inahaze

Someone suggested that my thinker wasn't working right after all the years of dealing with AH. I definitely think that holds some weight after thinking on it, had I been thinking clearly early on this marriage wouldn't of gotten this far.

Instead of working this stuff out myself (which has never worked in the past) I've elected to ask for help, which is very difficult for me. I'm talking to friends, I'm reading these boards and posting some...I'm reaching out instead of going at this alone. When I start getting upset or I start to think about my decision I make myself back up and make contact. It really does help.

I've put in some job apps, I called my friend and it's looking like I'll be starting work in a week or two which MAY lead into a nursing position in June. Even if it doesn't it'll support the kids and myself easily, it's Mon-Fri (2nd shift but I'll deal with it for awhile).

I guess I haven't realized that there are people out there that care about me. It's nice.

My STBX hasn't changed any at all, he's still gone just about the entire time that he's off work. He did tell me that if I would just let go of the past and love him for the person he is today we would be okay. Sorry, not seeing that considering he's gone almost the entire time that he's off work and I never know where or what he's doing. He was also sure to point out that it feels as if I am forced to love my son because I had him and that many people had noticed it. Whatever.

He's just pissed because I'm leaving and haven't changed my mind. I guess this is his way of making me doubt myself? Who knows.

suki44883

I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about what he means when he's quacking. You have your plan, so it's best just to keep that moving and taking care of yourself and your son. You're doing fine. Once you get some independence, you'll do great!

inahaze

I try not to let him persuade me in my decisions, but I've obviously not done to well with it up til this point. I do feel better this time around with people helping me along the way, everyone is letting me make my own decisions they're mostly here to just listen. I like it.

coffeedrinker

from what you posted, it doesn't sound like the ol' thinker is very off.

trust in ourselves, when we have strayed so far and so often in the past, is difficult.

i think you're doing the right thing!

inahaze

I've back tracked on my decisions many times, always thinking with my heart. I never really wanted a divorce, I never wanted to live alone or truly be a single mom, but the truth of the matter is I've lived alone for most of our married life, raised the kids alone most of our married life and in a few months I'll be the primary bread winner as well.

So in a way it's changing and in another not so much. I think it's more a realization for me that he's not fulfilled the role of a husband and I quit trying to fill the role of a wife some time ago.