I've failed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 122
I've failed
Don't know what else to do but blog about this while I'm doing it.
Just walked out of an AA meeting and bought a bottle of wine on the way home.
What the hell is going on? I don't get it. I just don't understand.
Not celebrating anything. Not feeling good about it. Hating myself for doing it but there is just some kind of hunger right in my middle constantly craving and nothing else will relieve it.
I guess part of the problem I have (and I mean me, not AA) is that AA is so non-judgemental and forgiving that I know I can have a drink tonight, then go to AA and admit it and be honest and no-one will think any the less of me. They will probably congratulate me for still coming back and admitting it.
So I can pretend that this is a one off, part of the recovery. I can pretend that tomorrow I will feel so bad that next time I get this urge I will remember this and think twice.
I've been fooling myself like this for over 12 years now and I still keep doing it.
At least I've started so late that by the time I finish this one, I won't be able to get another. Trouble is, I know that if I could, I would and if that is the case then there is no real difference between buying one or not. The fact that I don't because I can't is meaningless.
Hah! After I typed the paragraph above, I went and bought another bottle because the minute I had the first glass, I stopped pretending I wanted to relieve the feeling and accepted that I want to get drunk.
Guess I start the whole process again tomorrow. If anyone reading this is getting tempted, I'd do pretty much anything now to take back that first glass because I know now that nothing is going to happen except oblivion then pain and guilt tomorrow. ****, I'll probably have some wine left and drink in the morning.
Sorry for such a negative post but I had to get this out.
Paul
Just walked out of an AA meeting and bought a bottle of wine on the way home.
What the hell is going on? I don't get it. I just don't understand.
Not celebrating anything. Not feeling good about it. Hating myself for doing it but there is just some kind of hunger right in my middle constantly craving and nothing else will relieve it.
I guess part of the problem I have (and I mean me, not AA) is that AA is so non-judgemental and forgiving that I know I can have a drink tonight, then go to AA and admit it and be honest and no-one will think any the less of me. They will probably congratulate me for still coming back and admitting it.
So I can pretend that this is a one off, part of the recovery. I can pretend that tomorrow I will feel so bad that next time I get this urge I will remember this and think twice.
I've been fooling myself like this for over 12 years now and I still keep doing it.
At least I've started so late that by the time I finish this one, I won't be able to get another. Trouble is, I know that if I could, I would and if that is the case then there is no real difference between buying one or not. The fact that I don't because I can't is meaningless.
Hah! After I typed the paragraph above, I went and bought another bottle because the minute I had the first glass, I stopped pretending I wanted to relieve the feeling and accepted that I want to get drunk.
Guess I start the whole process again tomorrow. If anyone reading this is getting tempted, I'd do pretty much anything now to take back that first glass because I know now that nothing is going to happen except oblivion then pain and guilt tomorrow. ****, I'll probably have some wine left and drink in the morning.
Sorry for such a negative post but I had to get this out.
Paul
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Why not pour out the wine and go to another AA meeting. You can't get better if you keep drinking. Relapsing is not a part of recovery, it is a part of addiction. If you're not ready to quit drinking, then you're just not ready. When you are ready, nothing will stand in your way. It still won't be easy, but you'll be determined and will go to any lengths NOT to drink.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I remember going out to buy a second bottle of wine, after having one drink from the first bottle. Yikes! If that doesn't say it all!
This is just my opinion, but I think you need to decide you don't want to hurt yourself anymore, that you deserve a good life and you will do whatever you need to do to achieve that.
This is just my opinion, but I think you need to decide you don't want to hurt yourself anymore, that you deserve a good life and you will do whatever you need to do to achieve that.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi Paul
You're not a failure. Many of us falter.
I think it's a natural reaction for many people...doing something new, comtemplating change, makes us unsettled and nervous...and what do we tend to do when we feel unsettled and nervous?
It doesn't mean it's the right thing to do though. Turn your mistake around now.
Tip out the rest.
The more you work on your recovery, the less unsettled you'll feel Paul. Give it a chance
D
You're not a failure. Many of us falter.
I think it's a natural reaction for many people...doing something new, comtemplating change, makes us unsettled and nervous...and what do we tend to do when we feel unsettled and nervous?
