Drank Again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Drank Again
Yeah, got wasted and I am gonna make sure that I use it to strengthen my recovery. Tomorrow I'm going to ring the mental health team as I definately have underlying mental health problems that I just couldn't beat on my own, despite doing my upmost. Before, I was adverse to medication and didn't consider it as an option but now if that is what's recomended then I will obviously consider it. At the end of the day I have achieved too much to lose it all. For me then I just decided that I wanted to get wrecked and made the conscious choice, the hot weather really set me off but all excuses aside then I didn't want to be talked out of it and so didn't ring anybody or post here. I just wanted some release and there is a lot of stuff socially that really just got to me being at University and mixing with lots of happy people.
I realise I should have sort help for my mental health stuff again but it's really difficult as A) it's very painful and I don't really want to rake it all back up again, B) Much of the time I think that I am overthinking about stuff too much, but clearly then it's something that I need help with. Like I say I'm gonna ring the mental health team tomorrow and try to get back to seeing a professional. C) also on paper I look so well and don't have a problem with confidence and ability within a structure.
Yeah, I realised how well I'd actually done in my recovery by how low low I've felt over the last few days. I had the chance to nail another 6 cans when I woke at midnight but I knew that I would just set myself up for more torture so I gave them to my Mom to pour out.
Yeah, you can imagine what this has done to my parents and there's obviously lots of crying over the last few days. Luckily nothing majorly terrible happened and nothing that cannot be resolved hopefully.
It may have done me good actually going back out as I realised how well I had done and how I didn't want to be back into that crappy life again. There is no self-respect or self-esteem and it's amzing how you bump into people too, but I only bumped into a couple of losers who emphasised to me how well I had done in my recovery and what I have to lose.
Anyway thought I'd post as I don't want to lose SR as an outlet for me, really drinking and drugging ain't all that man, you're still here when it wears off and you've just destroyed yourself and those who love you.
Anyway, please no tough love or harsh posts as I really can't be doing with it as I am fully aware of the situation and I 'm pretty sure this has made me aware of underlying stuff that wan't fully addressed and I have got to look at that. belive me nobody is harder on themselves me, that's most of my problem I'm sure. Beating myself up about nothing much I guess, but I do need to address stuff.
If it's any consolation it could be worse and at least I didn't lose my driving license or get arrested, I feel terrible enough with what has gone on so anymore then i couldn't have beared it.
Anyway, though I'd get this post out of the way. I ain't lost the time that I gained in recovery and to be honest I still feel the same as i did before but now I realise that I need to seek help from professionals again for stuff and it's just gotta be done. In relation to AA then I ain't decided about that yet and feel that my drinking is to mask mental health stuff, so please no book-thumping replies, if you're gonna do that then please dont reply.
Anyway, it is what it is...
I realise I should have sort help for my mental health stuff again but it's really difficult as A) it's very painful and I don't really want to rake it all back up again, B) Much of the time I think that I am overthinking about stuff too much, but clearly then it's something that I need help with. Like I say I'm gonna ring the mental health team tomorrow and try to get back to seeing a professional. C) also on paper I look so well and don't have a problem with confidence and ability within a structure.
Yeah, I realised how well I'd actually done in my recovery by how low low I've felt over the last few days. I had the chance to nail another 6 cans when I woke at midnight but I knew that I would just set myself up for more torture so I gave them to my Mom to pour out.
Yeah, you can imagine what this has done to my parents and there's obviously lots of crying over the last few days. Luckily nothing majorly terrible happened and nothing that cannot be resolved hopefully.
It may have done me good actually going back out as I realised how well I had done and how I didn't want to be back into that crappy life again. There is no self-respect or self-esteem and it's amzing how you bump into people too, but I only bumped into a couple of losers who emphasised to me how well I had done in my recovery and what I have to lose.
Anyway thought I'd post as I don't want to lose SR as an outlet for me, really drinking and drugging ain't all that man, you're still here when it wears off and you've just destroyed yourself and those who love you.
