Letting go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Letting go
My son's saga continues.
He was fired from his job. He has now been evicted from his apartment. His drug addicted roommate went to jail. He looks awful. Very thin and his face is so thin that the skin is sagging like a 60 year old--he's 29. His life is falling in around him and he turned to us....assuming that we would let him back into our home.
We said no.
He is officially homeless again. We offered our support via a sober living home and suggested counseling. He declined. He said that he knows where to go but there's no sense in trying because he'll just fail again. He said that he's hopeless and he's "too far gone".
We had a long discussion. I hope that some of what I said to him sunk in. It was a calm discussion. No anger. I told him that it's never too late. He said that he is going to live in a tent and will steal food if he needs to. I just listened. He was doing a lot of manipulation. I called him out on it--not in a mean way but pretty direct--he didn't like that. As he left, my heart was hurting so badly. I hugged him and told him that I love him.
Crap this stuff is hard.
I came home and cried while my husband held me. Then my ex-husband (son's bio father) called and we comforted each other.
I prayed and handed my beloved son over to God and asked that he please send me a sign that I have done the right thing. Please God......let me know that I have done the right thing.
Only God knows.
He was fired from his job. He has now been evicted from his apartment. His drug addicted roommate went to jail. He looks awful. Very thin and his face is so thin that the skin is sagging like a 60 year old--he's 29. His life is falling in around him and he turned to us....assuming that we would let him back into our home.
We said no.
He is officially homeless again. We offered our support via a sober living home and suggested counseling. He declined. He said that he knows where to go but there's no sense in trying because he'll just fail again. He said that he's hopeless and he's "too far gone".
We had a long discussion. I hope that some of what I said to him sunk in. It was a calm discussion. No anger. I told him that it's never too late. He said that he is going to live in a tent and will steal food if he needs to. I just listened. He was doing a lot of manipulation. I called him out on it--not in a mean way but pretty direct--he didn't like that. As he left, my heart was hurting so badly. I hugged him and told him that I love him.
Crap this stuff is hard.
I came home and cried while my husband held me. Then my ex-husband (son's bio father) called and we comforted each other.
I prayed and handed my beloved son over to God and asked that he please send me a sign that I have done the right thing. Please God......let me know that I have done the right thing.
Only God knows.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kindeyes))) - I'm so sorry your son is still doing the addict dance.
When I was still active, my dad offered to pay for me to go to rehab, and I told him not to waste his money. I knew I wasn't done yet.
It took a few more consequences, until I got to that point. I pray that your son gets to that point, too...when he's simply had enough.
I'm very proud of you for not taking him in, though I can only imagine how hard that is. From THIS RA, as my dad would say "ya done good". I know it doesn't FEEL that way, but you are stepping back, letting him deal with his consequences, and we A's need that.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
When I was still active, my dad offered to pay for me to go to rehab, and I told him not to waste his money. I knew I wasn't done yet.
It took a few more consequences, until I got to that point. I pray that your son gets to that point, too...when he's simply had enough.
I'm very proud of you for not taking him in, though I can only imagine how hard that is. From THIS RA, as my dad would say "ya done good". I know it doesn't FEEL that way, but you are stepping back, letting him deal with his consequences, and we A's need that.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
The last time we sent our son out of our home was very similar to your situation. He had been using for about ten years by then. Things did get worse for him...and I hit a bottom too; but after a few months out there like he was...he got arrested, spent a year in jail and is now approaching his fifth anniversary of clean-time.
He had left before, but we always knew where he would be...rehab or with a friend;but that last time was so different and so were the following 6-8 weeks of not knowing where he was. That was the very time I first came here to SR- I had been attending Al-Anon for quite awhile.
It seems so rote to me now...but I haven't forgotten how it was and how I felt sending him out to...nothing. But after the fact.... I learned that he had always found a place to stay..food, clothing etc. He even found somebody to buy him his insulin.
It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do; but like you, I knew it was the only way to deal with things as they were. I hope you will be able to find some peace of mind and please take extra good care of yourself k?
I pray he will come to the point of becoming serious about recovery and decide to get the help he needs.
((((Kindeyes)))) You are in my thoughts & prayers and so is your son.
He had left before, but we always knew where he would be...rehab or with a friend;but that last time was so different and so were the following 6-8 weeks of not knowing where he was. That was the very time I first came here to SR- I had been attending Al-Anon for quite awhile.
It seems so rote to me now...but I haven't forgotten how it was and how I felt sending him out to...nothing. But after the fact.... I learned that he had always found a place to stay..food, clothing etc. He even found somebody to buy him his insulin.
It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do; but like you, I knew it was the only way to deal with things as they were. I hope you will be able to find some peace of mind and please take extra good care of yourself k?
I pray he will come to the point of becoming serious about recovery and decide to get the help he needs.
