New here and in love with an addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 2
New here and in love with an addict
I am not sure where to start. I have been in a relationship for three years with a crack cocaine addict who occasionally does meth. He has lied so much there has been loss of trust. He has pawned the x box I gave him as a gift over and over. It is in the pawn shop now. He would disappear for days and I would worry sick that he was dead somewhere. Now he has checked himself into a treatment for thirty days. But is that enough. Will I ever trust him? Can I ever have a healthy relationship with him? He has been to treatment many times. Why would it work this time? I went to my first al anon meeting. I don't like myself much. I think I am addicted to him. I have issues with wanting to control him to protect him. I am all messed up. I cry and can't sleep. I want so much to be with him. Can he change or is that my wishful thinking?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Welcome to SR! Glad you found us! You have asked a lot of questions, but, unfortunately, we don't know the answers. They will be revealed in time. I do know that it is almost impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has abused your trust. We all deserve a relationship where we receive as much love and caring as we give. Unfortunately, addicts are simply unable to do that. Their main/only concern is their next high.
You deserve better. While he is gone, why not work on yourself and your self-esteem because you most certainly DO deserve a healthy relationship.
You deserve better. While he is gone, why not work on yourself and your self-esteem because you most certainly DO deserve a healthy relationship.
Thank you Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey Dangel
Welcome to SR......there are a lot of people here who understand exactly how you are feeling. We love addicts too.
It is very wise of you to recognize that you are addicted to your boyfriend. We do get as addicted to them as they are to their drug of choice. And it's not healthy for them or for us.
My AS has been through treatment several times. I ask the same questions that you have asked. But when it comes down to it, we don't control them. We have no control over their addiction or their recovery so eventually we come to the conclusion that we CAN control ourselves and our addiction to them. We can take care of ourselves and begin to establish healthy boundaries. We can heal.
I hope you stick around and I hope you find comfort here knowing that you are not alone. I did.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR......there are a lot of people here who understand exactly how you are feeling. We love addicts too.
It is very wise of you to recognize that you are addicted to your boyfriend. We do get as addicted to them as they are to their drug of choice. And it's not healthy for them or for us.
My AS has been through treatment several times. I ask the same questions that you have asked. But when it comes down to it, we don't control them. We have no control over their addiction or their recovery so eventually we come to the conclusion that we CAN control ourselves and our addiction to them. We can take care of ourselves and begin to establish healthy boundaries. We can heal.
I hope you stick around and I hope you find comfort here knowing that you are not alone. I did.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Welcome to SR Dangel,
One thing I can tell you is, every question you have asked are all question we have all asked at one time or another. We are all here for the same, a loved one with an addiction, have many of the same situations happening but different outcomes.
It is really sad to hear you say that you don't like yourself...hope your BF's problem is not making you feel this way. It is great knews that you are going to al-anon, try your best to keep going as much as you can...so much support with others that understand what others don't.
He doesn't know and we don't know if this time in treatment will be the last, but it has not been a loss as there is always some information that is retained eachtime.
Rose
One thing I can tell you is, every question you have asked are all question we have all asked at one time or another. We are all here for the same, a loved one with an addiction, have many of the same situations happening but different outcomes.
It is really sad to hear you say that you don't like yourself...hope your BF's problem is not making you feel this way. It is great knews that you are going to al-anon, try your best to keep going as much as you can...so much support with others that understand what others don't.
He doesn't know and we don't know if this time in treatment will be the last, but it has not been a loss as there is always some information that is retained eachtime.
Rose
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Dangel,
So glad you found us, sorry for your reason why, but you're in the right place. Lots of great people here, with the same experience you are going through.
Please read the stickies at the top of the page, and there's a book that's a fantastic read, called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, you may be able to find it used. It's an oldie, but a goodie.
Please stick around, keep posting,
So glad you found us, sorry for your reason why, but you're in the right place. Lots of great people here, with the same experience you are going through.
Please read the stickies at the top of the page, and there's a book that's a fantastic read, called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, you may be able to find it used. It's an oldie, but a goodie.
Please stick around, keep posting,
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Dangel,
Welcome and I'm glad that you have found us. I definitely understand your questions and can relate to your feelings. 6 years ago I first posted here with the same sort of questions and worries. My husband (then boyfriend) had a 20 year history of crack abuse.
I don't think any of us can predict who will and who won't embrace sobriety and recovery. I know that the best thing that I ever did for me was make the decision to focus on my recovery. I worked it as hard as I wanted him to work it. The more that I worked it the less I worried about my questions about him. Things seemed to fall into place and my questions seemed to get answered the more that I worked on me.
