Bjorndottir

Hi there,

Came across the site only yesterday and have spent a lot of time here already. Very, very useful for me.

Having been an avid alcohol user since the age of 17 (26 years ago) my problem has now lapsed into chromic alcoholism, and the past 3 years have been a nightmare. The only person who knows about this is my wife, and she has basically been waiting for me to do something about it.

The time has come and I am going to stay sober.

The days are fine (I own and run my own business, quite large, quite successful), so staying focused during the day is really not a problem (I manage to exercise most lunchtimes as well).

The nightmare is the evenings (every evening), and especially the weekends.

Virtually all my friends, both here (I live in Russia) and in UK and other countries (I travel a lot) are drinkers, some light, many heavy, although none of them would seem to have the same chronic addiction that as I do. And they will be calling soon to see where (i.e. in what bar) and when we will be meeting (usually Thursdays and Fridays, always Saturdays, sometimes Sundays.)

My temptation is to email pretty much everyone I know to tell them of my decision, explain why I will not be available any more for our drinking marathons, and ask them for their friendship and support as I battle this illness.

I imagine many will not be that surprised and that most will be pleased and supportive. However it is a big step, as once that cat is out of the bag as it were, well, you can't put it back in.

I just wanted to ask some advice before going ahead with this, and wondered how anyone else prepared for this pretty life-changing step? My friends are mostly pretty intelligent and educated, and probably understand that alcoholism is a sickness and not just people lacking courage and willpower, but...

Anyway, I would really appreciate any input from people who took that first big step and tole family and friends (or those that did not, of course) about their problem.

By the way, I do have the details of all AA meetings in this city (times, dates, locations etc), and am not ruling out AA by any means - I just wanted to start the ball rolling...

All advice much appreciated...

Mark75

My friends know I quit drinking, only one or two know why. I don't volunteer the information, but if they ask and they persist ... I tell them alcohol was becoming a problem.

End of discussion, at least on my side.

So if they want to go to a bar, let them... you might want to stay away for a while... you can pass, tell them it doesn't help to be around that when you are quitting...

I wouldn't turn it into a newsflash.

March7

I asked my temporary sponsor this question last night and she said to (for now) to stay away from situations where alcohol is present, and to tell my closest friends that I don't want to drink anymore- if they persist with questions, just tell them I've made a decision and not to go into too many details if it makes me uncomfortable.

Taking5

I like March's answer. I told some friends, but not all, that I had quit drinking. I found out that most of my "drinking buddies" were not real buddies if I wasn't going to drink with them. I also discovered I had to change my playground and playmates (bars/drinking buddies) to attain long term sobriety.

Jemma

Try some meetings during the nightmare times and see if they work for you.

Be careful about telling people... just say not this time, that you are on medication that reacts to alcohol or simply that you have chosen to give it up.
Over time you will find out who should or needs to know.
Like you said..."Once the cat is out of the bag...."

Wishing you all the best

LaFemme

Welcome Bjorndottir! Are you Icelandic ...just curious

I think its fantastic you want to bite the bullet and tell all your friends and that you think they will be supportive. I've only told people as it comes up...for instance a friend was in town last week and we went to dinner and they were going to get a bottle and I told them I don't drink anymore ...in all these situations none of my friends have asked for much information on why I quit drinking. This might be in part because I stopped drinking socially a number of years ago and concentrated my efforts on drinking at home...lol

Do what feels right in your heart and welcome to SR

P.s. - I agree it might be wise to avoid drinking situations initially.

Auggie

I told most of my friends as it came up. On the phone someone would ask if I were going to a bar/party. I would tell that person that no, I've recently quit drinking and it's too soon to be around it yet. In other cases people asked how I was doing or what was new with me and I would tell them I quit drinking. None of my drinking buddies questioned my decision and all offered their support. One even questioned me extensively on how to quit. That was my experience.

jamdls

Hi Bjorn, welcome to SR. I had become a hermit the last 3-5 yrs that I drank so other than my immediate family there really was no one to tell. As the question has come up in the last few yrs I mostly just say I don't drink and if further questioned I say it got to be a problem both physically and mentally so I choose to not drink.

bigred95

I struggle with this too Bjorn and different people give different advice. Right now, I have been using a dont speak about unless spoken to or its brought up. So far that has worked fairly well. Most people either do not think it is a big deal or they can understand what you are through.

reggiewayne

Welcome. I think if you are ready to take this step it will serve you well. You'll be admitting you have a problem to your current support group. I'm sure that's not your primary intention but it will be a very good indirect result. I've done this myself.

When I quit I told my family, wife, friends, etc... I didn't go out of the way to tell my friends but when an event came up that would involve drinking, I would. My story is I didn't stay quit. I have struggled for a few years, but the entire time I was drinking the people around me knew that at one point I had admitted I had a problem. They never said anything to me while drinking, but I knew that they knew....

I now have 110 days sober and things are going great. I wish you the best and I think what you're going to do is a great idea. I wish you the best at AA. It has saved my life!

