ElChupacabra

I keep pledging to get sober. The anxiety and depression are too much.

But each time I relapse. I am on my own having split up with my fiancé almost a year ago. I am also out of work and depressed as he'll, partly due to all the stresses I have faced over recent years.

I long for a life of happiness without drink. But every minute of every day is horrid I miss my ex so much. All my friends have moved away. Drinking is all that takes away the pain.

It is 11am. I have been awake since 5am. I am sooooo tired but cannot fall asleep. I am supposed to meet a friend tonight so I am trying to hold off the drink until then. I hate how i feel right now though. This is making life not worth living.

Bamboozle

Hey, ElC.

I couldn't stay sober until I got help for depression. I couldn't make it more than 80 days in a row before relapsing--I had suicidal thoughts all the time. I now go to therapy and take meds for depression.

I hope you'll talk to a doctor about how you feel.

ElChupacabra

The doctors just brush me off with SRRIs despite them giving me a bad reaction once before.

I have bought 5htp after reading about it online but I don't take that either because I heard it shouldn't be mixed with booze. I am at home all day tomorrow. I may give it ago and see what happens by trying to abstain.

least

I have found my weekly sessions with my addiction counselor very helpful, both in staying sober and with other aspects of my life. Is counseling a possibility for you? You're not a failure, you're an alcoholic - that's what we do, we drink. I hope you can get the help you need to stay sober.

stugotz

Least nailed it. As alcoholics thats what we do. Getting sober ruined a perfectly good case of depression for me, you may just have to stick it out for a bit. Good luck.

ste

If you can't help yourself.........
Is any inpatient care available to you in London? That may be what you need.

Floridachick

We discussed relief vs. relapse last night in my outpatient group. I paraphrase here but: Relapse prone people are motivated to recover, but the effect of the relapse is so painful they cannot recover in spite of their best efforts. My understanding is that is quite common in the case of relapse, and it strikes me that one would be frightened and feel out of control if one was not aware of that.

I know I drank because I knew of no other way to relieve the pain. By pain I mean emotional pain in general. In order to get relief, I do such things as go to a meeting, meditate and pray, exercise, doing something nice for someone else (even if it is just a smile), encourage someone who is down. If I can manage to knock the edge off of that pain, I'm good for the time being. I would think that the source of that relief would be different for every person.

It is my hope that as I make a habit of these activities, the pain will lessen. That, and if I am being kind to others, there is less to feel bad about in the future.

You are not a failure.

sezegg

I felt the same, every time id get sober I would miss my ex so much and get depressed and give in to the drink, the only thing i would say is while your drinking you wont get over your ex. Its taken me 4 years and only now while im sober can i move on and get over him.

Anna

Antidepressants act differently from each other, in my experience, so don't write off all antidepressants. I had some bad experiences too, but found one that works for me.

And, be patient with yourself and your situation. As you begin to recover, you can make changes in your life to help you meet new people. You can't drink away the pain as I'm sure you're figuring out. You need to deal with the pain, let it go, and then remove forward.

Opivotal

I know when I was drinking I could do nothing but wallow in my pain. I wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself. Did nothing but dwell in the why's of everything. I guess my coping skills were lacking. Drinking did nothing but exacerbate the problems. It's an awful place to get stuck in. I'm not saying the hurts and problems go away when you stop drinking but you cannot move forward in your life until you deal with them.

We all live with regrets. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. We can't change the past but we sure can change the future. It's worth it El ! It seems like its impossible while drinking. Maybe try another route. Maybe try some counseling, try a meeting, try anything but Drinking. You will stay stuck in that awful place. A place I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Best Wishes to You! :ghug3

Tlizard

yeah it's easy to get stuck in the self when we spend most of our time alone,even when i was amongst people during my addiction I pulled back full access,unless of course i was drinking.My point is it's important to get outside your own head and think about something else but your problems,we can't think ourselves out of our problems,we already tried that and it didn't work,we addicts have thinking problems and the best way to get away from thinking is to get around people and talk,thats why AA is such a relief to people like us,we can chill a bit and get the finger off the trigger for a whileGood luck,

EmeraldRose

There's that F word again.

"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, this time more wisely."

May I just say that as long as your are drinking you will never get over your ex. Booze maskes your true emotions. That's why they have the phrase 'crying in your beer'.
You will never go thru process of forgetting about him and moving on if you continue to drink. By drinking, you are hiding the problem, deadening the pain, not fully dealing with the situation and when you sober up you haven't solved anything.
You need to deal with it sober. Get over it and get on...
Try addiction counseling, AA, rehab...anything other than meeting friends to drink.
Good Luck --and I know that's easy for me to say!

reggiewayne

Elchup, sorry you are having a tough time. Just know that things will get better if we take some daily action. I remember being out of work, hungover daily, being sad, feeling sorry for myself, etc... My favorite saying used to be "You'd drink to if you had my problems".

Just know that your problems are not unique. Many people have lost jobs, lost finaces, and much worse. In recovery we find gratitude. There are plenty of good things in your life, you just have to remind yourself. Write them down. Write down the things you are grateful for. Health, family, this site, etc...

My recovery is AA based. When I came to AA is felt hopeless, ashamed, alone, scared, pissed off, angry, etc... For me, to take away my alcohol, was to take away my solution for my life's problems. See for me, the only time I felt "in control" is when I was drinking. So to not drink meant to be miserable. I have learned another way to live and so can you.

If you want to get better, but don't change anything, you probably won't. I say that from experience. I have a life today that doesn't even resemble my old life in any way. We get better a little at a time. But it does take action. I would reccommend giving AA a try if you're open to it. It's given me a life I never thought I deserved.

Best of luck to you!

Change4life

I dont have much advice as I am suffering as well from alcoholism and depression, but I would like to say....YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!

drent

you are not a failure. you are trying. don't give up on yourself. value your time alone. you can learn a lot about yourself. it can be very positive.

michelle01

I am hoping you can see that alcohol is not your friend in this situation. Many of us suffer from depression and anxiety in early sobriety, it is fairly normal, it is essential to get help/support from somewhere and have it looked into further if the symptoms do not abate in time.

I broke so many of my sobriety resolutions until I finally accepted the nature of my condition, and reached out for some assistance.

JoeStrummer

I know about the pain of breakup my friend. My wife, the love of my life, threw me out months ago after an episode of alcohol related infidelity. I deserved it, but my initial reaction was self-pity, depression, and more drinking. I have finally sobered up. I still miss my wife badly and will probably never fully stop beating myself up for my years of alchohol fueled stupidity, but I can honestly say that now that I am sober I finally feel that I am on the right track. I love waking up without a hangover, not having to lie, not being ashamed of myself. I feel pretty good, in spite of facing the heartbreak of losing my wife. At least I know that I would feel far worse if I was still drinking.