Leaving and need support
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Leaving and need support
I finally feel strong enough to leave my ABF. I KNOW i am doing the right thing for myself, and for my future. I know that nothing changes if nothing changes, and i know i have done everything i could to be understanding and encouraging, and keep things happy at home, to no avail. I know this is an unhealthy environment, and in order to take care of myself it's time to remove myself from it. I know that I have tried in the past to leave, but wasn't ready, wasn't strong enough. I feel wiser now, and have admitted my powerlessness over the situation, his situation, and know that I need to take care of myself now.
Boxes are filling up, and moving truck is reserved for Saturday. I'm leaving Monday to go back to the town I originally moved from to be with him 6 months ago, taking the animals and getting settled where I will be staying while I decide where to go from here. I have many options, family spread around the country that would all love to have me around. I will be returning Friday with friends to load up the truck and leave with all of my things on Saturday.
I'm looking for suggestions on how to grieve, and attempt to move forward during this very sad time for me. I know he is sick, and i know that I can't help him. But I'm still sad that the relationship is over. I still care for him, and always will, and cry when I think about the good times, although they were getting fewer, there were still some great times that we shared. I've journaled about everything over the last year, all our ups and downs (mostly downs), and refer to those entries to remind myself of what it was like when I was in the thick of it. I have made a list of reminders, detailing the unacceptable behavior I was accepting, and why i deserve more. But I still grieve.
I pray every day for strength, and the power to change the things I can. I also pray for the pain to go away, and the tears to stop, but I know that it's part of the process of letting go. I plan on going to as many meetings as I can when i'm back in my old town, but i'm only going to be there temporarily while I plan where i'm going to go to start over. There were other reasons I left there besides just for him, and I really have no desire to settle back down there.
So what can I do for the next couple weeks? I know they are going to be hard on me emotionally. Trying not to think about what he's doing, trying not to talk myself out of the decision I made. Any suggestions or stories of experience, strength and hope would be appreciated.
Boxes are filling up, and moving truck is reserved for Saturday. I'm leaving Monday to go back to the town I originally moved from to be with him 6 months ago, taking the animals and getting settled where I will be staying while I decide where to go from here. I have many options, family spread around the country that would all love to have me around. I will be returning Friday with friends to load up the truck and leave with all of my things on Saturday.
I'm looking for suggestions on how to grieve, and attempt to move forward during this very sad time for me. I know he is sick, and i know that I can't help him. But I'm still sad that the relationship is over. I still care for him, and always will, and cry when I think about the good times, although they were getting fewer, there were still some great times that we shared. I've journaled about everything over the last year, all our ups and downs (mostly downs), and refer to those entries to remind myself of what it was like when I was in the thick of it. I have made a list of reminders, detailing the unacceptable behavior I was accepting, and why i deserve more. But I still grieve.
I pray every day for strength, and the power to change the things I can. I also pray for the pain to go away, and the tears to stop, but I know that it's part of the process of letting go. I plan on going to as many meetings as I can when i'm back in my old town, but i'm only going to be there temporarily while I plan where i'm going to go to start over. There were other reasons I left there besides just for him, and I really have no desire to settle back down there.
So what can I do for the next couple weeks? I know they are going to be hard on me emotionally. Trying not to think about what he's doing, trying not to talk myself out of the decision I made. Any suggestions or stories of experience, strength and hope would be appreciated.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know that anyone can tell you "how" to grieve--we each handle it in our own way.
For me, I spent time with other people I was leaving behind (some friends, some family). I left right after Christmas, and so I spent some time in church and I made it a point to light a candle and say a prayer for him.
On my way back (I moved back to where we had started, too), I stopped at a shrine and said a prayer there, too. I prayed for peace for both of us. I don't know that it helped him any, but it helped me. I envisioned myself handing him over to HIS Higher Power.
Hugs,
For me, I spent time with other people I was leaving behind (some friends, some family). I left right after Christmas, and so I spent some time in church and I made it a point to light a candle and say a prayer for him.
On my way back (I moved back to where we had started, too), I stopped at a shrine and said a prayer there, too. I prayed for peace for both of us. I don't know that it helped him any, but it helped me. I envisioned myself handing him over to HIS Higher Power.
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Thank you Lexie, for sharing your experience, and what helped you. I'm hoping to see lots of ideas on here that never would have occurred to me to try. I haven't stepped foot into a church since my mother died. I had no belief in a God of any sort back then.
