Drug testing AH??
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Drug testing AH??
So he is home today and "ran errands" this morning. He came home and appeared to be under the influence (talks differently, tight jaw, talks w/hands, goes to bathroom right after eating, can just see it in his face). He actually asked me what was up with us. He normally doesn't communicate about our "issues" so this helped with my suspicion.
I told him I wasn't sure, that I was taking it one day at a time. I told him that our last fight was the breaking point for me and he said that he's tired of being accused of doing something he is not; his excuse for telling me I was f-in crazy, mentioning divorce, and called me the "c" word. He said he isn't using and I suggested a drug test. He said he would take the test but then again said he isn't using and mentioned his anger and possible depression and that he needed to see the doc. This is something I suggested to him if it isn't drug use. I told him yes, he needs to see the doc and he needs to take care of it himself.
So I'm afraid to test him.. but know I should. I'm positive he's using but so afraid if the test comes back negative. I shouldn't be, but there's that questioning ourselves. I'm looking at the First Check 12 drug test which tests for oxycodone. Looking for input if you have tested your AH and the outcome.
Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
I told him I wasn't sure, that I was taking it one day at a time. I told him that our last fight was the breaking point for me and he said that he's tired of being accused of doing something he is not; his excuse for telling me I was f-in crazy, mentioning divorce, and called me the "c" word. He said he isn't using and I suggested a drug test. He said he would take the test but then again said he isn't using and mentioned his anger and possible depression and that he needed to see the doc. This is something I suggested to him if it isn't drug use. I told him yes, he needs to see the doc and he needs to take care of it himself.
So I'm afraid to test him.. but know I should. I'm positive he's using but so afraid if the test comes back negative. I shouldn't be, but there's that questioning ourselves. I'm looking at the First Check 12 drug test which tests for oxycodone. Looking for input if you have tested your AH and the outcome.
Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
Im not familiar with the drug testing, but have to ask you teddybear, regardless of the test results do you want to be treated like that? is that
acceptable?
I hope you start taking care of yourself first and worry about yourself and
make some decisions that will give you a better life, you deserve that.
acceptable?
I hope you start taking care of yourself first and worry about yourself and
make some decisions that will give you a better life, you deserve that.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,853
Well, it's your decision, but I would just trust my gut. If you believe in your gut that he is using, then he probably is. I've never been a fan of being the testing police. There are ways to beat those tests, anyway, so you'll never be absolutely sure if it's accurate or not.
Whether he is using or not, it is obvious that he has some major issues that are causing you problems. His general attitude toward you and his verbal abuse would be a major issue for me.
Whether he is using or not, it is obvious that he has some major issues that are causing you problems. His general attitude toward you and his verbal abuse would be a major issue for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Well, here is my take on this....here goes....
1. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck - its a duck! If he acts like he acts when he is using, he probably is.
2. It isn't really gonna matter which test you get, because how exactly are you going to force him to take it? And if/when it comes up positive, do you really want to put up with the "you got a bad test; the results are wrong;the test is expired; etc." tirade that will follow?
3. Him calling you a name, making threats, and calling you crazy is abuse. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he is an addict. Alcohol/drug use may lower a person's inhibitions about engaging in those behaviors, but they don't cause them. That kind of behavior is about his attitudes towards you. A counselor named Lundy Bancroft - who has decades of experience working with abusive men - wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and made the following very clear (summarized from an old post of mine):
Among the things he makes clear in his book is that abuse - ANY type, whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or financial - is about POWER. It has nothing to with whether a person was abused as a child or they are addicted to something or have a stressful job or whatever. Plenty of people have those problems and are not abusive. Another thing he makes clear is that abuse in not a relationship problem - it is a personal problem...and its the other person's problem. The book is very insightful on the various techniques and methods used by abusive people to break down the thought patterns and self esteem of those they mistreat.
