Triggered
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Triggered
If that is a word. . .
New man came over today. I am still working on what is normal drinking because it is hard for me to be around much drinking-but I have a drink myself occasionally.
Yesterday the new man came over and reeked of cigarette smoke (on his clothes-he does not smoke). I told him I could not take it and that he really reeked and had to leave. He said he appreciated the honesty.
Today after work he stopped by for dinner (he was invited). He had gone out with his friends for a couple of beers. He definitely was not drunk. But he had the same coat on as last night and the smell of the cigarettes and beer put my brain into panic mode. My mom was a smoker and alcoholic. First husband was an alcoholic that hung out in bars and xah #2 did the same. I smell cigarette smoke and booze and I feel like a deer in the headlights and also it makes me feel physically ill. It also brings up a flood of emotions-none of them good.
So I was completely and totally honest with the new man and told him--I can't take it. Told him I knew he was not drunk or even tipsy--and had just had a couple beers with his friends and I really am OK with that and I have a couple glasses of wine with my friends once in a while. Anyway, I told him the smell was just triggering really bad feelings for me and that I started to feel overwhelmingly sad. He was just quiet and I thought-OK, this is going to be it. But it wasn't--he just took my hand and said he could respect that and that he would not come into my house smelling like that again, gave me a hug and left.
After he left I just felt sad because I really do like this guy and he seems pretty sincere and honest. It just took me by surprise how that combined smell just set my brain into full panic mode and really made me want to shove him out the door. We have been going out for close to 5 months now and it is the only time that has happened. I feel confused because these are my triggers and he is not my mom or ex-husbands--he is nothing like them.
I think my boundaries are pretty clear. I am confident that he is completely aware of my boundaries. I told him tonight that I could not stand that smell and would never be able to stand that smell. I also told him that I did not want that smell around my kids because that smell was the smell of trouble when we lived with their dad. It was also the smell of trouble when I was a child/teenager/adult and my mom was in full force alcoholic mode.
So all I could think after he left was cr**! My heart hurt because I like him a lot. I am trying to figure out--is this what a healthy relationship is? Is this why I feel confused? Because I was not lambasted with lies and excuses. I was not told this is your problem not mine. He did not tell me he would never go out for a beer with is friends.
I see this as me still trying to figure out what is normal and what is not. I am not feeling that oh sh**, I picked another one feeling. I am just feeling confused. Thoughts?
New man came over today. I am still working on what is normal drinking because it is hard for me to be around much drinking-but I have a drink myself occasionally.
Yesterday the new man came over and reeked of cigarette smoke (on his clothes-he does not smoke). I told him I could not take it and that he really reeked and had to leave. He said he appreciated the honesty.
Today after work he stopped by for dinner (he was invited). He had gone out with his friends for a couple of beers. He definitely was not drunk. But he had the same coat on as last night and the smell of the cigarettes and beer put my brain into panic mode. My mom was a smoker and alcoholic. First husband was an alcoholic that hung out in bars and xah #2 did the same. I smell cigarette smoke and booze and I feel like a deer in the headlights and also it makes me feel physically ill. It also brings up a flood of emotions-none of them good.
So I was completely and totally honest with the new man and told him--I can't take it. Told him I knew he was not drunk or even tipsy--and had just had a couple beers with his friends and I really am OK with that and I have a couple glasses of wine with my friends once in a while. Anyway, I told him the smell was just triggering really bad feelings for me and that I started to feel overwhelmingly sad. He was just quiet and I thought-OK, this is going to be it. But it wasn't--he just took my hand and said he could respect that and that he would not come into my house smelling like that again, gave me a hug and left.
After he left I just felt sad because I really do like this guy and he seems pretty sincere and honest. It just took me by surprise how that combined smell just set my brain into full panic mode and really made me want to shove him out the door. We have been going out for close to 5 months now and it is the only time that has happened. I feel confused because these are my triggers and he is not my mom or ex-husbands--he is nothing like them.
I think my boundaries are pretty clear. I am confident that he is completely aware of my boundaries. I told him tonight that I could not stand that smell and would never be able to stand that smell. I also told him that I did not want that smell around my kids because that smell was the smell of trouble when we lived with their dad. It was also the smell of trouble when I was a child/teenager/adult and my mom was in full force alcoholic mode.
So all I could think after he left was cr**! My heart hurt because I like him a lot. I am trying to figure out--is this what a healthy relationship is? Is this why I feel confused? Because I was not lambasted with lies and excuses. I was not told this is your problem not mine. He did not tell me he would never go out for a beer with is friends.
I see this as me still trying to figure out what is normal and what is not. I am not feeling that oh sh**, I picked another one feeling. I am just feeling confused. Thoughts?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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HoopNinja-Smells and sounds that don't mean much to "normies" trigger us like no one can ever know, even the A's in our lives.