Coming into AlAnon has changed my life in that regard, that a Higher Power is taking care of me, and has a plan. I'm getting better at praying, turning things over, and not feeling akward about it anymore, so maybe it is time for me to concentrate on doing it more and more during this hard time. I actually pray out loud a little now, even though it's only a whisper. Lighting a candle is something tangible, I'm a fan of feeling like I am actually 'doing' something. Maybe I should light one for me as well, is that corny?
Coming into AlAnon has changed my life in that regard, that a Higher Power is taking care of me, and has a plan. I'm getting better at praying, turning things over, and not feeling akward about it anymore, so maybe it is time for me to concentrate on doing it more and more during this hard time. I actually pray out loud a little now, even though it's only a whisper. Lighting a candle is something tangible, I'm a fan of feeling like I am actually 'doing' something. Maybe I should light one for me as well, is that corny?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Love your name, kittykitty. You sound like you are taking positive steps. Things that help me are getting outside in the woods or in the sunshine, taking a walk, spending some time with each of my pets individually...just me and them, also reading.
Peace and hugs to you.
Peace and hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Keep a journal of your thoughts. Write a little each day when you feel sadness or grief taking over. Or anger! I write out my prayers to my HP, too. It helps me to visualize everything in black and white.
I also walk a lot. Between that and the "stress diet", I've lost about 10 pounds since January!
And be good to yourself - time heals all wounds. I am grieving too - it hits me at the craziest moments (in meetings, driving to the grocery store, seeing other couples together, etc.) and I stop and acknowledge the emotion. I loved him. But I am doing the right thing.
Stay strong!
~T
I also walk a lot. Between that and the "stress diet", I've lost about 10 pounds since January!
And be good to yourself - time heals all wounds. I am grieving too - it hits me at the craziest moments (in meetings, driving to the grocery store, seeing other couples together, etc.) and I stop and acknowledge the emotion. I loved him. But I am doing the right thing.
Stay strong!
~T
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I look forward to doing alot of walking, the town I am going to has a preserve with over 65 miles of trails, and my dog loves it out there.
It seems that when I have the most trouble is when I am alone with my thoughts. My head starts going in many different directions, and if I'm already having a bad day or a weak moment, i find the excuses start to pop up, the doubts that I am doing the right thing. I start to convince myself that I didn't communicate enough, or I expected too much, and the next thing you know I"ve convinced myself that it was all my fault and he deserves another chance. My brain is my worst enemy at these times, it's why I have not been able to break things off in the past.
Congrats on the weight loss! I've been meaning to start up my P90X again, that will give me something to do!
It seems that when I have the most trouble is when I am alone with my thoughts. My head starts going in many different directions, and if I'm already having a bad day or a weak moment, i find the excuses start to pop up, the doubts that I am doing the right thing. I start to convince myself that I didn't communicate enough, or I expected too much, and the next thing you know I"ve convinced myself that it was all my fault and he deserves another chance. My brain is my worst enemy at these times, it's why I have not been able to break things off in the past.
Congrats on the weight loss! I've been meaning to start up my P90X again, that will give me something to do!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by kittykitty 
I've been meaning to start up my P90X again, that will give me something to do!
About a month ago I started running again and am gearing up to start back on P90x. Talk about making yourself feel empowered :-)
Be patient with yourself Kitty-kitty. It's okay to be sad, and okay to miss the good times... but be realistic and remind yourself you left for very good reasons. It wasn't healthy for you, and him.
I like LexieCat's idea about praying for them... I will do just that for my AH. Pray for his HP to comfort him and guide him through this. I love him, and probably always will... it's just not healthy for me to be with him.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Boy, it sounds like you have really done a great job of thinking, planning, and doing--and anticipating all the feelings is also a great step.
You are already keeping a journal--keep that up.
It's also VERY wise to go somewhere that you know will be restorative--a place that has good associations for you. I know that on my leave-taking, it was wonderful to already feel "at home" when I got here, even though I have hardly anything here of my own. But there's something about the town I'm in that makes me feel I'm very much in the right place, geographically as well as in my head and heart.
In terms of grieving, try to remember the AA slogan One Day at a Time. Same holds true for you--sometimes it's One Minute at a Time. In my experience, if you have the peace of knowing you're on the right path, even the difficult times have some foundation of "rightness" about it--kind of like the difference between pain and suffering. Whereas before you were suffering, now you'll sometimes feel pain of the break-up, but you won't be "suffering." Don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I see it.
Now that you have all the pieces in place, you don't have to look ahead in fear. You can just move ahead in faith. I will also "shoot one up" for you (that was my mother's way of praying for something--she was always "shooting one up"). I wish you well...
You are already keeping a journal--keep that up.
