duqld1717

Anyone find it exhausting to try to develop new relationships with people after you've survived and gotten free from a relationship with an Alcoholic? It took so much energy out of me that trying to get to know other people within friendships and relationships now seems like a choore. My interacting skills are shot and I just don't have any interest in learning about other people because I was a caretaker for so long with my XABF and I had so much focus on him that I now feel tapped out. I gave up so much of myself that I'm just all about me now and getting to know other people doesn't hold my interest. I just feel drained and bored in regards to my social skills. I guess when you step off the rollercoaster, life seems slower. Definately more sane, but slower in a GOOD way. Thoughts/suggestions?

passionfruit

Focus on yourself a while.

Give yourself time to heal.

When you're ready, you will find your way there.

duqld1717

Hey Leise....thanks for the very insightful post. I can relate to you when you said you felt like you were better than your ex. I felt this way as well. He seemed so lost and the codie in me wanted to help him at any cost even if that meant giving up my own needs. I felt safe because I also thought he would never leave me. Well, he never left me but he did pick fights with me alot so he could have an excuse to break up with me and cheat and then would come crawling and crying back to me and I accepted this behavior.

The only thing that differs me from you i think is that I have NO DESIRE what so ever to be around another person. Even if I'm feeling bad about myself or my situation, I still do not want anyone in my life. Like you said, when you are feeling bored you look to someone else to make you feel better. For me, I feel so tapped out from taking care of my ex, I enjoy the quiet and being alone for once. Having other people around are a drag to me because then I have to talk and interact with them and I seriously have no patience or energy anymore. Then I think, I may be missing out on meeting some really great people because of the way I feel, but I literally have no strength to go out and meet them. I'm hoping one day at a time, my interpersonal skills will come back and I won't feel so socially incapable anymore.

PurpleWilder

Oh my goodness, this is SO where I have been for years.

My whole childhood revolved around the needs of a self-involved, hypochondriac mother. Her feelings, her body, her needs, her "illnesses", her issues - HER all the time. Then I went and married an alcoholic - same problem, different person.

Now I am just too exhausted with it all to bother most of the time but I am torn. On the one hand, I do get awfully lonely for companionship {of both genders } but when I look around and see what constitutes acceptable behavior these days I think maybe I am better off. So I don't know where I am going to end up on this one. I was always the type to want a 5 really good friends than 100 people I only kinda know.

Don't know where I am going from here on this one but thanks for bringing it up. I have some thinking to do.

duqld1717

Thanks Leise. I do suppose in some way I am afraid of being around new people because I am afraid of having to start over and let myself feel again. Letting yourself fall in love again is scary after you've felt so violated in the past. Alcoholics do a good job of turning the love that you have for them and twisting into something sick and betraying. So sick that your idea of love and relationships is warped. Day by day I am trying to love myself again so that one day hopefully I can love someone who deserves me and the love I have to give.

Cyranoak

If I'm ever single again I'm going to fall madly in love with the first boring woman I meet, and run like hell from any woman that seems "exciting, funny, or the life of the party."

TakingCharge999

LOL Cyranoak
Thanks for the laugh.
Great thread.
Yes I too feel exhausted.
But I have to be very careful not to confuse "me time" with hiding.
I am also going through that "finally it will be about ME" stage.
I have managed to make a couple of new friendships, those are the kind of people that get it and move slowly and are OK if you don't call or meet up in weeks or months.

duqld1717

Just last week I finally had the balls to tell a man the truth about myself. My friends wanted to set me up with a guy that they knew and I agreed ONLY to meet up with him casually in a group. Well, we all met up for dinner and we chatted and he asked me out for a one on one date. My honest answer: I would love to but I am just not ready to date. I just got out of an abusive relationship with an Alcoholic. It hurt to admit that. It hurt to say that out loud to a stranger. I felt embarrased and I felt bad about myself but it felt good to not hide my real feelings anymore. It felt good to not hide in general.
His reply: You could get any guy you want, why would you stay with someone so abusive to you? WOW. Wake up call. He was right. Why did I stay? I didn't like myself. I had no self-esteem. Day by day I am learning to love myself so someone else can love me.

duqld1717

I recently bought the book Codependent No More. I have been reading it and cannot put it down. The whole book is very insightful but there was one sentence in the section about Expectations that made me say WOW. It is "expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people is futile". That was exactly what I was doing with everyone in my life. I expected unhealthy people to treat me well and they never could and I was dissapointed every time. Now, I have a choice like Leise says. I can choose to not accept that kind of behavior. If someone is treating me unhealthy its usually because THEY ARE UNHEALTHY. Its as simple as that. I use to get so many mixed messages from people when they would treat me bad. I couldn't understand why. I thought it had to be my fault. Now, its clear as glass to me. People will eventually show you who they are if you let them. Its my job to tune in and really open my eyes and ears and listen.