Is he ever going to 'change'??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 19
Is he ever going to 'change'??
I'm so mad, I'm so mad towards myself and everyone around me. I'm in relationship w a recovering alcoholic, its been ups and downs as always.
But I'm so tired of being dictated and that everything is going to be on his 'demands' - is it always going to be like that? How do I step down and show that I don't accept it, that my opinion matters awell, without pushing him away? Why is he like this, and why can't he compromise?
I feel like a douchebag and it makes me feel so cheap (?) too, like 'everything is ok as we do what he says', but if we dont, then i'm not worth a ****... I know thats not true and its not the way it always, but it makes me like that. Especielly when my opinion doesn't count and when we always have to do what he thinks. its' not always like that, and he's a sweet guy and generous, and i know inside in his 'heart' all he wants is doing good (but it always comes out 'wrong' , as unexpected):
its only situations like this, when he doesn't share and when i say my opinion, it doesn't count, that makes me sad. Is it always like this or is it ever going to change? Will I ever be a part of *this mans life* (that what i think matters), is it ever going to change (after 2yrs i thought it would matter - my opinion), how do I step in and how can I get through w my demands?
and i know its not about -me- -me- -me- all the time, and i do know its not about -me- and sometimes we ave to look inside ourselves to feel important without any outside 'demands'. but i want my opinion to count, it makes me so cheap otherwise, not sure why... but guess I feel used if i dont have my thing to say about/my opinion.... and he runs his race like my opinions doesnt matter... am i the evil (being egoistic) or isnt it all about compromises? do i ave to step down not feeling like this, or how do i make my opinion matter? sometimes i feel we both ave to change to make this work (but without loosing him,how do i get my demands through, even if we dont agree on issues?)
:ghug3
i hope someone understand.. not sure i share so well but thanks anyway
But I'm so tired of being dictated and that everything is going to be on his 'demands' - is it always going to be like that? How do I step down and show that I don't accept it, that my opinion matters awell, without pushing him away? Why is he like this, and why can't he compromise?
I feel like a douchebag and it makes me feel so cheap (?) too, like 'everything is ok as we do what he says', but if we dont, then i'm not worth a ****... I know thats not true and its not the way it always, but it makes me like that. Especielly when my opinion doesn't count and when we always have to do what he thinks. its' not always like that, and he's a sweet guy and generous, and i know inside in his 'heart' all he wants is doing good (but it always comes out 'wrong' , as unexpected):
its only situations like this, when he doesn't share and when i say my opinion, it doesn't count, that makes me sad. Is it always like this or is it ever going to change? Will I ever be a part of *this mans life* (that what i think matters), is it ever going to change (after 2yrs i thought it would matter - my opinion), how do I step in and how can I get through w my demands?
and i know its not about -me- -me- -me- all the time, and i do know its not about -me- and sometimes we ave to look inside ourselves to feel important without any outside 'demands'. but i want my opinion to count, it makes me so cheap otherwise, not sure why... but guess I feel used if i dont have my thing to say about/my opinion.... and he runs his race like my opinions doesnt matter... am i the evil (being egoistic) or isnt it all about compromises? do i ave to step down not feeling like this, or how do i make my opinion matter? sometimes i feel we both ave to change to make this work (but without loosing him,how do i get my demands through, even if we dont agree on issues?)
:ghug3
i hope someone understand.. not sure i share so well but thanks anyway
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 19
and yes, i know its a complicated issue and i dont demand that it has to be like my way either, but when it comes to things where my opinion should matter - and things that I should decide on , or be a part on, its like ' everything or nothing' either 'his way , or no way at all'.. how can I deal with it and how can i find a way through compromises. do I always ave to give up my will to make it work? do we both ave to change? do I demand too much? i know you ave to give to receive.... and i dont mind agreeing, but its like my opinion does not matter? how do i tell him this in a good way?
im so confused same time i feel that im being runned over... am I alone? thanks in advance - xo
im so confused same time i feel that im being runned over... am I alone? thanks in advance - xo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 19
Ok, I know I might not express myself so well literally. But the thing is- that we - me and my 'bf' disagree on certain issues. He expects me to put up with it, things that he decides on. He runs me over and he doesn't care about what I think. Its like my opinion doesn't matter. I know nobody can force me to do things I don't want to. I know I am my own person and do decide over my 'destiny'. But the way he is acting , makes me feel so cheap. I dont know.. sometimes it feels more like an abusive rs. He expects me to do things im not ok with, or make plans for both us without 'consultate' me about my opinion and WHAT I think, matters.. or that I get the chance to decide anything.....
