katie44

I learnt a long time ago not to discuss AS with other people. Yesterday friend called, we have known each other 25 yrs. She asks how AS is, I say he's okay, however he is in Jail. She then asks if Ive been to visit him and I say yes ( it was his birthday) Well she proceeds to give me unwanted advice.
How its the best thing he is there, I shouldnt have visited him, he deserves to be there, if it were her son she would never have visited, how he needs to get his crap together. How he never had a chance because addiction runs in my family. She spent 10 minutes going on about him! Like she was some proffesional. She was angry I did not tell her he was in jail previously. Now wonder! When I tried to justify why I visited ( I shouldnt have) she said so what! Am I being over sensitive? I really dont want her advice or her lectures. Her son has not spoken to her in nearly a year ( he is not an addict) I dont feel the need to lecture her or give unwanted advice.
What is it with people everyone thinks they have the answer. We were supposed to have lunch today, I have cancelled. I really dont feel like listening to unwanted advice. Her life is far from perfect.

Ann

I learned a long time ago that Earthlings (normies who have never experienced first hand what it is like to be us), have absolutely no idea how we feel, what we should or should not do, and why we love our addicted children because they are sick people, not bad people, and they are our kids.

I still share friendships with Earthlings, but I keep my conversations to topics Earthlings understand.

I share my stories and recovery with a select group of people who truly know what I have been through and why I am who I am today. I can do this at meetings everywhere, and here at SR, and with only a handful of people in real life who have walked in my shoes.

Don't take it personally, Katie. She probably means well. She just has no clue what it is like to live with addiction destroying our loved ones...and we can only pray that she never finds out first hand.

Hugs

katie44

Thanks Ann, she just struck a cord yesterday. Her ex-husband passed away from a heroine overdose 5 yrs ago. They were divorced at the time. She is one of those people that has a need to give advice constantly to others. I care deeply for this women, however very tired of her advice, and her cynisism. I do not discuss AS with the earthlings lol I too save it for SR or naranon. I have told her before I do not wish to discuss AS, then she proceeds to tell me i am in denial and need to speak of him. When I tell her I only discuss it at naranon, she becomes very upset. Dont know why this struck a cord in me yesterday?

Rooberri

That friend of yours has a sure sign characteristic of a co-dependent....thinking that her way is the only way....very judgemental....

I know were your coming from- it's very hard to listen to other people tell you what you should do, say, see and feel....I used to be that person with my daughter..... I don't miss those days at all. It's almost like they think they can pick you up and place you in the universe exactly where they you want you to be...

Good for you for canceling lunch...I would have done the same thing.

As a codependent I find it very hard to "speak my mind" especially to friends and family...but I'm learning and when I do find the strength it feels really good!

Sending prayers for you to have a strong day!

Roo

litehorse

while reading your post i felt like a response was being squeezed out of me - the way i feel when someone does such a thing to me (i lived with someone who did this to the extreme during the worst parts of the saga with my AS) i'm glad you were able to back out of it -
ann - i love the earthlings concept - it so fits our situation - God bless us all in both universes!!

Hollyanne

So, you are not supposed to visit him, even though that made you feel better, but you "should" talk about him to someone who lectures you and makes you feel bad, while you can't point out to her that her backside is on fire because you are polite and understanding.
Just clarifying.

katie44

I really like the term " earthlings" also. Generally the people that find a need to give unwanted advice are the ones that feel a need for control. The last thing I would like to do is sit through a lunch with an addictions therapist! What really irked me is that she has had extreme difficulty with her son. To be honest much of it has been her fault. Yet I just sit and listen, if I where to ever point that out she would go off the deep end. She is extrememly confrontational. Well Im off to church this morning and going to spend a nice quiet day with my spouse. Sorry for going on and on needed to vent this one. I know you all have been in the same position.

keepinon

Katie..I have a confession..back when I WAS an "earthling" I used to lecture,nag,scold,tell,shame, and harp on my friends,family, strangers..I NEVER meant to harm anyone..I was "HELPING!"..well fast forward to having my a#$ kicked real good by life several times and getting in program..I feel really bad for the pain I caused others with my self rightousness..I think your friend means well, but you absolutely have to protect your sanity..don't feel bad for cancelling..these are the consequences of HER actions and she needs to feel every one of them just like the addicts do..I know I did.

ItsmeAlice

Keepinon said just what I wanted to.

As a recovering codependent and hardcore unwanted advice giver, I do quietly wish my behavior had garnished swift repercussions over the years. Maybe I would have hit bottom a lot sooner.

Her behavior struck a nerve with you because under the surface it was a boundary you need to protect. There's no need to avoid her, but you are right that consequences are appropriate. When the time is right to try a conversation with her again you'll know better how to edit the discussion to keep your hot buttons out of her reach.

I am becoming very practiced with my mother who has refused the notion that advice can be unwanted. I stick to topics I want or at least don't mind hearing her suggestions over. At first, it felt limiting, but I soon realized there was plenty we could talk about, and it's nice to just talk like an average person where every other word isn't about addiction, recovery, eating disorders, or the 12 steps.

Hope your feelings of frustration pass as quickly as they came on.

Hang in,

Alice