It's also VERY wise to go somewhere that you know will be restorative--a place that has good associations for you. I know that on my leave-taking, it was wonderful to already feel "at home" when I got here, even though I have hardly anything here of my own. But there's something about the town I'm in that makes me feel I'm very much in the right place, geographically as well as in my head and heart.
In terms of grieving, try to remember the AA slogan One Day at a Time. Same holds true for you--sometimes it's One Minute at a Time. In my experience, if you have the peace of knowing you're on the right path, even the difficult times have some foundation of "rightness" about it--kind of like the difference between pain and suffering. Whereas before you were suffering, now you'll sometimes feel pain of the break-up, but you won't be "suffering." Don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I see it.
Now that you have all the pieces in place, you don't have to look ahead in fear. You can just move ahead in faith. I will also "shoot one up" for you (that was my mother's way of praying for something--she was always "shooting one up"). I wish you well...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Congratulations on your decision kittykitty. I agree with the previous posters: you seem to have given this a lot of thought and are moving forward with resolve.
As for mourning, I would explore different artistic avenues. I've often grabbed a bunch of old magazines and done some collages of my state of mind, while listening to some evocative music. Obviously the piece that results isn't a work of art, but it was very interesting for me to see which images spoke to me that particular day. When I repeated the exercise a week later, the images changes along with my state of mind.
I'm a big fan of breeeeeeathing exercises. I started doing them while taking karate, and later on in yoga. Practicing being present in the moment and focusing exclusively on breath, on the way it changes your body as it travels in and out, is actually...kind of hard! My mind tends to wander and I have to really focus on reigning it in. Perhaps you could pick up something like this for when you are feeling unsettled or doubtful.
Finally, something that really helped me was organizing visits to place that felt sacred for me, and documenting the experiencing. I was never baptized but after my separation, I found myself visiting a local Catholic church and sitting through the mass. I wrote about my experience, took some pictures and put together a little booklet of my "travels in the city". This seems to reaffirm my faith in HP and remind me that as much as I felt sad or uncomfortable, no one ever died from feeling that way and that HP was caring for me.
Cheers to you! Let us know how the move goes...
As for mourning, I would explore different artistic avenues. I've often grabbed a bunch of old magazines and done some collages of my state of mind, while listening to some evocative music. Obviously the piece that results isn't a work of art, but it was very interesting for me to see which images spoke to me that particular day. When I repeated the exercise a week later, the images changes along with my state of mind.
I'm a big fan of breeeeeeathing exercises. I started doing them while taking karate, and later on in yoga. Practicing being present in the moment and focusing exclusively on breath, on the way it changes your body as it travels in and out, is actually...kind of hard! My mind tends to wander and I have to really focus on reigning it in. Perhaps you could pick up something like this for when you are feeling unsettled or doubtful.
Finally, something that really helped me was organizing visits to place that felt sacred for me, and documenting the experiencing. I was never baptized but after my separation, I found myself visiting a local Catholic church and sitting through the mass. I wrote about my experience, took some pictures and put together a little booklet of my "travels in the city". This seems to reaffirm my faith in HP and remind me that as much as I felt sad or uncomfortable, no one ever died from feeling that way and that HP was caring for me.
Cheers to you! Let us know how the move goes...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Thanks to everyone for the suggestions.
Took my first load today, brought down clothes to get settled where I am staying, then going to head back up Friday for the final move.
I'm completely miserable right now, can't stop crying. Can't stop thinking that I am giving up on him, even though I know that I can't live like I was living any longer. But I still can't stop weeping for him, and the 'us' that used to be. I miss my apartment, i made it into such a nice home for us, I worked so hard on it. I miss the dogpark where I took my dog every day, and the way he would say her name when we would walk in the door.
I'm just so miserable here, how am I ever going to do this. I am so sick of making decisions and doubting myself later. Even when I go back and read my journals, and other entries, I know I am doing the right thing. Why does it hurt so much if it's the right thing.
All I can think about is how messed up I am, and how many issues I have ~ how would I feel if someone I loved had no faith in my ability to change or get better. If someone who I had come to depend on for support, friendship, and love just walked away because they said I wasn't trying hard enough. I feel like the most horrible person right now.
I am so sick of this merry go round. I am so sick of feeling confident one minute, and full of doubt the next minute. I am so sick of blaming all of my unhappiness and insecurities on him. Thats what I feel like I'm doing right now. I feel like i'm blaming him for everything, and taking no responsibility for any of this at all.
Help me, please
Took my first load today, brought down clothes to get settled where I am staying, then going to head back up Friday for the final move.
