Relapse. A co-dependent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Macomb, Michigan
Posts: 65
Relapse. A co-dependent
Hey everybody, I posted this in the alcoholics post and got no hope from anybody what so ever. Please can somebody understand where I'm coming from on these posts...?
Well I was going a little over a month strong until last night and then relapsed. Can't believe how horrible how feel about it...i have been doing a lot of work with an addiction counselor and this week we finally hit on the fact that I am a co-dependent. I never really shared my story on here till now but my mother was and still is a prescription drug addict. I guess I always tried to shrug it off and pretend like it didn't effect me. But what i've learned in my days of sobriety is that it still does. I have been a visitor in and out of hospitals more times then i share to recall. I have seen the one person who is suppose to love me most in this world chose an addiction over me. I have seen someone I love struggle to survive, and live to progress into the fifth grade version of themselves where coloring pictures in a psychic ward is worth more then spending time doing something with their son...I have too many memories of things like this going on then I care to share. Please help guys...what do I do? My addiction counselor tells me that I need to eliminate this person from my life. But, my family that I live with is reluctant to exclude my mother from coming into our home...I am really at a crossroade here guys...
Well I was going a little over a month strong until last night and then relapsed. Can't believe how horrible how feel about it...i have been doing a lot of work with an addiction counselor and this week we finally hit on the fact that I am a co-dependent. I never really shared my story on here till now but my mother was and still is a prescription drug addict. I guess I always tried to shrug it off and pretend like it didn't effect me. But what i've learned in my days of sobriety is that it still does. I have been a visitor in and out of hospitals more times then i share to recall. I have seen the one person who is suppose to love me most in this world chose an addiction over me. I have seen someone I love struggle to survive, and live to progress into the fifth grade version of themselves where coloring pictures in a psychic ward is worth more then spending time doing something with their son...I have too many memories of things like this going on then I care to share. Please help guys...what do I do? My addiction counselor tells me that I need to eliminate this person from my life. But, my family that I live with is reluctant to exclude my mother from coming into our home...I am really at a crossroade here guys...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I sure feel your pain and hope you find some inspiration and comfort here.
There are many who share here who are what we call "double winners'...recovering from both addictions and codependency issues, and who can share with you their own experience, strength and hope.
My son is the addict in my life. I have no addiction issues at all but almost destroyed myself with my codependency.
What helped me find my balance again, my sanity and a life worth living, was live meetings. For me, Al-Anon and CoDA literally saved my life. ACOA might also be helpful to you. Please give meetings a try, I promise you that you will find inner peace and hope there.
My son is still lost in his addiction somewhere, we know not where. I keep him in my prayers and turn his care over to God each morning, then live my life filled with love and gratitude for all the beauty in each day.
There is hope for them, there is hope for us. Take comfort in that just for today.
Hugs
There are many who share here who are what we call "double winners'...recovering from both addictions and codependency issues, and who can share with you their own experience, strength and hope.
My son is the addict in my life. I have no addiction issues at all but almost destroyed myself with my codependency.
What helped me find my balance again, my sanity and a life worth living, was live meetings. For me, Al-Anon and CoDA literally saved my life. ACOA might also be helpful to you. Please give meetings a try, I promise you that you will find inner peace and hope there.
My son is still lost in his addiction somewhere, we know not where. I keep him in my prayers and turn his care over to God each morning, then live my life filled with love and gratitude for all the beauty in each day.
There is hope for them, there is hope for us. Take comfort in that just for today.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hey, ksquared,
welcome to the f & f section of this board! i think you got some responses, just not in the timely way you wished. they are pretty responsive over there in alcohol-recovery forum, but we are way responsive here.
a therapist recovering alcoholic of mine once told me that when you have some addiction recovery under your belt you will pretty much find co-dependent issues in all or most addicts. i think that the addict found something that worked better for them than us "single winners" who always received our good feelings, and escape, through other people.
i'm not sure how true that is, but it certainly could be.
in any case, you are coming to terms with the way that your responses to other people has affected you in negative ways.
for me, i lost myself in my completely off-the-chart involvement in a couple of addicts in my life. i didn't fully realize how much until i had some time and distance and hindsight.
boy, i never want to be there again. god willing, i will not.
this forum has a lot to do with that conviction.
what's going on with you at the moment?
welcome to the f & f section of this board! i think you got some responses, just not in the timely way you wished. they are pretty responsive over there in alcohol-recovery forum, but we are way responsive here.
a therapist recovering alcoholic of mine once told me that when you have some addiction recovery under your belt you will pretty much find co-dependent issues in all or most addicts. i think that the addict found something that worked better for them than us "single winners" who always received our good feelings, and escape, through other people.
i'm not sure how true that is, but it certainly could be.
in any case, you are coming to terms with the way that your responses to other people has affected you in negative ways.
for me, i lost myself in my completely off-the-chart involvement in a couple of addicts in my life. i didn't fully realize how much until i had some time and distance and hindsight.
boy, i never want to be there again. god willing, i will not.
this forum has a lot to do with that conviction.
what's going on with you at the moment?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Macomb, Michigan
Posts: 65
I guess I'm just looking for advice on what my next step is...I've heard a lot of people say that distance and creating "healthy boundaries" is the best way to start. But how do I do that when I have been conditioned and am constantly being told that "she is my mother and I should be taking care of her?"