Reset

When I quit I didn't tell anyone unless I had to. Two main incidents come to mind though:

- A good, old friend was getting married and many of my friends would be there. I had to call him and explain that if I attended, I'd probably relapse. His reaction was way better than I expected, he told me I was making a courageous decision and to not feel bad.

- I had some other complications related to quitting and my most important supplier (I too run a business) was wondering why I had been less communicative. Good thing we're also on very good terms on a personal level. At first I told her there were some personal problems that I'd explain later and then when we had a chance to meet I told her the whole story, without holding back many details. She was very nice about it and in the end said, "I had no idea, that's surprising. We're glad you're back though."

I don't know if the blanket email approach would be what I'd take. You never know how it could affect some people. Might make them uncomfortable. I'd probably take it on a case by case basis and let the news out with different levels of detail based on who you're telling.

That's just me though and I didn't have to deal with the cultural issue of drinking in Russia, which I have read can complicate things.

dingding

Sounds like me 3 months a go.
I sent an e-mail to 2 friends and said i was fed up with what happened to me when drinking and was going to not drink for a while. I went out to a big sporting occassion and didnt drink. That worked well for me. I couldnt have stayed away from every drinking situation for months. Its now 3 months later and i tell people i enjoy not drinking and it is the end of disscusssion.
Good luck.

itsthesecret

I told everyone straight away that i was trying to sort myself out. When I went on a day programme, I started to stay away from everyone who I had been drinking with.
All my real friend respected that I had stopped drinking, the rest were better off out of my life.
For me it is better to get it all out in the open and get on with the job at hand (sobriety).

Supercrew

I am not sure whether I would go with the mass email route. I am also a person who has many business/community friends that I used to drink with. I realized that some of those relationships would be affected if they thought I had a problem.

I have let everyone know I no longer drink, and I still am friends with all of those people, but I made it a positive change in my life instead of making it look like I was having problems.

People tend to want to stay away from people with problems, whereas they like to be around people who have found solutions.

I would never outwardly tell anyone that I turned into a raging alcoholic, and I can no longer drink because it will probably ruin my life and kill me.

Instead I will say that I no longer choose to drink because it was hurting my health so I have decided to enjoy life without the use of alcohol any more.

If anyone inquires further I will explain in greater detail if I feel comfortable. When I was in the first weeks of sobriety this seemed like such a major step to let people know that I don't drink anymore, I was truly worried. But when I approached it from a positive perspective it became very easy, and also a great conversation starter which normally led to talking about self improvement rather than what a terrible alcoholic I was. Come to find out that many people who I regularly drank with had also contemplated this option as well. So i have sort of become an expert among my peers in regards to giving up alcohol and improving quality of life.

Reset

Supercrew's post reminded me of something.

When I tell business associates about the change, I tell them that I had been drinking for 24 years and wanted to see what life was like without it, with the hopes that it would give me more energy, a clearer head, and make me better at my job. And that is absolutely 100% true. I just don't mention the blackouts multiple times a week.

yoli

Welcome Bjorn! This is a great place to be to talk to people who understand and care.

This is quite interesting because I was just about to start a new thread called: "What do you say"?

I think each person should disclose as much as they feel comfortable. I commend the posters on their frankness and courage.

At this point, I don't feel comfortable telling anyone except my husband and older children. I'm just not ready. I have a feeling I will never be.

I decided that outside of those 3 (for now), I am just telling people I want to life healthier: less red meat, more fruits and vegetables, more fiber, no sodas and no alcohol. I am on a purification process. This is also actually true.

Best wishes

LexieCat

For me, it's pretty much on a "need to know" basis, and most people in my life don't REALLY NEED to know the details.

I don't like the idea of fake "excuses" for not drinking. I just tell people I gave it up because it's really not good for me. True enough. Very few people express curiosity beyond that.

LaFemme

I love what Supercrew And Reset said...frame it in a positive way instead. This actually happened to me on Friday and we ended up talking about self improvement most of the night!

Bjorndottir

Dear All,

Many, many thanks, sincerely. Lots of replies, many different, all of them sensible, balanced and rational. Incredibly helpful.

One problem I have is that I am pretty impulsive, and I think that a blanket email to all and sundry would fall into that category. Also, as I live overseas I only see the vast mast majority of my oldest friends once every year - 2 years anyway, so it hardly makes any sense, unless to approach it on a case by case basis.

Regarding my constant, local drinking "companions", I think the approach will be just to keep politely saying that I am not available this weekend, then the next weekend, then the next weekend....until they stop asking.....

I also think the approach of "Drinking just makes me feel bad, and who wants to feel bad? " is incredibly sensible. There is probably not one single person alive who, at least on one occasion in their life, did not feel incredibly bad after drinking alcohol, so it is hardly big news that alcohol can make people feel sick.

I also plan to keep well away from bars and pubs for the foreseeable future.

Fourth day, by the way...aiming for 28, then 90, then the rest of my life...

Thanks again.

yeahgr8

They all found out when i suddenly withdrew from all the usual activities i used to do with them...over time they would ask where i was and someone else would know...

It was a God send to make new sober friends in AA as i would have found it far more difficult without them especially in the first year...

I tried getting help and keeping my old friends and, although i did give up drinking for a year doing that, always went back to drinking in the end...