Recover...again :/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Recover...again :/
Although im not new to drinking nor recovery, im new to this forum, so may i say hello to you all and i hope you are all ok
I hope i will find here some support i cannot find in my life.
I state myself as an alcoholic but noone believes me.
Sometimes i drink every day 2-3 beers(+more, usually i just cant stop), sometimes just one and there will be one day where i would not have a drink at all. People do not see that as alcoholism, but i do. Cause when i get home im angry and i start destroying stuff etc. Noone knows about that cause im embaressed to tell.
I suffer from OCD-Depression and i see supressed anger in me. What a combo huh? When i started my medication i quit drinking for 8 months (hooray!) only to start again once i got off my meds (no reason, just got off).
I am going through a really rough patch latley and it is going to be rough for a looooong loooong time (this is a fact).
I am almost sure i will not stop drinking, i dont know what to do, i want to start my meds again but my stupid head wont let me:/
Every "next day" of a bad drunk night i try to forgive myself to get rid of the guilt and tell myself "its ok, you slipped, today you will not drink" and every night i have that first-and-last-after-that-i-will-go-home- beer. And it starts all over again.
So far i have managed to make the guilt a bit lighter and build a liiiittle confidence but not enough to stop. My two dogs at home sometimes pay the results of drunk nights, i feel horrible. This makes me not to want to have kids ever. I feel useless, stupid, angry, mean, awful person, monster. My friends dont believe im an alcoholic and im afraid to tell them about the anger bursts.
I had anger bursts before but not this bad, i usually just cried my night away. Now an issue occured in my life that makes me so mad and of course the only way to make it go away is to drink? No. Funny thing is i dont want to drink to forget, i ve been there done that it doesnt work, i just drink. I hate drinking while im drinking, i hate it afterwards i hate it before and still i cannot stop.
I am rambling, sorry but i feel like ...aaaarghhhh!
Thanking if you made it till here
I hope i will find here some support i cannot find in my life.
I state myself as an alcoholic but noone believes me.
Sometimes i drink every day 2-3 beers(+more, usually i just cant stop), sometimes just one and there will be one day where i would not have a drink at all. People do not see that as alcoholism, but i do. Cause when i get home im angry and i start destroying stuff etc. Noone knows about that cause im embaressed to tell.
I suffer from OCD-Depression and i see supressed anger in me. What a combo huh? When i started my medication i quit drinking for 8 months (hooray!) only to start again once i got off my meds (no reason, just got off).
I am going through a really rough patch latley and it is going to be rough for a looooong loooong time (this is a fact).
I am almost sure i will not stop drinking, i dont know what to do, i want to start my meds again but my stupid head wont let me:/
Every "next day" of a bad drunk night i try to forgive myself to get rid of the guilt and tell myself "its ok, you slipped, today you will not drink" and every night i have that first-and-last-after-that-i-will-go-home- beer. And it starts all over again.
So far i have managed to make the guilt a bit lighter and build a liiiittle confidence but not enough to stop. My two dogs at home sometimes pay the results of drunk nights, i feel horrible. This makes me not to want to have kids ever. I feel useless, stupid, angry, mean, awful person, monster. My friends dont believe im an alcoholic and im afraid to tell them about the anger bursts.
I had anger bursts before but not this bad, i usually just cried my night away. Now an issue occured in my life that makes me so mad and of course the only way to make it go away is to drink? No. Funny thing is i dont want to drink to forget, i ve been there done that it doesnt work, i just drink. I hate drinking while im drinking, i hate it afterwards i hate it before and still i cannot stop.
I am rambling, sorry but i feel like ...aaaarghhhh!
Thanking if you made it till here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Sorry for double posting i cant find an edit button, which is come to think of it, reasonable.
I have tried telling my friends not to give me a drink(unfortuantly at my work i can find alcohol) but of course it ends up with me drinking and telling my friends "oh forget about what i said. I have one friend who effectevly make me not drink but he is not here now:/ The rest cannot stop me. On the other hand i dont want to take them through this.
Isnt making friends tell you stuff a bad approach?
Should i tell my friends about the anger outbursts so they will believe me that i am an alcoholic and take me serious?
I have tried telling my friends not to give me a drink(unfortuantly at my work i can find alcohol) but of course it ends up with me drinking and telling my friends "oh forget about what i said. I have one friend who effectevly make me not drink but he is not here now:/ The rest cannot stop me. On the other hand i dont want to take them through this.
Isnt making friends tell you stuff a bad approach?
Should i tell my friends about the anger outbursts so they will believe me that i am an alcoholic and take me serious?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
It's not important at all as to whether your friends believe your an alcoholic or not and no, you should not put it on them to stop you from drinking.
If you believe you're an alcoholic, that's all that matters.
If you were on meds that were helping for depression (as I am) I'm not sure why you would decide to stop taking them. I needed to be treated for depression in order to recover.
If you believe you're an alcoholic, that's all that matters.
If you were on meds that were helping for depression (as I am) I'm not sure why you would decide to stop taking them. I needed to be treated for depression in order to recover.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Thanks, i'll try not to bother my friends again. It does make me feel weak too.
