JACKRUSSELLGIRL

We have been civil to each other the past week and this morning were discussing the sale of the house. I ask him where he thought he would be moving to and he got all pissed off and defensive. He started with the boyfriend BS again. I told him that there is no boyfriend and that we are splitting up because of the drinking. I tried to stay calm because I am so tired of defending a lie. I told him he makes up the BF thing because he will not accept that alcohol has torn us apart.

I am actually typing this and I am not as emotional as I usually would be after one of these agruments. I feel that is progress although I am getting very tired of this situation. What are some of the things that you do to take your mind off of your current situation?

wanttobehealthy

I can relate to being able to not be as bothered by these kind of interactions but nonetheless be SICK and tired of having them occur.

What has helped (oddly enough) take my mind off my current situation with my AH and actually given me the ability to start caring about ME instead of him, was having something far more distressing occur (bizarre I know but things happen in mysterious ways sometimes) in my life that put things in perspective.

I'm not recommending this as a method (I had no control over the life changing event that occured) but boy did it give me a wake up call about what is and isn't important to focus my attention on...

Hang in there!

GettingBy

For me, I stopped talking about all the exact reasons... and just left it at - "Our marriage is broken and it's not healthy for us to be together." No blame game - just - it is what it is. For me, it wasn't just the alcohol that tore us apart. If you take away the alcohol, there was still so much unacceptable behavior to reconcile... ignoring my calls, blowing off family events, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, the drinking and driving, not engaging in conversations and working towards fixing our marriage... it's so much more than just the drinking. The drinking is an easy target, but for me, it's not the whole problem.

As for taking my mind off it... I haven't a clue because I haven't been able to do that at all in the past 2 weeks. It's overwhelming my life and that in and of itself is a motivator for me to do something.

seekingcalm

In order to take my mind off my rabf when we first split up, I forced myself to get out and see friends, even if I didn't feel like it.

I read, and watched old movies, and cleaned my new place, and feathered my nest, and thought about what I'd like my life to be like now that it really was up to me.

Hope that helps. I got to know myself, and it was fun. Still is.

kmkluvr1

Reading has helped alot

zrx1200R

Best not to talk to him at all. But if you must, start off with a compliment. I know it is hard. However, what you want is for him to agree with what ever you say.

The compliment will break down some of his barriers. Then you can work on the next step. It is all about YOU now. Not him. Set him uup for your success.

Try to present your path as a series of questions. Here is the hard part. Take the time to think through the questions and ask them in a manner that he has to say yes. It is hard to do, but works very well. Trust me.

For example, instead of saying, "there in no reason for us to stay together any longer, is there?" Answer -- No. Try instead, "I think we can both agree the marriage is over. I still love and care for you, but you understand we need to live in different places?" Answer -- Yes.

The information is exactly the same. But his response is affirmative. It puts his entire broken, fracked up, delusional pscyhe in an affirmative mode. It allows him to to agree with you bypassing his natural argrumentative state. It forces him to AGREE with you!

I've been using these techniques with remarkable succsess latetly.