More alcoholic game-playing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
More alcoholic game-playing?
Hi SR friends,
I have a situation that arose that I would love feedback on. Today is my RAH's birthday. About a week ago, I offered to take him out to dinner (with my 13 yr old, who was excited by the idea). He at first said yes, then over the course of the week has decided again that we can't have a relationship if we aren't living with him in his house (blah blah quack quack). He then took his niece and nephews to a movie, which he actually texted me to tell me he was doing this, which was the response to my text asking if we were still on for a birthday dinner? I canceled the reservation after that. He seems to spend inordinate amounts of time with other people yet says he can't spend time with his wife and step daughters because we don't live in his house.
Then this morning he texted me again asking if we were still on for dinner?! WTF?
I said no; given the level of game playing lately along with the lack of response to my offer to make a reservation I didn't have the desire to dine with him tonight and wished him a happy birthday.
I am sitting here now feeling tricked and disgusted. But most importantly set up for failure. Am I missing something here or did I just get caught up, unbeknownst to me, on the damn roller coaster again?! Just when I was doing so well as avoiding that ride? Gosh relapse sucks!!!
I have a situation that arose that I would love feedback on. Today is my RAH's birthday. About a week ago, I offered to take him out to dinner (with my 13 yr old, who was excited by the idea). He at first said yes, then over the course of the week has decided again that we can't have a relationship if we aren't living with him in his house (blah blah quack quack). He then took his niece and nephews to a movie, which he actually texted me to tell me he was doing this, which was the response to my text asking if we were still on for a birthday dinner? I canceled the reservation after that. He seems to spend inordinate amounts of time with other people yet says he can't spend time with his wife and step daughters because we don't live in his house.
Then this morning he texted me again asking if we were still on for dinner?! WTF?
I said no; given the level of game playing lately along with the lack of response to my offer to make a reservation I didn't have the desire to dine with him tonight and wished him a happy birthday.
I am sitting here now feeling tricked and disgusted. But most importantly set up for failure. Am I missing something here or did I just get caught up, unbeknownst to me, on the damn roller coaster again?! Just when I was doing so well as avoiding that ride? Gosh relapse sucks!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
He at first said yes, then over the course of the week has decided again that we can't have a relationship if we aren't living with him in his house (blah blah quack quack).
Who said anything about relationship? This was about a birthday dinner.
Your good grace for thinking of him and inviting him to dinner was answered with some ********.
It really is not you, it is him.
You are being punished for not living with him.
He is not clear on this yet.
Maybe stop trying to be a reasonable person, he is obviously not on the same playing field let alone the same city.
Beth
You can do this.
I can so relate to the roller coaster.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Thanks for your post TG. Next week is my "R"AH birthday and me being the person that I am have already been thinking about what I might do for celebrating. Of course I don't feel totally up to it and your post confirms my last thought - I am not going to plan anything. He can do something with the kids and either he or they can arrange it.
If I have time I will maybe make a pie and just drop it off to him and will not even expect any thanks or acknowledgement.
I am the family planner but my AH actions are not conducive to bringing us together as a family.
BTW - moving back together was "put on a shelf" at one of our counseling sessions last month, so there is no back and forth about that issue.
Reading your posts I see you are so strong and have a lot of courage to stick it out with your RAH. You are always cognizant of other poster's feelings and always offer positive comments.
My wish is that you remember some of your own advice and focus on yourself and what you need. It's his birthday to do what he wants with it, you gave him a choice.
Enjoy your time, maybe take your 13 year old out to dinner and have some fun!
If I have time I will maybe make a pie and just drop it off to him and will not even expect any thanks or acknowledgement.
I am the family planner but my AH actions are not conducive to bringing us together as a family.
BTW - moving back together was "put on a shelf" at one of our counseling sessions last month, so there is no back and forth about that issue.
Reading your posts I see you are so strong and have a lot of courage to stick it out with your RAH. You are always cognizant of other poster's feelings and always offer positive comments.