It doesn't mean it's the right thing to do though. Turn your mistake around now.
Tip out the rest.
The more you work on your recovery, the less unsettled you'll feel Paul. Give it a chance
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
I've been exactly where you are so many times, the only thing I can suggest is to try and remember why you wanted to quit in the first place, just never give up on trying.
Sometimes years go by after I relapse before that "Window" opens again...
Sometimes years go by after I relapse before that "Window" opens again...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,911
You haven't failed until you stop trying. Tomorrow is another day. A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. Keep taking the steps in the right direction and eventually you will get there. Do you have a sponsor in AA?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,235
Nothing in this world could stop me from
taking that first of many drinks during my
drinking career. I tried countless times to
quit on my own vowing to never touch it
again to only many many times.
It was during my 28 day stay in rehab that
I picked up the tools and knowledge of my
alcoholism that I learned that I needed help
and that I didnt have to learn to stay sober
on my own.
Belong to a community of members that are
alcoholics like me and riding the coattails of
many who have stayed sober for a many one
days at a time helped me to stay sober for 20
yrs. so far.
For all those yrs. I learned from them until I
was strong enough to stand on my own and
in turn have allowed others to do the same
with me as I continue passing on those tools
and knowledge of recovery that was so freely
passed on to me.
I still need those members before me as well
as the newer members just walking in the doors
looking for help.
It's a continues progress that keeps us sober
a day at a time.
taking that first of many drinks during my
drinking career. I tried countless times to
quit on my own vowing to never touch it
again to only many many times.
It was during my 28 day stay in rehab that
I picked up the tools and knowledge of my
alcoholism that I learned that I needed help
and that I didnt have to learn to stay sober
on my own.
Belong to a community of members that are
alcoholics like me and riding the coattails of
many who have stayed sober for a many one
days at a time helped me to stay sober for 20
yrs. so far.
For all those yrs. I learned from them until I
was strong enough to stand on my own and
in turn have allowed others to do the same
with me as I continue passing on those tools
and knowledge of recovery that was so freely
passed on to me.
I still need those members before me as well
as the newer members just walking in the doors
looking for help.
It's a continues progress that keeps us sober
a day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step...
I wear a ring that is inscribed with that (very small) LOL. I 'always' where it just to remember not to forget.
Paul, I had a funny feeling when reading about the store being closed and it being too late to get more because I would have done the same thing in 'pausing' and running out to get more.
Ya know...maybe its just not your time yet...maybe you aren't just there yet...maybe you want to stop more than quit...maybe it will be better next time.
But ya can't quit if you still have booze next to you. You can do one of two things...pour it out and start over or drink it and have feeling and thoughts over your actions.
You have to CHOOSE not to drink. AA is there for support either way but they can't MAKE you stop. I wish you the best tonight...not an easy decision.
I wear a ring that is inscribed with that (very small) LOL. I 'always' where it just to remember not to forget.
Paul, I had a funny feeling when reading about the store being closed and it being too late to get more because I would have done the same thing in 'pausing' and running out to get more.
Ya know...maybe its just not your time yet...maybe you aren't just there yet...maybe you want to stop more than quit...maybe it will be better next time.
But ya can't quit if you still have booze next to you. You can do one of two things...pour it out and start over or drink it and have feeling and thoughts over your actions.
You have to CHOOSE not to drink. AA is there for support either way but they can't MAKE you stop. I wish you the best tonight...not an easy decision.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hey Paul....I've been there many times so I feel your pain. I can't judge you and I can't hold you accountable...God knows I would have liked that myself when I was where you are.
Am I reading you right that you have been going to AA for 12 years or was this your first AA meeting?
I'm not going to ask you to pour out what you have because I know I wouldn't have done it...but maybe before you go to bed you could pour it out so you don't drink in the morning.
Hugs...LaFemme
Am I reading you right that you have been going to AA for 12 years or was this your first AA meeting?
I'm not going to ask you to pour out what you have because I know I wouldn't have done it...but maybe before you go to bed you could pour it out so you don't drink in the morning.
