Admitting Co-Dependency
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 37
Admitting Co-Dependency
I would like to put this delima out there to see what kind of feed back I can get. I'm really at a stand still on how to proceed forward with this.
I have admitted co-dependency with my AD. Yes - it was hard but then again, very true - so true that as I was reading Co-dependent No More it kind of just flushed over my body. I cried while I had some of these realizations...I laughed at some of them, but regardless - I admitted. I'm not saying that it's easy - I know it's not. My delima: my husband is VERY co-dependent. I'm not sure with "who"...maybe the "family unit" - but he has the big mind set that if you do it "his" way...everything will be good. As a recovering codependent...I know that's unrealistic. I see him be this way with my AD and I feel like it just crushes the work that she and I have done to stop the codependent tendencies.
I asked him to read the book. He said no. He's not angry and this is by no means a fight with us. I have teased him from time to time when I see these tendencies come out and just kind of point them out as how it relates to what I have done in the past.
Any thoughts on how to show him in a kind, easy way?
Any feed back would be apprecaited.
Roo
I have admitted co-dependency with my AD. Yes - it was hard but then again, very true - so true that as I was reading Co-dependent No More it kind of just flushed over my body. I cried while I had some of these realizations...I laughed at some of them, but regardless - I admitted. I'm not saying that it's easy - I know it's not. My delima: my husband is VERY co-dependent. I'm not sure with "who"...maybe the "family unit" - but he has the big mind set that if you do it "his" way...everything will be good. As a recovering codependent...I know that's unrealistic. I see him be this way with my AD and I feel like it just crushes the work that she and I have done to stop the codependent tendencies.
I asked him to read the book. He said no. He's not angry and this is by no means a fight with us. I have teased him from time to time when I see these tendencies come out and just kind of point them out as how it relates to what I have done in the past.
Any thoughts on how to show him in a kind, easy way?
Any feed back would be apprecaited.
Roo
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Roo
Luckily I don't have that problem....I'm the only certified authentic co-dependent in the family. My husband and daughter recognized it all along but didn't have the "word" for it--they just recognized the behaviors as not healthy.
So I'm thinking......how did I get it (finally). I resisted others trying to tell me that I was doing anything wrong. Heck, an idiot could see that the addict needs to stop taking drugs, be more responsible and get their act together. Duh, right? And I could lovingly deliver this message to my AS--no one else understood him like I did.
These are some of the thoughts that I had and perhaps they are similar to the thoughts that your husband has. I finally "got it" when my AS went to his first in patient treatment program. It was recovering addicts who finally got through to me during the family programs. Once the barrier was broken through.....I was more than open to begin reading and educating myself.
There's only one thing worse for an addict than having a strong codependent.....and that's having a strong, stubborn codependent who refuses to look at themselves. Do you think your husband might attend meetings? Or perhaps watch some videos?
One of the things I do for myself is put bits and pieces of literature on the refridgerator. Things like:
Let Go or BE DRAGGED
Don't love him to DEATH
One Day at a Time
etc.
Perhaps leaving little messages around or reading exerpts from the books you are reading might get through to him.
One of the best pieces of literature that I've read is from Naranon. It's a small trifold about how addiction affects the family and the family's role in addiction. Perhaps he would be willing to read a pamphlet where he isn't willing to read a whole book.
I hope this helps, Roo. It is so hard to face the problem of addiction when both parents aren't on board. I know this because my husband did it for years while I spiraled in the dance between addict (AS) and codependent (me).
gentle hugs
ke
Luckily I don't have that problem....I'm the only certified authentic co-dependent in the family. My husband and daughter recognized it all along but didn't have the "word" for it--they just recognized the behaviors as not healthy.
So I'm thinking......how did I get it (finally). I resisted others trying to tell me that I was doing anything wrong. Heck, an idiot could see that the addict needs to stop taking drugs, be more responsible and get their act together. Duh, right? And I could lovingly deliver this message to my AS--no one else understood him like I did.
These are some of the thoughts that I had and perhaps they are similar to the thoughts that your husband has. I finally "got it" when my AS went to his first in patient treatment program. It was recovering addicts who finally got through to me during the family programs. Once the barrier was broken through.....I was more than open to begin reading and educating myself.
There's only one thing worse for an addict than having a strong codependent.....and that's having a strong, stubborn codependent who refuses to look at themselves. Do you think your husband might attend meetings? Or perhaps watch some videos?
One of the things I do for myself is put bits and pieces of literature on the refridgerator. Things like:
Let Go or BE DRAGGED
Don't love him to DEATH
One Day at a Time
etc.
Perhaps leaving little messages around or reading exerpts from the books you are reading might get through to him.
One of the best pieces of literature that I've read is from Naranon. It's a small trifold about how addiction affects the family and the family's role in addiction. Perhaps he would be willing to read a pamphlet where he isn't willing to read a whole book.
I hope this helps, Roo. It is so hard to face the problem of addiction when both parents aren't on board. I know this because my husband did it for years while I spiraled in the dance between addict (AS) and codependent (me).
