Want to verify that I'm not the only one...

Old 03-09-2011, 03:39 PM
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Want to verify that I'm not the only one...

This is just a question I have, it helped me to base my decision to say I want to leave....

So STBX is gone a lot, he always has been. For example, last week he worked his 3 12's and on the last day he texted me @ 6:30am and would be home a little later. I left at 9 for class and he still wasn't home. I got a text around 2 that he was at his grandpa's and fell asleep, but he didn't get home until 4. At that point he showered, changed clothes and was gone by 6 to hang with his friends, home around 10 that night. All in all he was gone for a straight 23 hours, and out of 48 hours he was home 5 hours.

Other times he's been gone over night and other long hours, always without me knowing that he'd be gone that long and never a phone call to let me know he wasn't coming home.

This isn't uncommon for him. What I'm getting to is that I find this upsetting and a reason to not trust him. He on the other hand has always viewed it as okay and doesn't see anything wrong.

Really though, this isn't normal by any standard is it? Because I don't think it is.
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Old 03-09-2011, 03:53 PM
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Nope.
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Old 03-09-2011, 04:00 PM
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My feelings are that if someone wants to be gone from home so much, they have no business being married. JMHO.
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Old 03-09-2011, 04:10 PM
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IMO, it's not normal in an established committed relationship to just disappear. I would personally hope for a little communication. Not really asking permission, but a "Hey, Love, Grandpa needs a little help around the place so I'll be there overnight so we can knock out a bunch of projects. Then the guys will be at Joe's house and I thought I'd head over there."

That being said. That's what I would want. It's not what I got.

Your STBX has no problem with HIM staying out for that long. I wonder what he would do, how he would feel, if YOU stayed out for a 24 hour period, often. I can guarantee, had I done it even once, XAH would have been in my face about affairs and cheating, etc. However, he was free to stay out all night with his team mates. I'm not saying to try it, but just wondering. After one all-night binge without calls, I asked XAH that question: How would you feel if I did that? He tensed, his face when ape-sh-t angry then statue calm, "I'd be fine with that." Yeaaaaaaah.

Do you feel comfortable talking with him about it? Do you think he's really just clueless that he's not being considerate? Would talking to him make any difference in his behavior? It turns out that XAH wasn't clueless, he just thought different rules applied to him than applied to me.
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Old 03-09-2011, 04:42 PM
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Your singing my song my friend!

I have nothing...except if I even go to alnon he acts like I'm going to be gone for a week...ridiculous.
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Old 03-09-2011, 05:20 PM
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I think mostly if this is not what you want in a relationship, that's all you need to know.
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Old 03-09-2011, 05:28 PM
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No, it's not "normal".

My RAH was acting just this same way, staying away, making up cockamamie reasons for why, neglecting the son he 'worked so hard to get sober for'... Neglecting me, seeing to his own immature instant needs and not helping me w parenting actions, worries or decisions.
He even complained abt the house, said he wanted to leave. Then he thought getting cable and Internet back would solve everything.
Not.
I eventually forced his hand in leaving.
He treated us like s common bed and breakfast.
Now he lives in a tiny institution style college campus apartment.
Good for him.
He calls to "check in", does what he wants, and I don't count on him or worry about him.
He is sober but not recovering.
He is living like the teenager he really is.
All I miss is the sex, and that became something that I had become too resentful at his absence to enjoy.
I don't have a knot in my stomach anymore.
I don't sit at home going over the speech I will recite when he decides we are good enough to come home to.

I just let him be.
Grant me the SERENITY to accept what I cannot change.
And the strength to do what I can

I have a measure more serenity now.
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
No, it's not "normal".

My RAH was acting just this same way, staying away, making up cockamamie reasons for why, neglecting the son he 'worked so hard to get sober for'... Neglecting me, seeing to his own immature instant needs and not helping me w parenting actions, worries or decisions.
He even complained abt the house, said he wanted to leave. Then he thought getting cable and Internet back would solve everything.
Not.
I eventually forced his hand in leaving.
He treated us like s common bed and breakfast.
Now he lives in a tiny institution style college campus apartment.
Good for him.
He calls to "check in", does what he wants, and I don't count on him or worry about him.
He is sober but not recovering.
He is living like the teenager he really is.
All I miss is the sex, and that became something that I had become too resentful at his absence to enjoy.
I don't have a knot in my stomach anymore.
I don't sit at home going over the speech I will recite when he decides we are good enough to come home to.