Alcohol and drugs may lower their resistance to restraining those types of behavior, but they DO NOT cause them. Attitudes about their perceived importance and your unimportance cause abuse. Not drugs and alcohol
Sorry if I sound a little strident but this kind of stuff was what I had to put up with for a while and I have some pretty strong opinions on it.
And just remember - he can call you any name he likes, but if he called you a chair would that make you one?
Stay strong!
1. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck - its a duck! If he acts like he acts when he is using, he probably is.
2. It isn't really gonna matter which test you get, because how exactly are you going to force him to take it? And if/when it comes up positive, do you really want to put up with the "you got a bad test; the results are wrong;the test is expired; etc." tirade that will follow?
3. Him calling you a name, making threats, and calling you crazy is abuse. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he is an addict. Alcohol/drug use may lower a person's inhibitions about engaging in those behaviors, but they don't cause them. That kind of behavior is about his attitudes towards you. A counselor named Lundy Bancroft - who has decades of experience working with abusive men - wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and made the following very clear (summarized from an old post of mine):
Among the things he makes clear in his book is that abuse - ANY type, whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or financial - is about POWER. It has nothing to with whether a person was abused as a child or they are addicted to something or have a stressful job or whatever. Plenty of people have those problems and are not abusive. Another thing he makes clear is that abuse in not a relationship problem - it is a personal problem...and its the other person's problem. The book is very insightful on the various techniques and methods used by abusive people to break down the thought patterns and self esteem of those they mistreat.
Alcohol and drugs may lower their resistance to restraining those types of behavior, but they DO NOT cause them. Attitudes about their perceived importance and your unimportance cause abuse. Not drugs and alcohol
Sorry if I sound a little strident but this kind of stuff was what I had to put up with for a while and I have some pretty strong opinions on it.
And just remember - he can call you any name he likes, but if he called you a chair would that make you one?
Stay strong!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Tam, your question is a great one... thank you. No, I do not want to be treated like that.
I have been asking myself that for quite some time which is why I am now here looking for strength. I am contemplating leaving. As I told him, if he suspected my use and I wasn't using, I would be concerned and want to prove I was clean, not get angry. It's like I just need that confirmation that he is using to prove his denial before I can make that step to leave. A friend recently gave me a quote that I should abide by, "Ask yourself, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" I would rather be happy, but I'm finding it difficult to throw 20 years of my life away just going on my gut feelings, his changes, and having small bits of evidence.
I'm getting better at taking care of myself. I've discussed all this with my doc, I made an appointment for reiki next week (haven't been in months and find that lifts so much from my shoulders), and I'm going out with friends this evening.
I have been asking myself that for quite some time which is why I am now here looking for strength. I am contemplating leaving. As I told him, if he suspected my use and I wasn't using, I would be concerned and want to prove I was clean, not get angry. It's like I just need that confirmation that he is using to prove his denial before I can make that step to leave. A friend recently gave me a quote that I should abide by, "Ask yourself, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" I would rather be happy, but I'm finding it difficult to throw 20 years of my life away just going on my gut feelings, his changes, and having small bits of evidence.
I'm getting better at taking care of myself. I've discussed all this with my doc, I made an appointment for reiki next week (haven't been in months and find that lifts so much from my shoulders), and I'm going out with friends this evening.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
teddybear, I understand what your going through, your on a fence right now. you want validation to leave and you want validation to stay. been there done that as Im sure many others can relate to that. but I just wanted to say, you didnt nor will you be throwing away 20 years of your life, things happen, things like addiction where we come to a point where we just cant live with it anymore. for me, I didnt throw away 27 years, he did. I have many many fond memories of our marriage and drugs will never take that away from me. I dont regret anything as like I said things just happen. Im sorry it ended but I didnt make that choice, he did so where does that leave us? I hope I get another 20 years of life and I hope he does too, but for me its time to move on to my next journey. what is it ,where it is, I dont know yet, but all we can do is try to live a life we enjoy.