My wish is that you remember some of your own advice and focus on yourself and what you need. It's his birthday to do what he wants with it, you gave him a choice.
Enjoy your time, maybe take your 13 year old out to dinner and have some fun!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Selinsgrove,Pa
Posts: 26
This past Friday was my ABF birthday. I made secret plans to take him to his favorite Rest also and a movie. I got him a basic card (.99) my bad ,and one from our cats aka our kids. Between the combination of alcohol and Xanax he slept the whole day away.Next day he said I never made his birthday special. He's 52...........quack, quack
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Originally Posted by wicked 
Yes, he is being an insufferable drunk. What a hoser.
Who said anything about relationship? This was about a birthday dinner.
Your good grace for thinking of him and inviting him to dinner was answered with some ********.
It really is not you, it is him.
You are being punished for not living with him.
He is not clear on this yet.
Maybe stop trying to be a reasonable person, he is obviously not on the same playing field let alone the same city.
Beth
You can do this.
Who said anything about relationship? This was about a birthday dinner.
Your good grace for thinking of him and inviting him to dinner was answered with some ********.
It really is not you, it is him.
You are being punished for not living with him.
He is not clear on this yet.
Maybe stop trying to be a reasonable person, he is obviously not on the same playing field let alone the same city.
Beth
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I'm thinking he's lost his mind.
He isn't sure what he feels therefore is being wishy washy.
My mom keeps telling me not to expect things of people and you'll never be dissappointed but I just don't agree.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to expect kind and decent behavior...whether they are A, RA or normies. What makes these A so special that they deserve special treatment?
Why do I need to excuse his bad behavior? Because he's an A? That makes no sense to me.
I think I would take out the 13 yr old and enjoy your evening. Don't let his stupid mind-games of manipulation get to you. Although I like saying it's the disease, not the person sometimes it really IS the person w/out the disease hiding who he really is.
He isn't sure what he feels therefore is being wishy washy.
My mom keeps telling me not to expect things of people and you'll never be dissappointed but I just don't agree.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to expect kind and decent behavior...whether they are A, RA or normies. What makes these A so special that they deserve special treatment?
Why do I need to excuse his bad behavior? Because he's an A? That makes no sense to me.
I think I would take out the 13 yr old and enjoy your evening. Don't let his stupid mind-games of manipulation get to you. Although I like saying it's the disease, not the person sometimes it really IS the person w/out the disease hiding who he really is.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
[QUOTE=blwninthewind;2888802]
My mom keeps telling me not to expect things of people and you'll never be dissappointed but I just don't agree.
[QUOTE]
You can expect things. You can trust others.
You can expect and trust that alcoholics will lie, minipulate, minimize, blame, dismiss, avoid, get angry, sweet talk, deny, etc.
Hugs, peace
My mom keeps telling me not to expect things of people and you'll never be dissappointed but I just don't agree.
[QUOTE]
You can expect things. You can trust others.
You can expect and trust that alcoholics will lie, minipulate, minimize, blame, dismiss, avoid, get angry, sweet talk, deny, etc.
Hugs, peace
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
What kind of person has such an ego problem that they have to try to convince you that they may decide not to grace you with their presence?
or that they have options besides you?
or set you up to be the bad guy?
Aren't you glad you don't have such an insecure ego? All that ego baggage must be heavy, I'm glad I don't carry that type of ego around with me!
There's the positive in this story. You have a healthy ego and are sane. Doesn't it feel good? Yeah!
or that they have options besides you?
or set you up to be the bad guy?
Aren't you glad you don't have such an insecure ego? All that ego baggage must be heavy, I'm glad I don't carry that type of ego around with me!
There's the positive in this story. You have a healthy ego and are sane. Doesn't it feel good? Yeah!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 57
[QUOTE=FindingPeace1;2888880][QUOTE=blwninthewind;2888802]
You can expect and trust that alcoholics will lie, minipulate, minimize, blame, dismiss, avoid, get angry, sweet talk, deny, etc. My RA did all of these....and then some!