Anyway, please no tough love or harsh posts as I really can't be doing with it as I am fully aware of the situation and I 'm pretty sure this has made me aware of underlying stuff that wan't fully addressed and I have got to look at that. belive me nobody is harder on themselves me, that's most of my problem I'm sure. Beating myself up about nothing much I guess, but I do need to address stuff.
If it's any consolation it could be worse and at least I didn't lose my driving license or get arrested, I feel terrible enough with what has gone on so anymore then i couldn't have beared it.
Anyway, though I'd get this post out of the way. I ain't lost the time that I gained in recovery and to be honest I still feel the same as i did before but now I realise that I need to seek help from professionals again for stuff and it's just gotta be done. In relation to AA then I ain't decided about that yet and feel that my drinking is to mask mental health stuff, so please no book-thumping replies, if you're gonna do that then please dont reply.
Anyway, it is what it is...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Glad you are back Neo. No harsh posts from me..sounds like you have a plan to get back on track. I get more worried about the people that think "Well I already blew it..may as well go out BIG" and they keep drinking. The ones that don't make it back are the ones that I worry about. I wish you well and know you will give it your all!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sorry you feel so crappy Neo, you are back on track. use the drinking experience to learn is beneficial and no you did not lose all the time you worked so hard on your recovery previously....you will get back on track and realize what else you need to do for your emotional and mental health
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
Big hugs, Neo! I think it's pretty profound you are here the next try figuring it out. Now I'm going to get all evangelist on you. Have you tried AA at all? I am liking it because it forces me to stay in the solution rather than the problem. I am finding it much more grounding than my therapy appointments. Of course see a professional and get their opinion. But I just wanted to throw that out there. Relapse is a part of our disease. Good to see you learning from this and getting back in the saddle. big giant hugs to you. You can do this. I know you can.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Neo, I'm sorry that you feel so bad.
I'm glad that you are planning to get some help for your mental health because that may be just what you need.
Learn from the experience and move forward.
I'm glad that you are planning to get some help for your mental health because that may be just what you need.
Learn from the experience and move forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Welcome back.
I'll give you my honest opinion on this if you don't mind. The truth is we're alcoholics and left "unguarded' we all are at risk to drink. I think the only option we all have on a daily basis it to jump head first into recovery. I wouldn't spend much time reflection or trying to "fix it". Those are all forms of my old behavior - and my old behavior lead me to drinking every time. Instead, just get right back into recovery man!
Just one day at a time. I know it's said over and over again but it's just flat out true. All any of us have is today. What are we going to do with today? What are we going to do to support the decision that we've made to get and stay sober? I would ask yourself those questions and focus less on "what you've learned"...
Hope this makes sense. I wish you nothing but the best man...
I'll give you my honest opinion on this if you don't mind. The truth is we're alcoholics and left "unguarded' we all are at risk to drink. I think the only option we all have on a daily basis it to jump head first into recovery. I wouldn't spend much time reflection or trying to "fix it". Those are all forms of my old behavior - and my old behavior lead me to drinking every time. Instead, just get right back into recovery man!
Just one day at a time. I know it's said over and over again but it's just flat out true. All any of us have is today. What are we going to do with today? What are we going to do to support the decision that we've made to get and stay sober? I would ask yourself those questions and focus less on "what you've learned"...
Hope this makes sense. I wish you nothing but the best man...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Good luck with the mental health stuff man, hope you get some headway:-)
You have a real opportunity here man!
You now know that what you were doing in your recovery wasn't enough, you have been going to AA which you have said helped and you have said you have used it as a support group and not done the steps...you could walk straight back in and get a sponsor and do the work and recover from alcoholism like a load of us have...
You sound like an intelligent guy so you must also know that if you don't radically change your recovery eventually you will do the same again...