I just let him be.
Grant me the SERENITY to accept what I cannot change.
And the strength to do what I can

I have a measure more serenity now.
wow, I think we're married to the same guy....BUT mine wants new furniture instead of cable!
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Old 03-09-2011, 09:20 PM
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It doesn't matter if it's "normal" or if it's okay in someone else's relationship. The only thing that matters is whether or not it's acceptable to you. You are allowed to define what is okay for you and what isn't. If it isn't, then you don't have to accept it. Simple.

L
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Old 03-09-2011, 10:39 PM
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Ditto LTD. But no. It's not normal. And I think it is a good question to ask, because I know that I lost track of what "normal" was. What "acceptable" was. I lost the ability to be able to even determine whether something was acceptable to me or not.
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Old 03-10-2011, 03:30 AM
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I was once having a discussion with my psychotherapist about not having any contact with family members.

That old saying about 'you cant choose your family but you can choose your friends' He said that he didn't agree with that because we all deserve to have people in our lives who are respectful, supportive, trustful, that care about you and are attentive and adaptable. Just because they are family doesn't mean that we should accept them in our lives if they dont have at least some of the qualities I mentioned above.

I know were not talking about family members here but your other half should definitely have some/most of these qualities, after-all this is the person who we have chosen to be part of our lives, be intimate with, to love and that works both ways.

A phone call is an easy way to let you know not to wait up for him or when he will be home and is also a simple way of letting you know that he respects you, cares about you, that he can be trusted and hes being attentive by keeping in touch. Is that really too much to ask for from a loved one. Of course, the occasional slip up (falling asleep) is fine but if its happening regularly then I would suggest that it shows a lack of respect for your feelings and is not normal.
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Old 03-10-2011, 05:50 AM
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selfish

He is selfish.

As with any other A.
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Old 03-10-2011, 08:58 AM
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Not normal for a loving, close and respectful relationship. And I agree with the person who said we lose track of what is "normal or acceptable" after a while. Living with an active A can do that, blur the lines. However, I do agree that we have our own standards of what we individually want in a relationship. If you don't feel it's something that is okay in your relationship with someone, then it's not, regardless of what your partner thinks.

My RXABF would stay out all night. No notice, no phone call, no nothing. I was niave enough to think he was too drunk to come home so he slept out. This was not acceptable to me and I voiced it many times. I know for a fact if I ever did that in return, he would say I abandoned our daughter. His excuse of why he could do it and I couldn't was because I didn't drink like he did. I would have no reason and it would be out of my character. Nice justification in his mind.

Here's what I found out. He wasn't just out all night drunk. He was out using drugs. Duh, I lived with this man for 3 years and never knew he had a coke habit which is why he would pick fights to leave, or just plain go out and not come home. My RA friend woke me up to that one day. His words were, "Him: He drives drunk other times, right? Me: Yes Him: Well do you really believe he suddenly got a conscience and decided to stay off the road because he drank too much? Me: Well, no I guess. Him: I am an addict. I am telling you I'd bet my last dollar that he is out doing drugs. Me: Really?????? Oh. But he said he'd never do drugs. I've asked him many times and he looks me right in the fact and says no, I'd never do that."

And I was already in Al-Anon for 1 1/2 years and knew he was an active alcoholic. DUH!!!!!! To this day I still feel stupid.

I'm not saying that is what is going on in your relationship at all. What I am saying is when our significant others choose to stay out all night, justify the behavior and claim it's okay when you know damn well it wouldn't be okay if you did the same thing back, there probably isn't anything good going on. No matter what it is. In my opinion, it's never okay for a partner to stay out all night with no phone call unless you have an agreement.

