Babyblue

I always wondered what this sickness was that I needed recovery for. "I'm fine!" right? I coasted along pretty well actually.. little cracks occasionally but I threw myself into my job, my friends, etc. But I see now I never dealt with the core issue: How his disease is affecting ME.

So today I hit my bottom. I cried to the point of feeling physically ill. I realized how powerless I am and what it was doing to me. I've lost so much weight too since being in this situation. All signs of illness I realize.

But he isn't the cause of any of this, it was my own need to control and know things. I found myself subconsciously hoping that he'd relapse because then he'd leave the program and 'need' me again. How awful is that? Letting go has been so hard for me. Letting him do what he needs to do without trying to interject myself into HIS recovery has been a constant struggle.

Letting go terrifies me. It triggers my fear of abandonment but the wonderful thing is that I finally figured out why those fears are so strong in me.... when I was 9, my favorite aunt passed away from Leukemia (at 36). I didn't understand what that meant and why she was in and out of the hospital. But as weak as she was, she would talk to me on the phone from the hospital, always wanting to know how I was telling me how she thought about me.

Then one day the call came that she had died. I never got to say goodbye. Grown ups go away to places and never come back is what was etched in my mind. People who love and care about me have to leave if they aren't well. And I never see them again. No wonder this has been so hard for me. I still feel like that scared 9 year old girl when I think about the RABF not being able to contact me.

So knowing all this has been a huge step forward. I can't be that little scared child anymore because it is not allowing me to live as I need to. Today I went to an Al-Anon meeting and I bought the Paths to Recovery book. I am so looking forward to getting well. Cuz at the bottom there is only one way to go and that is up!

concernednurse

I have to say the letting go is the hardest thing for me right now. I cried in alanon last week because I just. dont. know. how. to let go! The fear... the fear of leaving and being alone, the fear of staying and relapse, the fear of relapse leading to death, how low is the bottom.. and really, it spills over into other parts of my life, the fear, the anxiety, and the worries. I am a caretaker by career as well. Why do I need to be needed? Why can't I give up the control? So, right now, the journey for me is learning how to detach, give up control, and push through the fear, worry, and anxiety.

Babyblue

My job is also about 'helping' people and counseling them. So it is really hard to not wonder how they are progressing or how things could be better for them but it isn't my job.

I'm on that same journey of detaching and leaving the worry and fear behind. Some days are better than others but all I know that what I was doing was NOT working for me. The focus has to be on me and staying emotionally healthy. Things are not as I want them between he and I. I guess that makes it easier to step away.

The hardest part is of letting go of what I thought was 'supposed' to be or expected it to be. Knowing that it is nothing like that is a hard pill to swallow. There is a type of grief involved I guess.

wicked

Not awful, not to me.....just honest.
Amazing what I have learned when I let go.
Even though I know I will feel better if I let go, I have to struggle with it first.
Dang, if they would just do it my way!


Beth

TakingCharge999

Babyblue I have hoped for many things that are very sick or pathetic !
Hope you feel better today.

Tuffgirl

Here's what I learned. Letting go [B]doesn't mean[/B] you stop loving and caring. It doesn't mean you stop speaking to someone. It doesn't mean they go away forever and ever. It doesn't mean a relationship has to end. It just means you stop trying to control the other person and the outcome. Stop having expectations. Allow that person to make their own decisions and experience the consequences therein; they are adults after all. It means having compassion. It means taking care of yourself.

Once I backed off, my RAH really blossomed. Ya know, he can take care of himself. And ya know what else? I was acting really super codependent there at the end. It is hard to watch someone make bad choices and do potentially hurtful things to their body, but it IS their choice to make, not ours.

One more thing to add - my sister is the kind of person who feels abandoned if she isn't "needed". I have found that very irritating and offensive, and when I made the connection that I was doing the same to my RAH, I was horrified in myself. I don't like it when someone invades my grown up space, no wonder he didn't like it either.

Just my 2 cents...

Babyblue

I actually do feel better today. Calmer. Clearer even. I needed clarity because I hate being in an emotional fog.

Thank you for those words Tuffgirl. I needed that reassurance. I will reread them often. Sometimes I am such a drama queen really. I don't like to be so needy emotionally or put the other person in a position of guilt for how I am feeling. Yeah it hurt when he stopped contact but I know he didn't do so because of any mistake on my part or out of any resentment of me. He did what he had to do out of necessity for his recovery. I took it very personally. In previous relationships if a guy did that then it meant one thing, I can't have you in my life anymore. In this case, he has to learn to have a healthy relationship with self before anyone else.

I really can't have expectations because it isn't realistic or fair.. and it isn't love if I don't let go gracefully. I need to tell myself that it isn't going to be a forever type of silence on his part. Why would it be? I'm sure he misses me because things were good and loving between us. What it is going to look like when he is done, I don't know but it won't be anything healthy if I still try to control the outcome. Plus this letting go will carry over to other parts of my life where I get stuck in this worry/control/doom & gloom cycle.

My mom was/is very codependent on my dad. In fact when I first heard the term, it was in reference to my mom. My dad never had a drinking problem while we grew up but I have a strong suspicion he is a dry drunk. He told of many 'drunk tank' stories, lots of drunk stories actually which happened before he met my mom. He was very late in starting his family (40). He was very volatile and my mom reacted to his moods good or bad. She is 50 years married so 50 years as a codependent?? NO thanks.

jamaicamecrazy

Baby Blue
Thank you so much for your honesty. Isn't it amazing what we see when we finally look away from our A. So much of what yo are struggling with I have thought myself. First we recognize it, then we dig deeper to see where it started and then decide if this is what we want in our lives. You are well on your way to recovery.

Babyblue

Thanks jamaicamecrazy! I hope so.

I have my book and after dinner I am gonna start delving in.

(Oh and your name on here is still the best name on SR hands down!)