I don't know if you have seen the NA Big Book but in there it has a good piece on relapse where it says that some of our members have used the experience to strengthen their recovery and to begin work on the solution...
Sometimes it takes a big kick in the groin for us to accept that we need to do something different and take action...
At least you got wasted and didn't come back with one of those i had a beer and a half stories;-)
Into action mate!
You have a real opportunity here man!
You now know that what you were doing in your recovery wasn't enough, you have been going to AA which you have said helped and you have said you have used it as a support group and not done the steps...you could walk straight back in and get a sponsor and do the work and recover from alcoholism like a load of us have...
You sound like an intelligent guy so you must also know that if you don't radically change your recovery eventually you will do the same again...
I don't know if you have seen the NA Big Book but in there it has a good piece on relapse where it says that some of our members have used the experience to strengthen their recovery and to begin work on the solution...
Sometimes it takes a big kick in the groin for us to accept that we need to do something different and take action...
At least you got wasted and didn't come back with one of those i had a beer and a half stories;-)
Into action mate!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 129
Sorry to hear you slipped Neo, but glad you're back here. You sound like you've got a great attitude and are back on track, and even maybe a bit stronger as a result of what you've experienced. Sending you big hugs, I've no doubt that you can do this 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Chantilly, VA
Posts: 216
Hang in there Neo!!! You are a winner! I have _Always_ read your postings with great interest! You've been there and back and have walked the hard road, I have No doubt you will be back on your feet in no time!
Take care,
..Mike
Take care,
..Mike
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Neo, you know my deal and I got nothing but love for ya and coming here and sharing with a plan is right on. Put it into action my friend and move forward.
I'm darn glad to see you that you got right back here and focusing on your recovery. I know for me that in the past I would have been out there for months and continued years before doing something so this is the positive that you are up and at it sober and getting it together.
Routing for ya Neo!! You are a wonderful piece of the SR community and I know you will get this. I am here for ya! Huggs.
I'm darn glad to see you that you got right back here and focusing on your recovery. I know for me that in the past I would have been out there for months and continued years before doing something so this is the positive that you are up and at it sober and getting it together.
Routing for ya Neo!! You are a wonderful piece of the SR community and I know you will get this. I am here for ya! Huggs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Glad your back with a plan Neo. That's what its about anyway isn't it? Having some sort of plan in place to move forward with life. IMO life is about lessons we need to learn. You just learned one and are taking the right steps. Good for you! I hope you find some answers with your Doctor.
Best Wishes to You! :ghug3
Best Wishes to You! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
Usually when someone goes back out there are a bunch of replies of the "did you learn anything?" and "what are you going to do different this time?" variety. It sounds like you've got those two things figured out. Good luck to you.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Hey, friend. I don't think anyone can beat you up worse than the beating you're giving yourself. And those hurt the most, too....right?
A word about meds, if I may. I 'get' why people don't want to take meds...I do. But, I have seen over and over again people who deeply need meds. If they are fortunate enough to get the proper meds with the right dosage (and this can take time!) with a good counselor they can be the difference between life and death. You can think! You can breathe! You can grow!
Do I advocate meds? Absolutely not. I do think they should be a last resort. BUT, when used as intended, Neo, they can save a life.
I really do think of you as a son. I'm proud of you. I'm so proud you came back to SR. This is a learning experience that you will be able to share with others, to help their recovery.
Thanks for sharing, Neo.
A word about meds, if I may. I 'get' why people don't want to take meds...I do. But, I have seen over and over again people who deeply need meds. If they are fortunate enough to get the proper meds with the right dosage (and this can take time!) with a good counselor they can be the difference between life and death. You can think! You can breathe! You can grow!
Do I advocate meds? Absolutely not. I do think they should be a last resort. BUT, when used as intended, Neo, they can save a life.
I really do think of you as a son. I'm proud of you. I'm so proud you came back to SR. This is a learning experience that you will be able to share with others, to help their recovery.
Thanks for sharing, Neo.
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