Hugs...LaFemme
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Woodbridge Virginia
Posts: 67
You don't have control over your recovery right now the alcohol does.And until you completely surrender it always will.You're trying to justify drinking by saying"AA is so non-judgemental" so basically that is giving you an excuse to drink.We are the one's who make the conscious decision to drink .You are still making excuses when you said "at least I've started so late that by the time I finish,I won't be able to get another."Until you get honest with yourself and know you can never have another drink this is just going to continue.Try another AA meeting. You can do this!We all know how difficult this is but the rewards are so much more. And keep posting there is a wealth of support here!
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I can totally relate to your post. I remember the feeling well! AA is not for me but I can remember just feeling that relapse was the way to have my cake and eat it too. I was still 'working on it' but still able to get drunk.
Totally dysfunctional thinking.
It was a real leap of faith to stop 'no matter what' and believe that I would truly be happier if I never drank again. It was the only way I got over the hump.
Totally dysfunctional thinking.
It was a real leap of faith to stop 'no matter what' and believe that I would truly be happier if I never drank again. It was the only way I got over the hump.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 270
Originally Posted by SoberRightNow 
Just walked out of an AA meeting and bought a bottle of wine on the way home...
I guess part of the problem I have (and I mean me, not AA) is that AA is so non-judgemental and forgiving that I know I can have a drink tonight, then go to AA and admit it and be honest and no-one will think any the less of me. They will probably congratulate me for still coming back and admitting it...
I've been fooling myself like this for over 12 years now and I still keep doing it.
I guess part of the problem I have (and I mean me, not AA) is that AA is so non-judgemental and forgiving that I know I can have a drink tonight, then go to AA and admit it and be honest and no-one will think any the less of me. They will probably congratulate me for still coming back and admitting it...
I've been fooling myself like this for over 12 years now and I still keep doing it.
More of the same is probably going to produce more of the same, no?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
I don't know...it is kind of like being raised Catholic...I could go out and raise hell all weekend..do unspeakable things as long as I hit confession. I think I even left things out telling the priest!..Once forgiven I had a new slate to start my hell raising all over for another week! Twisted. Bass Ackwards bad.
Not too far of a stretch from you drinking knowing the good people at AA will forgive you.
I am not an AA person. I see that they have helped alot of people stay sober. For me..I had to take a good look at myself..and without going into a drunkalog..I have 3 times in all the years I was drinking that I did STUPID things and I am still wondering how I lived through them. I finally took a good look and knew that even though I lived thru some dangerous stupid things..I was still slowly killing myself. Maybe it would help if you make a good honest list of the things you did while drinking that you regret. I did that..and some stuff came into my mind that I had forgotten about. Bad part about it..some of my actions resulted in hurting others. The first month or so if I had the fleeting thought to drink..I would pull that out and it confirmed that I can no longer drink. I hope this helps. Not everybody gets more chances.
Not too far of a stretch from you drinking knowing the good people at AA will forgive you.
I am not an AA person. I see that they have helped alot of people stay sober. For me..I had to take a good look at myself..and without going into a drunkalog..I have 3 times in all the years I was drinking that I did STUPID things and I am still wondering how I lived through them. I finally took a good look and knew that even though I lived thru some dangerous stupid things..I was still slowly killing myself. Maybe it would help if you make a good honest list of the things you did while drinking that you regret. I did that..and some stuff came into my mind that I had forgotten about. Bad part about it..some of my actions resulted in hurting others. The first month or so if I had the fleeting thought to drink..I would pull that out and it confirmed that I can no longer drink. I hope this helps. Not everybody gets more chances.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
I am so sorry and your post makes me feel very sad for you, but I
do understand, I really do.
I have had that urge like you spoke about, gone to the liquor store, bought
the wine, put it in my backpack and attended the AA meeting knowing it was in there all during the meeting. I wanted to cry out during the meeting,
please someone take this alcohol away from me right now! But of course
I didn't and the only thing that kept me in the seat that time, was knowing
the alcohol was there and I was going to go home and drink it. Then I'd
drink more to punish myself for my awfulness. Horrible, horrible times.
You don't have to do this to yourself anymore. Call someone from your group
and maybe have them come over to help you break your drinking right now.