I definitely was horribly addicted to my boyfriend....about as bad as you can get. I've learned alot by going to meetings, reading the sticky's, posting, and working a program. I feel like it saved my life.
I don't know the anwers to your questions. As they say - more will be revealed. I definitely trust in that. As for trust... My husband (then ABF) lied lied lied to me and also cheated on me. I'm not very proud to say that even with all of that that I stayed with him. But I did. The more that I've learned to trust myself the more I don't worry about whether I can trust him or not. It took me several years but now I really don't worry (much) about any of that. Mainly because I know that I can trust myself to honor my consequences should he turn out to be not trust worthy.
My husband went to many many many treatments....90 day inpt programs again and again. Each time that he went he learned a little more. Until finally he really did put some time together. He's been sober for almost 6 years now. I wouldn't wish my last 6 years on anyone...but the same way that it took what it took for him - it also took what it took for me.
I hope that you will stick around...you will find many people that understand how you feel.
Welcome and I'm glad that you have found us. I definitely understand your questions and can relate to your feelings. 6 years ago I first posted here with the same sort of questions and worries. My husband (then boyfriend) had a 20 year history of crack abuse.
I don't think any of us can predict who will and who won't embrace sobriety and recovery. I know that the best thing that I ever did for me was make the decision to focus on my recovery. I worked it as hard as I wanted him to work it. The more that I worked it the less I worried about my questions about him. Things seemed to fall into place and my questions seemed to get answered the more that I worked on me.
I definitely was horribly addicted to my boyfriend....about as bad as you can get. I've learned alot by going to meetings, reading the sticky's, posting, and working a program. I feel like it saved my life.
I don't know the anwers to your questions. As they say - more will be revealed. I definitely trust in that. As for trust... My husband (then ABF) lied lied lied to me and also cheated on me. I'm not very proud to say that even with all of that that I stayed with him. But I did. The more that I've learned to trust myself the more I don't worry about whether I can trust him or not. It took me several years but now I really don't worry (much) about any of that. Mainly because I know that I can trust myself to honor my consequences should he turn out to be not trust worthy.
My husband went to many many many treatments....90 day inpt programs again and again. Each time that he went he learned a little more. Until finally he really did put some time together. He's been sober for almost 6 years now. I wouldn't wish my last 6 years on anyone...but the same way that it took what it took for him - it also took what it took for me.
I hope that you will stick around...you will find many people that understand how you feel.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Surrey
Posts: 135
He has to want to change. It's not an easy road. If I could do it differently I would have run the minute I found out the person I was with was an addict. I stayed and stayed. I don't think it's done either of us any good. Time is precious. Life has been sad and there has been lots of damage. I wouldn't advise someone to stay with an addict anymore. It's good to go to meetings. I know everyone makes there own decisions. I shouldn't say what to do. In the end our heart guides us. But if I could do it again, I would have run and run and run.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm sorry to hijack this thread but I do agree with you Faithfully....I should have run and run and run. I was completely "in love" and this colored all of my ability to make good decisions for myself and my sons. I am a "success story" in terms of addiction....my husband got sober and so far has remained sober. BUT......it has come at a huge cost to me and my well-being. The only person that I have to blame for this situation is myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Courage is needed on your Behaf.When my wife left me,bringing our child with her and left me to fend for myself ,I got the greatest shock of mylife.
I eventually faced my Addictions............because I could not loose them.
I am clean and sober today and looking back this was the wake up I needed to get me on the road to recovery.
Look after yourself.....Keep going to AlAnon,and Tune in here Regularally
Im many years Clean and sober now.
Good luck to ye.
I eventually faced my Addictions............because I could not loose them.
I am clean and sober today and looking back this was the wake up I needed to get me on the road to recovery.
Look after yourself.....Keep going to AlAnon,and Tune in here Regularally
Im many years Clean and sober now.
Good luck to ye.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: pittsburgh pa
Posts: 31
I know what your feeling, and everyone told me to leave him and you cant change the addict. I didnt listen. I assumed my addict was different, that these people on here dont know the compassionate and loving person that i knew. But they do. They were right. Their addicts were just as compassionate and loving, an addict is an addict. Move on. Get out of the relationship. There are plenty fish in teh sea. It will only get worse if you stay, trust me!
Remember two things:
Change is the toughest thing a human being can do.
&&
You can never change another human being; you can only change yourself. Once you change, they may change, but you cannot change them.
Remember two things:
Change is the toughest thing a human being can do.
