I'm_an_"A"_-_amends_letter_to_ex-gf

Old 03-11-2011, 10:34 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
 
Kjell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
I'm_an_"A"_-_amends_letter_to_ex-gf

Hello-

I'm an "A" (alcoholic) as you call us and I'm on step 9, which is our amends step. I've emailed my ex-girlfriend and she's agreed to accept an amends letter from me. I have a long list of amends, but this, by far, is one of my most important amends to make.

I know you won't understand it all, but I was hoping you'd take a look at my letter and let me know, from your perspective of being "on the other side", your thoughts.

I'll also run this by my sponsor.

Hi (removed)-
First and foremost – thank you for allowing me to do this.

I’m in AA and I’ve been sober since 01/01/10. Part of being in AA is working the 12 steps of the program. One of these steps is an amend step and that’s what I’m attempting to do here.

I’m hoping to make amends to you for the harms I’ve done. I believe I owe you many, many amends for my general behavior while we dated and after we broke up.

I was selfish, dishonest, reckless and drunk, high, hung over far too often and because of this behavior, I wasn’t a good boyfriend to you and I’m very sorry for that. I think deep down I wanted to be and that’s why I struggled so much, but my intentions don’t count here and I realize that now. I also now understand it’s what I do, it’s what I say, and it’s how I treat people that matters.

There are also many specific amends and it’s possible I may be leaving some out. If I am, please let me know so we can address them specifically, if you’re so inclined.

I’m sorry for every single time I drank too much. Every single time I did any illegal drugs. Every single time I was hung over and not available to you. Every single time I choose getting drunk and/or doing drugs over you, or our relationship, or any plans we made. I’m sorry for every single time I embarrassed you or made it hard/uncomfortable on you in any way.

I’m sorry for every single time I lied to you about my drinking, what I did while partying, or my involvement in any way regarding drugs. I’m sorry for every single time my selfishness and reckless behavior caused you to worry or feel any negative emotions.

…and every, single, time I drove with or without you in the car while either drunk or high. I can’t believe how reckless, selfish, and irresponsible I was, but I completely understand now.

I left you at a bar and at a party to get drugs. You tried to help me both times after both of these incidents. I’m sure you were confused and furious at me. I’m sorry.

There were times when you, with good reason, would call me “out” on my poor behavior and I would argue with you, or try to push the focus on you, or try to justify my actions. I was wrong. Dead wrong. I apologize.

I’m sorry for getting drunk and my behavior in general, while I was out of town either for tradeshows or trips without you. I now understand why this was wrong and how it must have made you feel.

I know I probably made it hard on you at work and my mind is just now becoming clear enough to understand just how ridicules and embarrassing I was. I’m sorry.

I also know that after we broke up I was a JERK, especially in Portland. I’m so embarrassed about my actions after we broke up and you had every right to break up with me. I understand that now.

I’m hoping we can speak about this further, but either way, please let me know what I can do to make this up to you. If I’ve left anything out (and I’m assuming I have), I’d really like to know about it.
Sincerely,
(removed)
Kjell is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 10:46 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Too elaborate, too verbose, and way too many "I'm sorry."

How about this:

Dear __________________

Since it is not a good idea for us to meet in person at this time, I want you to know I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for the following:

(list all your 'I'm sorry' incidents without the 'I'm sorry)

I apologize for everything including what I may have missed above.

Is there anything I can do to repair the damage I have done?

Sincerely,

Kjell


She's heard "I'm sorry" too many times, they won't mean a thing.

The above may not mean a thing either. But this is coming from you in an 'HONEST' attempt to correct YOUR WRONGS.

Then before you send it, and after talking with your sponsor, sit and meditate, get right with HP and then listen and listen hard for any further word from HP.

Then send it.

I understand from your previous posts over in the alcoholism forums that she will not meet with you, so a letter is your only recourse at this time.

However, I must ask, have you asked and listened for an answer from HP if this is the correct time? Or, by continuing to be the best you can be, and improving your life and doing the next right thing, (and yes it will get back to the ex how you are changing your life) might it be better to wait a bit longer so that there is the chance of doing this amend in person?