No judgement from me at all. Good on you for coming here and telling us
what you are going through.
do understand, I really do.
I have had that urge like you spoke about, gone to the liquor store, bought
the wine, put it in my backpack and attended the AA meeting knowing it was in there all during the meeting. I wanted to cry out during the meeting,
please someone take this alcohol away from me right now! But of course
I didn't and the only thing that kept me in the seat that time, was knowing
the alcohol was there and I was going to go home and drink it. Then I'd
drink more to punish myself for my awfulness. Horrible, horrible times.
You don't have to do this to yourself anymore. Call someone from your group
and maybe have them come over to help you break your drinking right now.
No judgement from me at all. Good on you for coming here and telling us
what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 5
You're here, Paul, and I know I'm reiterating what you said about it being acceptable to falter and simply return right away.
It shows me that you respect yourself, but perhaps you don't recognize it or see how you do.
What things make you feel good about yourself, besides alcohol? Answer this question when sober and do so thoroughly. Then pursue those things. Continue with your meetings. Never lose touch with your path to recovery, and eventually you will find that the road becomes easier to travel as long as you aren't too hard on yourself when you take an accidental turn. Remember that the path to recovery is always there; falling off doesn't mean you can't get back on. You know this! Don't get down on yourself, but go feel the consequences. Don't dwell on the fact that you are starting over; focus on the goal.
The opportunity to recover will always be there. It will never go away. But you are the only thing that can bring you closer to it, and you are the only thing that can stop it from happening, and yet - somehow, and as with ALL of us - you probably don't consider yourself capable of making the decision. You will find the strength you had to visit the AA meeting in the first place and as long as you take a valuable lesson from this occurrence, it will build, and eventually you will fly down that road to recovery.
I like to think of recovery and sobriety not as something that is being pushed on me, but something that I am hiding from, something positive that I have yet to grab for myself because I am afraid of being alone, being without immediate comfort. Enduring some pain in this regard has ALWAYS brought about positive returns, though do not forget that the good stuff doesn't come until later and it's essentially invisible until you reach it. Much in the same way that the path to relapse hardly seems dark until you are too far along to turn back.
The choice is yours, the help is available, and no one is incapable of recovery. Take your time if you need it. But don't worry. Don't let your actions control who you are; remember that the bottle of wine is a mistake, but one you chose to make, and one you are just as capable of choosing not to make... that you will abstain from. Perhaps not tonight, maybe not even tomorrow. But keep on the path, Paul. You'll get there.
It shows me that you respect yourself, but perhaps you don't recognize it or see how you do.
What things make you feel good about yourself, besides alcohol? Answer this question when sober and do so thoroughly. Then pursue those things. Continue with your meetings. Never lose touch with your path to recovery, and eventually you will find that the road becomes easier to travel as long as you aren't too hard on yourself when you take an accidental turn. Remember that the path to recovery is always there; falling off doesn't mean you can't get back on. You know this! Don't get down on yourself, but go feel the consequences. Don't dwell on the fact that you are starting over; focus on the goal.
The opportunity to recover will always be there. It will never go away. But you are the only thing that can bring you closer to it, and you are the only thing that can stop it from happening, and yet - somehow, and as with ALL of us - you probably don't consider yourself capable of making the decision. You will find the strength you had to visit the AA meeting in the first place and as long as you take a valuable lesson from this occurrence, it will build, and eventually you will fly down that road to recovery.
I like to think of recovery and sobriety not as something that is being pushed on me, but something that I am hiding from, something positive that I have yet to grab for myself because I am afraid of being alone, being without immediate comfort. Enduring some pain in this regard has ALWAYS brought about positive returns, though do not forget that the good stuff doesn't come until later and it's essentially invisible until you reach it. Much in the same way that the path to relapse hardly seems dark until you are too far along to turn back.
The choice is yours, the help is available, and no one is incapable of recovery. Take your time if you need it. But don't worry. Don't let your actions control who you are; remember that the bottle of wine is a mistake, but one you chose to make, and one you are just as capable of choosing not to make... that you will abstain from. Perhaps not tonight, maybe not even tomorrow. But keep on the path, Paul. You'll get there.
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