I'm completely miserable right now, can't stop crying. Can't stop thinking that I am giving up on him, even though I know that I can't live like I was living any longer. But I still can't stop weeping for him, and the 'us' that used to be. I miss my apartment, i made it into such a nice home for us, I worked so hard on it. I miss the dogpark where I took my dog every day, and the way he would say her name when we would walk in the door.
I'm just so miserable here, how am I ever going to do this. I am so sick of making decisions and doubting myself later. Even when I go back and read my journals, and other entries, I know I am doing the right thing. Why does it hurt so much if it's the right thing.
All I can think about is how messed up I am, and how many issues I have ~ how would I feel if someone I loved had no faith in my ability to change or get better. If someone who I had come to depend on for support, friendship, and love just walked away because they said I wasn't trying hard enough. I feel like the most horrible person right now.
I am so sick of this merry go round. I am so sick of feeling confident one minute, and full of doubt the next minute. I am so sick of blaming all of my unhappiness and insecurities on him. Thats what I feel like I'm doing right now. I feel like i'm blaming him for everything, and taking no responsibility for any of this at all.
Help me, please
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I like grieving on the beach in Hawaii. :-)
Seriously~ planning a vacation or the trip of a lifetime will go a long way in helping you move forward. Set a goal - and then work towards accomplishing it. Write it down. Write down the steps it will take to get there. Make a time line.... hang it somewhere you can see it so you can stay focused on the big picture and keep your eye on the prize.
Seriously~ planning a vacation or the trip of a lifetime will go a long way in helping you move forward. Set a goal - and then work towards accomplishing it. Write it down. Write down the steps it will take to get there. Make a time line.... hang it somewhere you can see it so you can stay focused on the big picture and keep your eye on the prize.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
First of all, I really want to say kudos on getting out of there and doing something for yourself. I'm currently stuck in that processes and don't have the courage or means yet. That alone really shows how strong of a person you are. Secondly, I've dealt with a lot of grief in life, even outside of living with an alcoholic. Sadly, you are going to cry. You're going to have a ton of self doubt and wonder if you're making the right decision.
However, think of how much more you are walking in to. You can find new dog parks, and make your home YOU. It will be the wonderful home you've worked on, and a nice calm atmosphere without the burden of someone's behavior or health.
And you're not a horrible person. I actually envy you right now because I don't have that strength yet to take this step. I bet you're going to have a great home to come home to, and your ex can get the help he needs to move on and get his life straight.
The future is scary, but it couldn't hurt to try it out and explore this new opportunity you have!
Best of luck!
However, think of how much more you are walking in to. You can find new dog parks, and make your home YOU. It will be the wonderful home you've worked on, and a nice calm atmosphere without the burden of someone's behavior or health.
And you're not a horrible person. I actually envy you right now because I don't have that strength yet to take this step. I bet you're going to have a great home to come home to, and your ex can get the help he needs to move on and get his life straight.
The future is scary, but it couldn't hurt to try it out and explore this new opportunity you have!
Best of luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Having a better day today
I think all the crying I did yesterday lightened my emotional load I was carrying, i had a much better day today. I am back to knowing that I am doing the right thing.
Went back and read all my old threads just now as well, and man, what the heck was I thinking? I can't believe after everything he put me through with the stalking and phone calls, that I went back to him. I was so proud and strong during that time, and somehow he manipulated himself right back into my life, and now I'm where I am today. I still can't believe all of this has happened. Thank goodness I can go back and read those, to remind that yes, i gave him every opportunity to follow through on promises, and make the changes. I feel even better than i did an hour ago now that I read those old threads.
Another fault was not coming here anymore, I guess I figured I didn't need this place anymore, and fooled myself into believing that what I was doing was working. Also i think it was the embarrassment of getting back together with him after everything he did, like deep down I was ashamed of the decision. That is never a good sign, should have known.
But I guess I had to do what I had to do.
I promise not to leave SR again
Went back and read all my old threads just now as well, and man, what the heck was I thinking? I can't believe after everything he put me through with the stalking and phone calls, that I went back to him. I was so proud and strong during that time, and somehow he manipulated himself right back into my life, and now I'm where I am today. I still can't believe all of this has happened. Thank goodness I can go back and read those, to remind that yes, i gave him every opportunity to follow through on promises, and make the changes. I feel even better than i did an hour ago now that I read those old threads.
Another fault was not coming here anymore, I guess I figured I didn't need this place anymore, and fooled myself into believing that what I was doing was working. Also i think it was the embarrassment of getting back together with him after everything he did, like deep down I was ashamed of the decision. That is never a good sign, should have known.
But I guess I had to do what I had to do.
I promise not to leave SR again
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by kittykitty
Thanks to everyone for the suggestions.
