saphira

Hi everyone. Today is my first day on here, and it's also the first day that I have actually said out loud that I am an alcoholic. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. Still looks weird to me. Anyway, for the past 6 years I have been drinking, and it has been a problem from the very beginning. I never drank to enjoy it--I was drinking to get drunk from the start. I have battled depression and anxiety issues my whole life, and when I started drinking it felt AMAZING to be able to check out for awhile. It was the one time that I didn't have to worry about anything. Now I feel trapped by my drinking. I never allowed myself to realize that I had a problem because I would fool myself by the fact that I don't suffer from withdrawal when I don't drink...because I NEVER allow myself to start drinking until 5:00 (even though I count the hours all day)...because I am able to "make it through" the week until the weekend when I give myself a free pass to drink. And even there, I can count on one hand the number of weeks in the past 6 years I've been able to do that. I don't know what's different about today that I finally allowed myself to realize the truth. Last night I ran out of rum and snuck the rest of my husband's good-quality vodka. (My husband runs a liquor store and is TRYING to build up a stash of different bottles--he is one of the "normal" people who is able to have one small drink--unfortunately I drink everything that's in the house.) I never intended to drink last night but ended up blacking out. Today I just started bawling thinking about everything I have put my husband through...so many fights, hitting, lying....me making him feel as low as a person could possibly feel even though he is the best man I know. I also have a 7-year-old son, and I feel sick wondering what kinds of things he sees and hears when I'm not aware. I feel like a horrible mom...so worthless.
Anyway, I came on here because I want this to end. I am so sick of myself....but I'm really, really scared. I know I need to get myself to a meeting but this whole thing is so new to me...I still can't believe that I'm an alcoholic. If any of you have any tips, please let me know. (I'm already thinking ahead to the weekend, wondering if I should have one last bender--how sick am I?!?) Help would be wonderful.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Inafishbowl

Welcome, Saphira. I know how you feel exactly. I'm still very new to this as well. But you can do it. While you're still feeling broken and beat down, shake your ass into some AA meetings. No, it is not the only way. But I did and it has been such a positive experience for me. All meetings are different, so if you don't identify with one, don't give up right away. You will fine "your people" in those rooms I believe.
I am a mom and a wife too, and the ugliness I showed my family the night before I came here will always make me shudder. Hang in there and welcome again!

NEOMARXIST

Just try to concentrate on living in the present day and stay sober 'just for today'. Otherwise it may just seem too overwhelming and all too easy to just plan having one last mega binge but there's always going to be last hits and last hits. Know what I mean?

If you make sure that you don't pick up just for today then you will get through the weekend sober and indeed everyday sober. That may be a strategy that you adopt to keep yourself from taking that first drink. This will then buy you the sober time to get a recovery strategy in place to maintain grateful sobriety. For me the first drink is the one that did all of the damage. If I take a drink then I'm totally and utterly hopeless, with my sobriety then I have a great deal of hope...

Also it's great that you have admitted yourself as an alcoholic, if you can accept that to your innermost self then it should really help you in your sobriety and recovery. This has been the case in my experience. Knowing, accepting and embracing my alcoholism is crucial for my sobriety and recovery. I was ashamed to be a drunk but I'm not ashamed to be an alcoholic.

All the best, Peace.

MIBluebird

Glad you are here Saphira! I'm new too and have a long history with alcohol, leading up to drinking every day for the last 3 years (and I was a 5:00 drinker as well). I always told myself that the next day, or weekend, or Monday, that I was going to stop but the cycle just kept repeating itself. I finally quit about 6 weeks ago and right away found an addiction specialist and this site, both have been crucial in my ability to stay sober. Hang out with us...so many good people here who understand what you are going through and will be able to help!

EmeraldRose

Welcome...and I seriously don't think the idea of one more bender this weekend is a good idea. One more day sober is a better alternative!
Glad you're here....wealth of info at your fingertips.

Creekryder

I agree w/Rose, this moment is when you make the commitment. The "one last bender" may be the one that puts your determination on the back burner. Maybe even convinces you that you don't really have a problem and gives you the encouragement to continue. The key issue to me is your statement "unfortunately I drink everything that's in the house." To me, that is a red flag. I think action now is the subject to consider.

