coffeedrinker

hello everybody,


i am on retreat.

my co-worker walked into the office on tuesday morning and said, "what's wrong?" i said "huh? nothin." she said, "bull sh*t." i rambled a little about feeling anxiety, always going to the worry place....
she replied, "you need to do a 4th step."

i turned and looked at her and said, "really, huh?"
"ok. i will."

next thing i knew i was in this hyper need to make a plan thing. i got super excited about it and thought of where i might find my recovery.
hence the topic about "zen" the other day.
i did not finish my 4th step, which was my goal for last august. i took it with me camping for four days, but had no idea that after hours and hours, i would still only be half done. i've brought the workbook with me on overnights, to coffee shops, and looked at it by my bed. i knew that i needed to get away to actually pick it up and finish.

after searching various options for this weekend (time was of the essence!) i landed at a major treatment facility here in minnesota which has one-day to
8-day options. mostly people in recovery from drug and alcohol, but so what? i am welcome here.

it's so wonderful - quiet, relaxing, supportive, well-appointed, beautiful setting. and i just opt in to a group or lecture if i want, opt out if i want. i could not have ordered up a better weekend getaway if i tried.

here's what i'm currently struggling with most:

how do you discern the will of god versus your own will?

and

how do you trust that god is in the works, when you don't even know if you believe in "god"?

(i know this is addressed in the bb, and i'm reading the chapter on agnostics)

i started a thread in the spirituality forum, but i don't think it gets much lookin.

if you guys can go over there, or respond to my above question, i would be ever-so-grateful.

i really wanna stay connected with y'all.

seekingcalm

Your questions are difficult ones, coffeedrinker.

Earlier in my recovery, I thought more of God as The Universe, if you will. I have found that as I have learned to be still, and not try to control all of the outcomes in my life, that things have somehow worked out well for me, even when I did not think they would. I turn around, and what I needed was there, without my thinking of it.

I think the most important thing, for me, was to let go to something higher and more powerful than myself...did not matter if I see that as God, or life unfolding as it should, as long as I realize it was out of my control.

I have been freed of the burden of responsibility for everyone and everything in my life, and it feels great.

passionfruit

Personally, I have had 2 incidents lately that made me very aware God was speaking to me/answering my prayer/making his will known:

1. I was sitting somewhere waiting and in the front of my mind squirrel cages were going....thoughts, worries, anxiety, thoughts, worries, fear....What if? What if? What if? How am I going to? What do I do?

From what seemed to be the left backside of my mind, came a voice, the same sounding voice as all the squirrel cage chatter, came a statement: You are worrying for no reason.


It was clear, concise and direct. It was clearly different than the chatter in the front of my brain. I believe it was God talking to me. People may think I am crazy but.......oh well!!

2: I specifically prayed for God to show me the truth of an issue. I had a dream that night that implied an answer. I was not sure that was an answer from God or my own mechanisms at work. A day later....I spoke to an individual who, with no provocation what so ever on my part, stated as a matter of fact, the answer to my question.

I was astonished!! Truly amazed. There is no doubt in my mind the answer to the question and no doubt in my mind God provided that answer.

Today, I have several issues, I have given to him and am waiting on his will to be made clear to me. I KNOW he will make it crystal clear when he is ready!

I would say, pray and wait. That is what I do, over and over!!

Fake it til you make it I guess. Step out in faith. Baby steps. Put one foot in front of the other.

Just start talking to someone up there. He will find you and bring you home!!

SoloMio

Coffeedrinker,

I responded to your zen forum, and I'm totally relating to your question. I have no idea what your religious orientation is, but I am thinking about going through the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius to answer just the question you're posing. The Exercises are a tough drill, but they answer your question--I think. However, I do think you have to start with believing in God.

I'm reading Seek God Everywhere by Anthony de Mello, which also is very helpful is sorting out those kinds of questions. I recommend it--I love de Mello.

coffeedrinker

I just have to tell everyone who knows I was working on this:

I completed my 4th Step!

It's weird, though, I was at such peace all weekend, being away and surrounded with recovery stuff/people, and as soon as I ented the work world this morning, I felt anxiety rising up.

We all know this dynamic, but I really thought I would feel so much better.

I am aware that it has everything to do with my S/O, and our relationship.
We aren't really having problems, I just can't quiet the questions, doubts and general "what next" feelings. It's one of the reasons I want to learn to live in the "today".

wicked

***** on the fourth step!

Oh yes, I understand this too.
Sigh....
I must practice staying in this moment.

GettingBy

My will... feels forced and tends to a "domino" effect where one bad decision leads to another, and another - until I'm stressed out, anxious and nothing will "go right!"

God's will... I am relaxed, at peace and patiently waiting. My eyes are open to see the blessings I'm surrounded by. Generally God's will happens soon after I find my attitude of gratitude.


For me, that comes from experience. Knowing that in the past, God has not let me down. God has always been there, even in the darkest of days... and that on the other side of that darkness, has been some of the brightest moments!!

If you don't believe in "god", I guess I would just suggest trying to sit in a moment - watch it unfold, and experience it. Don't try to control the outcome. The ending may surprise you - it may not be what you would want, but if you take it for what it IS - you will then see that - No matter what, everything will be okay!



I have been a Catholic all of my life, but I will admit that I didn't really LIVE with faith until I started Al-anon. Oh, I prayed before and I believed in God - but I never really took my hands off the wheel ;-) Al-anon is truly an amazing program!

stella27

One thing I gave up for Lent is willful behavior or pushing my agenda and being impatient with things that I couldn't control and weren't working in the way I wanted them to.

I think it's the by-product of living with an alcoholic, and I felt more and more urgency to communicate and be direct and figure out where all this was going. None of those impulses are wrong - they are important to a mom with 3 children who needs to know what steps to take, but somehow they became absorbed into my personality and now I am pushy.

So whether I need to let God work and let His will be done or whether I need to back off, or both, I am trying to be quiet and not impose my agenda or will on anyone else (except my young kids!) for these 40 days.

I haven't seen any results, but I am starting to feel more peaceful.

Enjoy your retreat.