ChoosingMyLife

Isn't it crazy how we can have so much built up anger, frustration, and sadness all bottled up at one time, to the point of blocking out what has happened to us in the past?
I'm in the process of going through all my old boxes of stuff, and I stumbled upon a binder FULL of notes, letters and poems I had written around age 16-17 that I forgot about/don't remember writing. Going through it brought me to tears as I realized that I'm no closer to forgiving myself/my A mom today as I was 5 years ago Im slowly working on myself though, and trying to not let her directly or indirectly influence my life in her favour.
This is the one that really got to me. I think I wrote this after one specific fight that ended with my AMom telling me she wished I was never born.

17 years. way too long.
if i had a penny for everytime i heard her say
"Im Sorry, im going to quit"
id be a ************* millionaire
Shes been told by millions of people
most importantly by her mother, her sister, her daughter and her husband.
shes sick, and she needs help.
but she doesnt remember.
because everytime it comes up,
she's hammered.
i hate it.
i love her, i hate the disease.
i kept the secret for so long.
i was embarassed to have friends over because of what they might think.
or what she might do.
But im sick of hiding this.
Its been eating me up inside since the day i realized.
i used to think it was normal, that all adults did it.
then i saw a loving family, one that got along, and didnt fight everytime someone got drunk.
then i realized that my mother was different.
17 years has been way to long.
and things have gotten so much worse.
Im sick of living with this.

You have said so many hurtful things to me throughout my life.
and i dont know how much longer i can take it.
everything is so overwhelming.
i now have to deal with this, along with the stresses of school, and work.
I dont want to be the Adult in our family anymore.
im 17 years old, i shouldnt be the mature one.
I have wanted for so long for you to quit,
but i have come to the conclusion
I realize now, that the day you quit will be the day you die.

I want you to know that i love you, and i always will.
I want you to know that these last couple of years have been the hardest on me.
Children are supposed to learn from their parents, but i know now that your not the perfect role model for me, and i am well aware that i dont ever want to do this to my children.
I want you to know that even though i will always love you, i hate you at the same time.
You have no ******* idea what you have put us all through with your addiction. and I hope one day you will figure it out.

Mom, your an alcoholic and you need to wake up.

BobbyJ

That is alot to carry yourself..

Hopefully you will find your way to release the anger and
learn to love the "both" of you again...

Thanks for sharing...

DesertEyes

Hello Choosing, and pleased to "meet" you

Yup. Totally agree. For me it was actually re-inforcing all the damage my parents did.

oh wow, that happened to me too. I threw out most of it but kept the ones that weren't _too_ horrid.

goodness. But you are _here_, on SoberRecovery, working on _you_. To me that seems like you _are_ closer.

that is just awful. I can't imagine how bad you must have felt.

yeah I still have issues with people who say "sorry", even if they're honest. I need to work on that resentment a little more

I did too. When I was 12. I still remember it like it was yesterday.

That is a powerful, moving piece you wrote. I think it's really awesome that you were able to still love your Mom in spite of all the harm she did. Even while hating her you were still able to love her. That says volumes about how resilient you are, and how you were able to see her addiction objectively. I wasn't able to do that, my love for my parents drifted away somewhere in the past, I don't know when. So I think you're doing just fine in your recovery.

Mike
oh, and if nobody has told you yet, welcome to SoberRecovery