cafa684

Its been tough. The shock is wearing off that my xab could actually do what he's done to me. Now that I'm not helping him anymore, he's just gone. after all we've been through. I'm floating in between utter hurt and ANGER. I pictured him dead this morning. I'm so angry that I was just being used...for months! ANd being told all these deep, and meaningful ,loving things. I have impulses to go by his house, call someone to get in touch with him. WHy would I want anything to do with this guy who obviously wont feel anything when I tell him how I feel? He cannot even begin to understand. I feel weak. I'm almost jealous of that fact that he gets to drink the pain away and I have to actually live life. Cant sleep at night and cant get out of bed in the morning. It's going to get better, I know it is, but every time I had a strong emotion in the past nine moths, I've used him to soothe it.By erupting on him, sleeping with him, denying what he's done, you know, the usual! I can't do that anymore and gosh does reality hurt.

I don't want to go to al anon because I don't want to stay with my AB. I just want to move on. I am involved in Celebrate Recovery, but my XAB was involved there too, and talked to girls there. He's ruined the one safe place I had.

Sorry if I'm ranting and complaining, I just don't know what else to do to keep me from running back to the person who hurt me.

LexieCat

I don't quite get why you don't want to go to Al-Anon because you don't want to stay. Al-Anon is to help with effects of living with alcoholism, regardless whether the alcoholic is in your life or not. People whose alcoholics haven't been in their lives for years, decades, benefit from Al-Anon.

Trust me, people there will "get" what you are feeling.

cafa684

that's true. i'm probably making excuses. I guess everytime I go, I feel very confused.

pixilation

I get it LexieCat, one Al-Anon meeting that I went too, all the wives there were still with the alcoholic, a few of them for more than 30 years. It's part of what made me realize that meeting wasn't for me, I needed to find a different one.

So if that happens OP, try a different meeting. And know that it is easier to leave a bf/gf then a spouse, from a paperwork/law standpoint at least.

passionfruit

There are 5 stages to abandonment just like grieving.

When you recognize what you are going through and why, it may help you heal sooner/better/easier...

I am reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson

The five stages are:

Shattering
Withdrawal
Internalizing the Rejection
Rage
Lifting

The book suggest the following action plan:
1. Step outside your usual experience: New interests......
2. Initiate new contacts: new people
3. Come clean: share your feelings with someone, including how you contributed to the failure of the relationship.
4. Incorporate your alter ego into your ego: become your higher self: set new standards for yourself and new expectations for relationships to come.
5. Share your higher self with others: avoid those who might tempt you to revert to old patterns


It is worth a read.

In the last week, I have made the decision to permanently break from my AH. My first thought was I don't need alanon anymore.

This morning I got up and found myself trying to change my nephew and my daughter again. I realized I am not done yet. I will stay with alanon. When I am years past this, I will stay around to help those who need it, in exchange for the help I was given.

Had alanon and SR not been there, I would not be here either, I think.

Cyranoak

...and it's not about leaving either. It's not about him, and it's not even specifically about your relationship with him. It's about you, it's about helping you, and it's about helping others in a healthy, non-codependent, non-enabling way. That's it.

If you want to increase your chances that the next man you are attracted to is healthy you will absolutely go to Alanon. If you want to increase the odds you'll just find another *******, then by all means avoid Alanon.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

TakingCharge999

I'm almost jealous of that fact that he gets to drink the pain away and I have to actually live life.

Yes I felt that way too.
Its difficult when they are in the early stages.
Just remember this is CHRONIC and PROGRESSIVE. And it is a good thing you won't be around years later down the road to see where his "drinking the pain away" (more like "storing it deeper and deeper") will take him.

You could be in evasion as well, drinking, sleeping in a different place every night, partying etc. But in your heart do you believe that's going to help you? Is that happiness?

Didn't think so.
There are better days ahead. Therapy has helped me understand where my intense feelings come from. And how I have a huge record in terms of self boycott. Accepting realities is the foundation for real lasting change.

It's hard. I broke No contact many times. Every.single.time I got way more hurt. I hope you save yourself from this.