Avoidance
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Avoidance
My internal topic for today is avoidance. I am working on that because it is part of my process toward awareness and acceptance of my decision to divorce my AH.
I know that divorce is the right decision, no doubts about that. But, the anxiety I had last week triggered a reaction in me to want to slow down and be kind to myself (not in and of itself a bad thing)... but...
If slow down too much and become paralyzed and fail to follow through... avoidance creeps in and I stay stuck. So I laid awake this morning and was thinking the following...
The pain of staying here (the awkward silence and tension is unbearable) is quickly reaching meltdown. Time for action.
And then I thought about how badly i just wanted my husband to wrap his arms around me, say he was sorry and tell me he loved me. That's it. Thats all I want these days...
And then in the calm of the morning, my HP whispered.... why do you keep going to the hardware store for bread?!?
Ah.... so that's where I'm at today. So glad you're all here.
I know that divorce is the right decision, no doubts about that. But, the anxiety I had last week triggered a reaction in me to want to slow down and be kind to myself (not in and of itself a bad thing)... but...
If slow down too much and become paralyzed and fail to follow through... avoidance creeps in and I stay stuck. So I laid awake this morning and was thinking the following...
The pain of staying here (the awkward silence and tension is unbearable) is quickly reaching meltdown. Time for action.
And then I thought about how badly i just wanted my husband to wrap his arms around me, say he was sorry and tell me he loved me. That's it. Thats all I want these days...
And then in the calm of the morning, my HP whispered.... why do you keep going to the hardware store for bread?!?
Ah.... so that's where I'm at today. So glad you're all here.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
just want to offer you a hug. I understand. The arms, the love, the smallest gesture from him to acknowledge my existence...
But if it had come, it would have been temporary.
That's what I had to remember.
I hope you have a good day.
But if it had come, it would have been temporary.
That's what I had to remember.
I hope you have a good day.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Ugh.
That's where I am today too. Wanting to be treated like a human being instead of a problem to be avoided or his 2nd mother or a nag or an ATM. I'm getting my hugs at SR today, because continuing to hope for them at home is only disappointing me.
We really do deserve better. All of us.
We really do deserve better. All of us.
One step and one day at a time!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
Hi! I made it to the other side! I just left my husband. Staying with my family. I felt exactly like you do right up until the moment I left. I had to do a lot of "I'm doing this not because I want to, but because I know it will be good for me."
You're doing the right thing!
You're doing the right thing!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Use away MCESaint! It's not an original by me... actually taken from Al-anon literature:
From Courage to Change, January 2.
Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread. Perhaps we expect a "good" parent to nuture and support our feelings, or a "loving" spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a "caring" child to want to pitch in when we are ill or overwhelmed. While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved one, that have let us down.
Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered. When it is not, we don't have to feel deprived; most of us find an unfailing source of love in Al-Anon. With the encouragement and support of others, we learn to treat our needs as important and appropriate, and to treat ourselves as deserving.
Today's reminderToday the alcoholic may or may not be able to give us what we desire. And no one person will ever offer all that we require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is already at our fingertips.
Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread. Perhaps we expect a "good" parent to nuture and support our feelings, or a "loving" spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a "caring" child to want to pitch in when we are ill or overwhelmed. While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved one, that have let us down.
Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered. When it is not, we don't have to feel deprived; most of us find an unfailing source of love in Al-Anon. With the encouragement and support of others, we learn to treat our needs as important and appropriate, and to treat ourselves as deserving.
Today's reminderToday the alcoholic may or may not be able to give us what we desire. And no one person will ever offer all that we require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is already at our fingertips.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I don't know what I love more, avoidance or denial. That said, neither have ever worked well for me even though they are my instinctive responses to most unpleasant situations.
Detachment, however, worked awesome for me and still does.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Detachment, however, worked awesome for me and still does.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I know that divorce is the right decision, no doubts about that. But, the anxiety I had last week triggered a reaction in me to want to slow down and be kind to myself (not in and of itself a bad thing)... but...
If slow down too much and become paralyzed and fail to follow through... avoidance creeps in and I stay stuck
I can deal with a tiny piece about one a week.
For example, research property/divorce law in my state for an hour.
Avoid for a week.
Email STXAH about results.
Avoid for a week!
LOL!
If slow down too much and become paralyzed and fail to follow through... avoidance creeps in and I stay stuck
I can deal with a tiny piece about one a week.
For example, research property/divorce law in my state for an hour.
Avoid for a week.
Email STXAH about results.
Avoid for a week!
LOL!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thanks for the laugh FP!!! I am right there too!! Do a little bit (which hurts like heck), then take a breather and get my strength back for the next step!!
It's so go to not be alone anymore!!! Thanks for being here!
It's so go to not be alone anymore!!! Thanks for being here!
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