I hope you make the right decision for YOU. keep getting support. you will
get the answers when your ready. remember this didnt happen over night so it wont get better over night either..
I hope you make the right decision for YOU. keep getting support. you will
get the answers when your ready. remember this didnt happen over night so it wont get better over night either..
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Draw your personal boundaries around the kind of treatment that you are willing to accept in your life. Not around whether or not someone is using drugs.
Are you willing to put up with nasty fights in your relationship and being called a c...? If not then what changes are you willing to make in your own life so that it doesn't happen to you anymore?
Whether or not he is using drugs is irrelevant. You are responsible only for your own actions. What he does is out of your control.
Are you willing to put up with nasty fights in your relationship and being called a c...? If not then what changes are you willing to make in your own life so that it doesn't happen to you anymore?
Whether or not he is using drugs is irrelevant. You are responsible only for your own actions. What he does is out of your control.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
I did ask for a drug test. It wasn't positive, it also wasn't urine. Enough said.
I got all the excuses.....bad test....they did it wrong...etc. But I knew. That is all I needed to know.
I am also someone who needs to know. A lot was at stake. Then I knew.
I also walked out many times when the rages would start.
Mine is still a work in progress, a day at a time. My leaving & knowing the truth is what finally spurred my AH into going to rehab. As long as I was there & his everyday life wasn't affected, there was no reason for him to change.
Set your boundaries, trust your gut.
Thinking about you.
I got all the excuses.....bad test....they did it wrong...etc. But I knew. That is all I needed to know.
I am also someone who needs to know. A lot was at stake. Then I knew.
I also walked out many times when the rages would start.
Mine is still a work in progress, a day at a time. My leaving & knowing the truth is what finally spurred my AH into going to rehab. As long as I was there & his everyday life wasn't affected, there was no reason for him to change.
Set your boundaries, trust your gut.
Thinking about you.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by BarelyHere 
As long as I was there & his everyday life wasn't affected, there was no reason for him to change.
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Hellokitty - Thank you no I'm not willing to put up with that. This is the first time in these five years that I've been put in a major confrontational situation... where I was called names, ...and this is why I'm here on this forum. Changes I've made? I've become a lot stronger and after last weeks confrontation, I've been looking at apartment rentals; most likely moving out of our 11 year old home that we built with our own hands. I'd rather he stay here than I. I can't afford it and I'd rather not be reminded of the memories.
Outtolunch - No I don't need proof to know I'm not crazy. I want that proof for my own protection down the road. I have a lot invested here.
Tam and Barelyhere - thank you
I want to save my marriage, but I will not go to the extreme of destroying my happiness. I will not be a doormat to be walked all over. If leaving is what it takes in an attempt to help the man I love, I will. If it doesn't help him, then my life goes on without him.
no I'm not willing to put up with that. This is the first time in these five years that I've been put in a major confrontational situation... where I was called names, ...and this is why I'm here on this forum. Changes I've made? I've become a lot stronger and after last weeks confrontation, I've been looking at apartment rentals; most likely moving out of our 11 year old home that we built with our own hands. I'd rather he stay here than I. I can't afford it and I'd rather not be reminded of the memories. Outtolunch - No I don't need proof to know I'm not crazy. I want that proof for my own protection down the road. I have a lot invested here.
Tam and Barelyhere - thank you
I want to save my marriage, but I will not go to the extreme of destroying my happiness. I will not be a doormat to be walked all over. If leaving is what it takes in an attempt to help the man I love, I will. If it doesn't help him, then my life goes on without him.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
TB, I went through the same exact stage. His behavior was off, he would get nasty easy, I just knew he was using, yet did nothing because I needed the proof. I searched hi and lo for the proof. Then I started finding it. Well, I continued to do nothing! Oh, I would confront him, and it would get ugly at times, but I "did" nothing with that evidence.