Some of my most very important amends (in my mind) did not get made until I was 2 to 3 years sober, as HP seemed to continue to indicate to me that they MUST be made in person.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 10:53 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
What are your expectations here?
nodaybut2day is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 10:56 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
...I know you won't understand it all...
This will come off harsh but you are asking for honest input from the "other side".

We probably understood if far better than you did at the time and we probably still understand it just as well now.

With that said, congratulations on your sobriety. It sounds like you're...sorry.
I know it's good to end letters with some sort of an action plan. Many of us found leaving our A's to be the single hardest thing imaginable. Once we've made that decision to detach, break up, divorce, etc., hearing the request to speak again would be at the top of my no, no list.

I don't know how to get around that but I noticed I was triggering on that wish of yours and I wouldn't have wanted to see that coming from my A. If you're really sorry about your actions, leave it at that and try not to invite further interactions by speaking to one another. If she finds your letter sincere, she will do what she wants but just proceed with caution. Our wounds are huge and take a very long time to heal.
Shellcrusher is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 11:22 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Kjell

Congrats on your sobriety - how great for you - i pray it continues and so does your growth in your recovery program.

From my perspective ~ I can't tell you if your letter is right or wrong - I can only tell you what I wish I would have heard and/or seen from my ex A.

I wish I would have heard an acknowledgement of my many years of emotional & financial support.
I wish I would have gotten validation of the emotional stress and abuse the disease & his behaviors caused our home.
I wish that his actions would have reflected a true change in his behaviors
I wish I would have seen a true attempt at some financial amends
I wish he would have never said "I'm sorry or I apologize" to me ever again - I heard it a million times - I would have rather heard "I truly regret how much I have hurt you, our daughters & our grandchildren"
I wish he would be a living amends - rather than write another letter, give another speech or make another promise that to me holds about the same worth as plug nickel. . .

He and I will never be able to restore our marriage - we are far beyond that point - but a living amends to me would be a true & honesty attempt to restore his relationship with our daughters and grandchildren.

That would mean more to me than any letter could ever express.

Just my experience, strength and hope - not to belittle, degrade or discount your feelings - just sharing my true heart from someone affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction for a very very long time.

Praying your God's very very best for you as you Trudge the Road to Happy Destiny!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 11:29 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
kjell, everyone else here has offered very good advice and word-smithing suggestions. I just want to say thanks for sharing because it made me smile and hope that one day, I too will receive some acknowledgment for the horrid experiences of the last 4 years. Congrats on your sobriety and your sincerity today.

I hope you won't be disappointed by a negative outcome, though. As shellcrusher said, our wounds can run very deep, especially if we haven't done anything to address them (like work our own program).

Good luck to you!
~T
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 12:08 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
 
Kjell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi all-

Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate every one of them.

@Laurie - Ok, I get your point about too many "sorrys" and too elaborate.
Also, it's not that she won't met with me, it's that I moved from VA and now live in GA. I'm simply unable to do this in person as I'm unable to go to VA at this time. I've spoken to my sponsor about this and he thinks it's ok to do this via phone/letter. My exGF and I agreed that I'd write a letter and then we'd speak (if she wants to after reading my letter).
It's confusing, anytime I'm "listening" for God's direction, so I don't know if this is a good time or not, but I've already contacted her and she's expecting this letter.

@nodaybut2day- My intentions are to complete my step 9 so I can move forward from holding on to all these negative emotions and baggage from my past. I also really want to apologize to her and make amends. I'm still very embarresed and ashamed of myself, even after all these years.

@shellcrusther- Thanks for that. I really doubt she will be triggered (I haven't seen her in 2.5 years w/ no contact), but what do I know. I believe she's already engaged and moved on, but I don't know as she's in VA and I'm in GA and I'm not really in contact with many of our former multual friends. I had to change my people, places, and things to get and stay sober and moving to another state really helped.

@Pink - thanks! We don't have kids and we never lived together and I was very good at paying for things, so there isn't any financial amends to make here.

@Tuffgirl - I hope you get your amends, but even if you don't, I wish you healing b/c you deserve it.

Thanks again!
Kjell
Kjell is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 12:14 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
kjell,

thank you very much for that moving amends letter.
I could write it to someone, or have one written to me.
sigh.....