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Tic21,
This is such a key piece of what I am going through right now with my AH!
I just got finished posting "wrong thinking".
I am getting ready to leave my relationship soon, after 11 years, and after giving up all control over my life, so that I will be starting over with nothing!
If yours is anything like mine, then the only opinion that will ever matter to him, is the one that works for him!
Now you say he's recovering. Is he also in some kind of therapy that could help him unlearn some of his wrong thinking?
I hope this helps. Your opinion always matters! You matter!
This is such a key piece of what I am going through right now with my AH!
I just got finished posting "wrong thinking".
I am getting ready to leave my relationship soon, after 11 years, and after giving up all control over my life, so that I will be starting over with nothing!
If yours is anything like mine, then the only opinion that will ever matter to him, is the one that works for him!
Now you say he's recovering. Is he also in some kind of therapy that could help him unlearn some of his wrong thinking?
I hope this helps. Your opinion always matters! You matter!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Oh boy, can I relate!! I struggled with this issue for 9 years in my current (2nd) marriage. We are separated now but haven't filed. My husband doesn't drink and never has, so that's not an issue. What IS the issue is that in many very important matters my opinion counted for *nothing*. No matter how many sit-downs we had and no matter how many times he "compromised", in the end he did it his way.
I expect my marriage partner to be just that: a PARTNER. And at 52 years old I had to decide how important that was to me. I decided it was SO important that I would rather be alone than to be with someone who diminished my self-esteem in that way. I felt like I was treated like a child without a brain, or that I couldn't be trusted with vital information.
The problem was that I was not ever able to ACCEPT that...really accept it....even though I tried for many years. I mean, he had so many other great qualities! But my being unable to accept his need for control created other problems such as resentfulness and lack of intimacy.
The 'lack of intimacy' for him, of course, was a huge problem and I tried and tried and tried to make him understand that it was connected to his need for control but he never 'got it'.
So I had to decide *for myself* how I wanted to live. He refused to go to counseling (again, my idea) so I left because I finally ACCEPTED that there would never be any change. I accepted that if I stayed it was for all the wrong reasons such as financial security and avoidance of 'stigma', etc., and I wanted more to be TRUE TO MYSELF and my value system. I felt like I was living a lie.
I am much happier now. Much!
I expect my marriage partner to be just that: a PARTNER. And at 52 years old I had to decide how important that was to me. I decided it was SO important that I would rather be alone than to be with someone who diminished my self-esteem in that way. I felt like I was treated like a child without a brain, or that I couldn't be trusted with vital information.
The problem was that I was not ever able to ACCEPT that...really accept it....even though I tried for many years. I mean, he had so many other great qualities! But my being unable to accept his need for control created other problems such as resentfulness and lack of intimacy.
The 'lack of intimacy' for him, of course, was a huge problem and I tried and tried and tried to make him understand that it was connected to his need for control but he never 'got it'.
So I had to decide *for myself* how I wanted to live. He refused to go to counseling (again, my idea) so I left because I finally ACCEPTED that there would never be any change. I accepted that if I stayed it was for all the wrong reasons such as financial security and avoidance of 'stigma', etc., and I wanted more to be TRUE TO MYSELF and my value system. I felt like I was living a lie.
I am much happier now. Much!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Some men, alcoholic or not, in recovery or not, are going to be inconsiderate jerks who don't care about your opinion. They have to be in control, at all times.
You say what a "sweet and generous" guy he is, but is he really, if he doesn't allow you to be your own person? I think what you are saying when you refer to him as "sweet and generous" is that he is doing what he thinks is "best". Well, that may be what he thinks, but that doesn't make it reality.
Yes, there should be compromises, and yes, your opinion and your life matter. And if he is unwilling to allow you to be a partner in your relationship--if he is going to be the father and you are going to be the child--the question really is whether that is the kind of relationship you are willing to tolerate.
If not, then the answer is to get out of it. Because you aren't going to change him.
You say what a "sweet and generous" guy he is, but is he really, if he doesn't allow you to be your own person? I think what you are saying when you refer to him as "sweet and generous" is that he is doing what he thinks is "best". Well, that may be what he thinks, but that doesn't make it reality.