Peace,
Jen
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:27 AM
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Ex would tell me he that he "had to go and do something" and walk out of the door, never any discussion. It didn't matter how many times I explaine that I didn't want him to ask permission, but that it was part of a loving relationship to check that I would be OK staying in looking after our children on my own, that I didn't have plans for me, that essentially he was demanding I look after our kids with no option by walking out the door, he never once changed.

He would sometimes ring and say he'd be home in half an hour, this was always a lie, he often was not anywhere it was possible to be home in half an hour from, or he'd say he just had to help some friend in need, whatever. "half an hour always meant "gone until at least the wee small hours". I stopped answering the phone, becasue I knew he was doing a big "performance" to his mates about how under the thumb he was having to check in with me, and his words were always lies.

sometimes it was drugs, sometimes it was just more alcohol, no responsibility, basically it was just doing whatever he wanted right then, utter and complete self-centredness, and he got a kick out of getting away with it, like a teenager would in gettign to convince their parent it was ok to stay out all night: he acted like this no matter what I said or did or didn't say or didn't do, and in fact acted like this when at the end I was glad he was staying out because it meant I didn't have to deal with his abuse.
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Old 03-10-2011, 05:26 PM
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May I gently suggest..

...that the fact it isn't blatantly obvious to you that this is not normal is indicative that the damage you've incurred from the disease has hurt your thinker?

If you haven't already sought recovery of your own through Alanon, counseling, or both, please consider doing so. I know that engaging with both saved my life.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. Let me be clear that no matter how you look at it something is wrong here. If you are not willing to live the rest of your life this way, please consider making a change.
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Old 03-10-2011, 05:50 PM
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No, to me its not normal.

Please listen to the advice above. You are not helpless and if you want things to change, then they will change, but you got to take different steps (nothing changes if nothing changes)

Also might I gently suggest for you to get checked for STDs/HIV? I just read someone's post about a lady getting HIV thanks to her partner's adventures.

You inahaze are a great woman who has gone through a lot already, imagine if you lost your physical health? and for what? please take care of yourself. I, dear inahaze, have the feeling you are playing with fire.
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Old 03-10-2011, 06:06 PM
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I used to tell my RAH
"All I want is for us to be NORMAL"...
and he always denied we were anything but.

Of course I actually started to believe it,
accepted it
and now when he's in Recovery and pulling the same stuff, being gone ALL the time, ignoring me and the kids
and doing it in a very shady way as well, I've decided I always KNEW it wasn't normal to be treated this way.

I knew it was wrong.
It was disrespectful and I won't accept it anymore.
that, my friends, is why when he said he wasn't sure if he loved me and wanted to leave, after completely falling apart for a few days, I pulled myself up and DECIDED that I don't want someone who doesn't love me.

Part of that love is showing proper respect; something I've done without for FAR too long.
It feels good to know I'm saving ME.
and I am setting a better example for what is acceptable and unacceptable in a marriage to my kids...who Lord knows, have not had the best example so far!

I was talking to someone today who had only heard my RAH side of the story, the day after he told me, and she was sooo worried about me.
I was like WHY?
This is baggage that I don't mind losing. This is hardly just HIS decision. I told her now he wants to stay...but I've come to realize I want him to leave.
I don't have any desire to spend the next 20 yrs putting up w/ the same crap I've put up with for the past 20 yrs. No way!
this is, as I think someone posted...is like I won the lottery.
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Old 03-10-2011, 06:22 PM
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Hugs, blwinthewind. Very corageous steps you have taken. When things are so confusing, yes, plain old basic respect is what its about. At least I can now identify when its there and when it isn't..
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Old 03-10-2011, 07:17 PM
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Ugh, I guess this is a common problem with alcoholics, they really are unable to care about others...

I am starting to realize that my AH basically wants to live like a teenager. He says he wants to live back with our family, but any time he is with us and actually has to be responsible he seems miserable. He wants the kids but only on his terms. I kicked him out and he honestly seems much happier living with his parents, not having to work and getting to go to recovery meetings with all his buddies every day. I asked him tonight to think about what he really wants out of life because I don't want him to just come back here thinking he wants this and can handle it and disappointing us again. It would be better for us to divorce than to live like this. I want a grown man for a husband (or no husband at all sounds okay too!).
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