Alone22

I just had a light bulb moment while reading through different threads. I think I and perhaps we (codies) have a hard time walking away from the problem (which is really our AH, AW, AP) because what they are struggling with is called a disease. That is why it is so hard to turn our backs on them and let them find their bottom? Is there any other disease where you leave the person alone to deal with their disease? If just feels wrong to do so but yet as I read through everything that is exactly what we/I should be doing. The kind loving side of us tells us we should try and help but we have to fight through that feeling. It really goes against the way we are wired.

If they didn't have this disease, but acted the same way would we have such a hard time showing them the hand? I don't think so. I think we would look at them as huge jerks who make really bad choices in life and be done with it.

Hummm

jamaicamecrazy

I agree. I keep thinking that I promised "in sickness and in health" .And I do believe my husband is sick-emotionally. spiritually and soon enough physically because of the alcohol abuse. I remember my counselor saying that it was as if my husband had a terminal illness for which I had no cure. I remember thinking, "What kind of person leaves someone when they are dying?" But the thing is that not only is there disease terminal, it is also infectious. And we will be of no good to anyone else or to ourselves if we keep exposing ourselves to it. I cannot help my husband. More importantly he does not want my help or anyone else's at this time. I love him dearly but had to detach in order to save myself.

djayr

This is a very interesting topic. Sometimes I call it "ILL vs. EVIL" -- in other words, is my AW a sick person with no control or accountability for their behavior, or is she morally (deliberately) rebellious? Is she lying, cheating, car-wrecking, and destroying herself on purpose? Or does she get a free pass, because she has an illness called alcoholism? Her fault? Or not her fault?

Wow, those are some loaded questions which I have been asking myself for a decade.

What I think about illness: 1) the medical and psychological establishment PURPOSELY calls it an illness, that way it is covered by health insurance and they can get $$$. They TOTALLY want it to be a disease. 100% disease. So whenever you hear a doctor, shrink, or other medical "expert" calling it a that -- keep in mind that these are people would not get paid if it were simply a moral shortcoming; 2) it is called an illness because AA and Al-Anon call it that -- it is part of their model, and it makes the A feel better, and it also makes the Codie feel better too. And it works! Looking at it like a disease makes me more sympathetic, and I personally feel it is easier to detach with love when looking at it this way.

Why I call it evil (or moral failure, or shortcoming, or whatever): 1) AW is sober in the morning when she picks up the daily vodka bottle even though she knows it's wrong / kiling her / destroying our marriage; 2) she knows better, which is confirmed by her own conscience. She just says, screw it, I don't care, pass the bottle!

For my part, concerning my AW, I think it is about 30% illness and 70% evil. Just my opinion. And NO ONE gets more than 50% illness. Screw that. So it's partly illness, fine, but less than 50% illness and mostly EVIL.

I would love to hear what some other people think about this.

But getting back to your original point Alone22 -- a married person would not leave their spouse if they caught a cold, got cancer, needed surgery, or had any other pure "disease". I have often thought about my vows, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse -- and I used those vows to stick around for 16 years. But then AW really went crazy and started cheating on me. Is that part of her illness? NO WAY. No blanking way.

Great topic.

Blessings!

lc1972

Well if you want to believe it is a disease then it has the same concept as diabetes. Someone who is diabetic has to maintain a certain diet and cannot eat certain things. It is the same for the addict. Their disease is their response to the drug. So if you were married to someone that was diabetic and killing themselves by not sticking to their diet and were nasty calling you names. Or lying to you, stealing from you to get a candy bar and so on. Would you stay with them?????

There is only so much any one person can take.

Taking5

I completely disagree. If she is drinking everyday she is never sober. It is not unheard of to have a "morning after" DUI. I know of 3 people I met in AA that got one and they were not driving erratically at all. When you drink that much alcohol a day you basically never have a BAC under .08, and never make a sober decision.

After 5-7 days of detox she'd be sober, but if she is like me she'd better find some support if she wants to stay that way.