I also couldn't bear the thought of "giving up". We also had almost two decades in. I basically spent my entire adult life with him and fully planned on being with him forever. We also built a dream house 11 years ago! We cleared our 3.5 acre lot by hand! It was a labor of love. I know exactly where you are. It takes time to work through all the emotions and details of the situation. You are starting to get there.
I finalized our legal separation in court this past Monday. One of the hardest things I have ever done...harder than this though was taking those first steps to this place. There hasn't been a step yet that hasn't tore me up to shreds inside. There is nothing easy about this. You have to be ready. I am not okay. I am confused and broken. But, I do have some moments of peace that I hadn't had in many years. It is a long road. But it's got to be better than dealing with another 5 years of the crud. Just offering support that I understand and fully relate.
Take care.
I also couldn't bear the thought of "giving up". We also had almost two decades in. I basically spent my entire adult life with him and fully planned on being with him forever. We also built a dream house 11 years ago! We cleared our 3.5 acre lot by hand! It was a labor of love. I know exactly where you are. It takes time to work through all the emotions and details of the situation. You are starting to get there.
I finalized our legal separation in court this past Monday. One of the hardest things I have ever done...harder than this though was taking those first steps to this place. There hasn't been a step yet that hasn't tore me up to shreds inside. There is nothing easy about this. You have to be ready. I am not okay. I am confused and broken. But, I do have some moments of peace that I hadn't had in many years. It is a long road. But it's got to be better than dealing with another 5 years of the crud. Just offering support that I understand and fully relate.
Take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
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I am not so sure that I would waste my time on the drug test, like the others mentioned you are just opening up a can of more BS. They can have many tricks up their sleeves as well to falsify the tests. After 3 or 4 days of not using many of the drugs can't be found when tested, though the brain still suffers the effects. My exah was on crack, he called me every dirty name in the book...mainly the worst one and that was good enough for me to know he was either on the crap or in need of it. I knew the minute he had gone and had a blast of it, he would come in and hum this tune, the same tune everytime, when he was wanting it he would tap his foot.
These are things that I picked up on, never though did I say anything, just kept it to myself...was my little secret.
It is great that you are taking some steps for you!
Rose
These are things that I picked up on, never though did I say anything, just kept it to myself...was my little secret.
It is great that you are taking some steps for you!
Rose
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I tested him first thing this morning when he got out of bed with the best over the counter test you can buy and it came back negative. Not sure what to say, but going to take it as a negative for what I suspect for the time being. He will be visiting the doctor to see if there is anything medically wrong. I know something isn't right and although I am becoming stronger, I'm not ready to throw in the the towel on what we've built.
My heart goes out to those of you who know where I'm coming from as you've been there are, are there now, or are dealing with the long term effect it has on you. <3
My heart goes out to those of you who know where I'm coming from as you've been there are, are there now, or are dealing with the long term effect it has on you. <3
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 18
Throwing in the towel isn't easy.
We keep thinking that we can break down that wall of addiction and make everything better. We see the door in the wall, and just keep thinking if I can get that door open and let our addict thru everything will be OK. But we needs to realize that the doorknob is on the addict's side not our's. And the addict needs to find the key for the deadbolt to open the door.
Sadly it isn't easy for them to find that key. Normally we have to walk away from that door. Everything has to walk away. So that when the addict looks thru the peephole we are standing way off in the distance with our backs turned - Maybe they will change. Maybe not. Maybe they need to see the police or grim reaper thru the peephole first to make the change.
Even knowing all of that, I still can't completely just walk away. Love has a power that can change so many things. And I feel love with strong boundaries may be enough to change my situation.
I know in my heart it is not my boyfriend I am dealing with. He is puppet and his addiction is controlling the strings.