With you, it's the smell of tobacco smoke and beer; with me, it's the sound of a can opening and I know the difference between a soda can and beer can opening. Hearing that first one open spelled trouble and to this day, no canned pop is allowed in my place for hat very reason.
What you did took courage to do and following your gut is usually the best course of action.
Sounds like your new guy has a lot of respect for your feelings if he said he wouldn't do that again.
No blame game, no yelling, no resentments, just an "OK, I won't do that again" which is part and parcel of a more normal relationship, a good thing now, another thing to be taken a step and day at a time.
With you, it's the smell of tobacco smoke and beer; with me, it's the sound of a can opening and I know the difference between a soda can and beer can opening. Hearing that first one open spelled trouble and to this day, no canned pop is allowed in my place for hat very reason.
What you did took courage to do and following your gut is usually the best course of action.
Sounds like your new guy has a lot of respect for your feelings if he said he wouldn't do that again.
No blame game, no yelling, no resentments, just an "OK, I won't do that again" which is part and parcel of a more normal relationship, a good thing now, another thing to be taken a step and day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Baltimore MD
Posts: 67
I can relate. I live in a metro city and have to take public transportation to and from work. Today was the worst since its St. Patrick's Day it was a 45 min bus ride of putrid alcohol smell all the way. I realized a few weeks back that the smell of any form of alcohol just makes my stomach turn after all these years of dealing with my AH.
I believe our HP lets everything happen for a reason and in our stillness we can hear our HP's voice. Try to relax and I'm sure you'll get a better understanding of what happened. Please don't stress yourself out with unpleasant memories and future worries. Let Go and Let God. Betcha He knows what you don't...
P.S.. You did real good at setting your boundaries and expressing yourself..
I believe our HP lets everything happen for a reason and in our stillness we can hear our HP's voice. Try to relax and I'm sure you'll get a better understanding of what happened. Please don't stress yourself out with unpleasant memories and future worries. Let Go and Let God. Betcha He knows what you don't...
P.S.. You did real good at setting your boundaries and expressing yourself..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Thanks everyone.
It was an unusual night. He called me shortly after I posted and told me he was sorry he had not thought of that (and honestly, why would he). He told me his coat was in the washer as we spoke and he would be more careful about being around his friends that smoke and if around them would go home and change clothes and take a shower. Then he just paused and said he hoped this was not going to change the direction of our relationship and that he still cared for me a lot. I told him no-but the door to honesty would always be open.
As for the door to honesty-something else happened last night before he came over to him and he came over to my house because he felt safe talking to me about it. He has not been able to get all of it out--just that something had happened that just dumped a wave of emotions over him that he was having a hard time handling and that this had only happened to him 2 other times in his life. He said it was not a bad thing-it was just a reaction that he had that just hit him out of nowhere--but not really-more of a combination of things that made him feel very emotional. I am not totally sure what it is because he said he just needed to process it. Then I realized he had called me at work 3 times yesterday. He never calls me at work. We played phone tag after work and when I finally reached him he asked if he could come over right away. He tried to talk about it but every time he got close to what I think it was he would start to cry and his voice would break and then he would try to stop himself. He told me he had come over because he felt safe with me and he knew I would not judge him for being so emotional.
When he called last night to tell me about the coat and that he was hoping this was not going to change things and we could still pursue the relationship he also told me that this relationship is very different for him also. He is not a wear his heart on his sleeve kind of guy and I have noticed that he holds onto his emotions pretty tightly. He told me when he called that he has never been able to talk to people when he becomes emotional--he just processes it himself--but that yesterday, when it hit him all he wanted to do was come over and talk to me about it--for the first time he did not feel embarassed about showing all of his emotions. He said that it was confusing for him because it was scary but it also felt good. So he had some confused emotions going on last night too.
I had 2 reactions to that--this is good. The open and honest approach we are taking has been good both ways. OR, is he seeing the codie in me that I am not seeing--the caretaker. So I thought back and said-nope--I have not been doing that. I have intentionally not done the mother hen thing, the taking care of business thing, the that is alright when things are not alright thing. He cooks as much as I do. When he jokingly told me I should wash his coat last night I told him-not funny. If you want to wash your coat the machine is downstairs. He has backed off when I asked him to back off and slowed down when I asked him to slow down. He has listened to what I have told him about his place in my kids's lives.
OK, just rambling train of thought stuff going on here.
There are many things I really like about this relationship--the main thing being the door to honesty being thrown wide open and my complete lack of hesitation to tell him what is going on in my brain pan and it also goes the other way. He has told me why he has been hesitant to move too fast (and slow really works great for me right now). He too has been hurt in relationships because he has let things go on that he knew at the time were not good-but he just ignored them. Hmmmm, sounds familiar to me. Normalizing what is not normal.