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Ksquared87,
Have you tried attending Alanon meetings.?
From what I understand, your mother is an addict, and therefore the drugs come before you, or anyone.
You sound resentful, and I sure understand that, I have felt resentment towards both of my sons for "MY" expectations not being reached by them.
(I'm over it
)
You need to work on you, and yes, healthy boundaries, and detachment is probably a good thing for you to work on.
And...as the rest of your family not wanting to detach from her...I would think that is THEIR problem, not yours.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
Hugs........
Have you tried attending Alanon meetings.?
From what I understand, your mother is an addict, and therefore the drugs come before you, or anyone.
You sound resentful, and I sure understand that, I have felt resentment towards both of my sons for "MY" expectations not being reached by them.
(I'm over it
)You need to work on you, and yes, healthy boundaries, and detachment is probably a good thing for you to work on.
And...as the rest of your family not wanting to detach from her...I would think that is THEIR problem, not yours.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
Hugs........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Ksquared87 
I never really shared my story on here till now but my mother was and still is a prescription drug addict. I guess I always tried to shrug it off and pretend like it didn't effect me. But what i've learned in my days of sobriety is that it still does. I have been a visitor in and out of hospitals more times then i share to recall. I have seen the one person who is suppose to love me most in this world chose an addiction over me. I have seen someone I love struggle to survive, and live to progress into the fifth grade version of themselves where coloring pictures in a psychic ward is worth more then spending time doing something with their son...I have too many memories of things like this going on then I care to share. Please help guys...what do I do? My addiction counselor tells me that I need to eliminate this person from my life. But, my family that I live with is reluctant to exclude my mother from coming into our home...I am really at a crossroade here guys...
Choosing to not associate with people who are active in their addictions is a healthy boundary. Is there a reason why you can't leave when mom comes for a visit?
When your mom visits, why not leave for the day.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to the Friends & Family Forum ~
Hate so much that your life has been affected by this disease - also hate that you are struggling in your walk with sobriety and in dealing with your Mother's disease too.
In dealing with this disease I learned that what others tell me I "should do" & society tells me is my "responsibility" to do - sometimes is not always the healthiest thing for my specific situation.
After all they have never walked my path ~ how can they know what is exactly best for ME?
That's what you will usually find the folks here give suggestions, offer what has worked for them personally and then allow you to get with your Higher Power and decide what is healthiest & the most recovery oriented for YOU.
Sometimes a period of loving detachment from unheathy family members can give me the time to work on me. Then I am able to work on mine own recovery. After I am healthier, wise, saner and calmer - interactions with loved ones that still suffer from active alcoholism/addiction can be handled with love, healthy compassion and respect to everyone.
For me it's not about being selfish or rude - it's about self-care. Then I am able to spend time with my family and give them a great gift - A healthy complete ME!
Best wishes on your recovery path!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Hate so much that your life has been affected by this disease - also hate that you are struggling in your walk with sobriety and in dealing with your Mother's disease too.
In dealing with this disease I learned that what others tell me I "should do" & society tells me is my "responsibility" to do - sometimes is not always the healthiest thing for my specific situation.
After all they have never walked my path ~ how can they know what is exactly best for ME?
That's what you will usually find the folks here give suggestions, offer what has worked for them personally and then allow you to get with your Higher Power and decide what is healthiest & the most recovery oriented for YOU.
Sometimes a period of loving detachment from unheathy family members can give me the time to work on me. Then I am able to work on mine own recovery. After I am healthier, wise, saner and calmer - interactions with loved ones that still suffer from active alcoholism/addiction can be handled with love, healthy compassion and respect to everyone.
For me it's not about being selfish or rude - it's about self-care. Then I am able to spend time with my family and give them a great gift - A healthy complete ME!
Best wishes on your recovery path!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
ksquared
Welcome to the F&F forum.
You have taken a great first step. Recognizing your codependence allows you to begin to address it. Like addiction, recovery from codependence is a process and it doesn't happen overnight. So be gentle with yourself.
As a double winner, you have a lot of things to work on. The good news? The process for both can be very similar and run concurrently. And the process for both will emphasize focusing on what you have control of.....you.
Although I would not wish this disease on anyone, I will say that the experiences I have had as a result of my son's addiction have made me a better person. I have a long way to go but I can look backwards and see my progress.
Take care of you first.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to the F&F forum.
You have taken a great first step. Recognizing your codependence allows you to begin to address it. Like addiction, recovery from codependence is a process and it doesn't happen overnight. So be gentle with yourself.
As a double winner, you have a lot of things to work on. The good news? The process for both can be very similar and run concurrently. And the process for both will emphasize focusing on what you have control of.....you.
Although I would not wish this disease on anyone, I will say that the experiences I have had as a result of my son's addiction have made me a better person. I have a long way to go but I can look backwards and see my progress.
Take care of you first.
gentle hugs
ke
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