&&
You can never change another human being; you can only change yourself. Once you change, they may change, but you cannot change them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Hi Dangel. I am CrackQuack. 25 months clean. I am a crack addict and occasionally I sneak into friends and family because I want to remember how badly we treat our friends and family while in active addiction and I also like to see if I can help sometimes or just offer a few kind words.
Everyone's journey will vary. My journey has been blessed in that I told the man I was dating, in 2008, that I am a crack addict trying to get clean. I told him that in December. In January 2009 I went on a binge and lied to him. Claimed I was sick. Several times. I don't think he knows to this day. That is something I'll have to ask him, but the very last relapse I had was February2009 and I started to make a change. I called him and told him. Completely told him it was understandable if he never wanted to see me again but I do think a small part of him is codie (I am not his first addict, he almost married the first one he dated but she passed away unfortunately). He kept asking why over and over and over, but he decided to make some changes (no alcohol in the house and we were not going to drink anymore for a while he said), I was to go to meetings. He told me that he thought it would be a good idea if I looked for different employment, away from the element where I picked up my drugs. We talked about it and it did prompt me to make changes. I vowed not to do any mind altering substances for a year (other than the obvious- caffiene and nicotine). I went to meetings, a lot and lot of meetings. LOL. I got through that first year, one day at a time. More than two years later I am clean and in school and working. Best of all I don't feel like I am a burden because he now keeps beer in the house and can drink in comfort. I was confused why he thought he wanted to get rid of alcohol because crack is my problem. I don't care about alcohol one way or another. But after awhile I realized it wasn't what the substance was, it could be bad for me and it DID prompt me to make changes. We're still together and he is very supportive of me when those, now rare, cravings come. When I had been in an accident before New Year 2011, missing school and work, and then work was picking on me over missing, I wanted to use but I told him and my friends and family about it and they all stepped up to the plate and helped me get through this.
Basically you cannot control him, like everyone else said. You CAN help him but only when he is honestly ready to change and ready to accept help. While he is away, please think about trying more al-anon or nar-anon meetings so you can focus on yourself. Don't be hard on yourself, please. You didn't cause his addiction either. I am sorry you don't like yourself.
Wish I could help you with that. Just keep working on it. He may or may not change, but that is up to him. You may have a happy ending and you may not. It's more a matter of how much you are willing to deal with. Learn to set boundies and keep those boundries. Don' bend on them, ok? It helps to keep the addict in line. We're kind of like kids. Once you bend the rules, we'll keep pushing until the rules are broken completely and we're all back at square one. *HUGS*
Everyone's journey will vary. My journey has been blessed in that I told the man I was dating, in 2008, that I am a crack addict trying to get clean. I told him that in December. In January 2009 I went on a binge and lied to him. Claimed I was sick. Several times. I don't think he knows to this day. That is something I'll have to ask him, but the very last relapse I had was February2009 and I started to make a change. I called him and told him. Completely told him it was understandable if he never wanted to see me again but I do think a small part of him is codie (I am not his first addict, he almost married the first one he dated but she passed away unfortunately). He kept asking why over and over and over, but he decided to make some changes (no alcohol in the house and we were not going to drink anymore for a while he said), I was to go to meetings. He told me that he thought it would be a good idea if I looked for different employment, away from the element where I picked up my drugs. We talked about it and it did prompt me to make changes. I vowed not to do any mind altering substances for a year (other than the obvious- caffiene and nicotine). I went to meetings, a lot and lot of meetings. LOL. I got through that first year, one day at a time. More than two years later I am clean and in school and working. Best of all I don't feel like I am a burden because he now keeps beer in the house and can drink in comfort. I was confused why he thought he wanted to get rid of alcohol because crack is my problem. I don't care about alcohol one way or another. But after awhile I realized it wasn't what the substance was, it could be bad for me and it DID prompt me to make changes. We're still together and he is very supportive of me when those, now rare, cravings come. When I had been in an accident before New Year 2011, missing school and work, and then work was picking on me over missing, I wanted to use but I told him and my friends and family about it and they all stepped up to the plate and helped me get through this.
Basically you cannot control him, like everyone else said. You CAN help him but only when he is honestly ready to change and ready to accept help. While he is away, please think about trying more al-anon or nar-anon meetings so you can focus on yourself. Don't be hard on yourself, please. You didn't cause his addiction either. I am sorry you don't like yourself.
Wish I could help you with that. Just keep working on it. He may or may not change, but that is up to him. You may have a happy ending and you may not. It's more a matter of how much you are willing to deal with. Learn to set boundies and keep those boundries. Don' bend on them, ok? It helps to keep the addict in line. We're kind of like kids. Once you bend the rules, we'll keep pushing until the rules are broken completely and we're all back at square one. *HUGS*
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