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi Roo,
I'm not your typical diehard co-dependant in all areas of life, and probably not easily "spotted" from a distance. But I share some of the traits that others here have described. I like to think of myself as a situational co-dependant lol.
One thing that stood out for me as I learned more about addiction, behaviors and the behaviors of loved ones is that my first instinct was to try and teach others to act more appropriately, as I had learned. But here's the kicker...that WAS my co-dependency in action! Trying to control the actions/reaction of others, and ultimately the outcome of the situation.
So these days I try very hard (and don't always succeed) at concentrating on me, my interactions with others and my reactions to events around me. Afterall, I am a full time job myself, leaving little time to fix others
(((Hugs)))
I'm not your typical diehard co-dependant in all areas of life, and probably not easily "spotted" from a distance. But I share some of the traits that others here have described. I like to think of myself as a situational co-dependant lol.
One thing that stood out for me as I learned more about addiction, behaviors and the behaviors of loved ones is that my first instinct was to try and teach others to act more appropriately, as I had learned. But here's the kicker...that WAS my co-dependency in action! Trying to control the actions/reaction of others, and ultimately the outcome of the situation.
So these days I try very hard (and don't always succeed) at concentrating on me, my interactions with others and my reactions to events around me. Afterall, I am a full time job myself, leaving little time to fix others
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
cece
I had to laugh when I read your response.....and then read my own. hahaha My codependency was hard at work. I'm NOT a situational co-dependent! lol I'm pretty diehard!
Roo........Cece is so very right. You can't change your husband and trying to change him is no different than trying to change the addict in your life. It could be hitting your head against a brick wall.....a different brick wall but a brick wall none the less.
Take care of you!
gentle hugs
ke
I had to laugh when I read your response.....and then read my own. hahaha My codependency was hard at work. I'm NOT a situational co-dependent! lol I'm pretty diehard!
Roo........Cece is so very right. You can't change your husband and trying to change him is no different than trying to change the addict in your life. It could be hitting your head against a brick wall.....a different brick wall but a brick wall none the less.
Take care of you!
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 37
LOL!!! Ok - I'm in check after only three responses....thank you for that!
I have noticed that he is a trigger for me to back step to the co-dependency...I keep trying to tell him that I don't ask those questions any more. I'm not seeking to control her life. If you want to know the answers to these questions then ask them yourself.
Thank you guys!!!
Roo
I have noticed that he is a trigger for me to back step to the co-dependency...I keep trying to tell him that I don't ask those questions any more. I'm not seeking to control her life. If you want to know the answers to these questions then ask them yourself.
Thank you guys!!!
Roo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I am one of those codependents who view codependency as ego and the fantasy that, with enough time, energy, manuvering and money I can control my daughter and her choices.
I am a situational ( love that term) codependent. The more things spiraled out of control with my daughter the more I focused on trying to control and cure her. The more I focused on her, the less I focused on me and my increasing role in all of this. You see, I was unique, because I was going to beat her addiction.
Thanks to this wonderful forum, I was eventually able to put things into perspective and established some basic boundaries for myself which included that I would not have an addict living in my house. I did not go the " no contact" route because I was able to achieve and maintain an acceptable and reasonable level of detachment without it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
I also eventually realalized my own codependecy extended to my husband and his codependency as it related to our daughter. In a blink of an eye, I transferred my focus and fixation with my daughter to trying to control my husband's codependency issues with our daughter.
So instead of trying to fix my daughter, I went into full time mode of trying to fix my husband. This was like a heroin addict who is on a methadone or suboxone program, using other substances. As it related to my situation, I was still trying to manipulate anyone and everyone to save my daughter.
When I look back, I am stunned by my own ego and fantasy of power over other people. I clearly blamed myself for my daughter's poor choices and used the ego boost of the fantasy that I had the power.
Controlling myself and my own reactions is more than enough for me, now days.
I am a situational ( love that term) codependent. The more things spiraled out of control with my daughter the more I focused on trying to control and cure her. The more I focused on her, the less I focused on me and my increasing role in all of this. You see, I was unique, because I was going to beat her addiction.
Thanks to this wonderful forum, I was eventually able to put things into perspective and established some basic boundaries for myself which included that I would not have an addict living in my house. I did not go the " no contact" route because I was able to achieve and maintain an acceptable and reasonable level of detachment without it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
I also eventually realalized my own codependecy extended to my husband and his codependency as it related to our daughter. In a blink of an eye, I transferred my focus and fixation with my daughter to trying to control my husband's codependency issues with our daughter.
So instead of trying to fix my daughter, I went into full time mode of trying to fix my husband. This was like a heroin addict who is on a methadone or suboxone program, using other substances. As it related to my situation, I was still trying to manipulate anyone and everyone to save my daughter.
When I look back, I am stunned by my own ego and fantasy of power over other people. I clearly blamed myself for my daughter's poor choices and used the ego boost of the fantasy that I had the power.
Controlling myself and my own reactions is more than enough for me, now days.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I hesitate to even post for fear of sounding codie on this...I will just quote Dr. Drew Pinsky (love him or hate him he does know addiction!).."If you have a family member who is an alcoholic/addict and you do not go to alanon, you are part of the problem." Take what you like..leave the rest..
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