I told my AB i am not assisting in his death anymore, and I meant it. My money will no longer go to buy drugs. I will no longer make it easy for him to score his drugs. I called his doctor's and told them of AB's abuse, praying they will cut him off. I will not cover for him anymore. He will be accountable for himself.
so I am on the fence. I can't walk away - but I can't idly sit by and watch this destruction. My life with continue to move forward. AB has to decide to move with me - I will no longer drag him by the hand to catch up with me
We keep thinking that we can break down that wall of addiction and make everything better. We see the door in the wall, and just keep thinking if I can get that door open and let our addict thru everything will be OK. But we needs to realize that the doorknob is on the addict's side not our's. And the addict needs to find the key for the deadbolt to open the door.
Sadly it isn't easy for them to find that key. Normally we have to walk away from that door. Everything has to walk away. So that when the addict looks thru the peephole we are standing way off in the distance with our backs turned - Maybe they will change. Maybe not. Maybe they need to see the police or grim reaper thru the peephole first to make the change.
Even knowing all of that, I still can't completely just walk away. Love has a power that can change so many things. And I feel love with strong boundaries may be enough to change my situation.
I know in my heart it is not my boyfriend I am dealing with. He is puppet and his addiction is controlling the strings.
I told my AB i am not assisting in his death anymore, and I meant it. My money will no longer go to buy drugs. I will no longer make it easy for him to score his drugs. I called his doctor's and told them of AB's abuse, praying they will cut him off. I will not cover for him anymore. He will be accountable for himself.
so I am on the fence. I can't walk away - but I can't idly sit by and watch this destruction. My life with continue to move forward. AB has to decide to move with me - I will no longer drag him by the hand to catch up with me
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
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I don't want to add more to your plate, just wondering as I have never seen a drug test, I am guessing much like a test for pregnancy with a stick that turns colour, do they read only certain types of drugs or does it read everything? I guess you can get many different types. Like I said, I have never used one because my exah had a perminent green circle on the middle of his forhead.
Rose
Rose
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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booboo, my experience was that when I started to do everything I could to no longer contribute, that is when things went downhill fast for us. It becomes a problem when their best enabler starts to shut things off. I hope your bf does the opposite of my husband, and starts to see the mess he is in and not blame you for it. I hope he seeks the help he needs...for his sake and yours.
I really do like your analogy. It has a lot of truth to it. And in my own situation, I did everything I could to help, support, or try to change him, essentially standing in the way of the door. That is enabling...by doing what we think is helping, we are actually standing in the way of allowing them to do what is rightfully theres to do. Now, just because we walk away from the door doesn't mean they will easily find themselves and see what needs to be done. Those of us previous enablers then have to decide how we are willing to continue living our lives. I knew at the beginning of last year that I would not spend another year playing this game with my husband. I made that vow to myself. It has been so darn hard to keep that vow to myself, but I know I deserve it. It doesn't feel any better for me yet. But I have faith that I will start to realize some positive fruits from making the right choice for me...and actually for my husband too. Altho it is hard to see what I've done as a positive by him let alone myself. I will get there someday and I truly hope my husband does too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
And teddybear, you have to do what you are comfortable doing TODAY. But I hope someday you will put yourself first. Very, very hard to do, so I say that will all due respect. Hang in there and keep educating yourself. ****{HUGS}}}
I really do like your analogy. It has a lot of truth to it. And in my own situation, I did everything I could to help, support, or try to change him, essentially standing in the way of the door. That is enabling...by doing what we think is helping, we are actually standing in the way of allowing them to do what is rightfully theres to do. Now, just because we walk away from the door doesn't mean they will easily find themselves and see what needs to be done. Those of us previous enablers then have to decide how we are willing to continue living our lives. I knew at the beginning of last year that I would not spend another year playing this game with my husband. I made that vow to myself. It has been so darn hard to keep that vow to myself, but I know I deserve it. It doesn't feel any better for me yet. But I have faith that I will start to realize some positive fruits from making the right choice for me...and actually for my husband too. Altho it is hard to see what I've done as a positive by him let alone myself. I will get there someday and I truly hope my husband does too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
And teddybear, you have to do what you are comfortable doing TODAY. But I hope someday you will put yourself first. Very, very hard to do, so I say that will all due respect. Hang in there and keep educating yourself. ****{HUGS}}}
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Rose - The test is a "First Check" test. You can learn about their tests at First Check Home Drug Tests - the most advanced home drug and health tests. Home Drug Test Information. The test I used checks for 12 drugs found in urine.
