jalapenolover

Been awhile since I posted as I had stronger boundaries and felt much better just not having to speak/text my AS. Today we received a call from AS neighbor. Evidently he tried heroin last night (not sure it was first time, but he said so). Claimed to have slipped in shower and couldn't walk. Mr. Jalapeno took him to Dr. and he has cracked his hip, bruises on ankle and burn marks on his back, etc. They are both now at the county hospital, I cannot stop crying. They tested him positive for every dang drug in the book. I really have nothing profound to add... just so upset! Then AS says he wants to get clean, I have heard it before. We have spent so much dang $$ on him and his medical this year. (Hence, thats why they are @ county hospital).

keepinon

No you are not alone.If your son wants help, he knows where to go. You do not have to go broke ..it is ok to tell him to go to Salvation Army or NA for help..there's even a t shirt that says..it took me 15,00O dollars to find AA..my daughters 30 grand a mo. rehab took them 4 nights a week to the local 12 step mtgd.People get sober all the time for free...I know you have a little guy still at home and I'm sure he may want to go to college or something...I have felt the financial CRUSH of trying to treat this disease..none of it mattered until my daughter really was willing to work at being sober..they can WANT it, but until they are WILLING..it won't happen. I hope you get some sleep and can have some serentiy..

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry. I know how I felt like I was slugged in the stomach when I found out my AS was using heroin. Meth was bad enough......it's like there is a progression of bad to worse and for me, heroin always seemed like the worst thing he could do to himself.

You aren't alone. But I understand how it feels like you are.

If I could, I'd give you a gentle hug in person.

jalapenolover

Thanks! It is now 12:31 AM, Mr. Jalapeno STILL not home. I haven't seen since I left for work @ 8:30. Evidently there is no break but the hospital is letting my AS sleep it off so he can get up and walk. Meanwhile Mr. Jalapeno waits.. So I have a question, should we NOT have run off to take him to Dr. then hospital? Is that what you were implying by saying - AS knows where to get help? I am still so new to this that I still need some hand holding. Yes... we do have a little one still, thank goodness he is spending the night out and has no clue what is going on.

tjp613

I know this is easy for me to SAY (and almost impossible to DO) but I think your husband has done his part. He got him to the hospital, he's being cared for, and now it's time to step back and say, "good luck". There are social workers at the hospital who can advise him about treatment if he wants it.

((((Hugs)))))

Kindeyes

jalepenolover
We can't really tell you what you should or shouldn't do because we don't have to live with it.

I think what was meant by "he knows where to get help" is that if he chooses to get clean and sober, there are places he can go. I don't think that anyone meant that you should have left him where he was and not given aid in a medical emergency situation.

It is so very hard to be the parent of an addicted child. Every fiber of our being tells us that we are suppose to protect and love them. Addiction is a cruel disease.

Personally, I have been a pretty slow learner in this process and I still struggle with it. My son is homeless. Living in his car or once again couch surfing. I try very hard not to envision whatever he is dealing with....my mind and heart can't handle it. I pray a lot. I have placed him in God's hands and I feel that God is better equipped to deal with my son's addiction than I am. I know that I have done all that I can.

I'll pray that your son gets better and that this incident will be an eye opener for him.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

When most people have an accident they call 911, if they are unable to fend for themselves.

Many people, including some addicts, have a knack for engaging other people into taking care of them.

We codependents love to rescue other people. It makes us feel useful and needed.

jalapenolover

I agree outtolunch! I was so mad when I got the heroin text that I told Mr. Jalapeno to just leave his a** there and make him figure it out. Nope - he was the good dad! At any rate, I still have no idea what transpired over the night as hubs didn't get home till 4AM. I am anxious to hear what happened and if perhaps AS might have found a bottom to all of his madness.

coffeedrinker

jalepeno,

it's difficult to determine how "hands off" to be -- for some, completely cutting off from the addict is the only way to begin to experience some sanity. for many, it is somewhere in the middle of each extreme on the involvement spectrum.

have a talk with mr. jalepeno. you guys need each other, and need a united front.
create some boundaries, together, and stick to them.

for instance, you might drive your son to the emergency room, but then leave him there, or stay and wait and drop him off at a friend's house. nothing you do will cause him to get high, so no guilt about leaving him at a "bad" friend's house and the like.

jalapenolover

Thank you coffeedrinker. I completely disagreed with mr. Jalapeno staying at the county hospital. Our youngest was out for the night and it was supposed to be "OUR TIME". Our date night! So not only am I pissed about that but of course all the drama too. Problem with mr. Jalapeno is he has chosen to not expose himself with this entire situation. By that I mean:

* he won't read these boards
* hasn't been to Alanon (I started 1.5 months ago)
* he wants me to tell him what I am learning in the process

Sadly.. it is working for me and I am slowly noticing a change in myself and my attitude but he refuses to engage his feelings. I know men are tight - lipped and many are 'men of few words' but I just think had he been reading, Alanon, etc. He might have reacted differently. When I sent the text to 'leave his a**' there. He never responded, so that means he disagreed.

Will have to have a 'COME TO JESUS MEETING' when he wakes up.

keepinon

I was referring to sobriety when I said he knows where to go for help..but obviously if you were out of town, he is an adult and could have called 911 to get to the hospital.I hear your frustration at not being on the same page as your husband..it makes the situation even harder.
I DO tend towards the hard core school of thought..that feeling the consequences is what brings pain, which in turn brings a desire for change. I let my heroin addicted daughter NOT be rescued from uncomfortable circumstances that she caused through her addiction..I have no regrets.But it is up to each person how much they are WILLING to give the disease..I didn't want to feed it a crumb.BUT I did it in as loving a way as I could and always let her know that when/if she truly was done and wanted to help we would fully support her.Keep going to alanon..it really does work.
btw..going to visit my daughter right now...6 months clean today..miracles happen!

jalapenolover

Yay, for your miracle! I'm hoping for mine. Now that Mr. Jalapeno is awake it appears that my AS is being hospitalized for kidney problems associated with muscle atrophy, as well as his burns etc. I am NOT going to hospital to see him, I think he needs 'alone' time to think. Today - I will watch my amazing 12 year old practice for his upcoming swim season and go to a friends house for bbq. Without the support of you all and alanon I would probably be @ the hospital consoling him. NOT TODAY!!

keepinon

It is very healthy to focus in the people in our life who are not in their disease..I am so glad you decided to enjoy this day with your other son..I am guilty of focusing on one child at a time..whoever is in crisis at the moment..it was very unhealthy for all of us.

jalapenolover

UPDATE: My AS is still in hospital and will be until atleast Friday. Appears that his creatine CK levels were sky high/off the charts which could cause kidney failure. I sure hope this will be a lesson to him and maybe JUST maybe he will get clean.

keepinon

Thanks for the update..how are YOU doing?

jalapenolover

I guess I am okay, my mom is not speaking to me because I refuse to go see him. She doesn't understand detachment. Pisses me off! On a lighter note: I made a reservation for Mr. Jalapeno and I to take a trip, I need a change of scenery.

keepinon

Sounds like a plan!

jalapenolover

I just got back from the hospital, finally went to see AS. Doc came in while there and said he should not be alive today. I am hoping this is his wake up call. AS told me that he wants to go to NA next week to tell his story and hopefully help others. WOW! I know actions will speak louder than words but I feel this is a step, hopefully just not a slight moment of clarity while he is sober in hospital.