So for now--I will let go and let God. I will just see where this goes and how both of us can handle working on a relationship based on mutual trust, honesty and respect (going both ways)--and the trust part is hard for me but I think it is also hard for him.
Life was so much easier when I went out with drunks-I could just walk in and fall into all my bad codie habits and it was so comfortable I did not even have to think--nope, I think those days are over. And good-bye to them. I am liking how my recovery is spilling over into the rest of my life-albeit quite uncomfortable to be swimming in uncharted waters sometimes. It helps that I am keeping things slow--this helps me to NOT go to where things feel safe but really are not.
It was an unusual night. He called me shortly after I posted and told me he was sorry he had not thought of that (and honestly, why would he). He told me his coat was in the washer as we spoke and he would be more careful about being around his friends that smoke and if around them would go home and change clothes and take a shower. Then he just paused and said he hoped this was not going to change the direction of our relationship and that he still cared for me a lot. I told him no-but the door to honesty would always be open.
As for the door to honesty-something else happened last night before he came over to him and he came over to my house because he felt safe talking to me about it. He has not been able to get all of it out--just that something had happened that just dumped a wave of emotions over him that he was having a hard time handling and that this had only happened to him 2 other times in his life. He said it was not a bad thing-it was just a reaction that he had that just hit him out of nowhere--but not really-more of a combination of things that made him feel very emotional. I am not totally sure what it is because he said he just needed to process it. Then I realized he had called me at work 3 times yesterday. He never calls me at work. We played phone tag after work and when I finally reached him he asked if he could come over right away. He tried to talk about it but every time he got close to what I think it was he would start to cry and his voice would break and then he would try to stop himself. He told me he had come over because he felt safe with me and he knew I would not judge him for being so emotional.
When he called last night to tell me about the coat and that he was hoping this was not going to change things and we could still pursue the relationship he also told me that this relationship is very different for him also. He is not a wear his heart on his sleeve kind of guy and I have noticed that he holds onto his emotions pretty tightly. He told me when he called that he has never been able to talk to people when he becomes emotional--he just processes it himself--but that yesterday, when it hit him all he wanted to do was come over and talk to me about it--for the first time he did not feel embarassed about showing all of his emotions. He said that it was confusing for him because it was scary but it also felt good. So he had some confused emotions going on last night too.
I had 2 reactions to that--this is good. The open and honest approach we are taking has been good both ways. OR, is he seeing the codie in me that I am not seeing--the caretaker. So I thought back and said-nope--I have not been doing that. I have intentionally not done the mother hen thing, the taking care of business thing, the that is alright when things are not alright thing. He cooks as much as I do. When he jokingly told me I should wash his coat last night I told him-not funny. If you want to wash your coat the machine is downstairs. He has backed off when I asked him to back off and slowed down when I asked him to slow down. He has listened to what I have told him about his place in my kids's lives.
OK, just rambling train of thought stuff going on here.
There are many things I really like about this relationship--the main thing being the door to honesty being thrown wide open and my complete lack of hesitation to tell him what is going on in my brain pan and it also goes the other way. He has told me why he has been hesitant to move too fast (and slow really works great for me right now). He too has been hurt in relationships because he has let things go on that he knew at the time were not good-but he just ignored them. Hmmmm, sounds familiar to me. Normalizing what is not normal.
So for now--I will let go and let God. I will just see where this goes and how both of us can handle working on a relationship based on mutual trust, honesty and respect (going both ways)--and the trust part is hard for me but I think it is also hard for him.
Life was so much easier when I went out with drunks-I could just walk in and fall into all my bad codie habits and it was so comfortable I did not even have to think--nope, I think those days are over. And good-bye to them. I am liking how my recovery is spilling over into the rest of my life-albeit quite uncomfortable to be swimming in uncharted waters sometimes. It helps that I am keeping things slow--this helps me to NOT go to where things feel safe but really are not.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Studies have shown that sounds and smells are surprisingly powerful when helping remember things. You will remember things you never thought you'd remember if you're near something you smelled, or hear something you heard, when it was happening.
So the smell thing is not unusual.
I would say as far as feelings are concerned - so many people in life bottle up their feelings and don't let them out. Perhaps he feels comfortable with you because you have been open with him, so you have already shown that you will not judge him or mock him for his feelings, because you are trusting him with yours.
It's what people do, not what they say, that shows what they really mean. You are walking your talk, and being yourself, unashamed and honest.
I would say you are doing great things, and learning so much, and I am so happy for you!
So the smell thing is not unusual.
I would say as far as feelings are concerned - so many people in life bottle up their feelings and don't let them out. Perhaps he feels comfortable with you because you have been open with him, so you have already shown that you will not judge him or mock him for his feelings, because you are trusting him with yours.
It's what people do, not what they say, that shows what they really mean. You are walking your talk, and being yourself, unashamed and honest.
I would say you are doing great things, and learning so much, and I am so happy for you!
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