Took my first load today, brought down clothes to get settled where I am staying, then going to head back up Friday for the final move.
I'm completely miserable right now, can't stop crying. Can't stop thinking that I am giving up on him, even though I know that I can't live like I was living any longer. But I still can't stop weeping for him, and the 'us' that used to be. I miss my apartment, i made it into such a nice home for us, I worked so hard on it. I miss the dogpark where I took my dog every day, and the way he would say her name when we would walk in the door.
I'm just so miserable here, how am I ever going to do this. I am so sick of making decisions and doubting myself later. Even when I go back and read my journals, and other entries, I know I am doing the right thing. Why does it hurt so much if it's the right thing.
All I can think about is how messed up I am, and how many issues I have ~ how would I feel if someone I loved had no faith in my ability to change or get better. If someone who I had come to depend on for support, friendship, and love just walked away because they said I wasn't trying hard enough. I feel like the most horrible person right now.
I am so sick of this merry go round. I am so sick of feeling confident one minute, and full of doubt the next minute. I am so sick of blaming all of my unhappiness and insecurities on him. Thats what I feel like I'm doing right now. I feel like i'm blaming him for everything, and taking no responsibility for any of this at all.
Help me, please
Took my first load today, brought down clothes to get settled where I am staying, then going to head back up Friday for the final move.
I'm completely miserable right now, can't stop crying. Can't stop thinking that I am giving up on him, even though I know that I can't live like I was living any longer. But I still can't stop weeping for him, and the 'us' that used to be. I miss my apartment, i made it into such a nice home for us, I worked so hard on it. I miss the dogpark where I took my dog every day, and the way he would say her name when we would walk in the door.
I'm just so miserable here, how am I ever going to do this. I am so sick of making decisions and doubting myself later. Even when I go back and read my journals, and other entries, I know I am doing the right thing. Why does it hurt so much if it's the right thing.
All I can think about is how messed up I am, and how many issues I have ~ how would I feel if someone I loved had no faith in my ability to change or get better. If someone who I had come to depend on for support, friendship, and love just walked away because they said I wasn't trying hard enough. I feel like the most horrible person right now.
I am so sick of this merry go round. I am so sick of feeling confident one minute, and full of doubt the next minute. I am so sick of blaming all of my unhappiness and insecurities on him. Thats what I feel like I'm doing right now. I feel like i'm blaming him for everything, and taking no responsibility for any of this at all.
Help me, please
Just put one foot in front of the other...
just keep swimming...just keep swimming...
Get on a bus, Gus!
one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Jackpot kitty kitty!!! You have stepped out of your denial. You'll get through this. There will be good days and bad... One day at a time, you'll conquer them. And before you know it, one day you'll wake up a month, maybe a year from now and you'll realize that ... You survived and now you're thriving!!! Give it time, and definitely keep coming back here. Lots of great healthy people here to support you!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by kittykitty
I think all the crying I did yesterday lightened my emotional load I was carrying, i had a much better day today. I am back to knowing that I am doing the right thing.
Letting out emotions helps so much.
Especially if you're stuck in a situation where you don't feel you have permission to experience feelings.
Especially especially if you're blaming yourself for getting in that position again.
It's not your fault.
They are extremely persuasive.
I guarantee you that it felt like a good idea at the time.
Now you know it's not.
Now you are stronger still.
You will get where you need to go.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Just want to say that you are brave and inspiring.
Try to hold onto the freedom feeling. As you move away, mentally, emotionally and physically, think of interacting with him as your addiction, and the more you dont, the more you wont.
Like a smoker who quits and chooses breath/air instead of tar.
Every breath, and everyday os more and more health breathed in.
Try to hold onto the freedom feeling. As you move away, mentally, emotionally and physically, think of interacting with him as your addiction, and the more you dont, the more you wont.
Like a smoker who quits and chooses breath/air instead of tar.
Every breath, and everyday os more and more health breathed in.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by kittykitty
I'm just so miserable here, how am I ever going to do this. I am so sick of making decisions and doubting myself later.
All I can think about is how messed up I am, and how many issues I have ~ how would I feel if someone I loved had no faith in my ability to change or get better. If someone who I had come to depend on for support, friendship, and love just walked away because they said I wasn't trying hard enough. I feel like the most horrible person right now.
I am so sick of this merry go round. I am so sick of feeling confident one minute, and full of doubt the next minute. I am so sick of blaming all of my unhappiness and insecurities on him. Thats what I feel like I'm doing right now. I feel like i'm blaming him for everything, and taking no responsibility for any of this at all.
Help me, please
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