GettingBy

Hi folks... I'm not sure where to start. I was on here 6-7 years ago, right after my husband and I first married. Back then there was drinking issues, he was staying out late, sometimes not even coming home. I screamed, I begged, I manipulated... then I found Al-Anon. I shifted focus, I took care of me... I got healthy, and happy. The drinking subsided but it never really went away for good. Life moved on to happy times - a daughter in 2006, a son in 2008... lots of great things for both of our careers, a new house... a picture perfect life, or so it seemed on the outside.

I don't recall a specific point when the drinking started up again. I think it was a gradual increase, like the frog in a pot of warm water - slowly heating until I finally realized a few weeks ago... I'm sitting in a pot of boiling water, and I want out.

There was a few incidents last fall, and of course the follow up "I'm sorry, it won't happen again. I'm going to get the drinking under control." emails. I let it go and let god. I focused on me, and the kids, and then in the midst of it all, I was diagnosed with Stage II malignant melanoma. I worked even harder on taking care of me - not realizing that trouble was brewing. I had gotten so good at being detached that I was oblivious to the anger inside him.

We were to go out of town for a friends wedding. He was angry, making it difficult for me to plan... intentionally staying late at work to delay leaving... I saw the red flags. At one point I even said, "Geez, it feels like I shouldn't even go this weekend." But it was my good friend's wedding I wanted to be there for her. He and my brother-in-law got drunk, very drunk, and they pulled one of there usual drunk stunts. I detached, I walked away but my sister didn't. Her and her husband got physical. I tried to break them up and ended up getting choked too. The cops were called - my husband got angry. I didn't know it at the time, but he (in his drunken incoherence) thought I had called them on him. He got mad, and grabbed me by my throat. He yelled at me, called me terrible names - threatened to leave me and go home and take our children (we were 6 hours from home). He was out of his mind drunk and then he wanted me to get in the car with him. I didn't react. I left him to his own choices and consequences. The next day I said my peace and told him exactly what happened and how it made me feel. He admitted to grabbing my throat.

Two weeks later... I'm stuck. I'm scared. He came home drunk this past Friday - and I was riddled with fear. I've never been scared of him drunk before. My fears in the past were of him getting in an accident, getting a DWI, spending all our money... now, I could care less about those things. I worry about me. I worry about him getting angry, and me not being able to reason with him. I worry about it getting physical in front of the kids. I say the word "domestic violence"... and I am unsure. Is this really happening? Am I making too big of a deal out of it? I don't think so. I think I'd be stupid to ignore it. I never in my life imagined him laying a hand on me. It was never an issue before. Now, if I'm honest with myself... I know that violence only escalates, particularly if there's alcohol in the mix.

When and how do you stop the cycle? I've been on the merry-go-round for almost 10 years and I think its time to get off. I don't want to break up my childrens' home, but I also don't want them growing up in an unhealthy environment.

laurie6781

What you have just described is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

Please call your nearest DV center NOW and ask for help. They can get you and the children out of there. This is no way for you or your children to live, and don't kid yourself those kids feel your fear and the tension.

DV centers can help you with many things, temporary housing, counseling, legal aid, counseling for the kids, help if need be in getting permanent housing away from the abuser.

I have worked iwth many over the years in the DV center here locally and I can tell you that he will continue to escalate and next time it may not just be grabbing you by the throat but much worse.

Please start working on a 'safety plan' for you and the kids (the DV center can help you with this also) now.

Please keep posting and keep in touch so we can help in spirit if not face to face.

Love and hugs,

suki44883

I agree with Laurie. Please call this number

1.800.787.3224 National Domestic Violence Hotline

They can help you with a plan to get you and your children away safely. Once they become physically violent, it can escalate very quickly. Now that he's done it once, it makes it very easy to do it again. Please. get. help.

Bolina

Welcome back, GettingBy!

He tried to strangle you when he was drunk and that didn't stop him going out and drinking again? It's completely out of order that he did it in the first place (did the cops press charges?) but not to show remorse, blame you for calling the cops (wtf??!!) AND then go and drink again. The mind boggles.

Yes, this is domestic violence. You know that. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can advise you of your options.

Glad you came back - there's good advice in the stickies too as I'm sure you know.

StarCat

There are a lot of helpful topics here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Right now, especially this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html


If your thought process is like mine, you'll be blaming yourself because you didn't decide not to go. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have every right to go to your good friend's wedding.
I allowed my abusive XABF to prevent me from attending my best friend's wedding (it was only two hours away), and it is one of the biggest regrets of my life, and something I can never get back. I allowed him to manipulate me out of so many things I wanted to do, so many memories I wanted to have, simply because I felt it would be "my fault" if he blew up because I went.
That's not normal - that's abuse.



I remember something similar being stated in the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Brancroft. Detaching, in any way, is dangerous in domestic violence situations because it enrages the abuser, and also cuts off the victim from being able to read the warning signs. The only safe way to detach in a violent relationship is to remove yourself from it. I remember feeling a sense of clarity when I read that, because however much I detached, my XABF got worse behavior-wise, until I felt worse (and more frightened) than before I tried to detach at all.
That book helped open my eyes so much to so many things I had been hiding from myself. You might want to stop by the book study thread, and consider finding your own copy of the book, it helps that much:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...apter-one.html

Be safe.

barb dwyer

Nothing to add other than welcome back
and that I can't possibly say any of this any better
than it's just been said.

I'm posting to let you know
that someone else has read the thread
and agrees with what's been said here.

tallulah

I echo everything said in the thread.