Yes, there should be compromises, and yes, your opinion and your life matter. And if he is unwilling to allow you to be a partner in your relationship--if he is going to be the father and you are going to be the child--the question really is whether that is the kind of relationship you are willing to tolerate.
If not, then the answer is to get out of it. Because you aren't going to change him.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Life is short. It's shorter when you're in a relationship with an horse's behind, who cares nothing for your opinion. Regardless of the duration, life is more difficult with an alcoholic than without one.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
You deserve to feel like your opinion counts.
Ask yourself,
"Am I willing to love this person, or have this person in my life in this way AT ANY COST to myself?"
Its pricey if you are unhappy, and the good stuff is fleeting.
Dr. Suess calls that "the waiting place. A most dreadful place".
I waited for my RAH to get sober, and four months in, he was the same way as always, dismissive, manipulative, self centered...but physically sober. I could wait longer for his recovery to progress, for him to have some realizations... and I may be available to re evaluate in a year...mostly because we have a son.. BUt I am tired of my everyday being marred by his dark thinking, his control, his paranoia, his archaic thinking about what role a woman should take.
Right now I want my everyday to be about me.
And now, I am alone, with our son. ANd he is in an apartment across town. Pretty much doing whatever he likes. My hair is up, like an animal that just had a confrontation. I am just letting it ease back down. I am just trying my best to get my head out of HIS head. And get back to the way that I think about things, about me, about life, about my everyday. Its hard, but its not harder than that crap was. Swallowing his ideas, foisted upon me. He is more desperate for me to agree with him, than I am for him to "agree" with me. I am stronger than that. And who needs that much static in life?
I just wanted my everyday and night to be about how I FEEL again. I want to manange MYSELF and my son. I dont ant to navigate all the crap he wades through. Its not mine. I dont have that much drama and negativity. I dont want that mood swinging chaos to dictate whether I have a good or bad day, waiting for those fleeting shiny moments to poke through and justify me selling my strong self out. They are not worth it, no matter how "sweet and generous" he can be SOMETIMES.
I am tired of waiting. I decided it doesnt matter if he is GOING to change, because the truth is I am tired of WAITING.
BTW, look over your post and read how many times you referenced how your OPINION DOESNT MATTER.
There is a part of you that is plain and simple crying out to be respected.
She deserves that. IS he worth it? Ruining how you feel about yourself and your thoughts and perceptions everyday?
Ask yourself,
"Am I willing to love this person, or have this person in my life in this way AT ANY COST to myself?"
Its pricey if you are unhappy, and the good stuff is fleeting.
Dr. Suess calls that "the waiting place. A most dreadful place".
I waited for my RAH to get sober, and four months in, he was the same way as always, dismissive, manipulative, self centered...but physically sober. I could wait longer for his recovery to progress, for him to have some realizations... and I may be available to re evaluate in a year...mostly because we have a son.. BUt I am tired of my everyday being marred by his dark thinking, his control, his paranoia, his archaic thinking about what role a woman should take.
Right now I want my everyday to be about me.
And now, I am alone, with our son. ANd he is in an apartment across town. Pretty much doing whatever he likes. My hair is up, like an animal that just had a confrontation. I am just letting it ease back down. I am just trying my best to get my head out of HIS head. And get back to the way that I think about things, about me, about life, about my everyday. Its hard, but its not harder than that crap was. Swallowing his ideas, foisted upon me. He is more desperate for me to agree with him, than I am for him to "agree" with me. I am stronger than that. And who needs that much static in life?
I just wanted my everyday and night to be about how I FEEL again. I want to manange MYSELF and my son. I dont ant to navigate all the crap he wades through. Its not mine. I dont have that much drama and negativity. I dont want that mood swinging chaos to dictate whether I have a good or bad day, waiting for those fleeting shiny moments to poke through and justify me selling my strong self out. They are not worth it, no matter how "sweet and generous" he can be SOMETIMES.
I am tired of waiting. I decided it doesnt matter if he is GOING to change, because the truth is I am tired of WAITING.
BTW, look over your post and read how many times you referenced how your OPINION DOESNT MATTER.
There is a part of you that is plain and simple crying out to be respected.
She deserves that. IS he worth it? Ruining how you feel about yourself and your thoughts and perceptions everyday?
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