I know I'm wrong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Granite City, Illinois
Posts: 14
I know I'm wrong!
I go into the room for alcoholics (I'm sure I shouldn't) and get so angry reading some of the posts. I just don't understand how they don't realize what they are doing to their loved ones. Damn I hate this disease. 
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Don't feel bad, I'm an alcoholic and I get angry reading a lot of the posts. It is frustrating to read the struggles they go through. And many of them do realize the pain and grief they are causing their loved ones. How sad is that? That's the disease. That's why I hate alcohol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Granite City, Illinois
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Don't feel bad, I'm an alcoholic and I get angry reading a lot of the posts. It is frustrating to read the struggles they go through. And many of them do realize the pain and grief they are causing their loved ones. How sad is that? That's the disease. That's why I hate alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
In my experience, alot of them do realize it, it's the shame of the realization that sends them back into the bottle. No other way to handle reality.
Also a little thing called denial. I'm in the process of dealing with that now, leaving my ABF after many attempts to help him see what he has been doing to himself and me with his drinking and bad decisions. I have officially given up, and decided to get out while I still can. No matter what I say, or do (my life becoming unmanageable, haha) he will never see it until he is ready. There is nothing I can do to expedite the process other than getting out of the way. All I can do is decide to remove myself from it and let it happen the way God has intended it to.
I like to go to open AA meetings once in a while, but I've never spent any time on the A pages of this forum. I'm too enthralled in what we've got going on here!
Also a little thing called denial. I'm in the process of dealing with that now, leaving my ABF after many attempts to help him see what he has been doing to himself and me with his drinking and bad decisions. I have officially given up, and decided to get out while I still can. No matter what I say, or do (my life becoming unmanageable, haha) he will never see it until he is ready. There is nothing I can do to expedite the process other than getting out of the way. All I can do is decide to remove myself from it and let it happen the way God has intended it to.
I like to go to open AA meetings once in a while, but I've never spent any time on the A pages of this forum. I'm too enthralled in what we've got going on here!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I think some are more self aware than others. Alcohol numbs. I think I get what you are saying though.
True recognition at the havoc caused others probably takes years, and just as long to fix (if they can)... much much more than an amends. That is only the starting point. But even there it sometimes comes across as benefitting the person doing the amends more than the other person (just a view from an outsider).
Plus if they have other issues to deal with like depression or whatever then their ability to even work on mending relationships is difficult.
True recognition at the havoc caused others probably takes years, and just as long to fix (if they can)... much much more than an amends. That is only the starting point. But even there it sometimes comes across as benefitting the person doing the amends more than the other person (just a view from an outsider).
Plus if they have other issues to deal with like depression or whatever then their ability to even work on mending relationships is difficult.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I, too, used to spend some time reading on "the other side" of the forum. The thing that always struck me most is how they (especially after finding recovery) focus on themselves much more than others. And how we, on this forum, spend so much time focusing on "them." In that sense, I think they have a much better idea of what recovery is all about. We could learn from that.
It brings to mind something my friend Minnie once said (look up some of the older posts from her to see some great recovery):
"They're not doing it TO you, they're just doing it."
L
It brings to mind something my friend Minnie once said (look up some of the older posts from her to see some great recovery):
"They're not doing it TO you, they're just doing it."
L
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think, in some ways, it's easier for the alcoholic to recover than it is for the partner. I say that as someone who has been in two alcoholic marriages and is now in recovery for my own alcoholism.
When you're the alcoholic in recovery you at least know (sorta) what is going on in your own head. You know that's where your own disease lies, and what you have to work on.
When you're the partner, there's a tendency to think that your own recovery depends on what the alcoholic is doing. IOW, you see the disease between their ears, but not the disease between your own.
Even though alcoholics have to mend their relationships with other people, if all they did was focus on their partner's happiness they wouldn't be well and healthy. Alcoholism affects other people, often in horrible ways, but until the alcoholic gets his/her own thinking straight in ALL respects, they can't behave like good, healthy people. Basically, they're useless to anyone.
Believe me, any alcoholic in early recovery has plenty of self-loathing to go around. The Steps are designed to clean up all the garbage that has accumulated from years of self-destruction and harm that has been done to themselves and others. It takes time to do that. And a lot of the work is internal. So even though it looks like all they care about is themselves when you read their posts, what they are TRYING to do is to become whole and healthy people who can have healthy relationships with their partners and with everyone else.