booboo - Your words are touching. It's amazing what we have to go through to bring out our strength. Continue to have that strength. Sending hugs your way.
newnormal - thank you and thank you for the hugs ..sending hugs back
Although the test was negative I am still educating myself and definitely going to continue to work on putting my needs ahead of others regardless of whether he approves or not. And I will no longer be afraid to speak my mind. He appeared clean all weekend which really questions what I saw before as I've read that with oxy's, if their using often enough they'll be sick without them. Again, so confused.
booboo - Your words are touching. It's amazing what we have to go through to bring out our strength. Continue to have that strength. Sending hugs your way.
newnormal - thank you and thank you for the hugs ..sending hugs back
Although the test was negative I am still educating myself and definitely going to continue to work on putting my needs ahead of others regardless of whether he approves or not. And I will no longer be afraid to speak my mind. He appeared clean all weekend which really questions what I saw before as I've read that with oxy's, if their using often enough they'll be sick without them. Again, so confused.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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hi teddybear,
i just stumbled across your post and i can see myself in your situation. i never tested my AH, for one b/c he would never take a test or wouldn't buy one himself which i felt was his responsibility and then the other reason is b/c i was half way afraid to.
most of the time i would know when he was using once i got the hang of it. certain ways he would say certain words, etc. currently, i am living w/ my parents w/ 2 kids for about a month. and it is hard. i went back and forth all of last year and this time i accidentally caught him leaving his drug user/dealer friend's house, he denied using, but said that he wouldn't take a drug test b/c he didn't do anything wrong.
i'm completely with you when saying if someone questioned you about using and you knew you didn't, you would take the test just to prove that you're clean. exactly right, that's how "normal" people think, IMO.
i understand that the test came back negative and i can see where that would make you doubt yourself even more. and it is ok. with addiction, it gets worse with time and the time will tell. in order to be ready to leave you have to be comfortable w/ that decision. as the time passes you will be able to either see more evidence or not. i would still trust your gut.
i am not sure about oxy, my AH uses coke, which i know only stays in his system for about 3 days for the urine test purposes. also i have known him not to use for up to 2-3 months at a time. so in order to test him you kinda had to do it at the right time.
anyways, i don't know if i helped any. i'm sorry about what you are going through.
my hugs and prayers go out to you.
i just stumbled across your post and i can see myself in your situation. i never tested my AH, for one b/c he would never take a test or wouldn't buy one himself which i felt was his responsibility and then the other reason is b/c i was half way afraid to.
most of the time i would know when he was using once i got the hang of it. certain ways he would say certain words, etc. currently, i am living w/ my parents w/ 2 kids for about a month. and it is hard. i went back and forth all of last year and this time i accidentally caught him leaving his drug user/dealer friend's house, he denied using, but said that he wouldn't take a drug test b/c he didn't do anything wrong.
i'm completely with you when saying if someone questioned you about using and you knew you didn't, you would take the test just to prove that you're clean. exactly right, that's how "normal" people think, IMO.
i understand that the test came back negative and i can see where that would make you doubt yourself even more. and it is ok. with addiction, it gets worse with time and the time will tell. in order to be ready to leave you have to be comfortable w/ that decision. as the time passes you will be able to either see more evidence or not. i would still trust your gut.
i am not sure about oxy, my AH uses coke, which i know only stays in his system for about 3 days for the urine test purposes. also i have known him not to use for up to 2-3 months at a time. so in order to test him you kinda had to do it at the right time.
anyways, i don't know if i helped any. i'm sorry about what you are going through.
my hugs and prayers go out to you.
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