((((Kindeyes)))) You are in my thoughts & prayers and so is your son.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I feel your heartbreak and I am really sorry, Kindeyes. The addiction will continue whether he is living with you or in a tent...until he is ready. God, I know it's the hardest thing a mother can do!! -- but remember, you ARE being a good mother by giving him the dignity to make his own choices. He has chosen.
((((((((Big Mom Hugs))))))))))))))
((((((((Big Mom Hugs))))))))))))))
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hallelujah! Crises! Pain! Just what our dear addicts need. Crisis and pain are the language they hear, more than our mere words.
If you are a reader, you might like "The Lost Years." It is co-authored by a woman about her addicted years and by her mother about those same years from her perspective (she eventually found Alanon). This mother too had to let her daughter go, and eventually her daughter was homeless. All the while the mother stuck to a very basic message, "I love you, are you ready for treatment?" every time that daughter contacted her.
I'm pullin' for ya on this one, KindEyes. May you find some measure of peace today.
Sojourner
If you are a reader, you might like "The Lost Years." It is co-authored by a woman about her addicted years and by her mother about those same years from her perspective (she eventually found Alanon). This mother too had to let her daughter go, and eventually her daughter was homeless. All the while the mother stuck to a very basic message, "I love you, are you ready for treatment?" every time that daughter contacted her.
I'm pullin' for ya on this one, KindEyes. May you find some measure of peace today.
Sojourner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
(((Kindeyes)))
From one mom to another, I understand. I feel your pain. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable. But, I know you did the right thing. I remember the day I lifted up my 36 year old AD's baby blanket and prayed, "God, I release her to you. May your Divine Will be accomplished in her life. "
Your beloved son is in God's Hands. And, that's a good place to be!
Praying for your family.
From one mom to another, I understand. I feel your pain. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable. But, I know you did the right thing. I remember the day I lifted up my 36 year old AD's baby blanket and prayed, "God, I release her to you. May your Divine Will be accomplished in her life. "
Your beloved son is in God's Hands. And, that's a good place to be!
Praying for your family.
Last edited by Habit; 03-21-2011 at 05:37 AM. Reason: typing error
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Kindeyes: I'm with you....I am still feeling the heartache of sending my AS on his way after he tells me he has no where to go and wondering if he's mentally stable enough to make it out there. I would rather go back in the past and take on labor pains, sleepless nights with babies, and living with an AH than this. However, I know it would not help him to get any better.
But I know it's still hard to watch from the sidelines. Huggs and prayers your way.
But I know it's still hard to watch from the sidelines. Huggs and prayers your way.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thank you all once again for your kind words of support.
I slept last night.
This is definitely a low point for me.
I'm struggling.
I have a lot of "stinking thinking" going on and I'm struggling to stop it. Reading out of the SESH (Naranon) is helping but it's not breaking through the negative thoughts and saddness yet. Prayer is helping......
I'm going to go take a shower. Play some soothing music. Go to work and get lost in it. Get my butt to a yoga class tomorrow (because there isn't one today) and try to find my "zone" again.
Thanks again for your kind words and support.
gentle hugs
ke
I slept last night.
This is definitely a low point for me.
I'm struggling.
I have a lot of "stinking thinking" going on and I'm struggling to stop it. Reading out of the SESH (Naranon) is helping but it's not breaking through the negative thoughts and saddness yet. Prayer is helping......
I'm going to go take a shower. Play some soothing music. Go to work and get lost in it. Get my butt to a yoga class tomorrow (because there isn't one today) and try to find my "zone" again.
Thanks again for your kind words and support.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Oh Kindeyes..all very wise words here..and all things I know that you know from your recovery..loving him to death is a terrible option.
I know now you are just feeling the sadness and that's ok...look for those signs of grace we were talking about..they are bound to pop up in this difficult time.
For me the thing that jumped out at me was that he says he is "too far gone"..he sees hopelessness where we KNOW their is hope...maybe his defenses are waning, getting ready to again surrender..find peace in not feeding the addiction while still loving your son..
I know now you are just feeling the sadness and that's ok...look for those signs of grace we were talking about..they are bound to pop up in this difficult time.
For me the thing that jumped out at me was that he says he is "too far gone"..he sees hopelessness where we KNOW their is hope...maybe his defenses are waning, getting ready to again surrender..find peace in not feeding the addiction while still loving your son..
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I find that communing with nature helps when I am REALLY troubled and just being mindful of my surroundings -- kind of like a walking meditation.
Whatever works for you, I hope you can unite with it today....
I am thinking of you and praying for your family.
Whatever works for you, I hope you can unite with it today....
I am thinking of you and praying for your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Ok. I'm getting my head screwed back on right. Man.....just a few hours around my AS can really knock me off track. I still allow him that power--I still have LOTS of work to do on myself!