And, assuming they do the work and become that way, if all we are doing as partners is focusing on our own resentments from the past, the relationship is gonna bomb anyway because we don't know how to be healthy, whole people ourselves.
When you're the alcoholic in recovery you at least know (sorta) what is going on in your own head. You know that's where your own disease lies, and what you have to work on.
When you're the partner, there's a tendency to think that your own recovery depends on what the alcoholic is doing. IOW, you see the disease between their ears, but not the disease between your own.
Even though alcoholics have to mend their relationships with other people, if all they did was focus on their partner's happiness they wouldn't be well and healthy. Alcoholism affects other people, often in horrible ways, but until the alcoholic gets his/her own thinking straight in ALL respects, they can't behave like good, healthy people. Basically, they're useless to anyone.
Believe me, any alcoholic in early recovery has plenty of self-loathing to go around. The Steps are designed to clean up all the garbage that has accumulated from years of self-destruction and harm that has been done to themselves and others. It takes time to do that. And a lot of the work is internal. So even though it looks like all they care about is themselves when you read their posts, what they are TRYING to do is to become whole and healthy people who can have healthy relationships with their partners and with everyone else.
And, assuming they do the work and become that way, if all we are doing as partners is focusing on our own resentments from the past, the relationship is gonna bomb anyway because we don't know how to be healthy, whole people ourselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Lexical...
That's exactly what I needed today. I know my AH's best chance for getting it is only going to happen when I get the heck out of the way and make room for his HP. I truly believe my AH wants to make this relationship work... He's just so damn sick, he has no clue how to even start.
And that's just the drinking crap... I'm not even going to get into the whole abuse issue.
That's exactly what I needed today. I know my AH's best chance for getting it is only going to happen when I get the heck out of the way and make room for his HP. I truly believe my AH wants to make this relationship work... He's just so damn sick, he has no clue how to even start.
And that's just the drinking crap... I'm not even going to get into the whole abuse issue.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yes I got angry also. And angry here too. But reading what goes on in their mind helped me see the reality of the alcoholic I knew. It set me free, it was not me. And yes active addiction is selfish, everything revolves around the addict... but in AA meetings I have met acoholics that have years of recovery, they are very compassionate and wise and self aware... as long as we are all striving to start being constructive instead of being stuck in self destruction (and hurting others in our dark trip to nowhere) we all have a common goal. Perhaps when you heal a little bit more, you won't be as angry... I recommend to read "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty, and the sticky section 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
My Two Cents on this is...
...that there's nothing wrong with it. It's no different than going to an Open AA Meeting. However, I would never post there unless I was a double-winner (Alanon and AA Member).
So, for me, I occasionally lurk on the other boards but I only post here and on the newcomers board once in a blue moon (if the issues are Alanon related).
Cyranoak
P.s. I'm fine with alcoholics lurking here, but it pisses me off when alcoholics who aren't also Alanon members post here, especially because they are usually looking for validation, forgiveness (as if we can actually give that), or insight into how to better manipulate their codependent enablers. Once in a blue moon I see something appropriate, but usually it's just manipulative. I never post on their strings because all I would say is some form of **** off. One time, some woman actually invited her using alcoholic husband onto the board and, as much of a violation as it was, it was f-ing amusing. I've never seen a higher level of mutual cluelessness. They were perfect for each other. Good God.
So, for me, I occasionally lurk on the other boards but I only post here and on the newcomers board once in a blue moon (if the issues are Alanon related).
Cyranoak
P.s. I'm fine with alcoholics lurking here, but it pisses me off when alcoholics who aren't also Alanon members post here, especially because they are usually looking for validation, forgiveness (as if we can actually give that), or insight into how to better manipulate their codependent enablers. Once in a blue moon I see something appropriate, but usually it's just manipulative. I never post on their strings because all I would say is some form of **** off. One time, some woman actually invited her using alcoholic husband onto the board and, as much of a violation as it was, it was f-ing amusing. I've never seen a higher level of mutual cluelessness. They were perfect for each other. Good God.
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