TakingMyTime

My addict husband has relapsed, and just chose to leave the house rather than toss the drugs. (Our house is a previously agreed-upon drug-free zone.) He knows he can't come back unless he's clean and getting help.

I have protected our money, for now. I know I won't let him back in tonight if he returns -- I doubt he will. I think he's given up trying. And if I have to end the marriage I will.

The more pressing matter is that his daughter -- my stepdaughter -- is coming tomorrow morning to spend a week. She mostly lives with her mom at this point -- she's a senior in high school -- but does spend time here.

What do I tell her? I don't want to cover for my AH, but I don't want to tell her more than I need to. They are supposed to go on a college tour Tuesday.

And what do I do about letting him in the house? I can't know for sure if he has drugs unless I search him and his car, which seems like it would cause more problems than it solves. How do I maintain this boundary, especially with his daughter here? Do I just let it go for a week while she's here? Or do I hold firm and tell her why?

I can't get to an AlAnon meeting tonight -- but should be able to tomorrow. I've been reading the forums here off and on for months, so this is where I turned.

Thanks for listening.

Stimmed

Its difficult to say, but if you are able to cantact him... then lay your cards out and make no mistake. Then his respect will (i assume) show itself.

Welcome to SR :-)

Ann

Welcome to SR, TakingMyTime.

That's quite a dilemma.

This is one of those tough decisions you will have to decide as you go. Perhaps it might be best to postpone her visit while things are still so rocky.

Whatever you decide, we are walking with you.

Hugs

TakingMyTime

Thank you for the replies.

I wish I could postpone my stepdaughter's visit, but I can't. Her mother is going out of town for the week, so she has to come here. I will be faced with some sort of decision.

She knows her dad is an addict/alcoholic -- but she doesn't know he's had occasional relapses. She and I have a good relationship, so if I have to tell her her dad's in relapse, at least we have a solid base.

I can't physically keep her dad out of the house -- I can ask him to stay away, but I doubt he will. I'm guessing I'll have to just tell my SD a little of what's going on, and then let her dad be around the week she's here. And then sort things out with him after that. (So yeah, playing some of it by ear!)

I'll be away for a week at the end of the month, visiting my mom, so that'll buy a little time, too, to either get a separation under way or for him to get help.

I guess I mostly need to know if that sounds reasonable -- my sanity's feeling a little shaky tonight. But I know it's not far away.

Ann

Sounds sensible to me. It's good you can talk to her about this if you need to.

I'm glad you are able to get away soon for some time to decide what you want. Stepping away from the front row seat can often give us a better perspective.

I'm glad you have meetings as well. I know how much they helped me over the years and helped me regain my balance when I needed to.

Hugs

dognut

Perhaps you should talk to your step daughter's mom and let her know what is going on.

TakingMyTime

A very good point, dognut. Stepdaughter is 18, about to graduate high school, or I would have done so before she came over. If things are still in this state when I get back from my trip to help my mom, I will do that.

SD has just arrived, AH is here, too. I am flying by the seat of my pants but am less of a mess than I have been in the past. I'm reading a lot here, and have talked to a friend. In a holding pattern for the week, I guess, as long as everyone can remain on an even keel.

Thanks for the support. It helps.

dorton

As hard as it is the girl is 18 and deserves to know the truth about her dad. It really stinks as so many kids have had to grow up before it was time. But I think she has the right to know. You really don't want him to be able to use her as a way to come home no matter what the boundaries are

TakingMyTime

Oh what a day. And a worse night.

I did talk to my stepdaughter this afternoon. We had a really good talk. I told her her dad had relapsed, and was careful not to paint him as the bad guy, but as someone who's ill and making bad choices because it's hard for him to think straight. That he loves her.

She, naturally, thinks it's her fault. That if she'd been around more it wouldn't have happened. We talked about that, too. And I let her know I'd have to tell her dad that we'd talked -- but that I could hold off a little if she wanted me to. She understood that there needed to be NO more secrets around here, and that she can talk to me, her mom, a friend, her dad, whoever she needs to.

So later I told her father that we'd talked. He's beyond furious. Blaming me for ruining his relationship with his daughter, for any other repercussions that may happen down the road. (Um... dude, I am not the one smoking CRACK in our bedroom!)

He is back in the house - I can't legally keep him out. But if he loses it, or does anything harmful to anyone, I will call the cops. I'm stuck until we get an offer on the house. I'm looking for apartments, and taking steps to protect our money -- what little there is left of it.

I'm so scared. And so sad. I know that if he were clean he wouldn't be like this. We have such a great marriage when he's clean. And then it's like it all goes away, at least in his head. I guess I need to learn to be happy for what we had, and not think so much about what I'm losing. How the heck do I do that.

hello-kitty

sorry for your situation. It sucks when our loved ones let us down. Staying in the present and focusing on the actions, not the words, of an addict can help us to be real and get our lives back on track.

If he is bringing crack into your house around you and the kids, I suggest you call the police. Legally, you can keep him from doing that. You just need to be willing. That's all.

What addict would? The fact is that he isn't clean. Coming back to this reality should help you to keep moving forward.

Focusing too much on the dreams of the past can prevent you from dealing with the realities of the present.

In reality, what you are losing is a drug addict who has burned through your money and destroyed his relationship with his daughter and you and numerous others. You stand to lose a lot more if you continue to try to save him from himself.