drinkingwater

Hi everyone,
I am new to the forums but have been reading through the posts and have found quite a few nuggets that are helpful and comforting. It's nice to know that I am not alone. I am the girlfriend of an addict and we live together. He's doing outpatient rehab but just had his third relapse. I have stuck by him thus far and done everything he's asked and everything I'm supposed to do with regard to recovery for him and for me.

However, I am at the point where I am almost ready to let him go. All of the lies and disrespect have affected me in a variety of ways and this is his absolute last chance with me. I am planning to tell him that I am giving him the month of April to show that he is as committed as he says he is to his recovery. If he doesn't then I am asking him to move out of our home.

This is where I need some help. I am planning to present him with some boundaries. I'd like to post them here and get your feedback as to whether they are reasonable. I would really appreciate any feedback you have. The only boundary I have really set thus far has been "If you give up on your recovery then I am ending the relationship." I will stick to that if it comes down to it, but I do not believe that he has given up yet.

The boundaries I've written are:

- I will not tolerate lies. If I catch one more lie, this relationship is over.

- I will not live with an active addict. If you choose to live with me, then you will fully embrace your rehab program and every element of it. This includes completing all requirements of your program such as (but not limited to) attending every session, attending at least 3 NA or AA meetings each week, and anything else you are supposed to do. This also includes cutting off contact with any and all friends that you used with. If this program is not followed 100% through the month of April, you will be asked to move out. If you do follow through 100% through April, you will be given another 30 days and the relationship will be re-evaluated.

- I will not allow marijuana, other drugs, or drug paraphernalia in our home. If I find any, I will call the police.

- I will take better care of myself by participating in activities such as going to the gym, yoga, walking at the park, and other things. You are welcome to join me anytime if you would like to.

- If you decide that these boundaries are unreasonable at any time, you are free to leave our home. It is your choice whether you are comfortable with these items. Please know that these are things I need to have in order to feel safe in this relationship.


What do you think? Is this too much?

Thank you so much,

Lindsey

drinkingwater

Hmm, good point. Thank you so much. I guess I still have a little bit of that control freak in me.

outtolunch

A boundary defines our own values and does not attempt to impose those values on other people.

A boundary is an "I" will/will not" statement.

A "you will/will not" is an attempt to control someone else.

iliveforyou

I absolutely agree with outtolunch and cynical one here. The rest of them are good, reasonable boundaries! Just focus on the "I"

hello-kitty

How about this as a replacement:

I will not live with an active addict. If I suspect drug use, I will ask you to leave immediately. If you do not leave, I will change the locks and call the police to come get your stuff.

Also, I like this one - because my ex thought it was cute to disappear when he was using and then show up again and blame me for his behavior (He would say I was being a controlling b*itch and so he went to stay with friends. He didn't use.):

I will not allow myself to be disrespected or manipulated. If someone disrespects or attempts to manipulate me, I will cut off contract.

I will not tolerate broken promises, If someone breaks a promise to me, I will cut off contact with them.

And also:

I reserve my right to enforce and/or change my boundaries at any time.

Rooberri

I'm a recovering co-dependent.....after reading your post I just applied it to my situation and here is what I came up with:

Things that I have to tell myself EVERY DAY:

- My AD has to want recovery
- My AD has to want to be respectful
- My AD has to want to be honest
- My AD has to want to not manipulate
- My AD has to want to remain sober

After my AD went into recovery I was making a list a mile long of things like:

If you don't - I will not pay for college

When it comes down to it ~ you just can't make them want it.

So back to the drawing board for me - and I started with detachment.
After detachment I started setting boundries and they looked a lot differenet from the first "mile long" list I made. I really had to stay focused on the fact that the boundries are for "me" not my AD.

As a codependent its very hard not to take into consideration "others feelings/actions first".

It's hard work for sure.

Roo

drinkingwater

Roo, thank you for this. It's a great idea. I think I'm going to print it out and stick it on my bathroom mirror. You're right, we need to remind ourselves every day that it's not up to us.

drinkingwater

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I am very grateful. I actually feel kind of empowered, having written this list of boundaries. It will be awful if I actually have to follow through with any of them, but it's up to him.