a lot of time. Most Marriage Counselors that are worth their salt and understand addiction will not take on a couple until the one with addiction is in recovery on a committed level.

Stick to your 'guns' Jen ............................. it is not all on your shoulders if this marriage does not work. It will be the consequences of HIS ACTIONS.

Have you tried AlAnon or are you going to AlAnon? We are here for you, but some local face to face support will help you bunches.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Chino

Same thing goes for family therapy. My RAD wanted that and the therapist said no way, not until after she was clean and dealing with her disease.

jen13

[QUOTE=laurie6781;2915239] Stick to your 'guns' Jen ............................. it is not all on your shoulders if this marriage does not work. It will be the consequences of HIS ACTIONS.

Have you tried AlAnon or are you going to AlAnon? We are here for you, but some local face to face support will help you bunches.QUOTE]

I am sticking to my guns on this, I will not allow him to tell me how to feel mr lay the blame on me that the relationship is failing. He was even trying to say that he felt the relationship was going downhill before the OD which is one reason he went to a doctor about anxiety. Im not real sure about that either. I think it was just a way for him to turn this around on me. He is really good at that.

I have joined the naranon online forum. Someone here sent me a link the day I signed up here. I read both daily. I would like to attend meetings as well but will have to wait on that until I am in a position to go. Right now I am the only care taker for my child, at this point I dont trust the husband to be left alone with him. I dont think he will do anything stupid but then again I didnt think he ever would again.

hello-kitty

Actions not words.

Sounds like you are willing to make the wise, tough choices that are necessary to ensure that your child and you have a stable life. Does that include chronic drug problems and the possibility of another broken promise? Only you can decide.

This is the cycle of many addicts when it comes to "recovery":

relaspe/problems/remission/relapse/more problems/remission/relapse/more problems/remission/relapse/more problems/remission.... and so on. It ends when you decide not to put up with it anymore.

jen13

Thats exactly what I wanted from him. I wanted him to say that he found an outpatient facility or that he was now going to meetings-SOMETHING. Instead I hear that OR is to expensive and that he will look for meetings. I am tired of hearing he will work on himself but wants me to be there to support him. I dont feel like thats my job. My job is to be the best mother I can be to my son and put him and my own well being first!

JMFburns

IMHO - What right does he have to wake you up to "talk". Selfish if you ask me.

Yeah, I agree with others let him show you some action 1st before believing anything . . . not just one meeting, but some real commitment . . . sober time, meetings, working the program, thinking about others, etc.

jen13

I came home tonight and found him on the computer researching where he can attend meetings in our area. Later he made a phone call to an outpatient facility and has an appointment tomorrow for an assessment. I didnt say anything about it, I went about my evening.

Lunaaa

[QUOTE=JMFburns;2915774]IMHO - What right does he have to wake you up to "talk". Selfish if you ask me.[QUOTE]

Be carfeul. As long as they are only thinking about themselves,their needs and wants then they haven't changed. my exab used to wake me up at 4 am insisting we talk,(actually fight) becuase he cant sleep while he knew very well i had work to wake up 6 for work and that i needed to sleep.
I agree it's selfish.

pacificsunrise

Hi jen13

my husband also wants to do therapy together, which i'm not interested in right now. i think that it helps take focus off of them and their addiction and placing it on a relationship as a whole. and then, since we are responsible for the things that are wrong in the relationship, of course it makes it all our fault.
what a wonderful scenario, that allows them to do whatever they please - guilt free.

thank you so much for this laurie6781. that is so true and i had to learn the hard way.

jen13,

so sorry you have to go through this but you are doing a good job of staying your ground. my AH also looked up all the NA groups in the area and even printed them out and then never went. they will do whatever it takes to keep the peace and to keep us in their addiction prison.

time will really tell how serious he is about anything. be patient and don't compromise your wellbeing or that of your son.

you are doing great and seem to have a good grip on his stories. stay strong and focused.

hugs and prayers.