I don't know if he has been abusive in the past (either by words or actions), but grabbing you by the throat and throttling you IS abuse.

It rarely gets better and more often than not escalates. Also you have to consider that 'accidents' can and do happen; he may not mean to do something, but that's not going to help if he loses control completely and puts you in the hospital or worse.

It's a big old red flag.. one you shouldn't ignore.

Tx

GettingBy

Thank you all for the thoughts and comments.

I have so badly wanted to deny that it's domestic violence - but that's my sickness kicking in.

I like the idea of a safety plan. That's exactly what I need now.

selman2

Detaching, in any way, is dangerous in domestic violence situations because it enrages the abuser, and also cuts off the victim from being able to read the warning signs.

What does that mean.I live with a violent addict and I am detaching right now and this worries me. Do you mean that if we live in abusive households we should not detach?

passionfruit

I sat in disbelief with blood running down my face one night where my husband had punched me in the nose.

It was surreal. I thought this cannot be happening as he hovered over me choking me as I begged for mercy.

I thought how can he be so callous when I was so beat up, bruised, and couldn't move my arm at all after one of his fits.

As he drug me by my hair, from one room to the next, I thought this only happens in movies.........Ha..

It doesn't.

And you can convince yourself all day long, it's not as bad as I think.

The truth is: it is probably worse than you think.

And only you can recognize that and change that.

StarCat

It means that you cannot use detachment the way that Al-Anon teaches.
You should detach to the point where you are not fully emotionally wrapped up in his craziness, but you cannot detach to the point where you don't have a "finger on the pulse" of what he might do.
It's a safety issue. You need to be aware enough of his mood to know when you need to get out for awhile, and sometimes (like in my case) you need to pretend you're still wrapped up in his upsets (because in XABF's case, if I did not react when he was upset, he came after me next).

Basically, you need to detach, but not as completely as those with non-abusive alcoholics, because you need enough input on your volatile environment to know what you have to do to stay safe. Does that make sense?

selman2

Yes makes sense. I get a little manic with trying to remember it all.I know I need to go to Al-anon but am having trouble walking through the front door.It's easier for me to post where no one is looking at me. I am working on that

suki44883

What is going on? Is there something in the air or water?? This is the third thread I've read today where the A has escalated and become more aggressive. Please! Take care of yourselves and do not minimize their actions. Use extreme caution regarding any communication and do NOT communicate if you can at all help it. Please.

nodaybut2day

There is abuse.
There are children.
There is an alkie active in his addiction, with the potential of becoming violent again.

I don't usually counsel to "act now", but in this case, yes, it's time to get an exit strategy in place and leave.

LexieCat

I second (or third, or whatever it is by now) the STRONG recommendation that you contact the local DV agency.

Like alcoholism, abuse only gets worse, not better, with time.

GettingBy

I agree that detaching does work in a non-abusive situation. I was okay with being detached before - leaving him to deal with the consequences of his behavior. Keeping myself and the children out of the path of his chaotic and irresponsible behavior.

I am not as detached now. I was on high alert when he walked in on Friday night. He was drunk and in the mood to chat/debate me - trying to act like he wasn't drunk and still able to carry on an intelligent conversation. I was sensitive to his demeanor and body language... careful not in "instigate". I waited for him to pass out on the couch and then I went upstairs and brought the dog with me. I barely slept - on edge, fearful of him and what he could do. It was awful. Fortunately, he didn't do anything. He came up to bed about 3-4 hours later. Then apologized on Saturday for "falling asleep on our conversation." I didn't say much... couldn't even be around him. I knew in my heart that our marriage was forever changed... I don't trust him anymore.

I did speak briefly to him on Sunday night. I told him that I was still very upset with what went on at the wedding. I told him that the situation has escalated and my coping mechanisms aren't going to work anymore. I know I can't control him and his drinking, but I do need to protect myself. I told him that I never imagined ever in my life that I would be a victim of "domestic violence" and that I didn't want to wait around to see if it that too was going to escalate. It was a one-sided conversation. I talked, he listened. We haven't spoken since.

He came home tonight. Didn't join us for dinner, and then went to bed at 7 pm. This is how he reacts to his screw ups. He sulks and goes silent... some times days... some times weeks. Avoiding me and causing undo tension in the house. Usually waiting for me to "forgive and forget".

Everything has changed. I have changed. I will not be detached anymore. And I certainly wont forgive, or ever forget the feeling of his hand on my throat. It's wierd - when I think back on that moment, or when I talk to my friends about it - my throat ceases up and aches... taking me right back to that moment, and reminding me just how awful and scary it was.

suki44883

Please keep yourself and your children safe. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a plan. Please, call the domestic violence hotline. They can help you formulate a plan.

1.800.787.3224

MayaandMe

Hi,

I think you know what you need to do. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition.
Protect your kids. Just keep doing the next right thing.

LS2

Oh yes, it could turn into worse things. That is so scary! and I hope you can find a safe place for yourself and kids. We have the same age kids, I had a daughter in 06 and son in 08. I don't have any other advice, other than I am sorta in the same crappy situation.

DMC

There is a new law on the books in NY, which addresses DV strangulation specifically, upgrading it to felony status (there are actually 3 different degrees, but it specifically deals with this type of assault). Many other states have acknowledged this as well. An attack that involves strangulation is a significant predictor of future mortality. Yes, mortality.

Be safe. Be careful. Call for help, safety planning advice and support. Does he check your computer? Does he know you're here? Delete your browsing history, just in case.

And keep us posted, because we're worried about you.