BamaRecovery

Also i have to say one last bender is a bad idea because we aren't guarenteed the ability to come back from that. You never know when that next bender might be your last. I know its hard i tried to quit for almost a decade and it took a whole lot to get me started in recovery. I mean i will say the standard deal of you need to get to a meeting and talk to some people there and get some numbers. I know sobriety is tough at first but it does get better. Its not all flower and rainbows but it does beat the suffering that i found out there. I hope you can find comfort in the fact your doing the right thing. And if it gets too hard just try to stay sober for the next 10 minutes or next 30 minutes and see if that helps. And one thing i remember i heard from a speaker was "you know i might go and get tore our of the frame tommorrow but thats not going to happen today" as long as you don't drink today everything will get better

luckedog

Saphira, Welcome to SR! I can relate to all of your post. I never drank to just get mellow or for social reasons either I drank to get blitzed and escape the painfulness of reality. Early on I also tried to control my drinking –When I drank – how much I drank – how often I drank, and so on. The thing you have to learn about being an alcoholic is that it is a PROGRESSIVE disease! It always gets worse with time!
I can understand the feeling of worthlessness and the remorse toward your husband but it is good that you realize you have a problem with alcohol and want to do something about it! That is the starting place in recovery. If AA works for you that’s great get to a meeting asap. The real recovery is something that is going to have to come from within you and your determination to get and stay clean. There is no magic formula or miracle cure. But it can be done and face 2 face encouragement like AA ,makes it easier! These SR boards are a great help also. Whatever it takes I hope you find the formula that leads you to complete recovery! It is wonderful to be FREE! Good luck

Nikkipoo

Hi Saphira and welcome to SR! Please dont binge this weekend. Instead, call your doctor today and get an appt. ASAP. He can prescribe medication while you detox so you don't but your life at risk.

GodsHolyWill

Hi Saphira! I'm so glad you found us! Welcome! You're not worthless! NEVER think that!

Reset

It is a scary process; I think most of us went through that. Once you start though it gets a lot less scary as time passes. Eventually you'll realize you don't need alcohol at all.

This might not be popular advice but before I quit I did have "one for the road." Bought my last bottle of bourbon and had my last beers in the bar intending to quit after that, knowing that they could very well be my last ever. Of course I also never said that I'd never drink again, just that I would quit for a vague while and see how far I could take it. Now I can really envision quitting forever.

One last thing about your kid- I have 3 and one of the main regrets I have about my life is that I didn't quit sooner for their sake. My oldest is now 14 and I sure wish I could have a "do-over" with some of his years. Please take that seriously; you don't get a do-over and it sucks.

Good luck. Lots of support here if you need it. Welcome.

Dee74

Hi Saphira

There's some great advice here already....I will add my voice to the don't go on a last bender crowd tho...it makes no sense, it's dangerous and if you're anything like me, it may derail your plans completely.

You'll find a lot of help here - welcome
D

Zube

Saphira-

Sobriety scared the sh*t out of me, until I became sober.

Welcome to SR!!!
Zube

saphira

Thanks everyone for all the support! This has been such a huge secret for me through the years, with only a couple of people knowing how much I drink or that I drink at all. It feels amazing to hear you all and know that you know 100% what I'm going through. I finally feel like I'm not alone...so thank you!! I actually called my brother today and the two of us are going to a meeting soon. He struggles with alcoholism as well and decided a couple of days ago to get help. Hopefully we can encourage each other. Thanks again for the responses!

FrothyJay

If you're an alcoholic, pretty sick. The problem with those notions-- having a last bender, just one, etc.-- is that they tend not to go away, even with time. In fact, they get more clever and more insidious.

I found that the only relief was a complete psychic change that relieved me of that insane thinking. And I could not do it on my own.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community..

All my best to the 3of you as you move into a sober future

Sugah

Saphira, welcome to sobriety. Yes, it can be scary. Cherish that moment of clarity. It's a gift.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

artsoul

Welcome! Yes, it's terrifying to think about getting sober...... But like others have said, just keep it in the moment. You can get through the next 5 minutes, right? When you do, then tackle the 5 minutes after that. The time may go by slowly, but it will go by.

I stayed on this forum for days in the beginning (and still spend a lot of time here). It's just that important for me to stay sober.

Believe everyone here when they say it gets better. The first week or two it feels like we're a fish out of water - like being in a foreign country. But for each day that you get through, the next one will find you stronger. It's really nice to have some peace of mind and feelings of self-worth after being chased around by alcohol all the time.

You can do it - you've already taken the first step!:ghug3

grateful101010

Welcome to SR. I have 5 months thanks to this site. It's my bedtime prayer and story, my warning, my vigilance, my wake up call.

You have a fatal disease called alcoholism that will kill you one way or another. The only treatment is to abstain from alcohol.

I have it, too. One day, you just realize you have it. Sobriety is overall, awesome. Not always easy, nothing worth while is easy.

When you stop poisoning yourself, you will become the person you're meant to be.

I'm a mom, too. We're the only mother our kids will ever have.

/nothing like another mom to lay the guilt on moms. Sorry. But it helps keep me sober.

//if you like to read, I can recommend "book therapy." Books about sobriety which I read every night the way some people would read the Bible. Let me know if you want my list.