I've had a couple of good nights of sleep and have decided that I'm not going to picture my son with a needle in his arm in my mind anymore--that does nothing but tear me up. I'm going to picture him with a backpack on his back, walking HIS path, and taking his journey. I'll pray that his HP guides him on his journey. It reminds me of a very old Cat Stevens song.......he's on the road to find out. And I am not going to walk that road with him....literally or figuratively.
Today is a new day. I will be glad and rejoice in it.
gentle hugs
ke
PS--Thank you for all of your kind words and support. All of you here on SR are the best and you lift me up when I can't hold myself up and I am so grateful to each and every one of you. I hope that at some point I can return the favor.
I've had a couple of good nights of sleep and have decided that I'm not going to picture my son with a needle in his arm in my mind anymore--that does nothing but tear me up. I'm going to picture him with a backpack on his back, walking HIS path, and taking his journey. I'll pray that his HP guides him on his journey. It reminds me of a very old Cat Stevens song.......he's on the road to find out. And I am not going to walk that road with him....literally or figuratively.
Today is a new day. I will be glad and rejoice in it.
gentle hugs
ke
PS--Thank you for all of your kind words and support. All of you here on SR are the best and you lift me up when I can't hold myself up and I am so grateful to each and every one of you. I hope that at some point I can return the favor.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The last time we sent our son out of our home was very similar to your situation. He had been using for about ten years by then. Things did get worse for him...and I hit a bottom too; but after a few months out there like he was...he got arrested, spent a year in jail and is now approaching his fifth anniversary of clean-time.
You did the right thing…for him and for you. If you think of what your alternative was…to have him move back in with you, it would have only been supporting his addiction, prolonging his reaching a bottom, and disturbing the serenity in your home. Spring is right around the corner, a tent in the woods, and living as one with nature…may bring him closer to his higher power.
Oh Kindeyes..all very wise words here..and all things I know that you know from your recovery..loving him to death is a terrible option.
I know now you are just feeling the sadness and that's ok...look for those signs of grace we were talking about..they are bound to pop up in this difficult time.
For me the thing that jumped out at me was that he says he is "too far gone"..he sees hopelessness where we KNOW their is hope...maybe his defenses are waning, getting ready to again surrender..find peace in not feeding the addiction while still loving your son..
I know now you are just feeling the sadness and that's ok...look for those signs of grace we were talking about..they are bound to pop up in this difficult time.
For me the thing that jumped out at me was that he says he is "too far gone"..he sees hopelessness where we KNOW their is hope...maybe his defenses are waning, getting ready to again surrender..find peace in not feeding the addiction while still loving your son..
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Kindeyes,
Sounds like you have gotten to a good place. It is hard work that we are doing and some days are harder than others, some easier.
I'm glad you've been able to come to a more serene place and once again put the focus on yourself and turn your son over to his HP.
You are in my thoughts.
Sounds like you have gotten to a good place. It is hard work that we are doing and some days are harder than others, some easier.
I'm glad you've been able to come to a more serene place and once again put the focus on yourself and turn your son over to his HP.
You are in my thoughts.
Love the visual you came up with. I hope you have a good day today. XOXO
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
An unmistakable touch of grace moment.
This morning I got in my car to come to work. I turned on the radio and began punching the buttons to find the radio station I wanted to land on. When I heard the last few lyrics of a song playing......
I just had to let it go....
Those are the last words of a John Lennon song "Sitting Here Watching the Wheels Go Round and Round". But today......I'm going to attribute those words to my HP's unmistakeable touch of grace......I just had to let him go.
gentle hugs to everyone
ke
This morning I got in my car to come to work. I turned on the radio and began punching the buttons to find the radio station I wanted to land on. When I heard the last few lyrics of a song playing......
I just had to let it go....
Those are the last words of a John Lennon song "Sitting Here Watching the Wheels Go Round and Round". But today......I'm going to attribute those words to my HP's unmistakeable touch of grace......I just had to let him go.
gentle hugs to everyone
ke
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
KE
I have tried several times to post a reply to you but have gotten interupted, kicked off and blah, blah, blah - guess it just wasn't time until now to respond ~ but I have prayed for you each time and for your son!
You are a brave, wise and loving mother ~ the gift of dignity, respect and the ability to find and walk that path you are giving that precious son of yours is PRECIOUS!
I know it is hard for you - but it shows your love and courage and RECOVERY!
Thank you for sharing it with us!
My prayers, and PINK HUGS are with you!!!!
Rita
I have tried several times to post a reply to you but have gotten interupted, kicked off and blah, blah, blah - guess it just wasn't time until now to respond ~ but I have prayed for you each time and for your son!
You are a brave, wise and loving mother ~ the gift of dignity, respect and the ability to find and walk that path you are giving that precious son of yours is PRECIOUS!
I know it is hard for you - but it shows your love and courage and RECOVERY!
Thank you for sharing it with us!
My prayers, and PINK HUGS are with you!!!!
Rita
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