Beth
wicked is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 12:16 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Good luck with it, Kjell.

This is your gig but I know you've made alot of us happy today. It's a glimmer of hope for all our As that sobriety is possible. Some of the best stuff I get around here are from sober As.
Shellcrusher is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 12:25 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
 
Kjell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Some of the best stuff I get around here are from sober As.
I have to admit that I wasn't sure if I should post this in this forum or not, but I'm really glad I did.

It feels good to get your advice and I'm very grateful for my sobriety.

Kjell~
Kjell is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 12:31 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Kjell,
Hi.
My RAH was living with us.
He attended the minimum meetings, etc, before I had to put him out.
He lives alone now, and if he decides to dig deeper into the program, yay for him.

There was something that happened when he was here, one night when he had been to s meeting.
We were just about to fall asleep.

He said
" I know you stood by me, waiting for me to help myself, and I know you have loved me. I feel so awful right now about how hard it must have been for you to be in love with and try to care for someone who used everything he could get his hands on to destroy himself. And I tried to destroy you because you loved me, and that didn't make sense to me.
I also think about how sometimes you probably were embarrassed that you loved me. I was acting so horrible, and I treated you bad. I'm sorry. I wish I didn't do that to you. I realize right now that I can't take any of that back. I can just try to stop draining and start feeding good stuff."

It was something that made me cry. It was, firstly, true, and it was specific to something that he recognized that I had actually gone through.

In the 4 months here, it was his most authentic communication to me.
Buffalo66 is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 12:36 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi Kjell..

Congratulations on your sobriety and your step work. I agree that you only have to list then express regret/remorse/sorry once.

The only advice I would give is 'speak' from your heart.. honestly, without agenda and without expectation from your ex and you probably won't go far wrong.

TY for sharing :ghug3

Tx
tallulah is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 12:40 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
I have to admit that I wasn't sure if I should post this in this forum or not, but I'm really glad I did.

It feels good to get your advice and I'm very grateful for my sobriety.

Kjell~
Kjell - there are several recovering A's that post in these forums - I love love love them!!

In my recovery - making friends with non-family members that were recovering alcoholics/addicts, listening to them share their stories, their recovery, their struggles ~ helped me gain an understanding of this disease and develop a healthy compassion for my ex AH, my daughter & step-son that still suffer.

To me it's another one of my God's tools that He uses to broaden my little mind to help me understand, grow and love!

Thanks so much for stopping by & I personally hope you continue to hang around!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 12:53 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
@nodaybut2day- My intentions are to complete my step 9 so I can move forward from holding on to all these negative emotions and baggage from my past. I also really want to apologize to her and make amends. I'm still very embarresed and ashamed of myself, even after all these years.
For this, I applaud you. It is very difficult to let go of the outcome of things, but you seem genuinely motivated to simply complete the step and move on. Bravo.
nodaybut2day is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 01:26 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
We do get input over here from several Recovering Alcoholics (RAs), and I always love when they stop by because they always offer a different perspective on things, and upon occasion even help relieve some of the guilt we feel when originally breaking away from our A's (and allowing them to hit their own bottom without our enabling).

Thank you for being brave enough to come over here.
Posting in this forum is a risk, in some ways, because we are very good at determining intentions, and weeding out the genuine RA's from those using "stinkin thinkin."
You sound like you genuinely want to complete your amends, to the best of your ability, and move on with no expectations regarding the results. Good for you, and good luck and much strength as you continue to work on your steps and your sobriety.

I will confess, your letter made me cry. It sounds like you have thought a lot about this.
I do agree with the removal of the repeated "I'm sorry" phrases - there are plenty of other ways to say "I'm sorry," but that phrase means nothing to me now because it was used against me as manipulation, and I myself said it endlessly to apologize for things that were not my fault so that the raging till stop. It will be a long time before "I'm sorry" conjures anything other than those memories, for me.

Just speak from your heart, say what you mean, and it will mean everything.
StarCat is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 04:49 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Babyblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I applaud you for writing this and you did put it in context in another post (no kids, never lived together). Buffalo66's example stood out for me in that he reflected the pain she felt and not just apologized for his behavior.

