DestinyM

My SIL just texted me asking if I was coming by her house today. I asked why? She says my AH is there and said we had to do something. He really isn't getting it is he? HE has to get an MRI, not me. I know he hates doctors and hospitals, but I hate being told I'm an incompetent wife. I agreed to call the doctor last week, which I did and tried since Fri AM to tell him what HE needed to do next. He was too busy telling me about myself and HIS marriage. Saturday night, after I lost it and hung up, he waited a couple hours and called back. I reiterated I didn't want to talk that night and to call me Sunday to get the info about the Dr. He didn't call and I didn't call him. I think this is called detachment. Before I'd have called everywhere until I found him concerned that he get all his medical tests and make his appointments, rescheduling work to go with him, or given him money to get there, money for cigarettes and money for food - which inevitably got spent on booze. Today is a new day and I'm not doing it.

So I'm praying and preparing for the inevitable angry call blaming me for the consequences of HIS actions again.

suki44883

You don't have to take the call.

DestinyM

True, if he calls from a number I know. If not, I'll have to deal it or just hang up and deal with the feelings around doing that. That's why I'm just releasing it to my HP to handle.

pixilation

Just don't answer it, turn off the phone even. It is not your responsibility, if your SIL wants to make a big deal about it, then she can make the phone call.

Thumper

Yes I agree with previous posters. You can turn your phone OFF. You don't have to take a call from anyone all day. We don't have to be at the beck and call of others 24/7. If it is important they will leave a message, whoever it is.

Back in the day :old: we didn't have phone's in our pockets and it was normal to be free from anyone and everyone intruding on our time 24/7.

DestinyM

Thumper --

I guess that's why they say technology is a blessing & a curse. I'd love to just turn my phone off but its the work week and my phone is essential for that, not to mention the kids ability to reach me in the event of an emergency. Perhaps I'll just let unfamiliar numbers go to voicemail and then check it and call back.

Thumper

Letting all unknown numbers go to voice mail is a good idea too.

theuncertainty

I screen calls almost religiously. If I don't know the number and they don't leave a message, it must not have been important.

Ummmm, I get the not liking doctors or hospitals, but most adults can still handle their own appointments. I'd be inclined to tell SIL that.

DestinyM

Thanks for all the tips. I'm happy to report today went with total serenity. He called, three times and each time said he had to call me back. Ultimately, he never did the last time and he still clueless what to do about his MRI. Great thing is I'm not the less bit concerned... I think I like this detachment thing!

newby1961

I just have to be honest here if and when I am totaly detached from a person or a situation I no longer have to think talk or write about it. When I am still doing all that I am still just as obsessed. Just saying

DestinyM

Newby1961 --

Progress not perfection. I'm only a month into Al Anon and for me not to call around trying to make him know about HIS medical appts and figuring out how he'll get there and anything like that is a step in the right direction for me. For me not to sit back filled with fear over what he's doing, since he's not talking to me or with me or if he's drinking and going to call me or show up at my home flipping out later is also huge for me. I appreciate the post as I do all replies but understand I didn't say I was TOTALLY detached just enjoying the art of LEARNING to detach.

Cyranoak

Destiny, you are doing great. Keep it up!

I, too, have to answer my phone for work when I don't recognize phone numbers so I totally get that. It's also sometimes my daughter calling from a phone that isn't hers.

When you stop answering the phone when you know it's him you'll have taken another very important step. I know it's hard. I struggled with it a long time and it felt cruel to me, but looking back I'm glad I stopped answering her calls. It was an important step in my recovery, and took away one of her primary gas lighting and manipulation tools-- the telephone.

Regardless, I've been reading your posts and in my opinion you are moving in the right direction.

Well done Lady!

Cyranoak

P.s. Once I get to know you better I'll start saying things like, "**** that guy!" We're not there yet, and I don't know if it will be offensive to you, but if you hang around long enough I'm going to do it.

P.p.s. Seriously, you are doing great. I no longer dread reading your posts. I'm just saying.

P.p.p.s. You know your sister in law is a codependent enabler, right? If not, let me just say that your sister in law is a codependant enabler. You may need to set some boundaries for her, ones you will enforce, sooner than later.

DestinyM

Cyranoak ---

You had me laughing so hard my daughter asked me what was going on...

Feel free to express yourself. One thing I can appreciate is honest expressions.

Thanks for the compliments, it definitely makes me feel good. As you can imagine I'm my worst critic and I still find myself second guessing my actions and getting anxious when it comes to setting boundaries. I told someone yesterday I had a big red cape and an "E" on my chest because I was "Super-Enabler"!! Not just with my AH but with my kids and even at work and church. I've had to take a giant step back from a lot of stuff and really look at what I was doing to get my life so unmanageable. But WHOO_HOO I've found Al-Anon and I am grabbing hold of it and working it for all its got and not looking back!!!