You can expect and trust that alcoholics will lie, minipulate, minimize, blame, dismiss, avoid, get angry, sweet talk, deny, etc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Oh what a difference a good night of sleep makes...
Did I mention I also bought him a birthday gift?
Well, I did.
And today I am taking it back. And then taking my 13 rd old shopping for new jeans, instead. Even at her worst 13 yr old hormonal nastiness, she is still nicer to me than he is.
Happy Monday, all!
Well, I did.
And today I am taking it back. And then taking my 13 rd old shopping for new jeans, instead. Even at her worst 13 yr old hormonal nastiness, she is still nicer to me than he is.
Happy Monday, all!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
The good thing here is that you recognize it, you know you back stepped by making those plans, having the thoughts of a nice "family get together", oh boy have I been there done that.
You are getting better all the time.
You are getting better all the time.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Even at her worst 13 yr old hormonal nastiness, she is still nicer to me than he is.
Oh, Tuffgirl, I shouldnt laugh, but 13? The hormonalness that is teen daughter has just begun!
I am teasing you. This separation could be the best thing in the world for you and her.
Yes, teens are selfish, (I guess I am too) and if I got my mom back to myself, well, I would be tickled pink.
Of course, this might just translate into a semi friendly grunt in your direction when she goes out, or to school. But, with mine, I took what I could get!
:ghug3
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Ha ha - she is growing into an amazing young woman, and I understand the hormones and need for independence (and designer jeans) and that I am no longer "cool" in her eyes right now. I am ok with it, because underneath is a kid who still comes to me when she is scared or hurting and just hugs me so tightly. I know when she scoffs and snickers at me that she loves me anyway. And that's worth a trip to American Eagle, I'd say! With her, I know where I stand.
With my RAH, I have no idea why this guy wants to be married to me?! You'd think I am red, with horns and a tail, the way he describes me. And when he is scared and hurting, he pushes me away even further. When I am scared and hurting, he mocks me. The difference is disgusting, when you put it in that perspective.
13 yr old hormones, I can do that. Grown man tantrums, forget it.
With my RAH, I have no idea why this guy wants to be married to me?! You'd think I am red, with horns and a tail, the way he describes me. And when he is scared and hurting, he pushes me away even further. When I am scared and hurting, he mocks me. The difference is disgusting, when you put it in that perspective.
13 yr old hormones, I can do that. Grown man tantrums, forget it.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
When he is scared and hurting, he pushes me away even further. When I am scared and hurting, he mocks me. The difference is disgusting, when you put it in that perspective.
Total insanity.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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I am ok with it, because underneath is a kid who still comes to me when she is scared or hurting and just hugs me so tightly.
I could not trust my parents to comfort me, my daughter knows I am on her side and love her silly.
Beth
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Good for you...
...she deserves those jeans and will appreciate them even if she doesn't say it out loud. Shopping with the daughter is one of the rare times she and I get along. I know, at some level, I'm buying her love and I don't care.
As for the husband? You already know what I'd say so you can just think it instead of me typing it. It rhymes with "guck that fuy."
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s My birthday's in August. I'm just saying.
As for the husband? You already know what I'd say so you can just think it instead of me typing it. It rhymes with "guck that fuy."
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s My birthday's in August. I'm just saying.
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Did I mention I also bought him a birthday gift?
Well, I did.
And today I am taking it back. And then taking my 13 rd old shopping for new jeans, instead. Even at her worst 13 yr old hormonal nastiness, she is still nicer to me than he is.
Happy Monday, all!
Well, I did.
And today I am taking it back. And then taking my 13 rd old shopping for new jeans, instead. Even at her worst 13 yr old hormonal nastiness, she is still nicer to me than he is.
Happy Monday, all!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Mine, too! i had a big plan a year ago and I just haven't had the heart to do the work to prepare for it. It's his 40th, too, and I'm trying not to feel guilty.
I'm going to get a card and that's all I can do.
Suckage.
I'm going to get a card and that's all I can do.
Suckage.
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