I was on meds for depression and ocd. I stopped cause "im cured!" ....how stupid is that? just when the meds started working, i gave up. This is the second time i have stopped my meds. When i was on my meds and off alcohol everything was great! Even when bad things happened, things were normal, know what i mean?
I miss that and i want it back.
What do you do when you are tempted to drink? Those 3 seconds before you say the phrase "may i have a beer please?" I just get angry and go for it as if im just used to it...
I'll try asking for a water next time or just go home.
I was on meds for depression and ocd. I stopped cause "im cured!" ....how stupid is that? just when the meds started working, i gave up. This is the second time i have stopped my meds. When i was on my meds and off alcohol everything was great! Even when bad things happened, things were normal, know what i mean?
I miss that and i want it back.
What do you do when you are tempted to drink? Those 3 seconds before you say the phrase "may i have a beer please?" I just get angry and go for it as if im just used to it...
I'll try asking for a water next time or just go home.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Welcome!! I would say that at this point you shouldn't worry about whether your friends believe you or not. Only YOU know if you are or aren't an alcoholic. And I think if you start drinking and can't stop, you probably have a problem. A lot of people in my life don't really believe I'm an alcoholic and for a long time that helped me trick myself into believing I wasn't. I think that a lot of people are just in denial and in some of the cases in my life, the people who didn't believe didn't want to take a closer look at themselves. Right now you need to avoid those kind of situations with your friends and get help for yourself. The anger issue is a pretty common thing for alcoholics--I know I have done so much tossing furniture around and made holes in my kitchen walls.
I would also suggest not telling your friends to keep you from drinking. I have done that with my husband before and not only does it not work, but it's not fair to the person who has to take that job. It puts them in a really hard position and ultimately, it's our responsibility to avoid those kind of situations.
I think that you being on here is a wonderful first start! I'm new here too, and already I have found so much support! Just do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF to get healthy. That's my opinion at least...
Good luck to you and I hope to see you around here!
I would also suggest not telling your friends to keep you from drinking. I have done that with my husband before and not only does it not work, but it's not fair to the person who has to take that job. It puts them in a really hard position and ultimately, it's our responsibility to avoid those kind of situations.
I think that you being on here is a wonderful first start! I'm new here too, and already I have found so much support! Just do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF to get healthy. That's my opinion at least...
Good luck to you and I hope to see you around here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Heay !thanks for the welcoming!
Good thing is i am totally sure i am an alcoholic and i do agree that it is what matters.
Fortunantley the telling my friends to make me stop, was a thing i did in the past. I stopped cause of the reasons you stated above, its not fair and it doesnt work in the long run. I am just so desperate now, i asked maybe it is a tactic or something.
I too hope i will find help and spport in here (and i am already on it) and maybe by stating and countng the days, it will help us go on!
Thank you and good luck to you too!
Good thing is i am totally sure i am an alcoholic and i do agree that it is what matters.
Fortunantley the telling my friends to make me stop, was a thing i did in the past. I stopped cause of the reasons you stated above, its not fair and it doesnt work in the long run. I am just so desperate now, i asked maybe it is a tactic or something.
I too hope i will find help and spport in here (and i am already on it) and maybe by stating and countng the days, it will help us go on!
Thank you and good luck to you too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Critter, welcome to SR. People that know me including my drs told me I ws not alcoholic and people in recovery have also said I'm not a "real alcoholic" but I had a drinking problem a bad one. I was a miserable person for many years but I lived alone so people didn't see the damage I did to myself when I was alone. Most of us when we decide to stop drinking have to stay away from people and places where we regularly drink at least in the early months of sobriety. I was on meds for depression for 10+ yrs and I drank the whole time and although the meds helped some I was still depressed, when I finally quit drinking and started the my recovery process my depression began to lift and within about 2 yrs I was able to ween myself off the anti-depressants completely, I'm no longer depressed-I still have many of the same issues that seemed to have been the basis for the depression but now the sober me has tools to deal with those issues instead of trying to drown them in a bottle. You should form a plan for yourself to deal with not drinking and recovering, reading and posting on SR is a great start.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Rooster Poot, Texas
Posts: 76
I feel for you, because I remember what that horrible stage was like. I've been sober 11 months now, & I cannot tell you the difference it made in every aspect of my life.
As everyone has said, it is not up to your friends to tell you if you're an alcoholic & it is not up to your friends to monitor, control or stop your drinking. That's your job. Part of recovery is learning to be responsible & accountable for our actions.
As for the depression & the bleak looooong time ahead that's going to be hard... I feel like I am reading something I would have written almost a year ago now. I saw no way out of my hard life & I drank to escape from the depression & the difficulties I had surrounding me~~ without realizing that my drinking was compounding & exacerbating every problem I had~~ & my problems were real, no doubt, but the alcoholic fog I was in , the depression, didn't allow me to see them for what they truly were... just problems. My depression didn't allow me to see ways I could work through some of them, ways I could deal with them without anger, bitterness, rage, resentment. That's what alcohol does. It tricks us into thinking it is our comfort, our friend, our safety blanket when in reality it is our enemy that is destroying us from within & doesn't allow us to see what is really there & how we really can deal with it in ways which cost us less.