It is a good letter overall. Maybe if you probe a bit deeper into how some of your actions made her feel it would express how sorry you are. Addressing someone else's feelings are tricky but acknowledging that you know your actions caused great pain is an awesome step in recovery.

best of luck
Babyblue is offline  
Old 03-12-2011, 12:29 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hey Kjell

With amends i learned that the other party concerned will, more than likely, not be carrying around all these resentments unless they are very sick themselves, therefore it is not really prudent to list every single thing that is still in your head about what went wrong whether they are sick or not! If they are unwell they will cop many more resentments against you and if they are well it will just seem like you are dumping all your stuff at their door...again!

I'm not sure who told you to put that you are in recovery either? This is not relevant in the case of making an amend unless the subject is broached in person by the other party, e.g. you are looking well, you seem different etc.

Rule of thumb is the shorter the amend the better, keep it to the point and non specific unless you are making an amend for a particular event, e.g. stealing once from someone...

Remember the point of amends is to clear our side of the street, it is not to make us feel better nor the other person...if you bear that in mind and not try and project what the other person wants to hear you will be surprised at the result...

Ask these guys/girls what quacking like a duck means and what they used to hear from their partners...this will being it home to you what i mean with regard to your letter posted below:-)
yeahgr8 is offline  
Old 03-28-2011, 11:32 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
 
Kjell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi all-

It took me a few weeks, but I've made some changes and I thought I'd post my (updated) letter. I'm going to run this by my sponsor tomorrow, but again, might as well utilize our wonderful online community as well.

Any input is appreciated as you can tell this amend is a "big one" for me.

Hi (removed)-
First and foremost – thank you for allowing me to do this.

I’m in AA and I’ve been sober since 01/01/10. Part of being in AA is working the 12 steps of the program. One of these steps is an amend step and that’s what I’m attempting to do here.

I’m hoping to make amends to you for the harms I’ve done. I believe I owe you many, many amends for my general behavior while we dated and after we broke up.

I was selfish, dishonest, reckless and drunk, high, hung over far too often and because of this behavior, I wasn’t a good boyfriend to you and I’m very sorry for that.

There are also many specific amends and it’s possible I may be leaving some out. If I am, please let me know so we can address them specifically, if you’re so inclined.

I’m sorry for…
• Every single time I drank too much.
• Every single time I did any illegal drugs.
• Every single time I was hung over and not available to you.
• Every single time I choose getting drunk and/or doing drugs over you, or our relationship, or any plans we made and every single time I embarrassed you or made it hard/uncomfortable on you in any way.
• I’m sorry for every single time I lied to you about my drinking, what I did while partying, or my involvement in any way regarding drugs.
• Every single time my selfishness and reckless behavior caused you to worry or feel any negative emotions.
• Every, single, time I drove with or without you in the car while either drunk or high. I can’t believe how reckless, selfish, and irresponsible I was, but I completely understand now.
• Both times I left you (once at a bar, another at a party) to go get drugs.
• There were times when you, with good reason, would call me “out” on my poor behavior and I would argue with you, or try to push the focus on you, or try to justify my actions. I was wrong, dead wrong and I know that now.
• I’m sorry for getting drunk and my behavior in general, while I was out of town either for tradeshows or on trips without you. I now understand why this was wrong and how it must have made you feel.
• I know I probably made it hard on you at work and my mind is just now becoming clear enough to understand just how ridicules and embarrassing I was.
• I also know that after we broke up I was a JERK, especially in Portland. I’m so embarrassed about my actions after we broke up and you had every right to break up with me. I understand that now.

I’m hoping we can speak about this further, but either way, please let me know what I can do to make this up to you. If I’ve left anything out (and I’m assuming I have), I’d really like to know about it.

Sincerely,
(removed)
Kjell is offline  
Old 03-28-2011, 12:32 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
This brought me to tears today. Thanks for sharing with us. I imagine many of us here will never see such a heartfelt owning of personal responsibility from our loved ones. I respect the heck out of you for doing such a thorough job. That's very honorable, and I hope your xgf appreciates it for what it is.
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 03-28-2011, 01:24 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
recoverywfaith's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 2,464
Kjell,

You are doing great...and pray that all your amends brings peace and healing for everyone.
recoverywfaith is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:05 AM.