No one can stop you drinking except you. This is a good place to get support, advice, encouragement. The one thing I can tell you for sure is that you CAN stop & that when you do stop... you'll be amazed at how great life is & how strong you really are & how wonderful it is to wake up clean every morning. I promise.
As everyone has said, it is not up to your friends to tell you if you're an alcoholic & it is not up to your friends to monitor, control or stop your drinking. That's your job. Part of recovery is learning to be responsible & accountable for our actions.
As for the depression & the bleak looooong time ahead that's going to be hard... I feel like I am reading something I would have written almost a year ago now. I saw no way out of my hard life & I drank to escape from the depression & the difficulties I had surrounding me~~ without realizing that my drinking was compounding & exacerbating every problem I had~~ & my problems were real, no doubt, but the alcoholic fog I was in , the depression, didn't allow me to see them for what they truly were... just problems. My depression didn't allow me to see ways I could work through some of them, ways I could deal with them without anger, bitterness, rage, resentment. That's what alcohol does. It tricks us into thinking it is our comfort, our friend, our safety blanket when in reality it is our enemy that is destroying us from within & doesn't allow us to see what is really there & how we really can deal with it in ways which cost us less.
No one can stop you drinking except you. This is a good place to get support, advice, encouragement. The one thing I can tell you for sure is that you CAN stop & that when you do stop... you'll be amazed at how great life is & how strong you really are & how wonderful it is to wake up clean every morning. I promise.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 72
My family used to argue with me that I am NOT an alcoholic because I didn't have any of the really negative consequences that are stereotypically associated with alcoholism. I stopped drinking daily about 10 years ago, but in the past 6 months I went on a fun downward spiral of binge drinking- it started every once in a while, maybe every 4-6 weeks, built up to every weekend, and then the last week was Friday *and* Saturday night. I enjoyed drinking, but once I was drunk I was miserable, filled with guilt and anxiety, felt like a terrible mother, and so I'd drink more until I somehow got up to bed and passed out. Still, after my last blackout drunk my husband's response was "You didn't even drink that much!" Well, it was enough for ME, and I certainly don't need to drink to prove anyone else's theories about whether or not I'm an alcoholic. Neither do you.
In your posts it sounds like drinking makes you miserable. Even if you are *not* an alcoholic, why keep doing something that makes you feel awful about yourself? I wish you the best in finding your way through this. I know it isn't easy!
In your posts it sounds like drinking makes you miserable. Even if you are *not* an alcoholic, why keep doing something that makes you feel awful about yourself? I wish you the best in finding your way through this. I know it isn't easy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Hello again!
Thanks for the welcoming, you prove that it was a good choice to start posting here.
Im proudly on day 2
Im happy to hear your recovery stories and it really does give me hope.
I cant wait to remember what it feels like to wake up clean as TenNinteySix said, every morning! To not feel all tired and unable to do anything. i want to forget the fuzzines alcohol brings even when you didnt drink the other night!
Thanks again and i'll keep posting and try to interact more
Take care and stay sober!
Thanks for the welcoming, you prove that it was a good choice to start posting here.
Im proudly on day 2
Im happy to hear your recovery stories and it really does give me hope.
I cant wait to remember what it feels like to wake up clean as TenNinteySix said, every morning! To not feel all tired and unable to do anything. i want to forget the fuzzines alcohol brings even when you didnt drink the other night!
Thanks again and i'll keep posting and try to interact more
Take care and stay sober!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Critter 
I hate drinking while im drinking, i hate it afterwards i hate it before and still i cannot stop
I have OCD too, so I have an idea of what you go through! I hope that you will be able to overcome what your head is telling you about resisting going back on your medications if they helped you in the past. You have to take care of yourself, and not being on your meds may be making things much harder for you than they have to be. i don't know what I'd do without my meds! They've helped me so much! I suggest that you listen to your heart and see if you are lead to go back to the doctor's. I totally understand what you mean about hating drinking while you are drinking and hating it afterwards. I am only on day two, and three days ago I was drinking and crying in my beer at the same time. That's no way to live! Tonight is my first AA meeting and i'm looking forward to the support and direction i can get there! I hope you look into finding a recovery program that will work for you! If you think you are an alcoholic then i think you are. Only you can evaluate that! I wish you the very best! Here is a thread on some recovery programs and resource information. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html 
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Way to go on day 2! Just keep taking it one day at a time. When that addict voice starts whining, come here and read/post - and keep thinking about feeling rested and clear-headed in the morning. You can do it!
is really trying!
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: On the road to serenity via soberville
Posts: 236
Hi Critter, glad you found us. If you want support from a whole bunch of the newly sober, please join in the March 2011 thread. No-one believes I'm an alcoholic either, but I KNOW my only hope for a sane life is to never pick up that first drink again.
Wishing you a sober, peaceful day/night
Wishing you a sober, peaceful day/night
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