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Zero moderation...

Old 03-05-2011, 01:14 PM
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Zero moderation...

It's interesting how different alcoholics drank/drink in different ways. For me then I just simply cannot relate to the alcoholics who would talk about starting off slowly with the booze and then gradually over time increasing their dosage, so to speak.

For me then when I drank then I always would wish to drink until I passed out, passing out is the only thing that would stop me drinking. My intitial tolerance for booze at 14 was remarakably high and the point at which I would pass out from booze increased as my drinking progressed. Though my style of drinking also progressed to where i would gulp all of my drinks in one, so a drinking session of 12 pints alone would be 12 pints pretty much downed in one. Certainly the more drinks I had then the quicker they would go down and the more I would want more.

For me then I only ever drank to get totally and utterly smashed as that's how I liked it, I would get excited as those initial drinks went down in anticipation of getting totally and utterly wasted. That would never change with me and I could only ever view alcohol as a means to get absolutely smashed and it would be like that from the get go. So for me I probably would lose evrything pretty much immediately as once I took a drink then every second of my freetime would be spent getting obliterated.

Just interesting I guess how some people could drink with control, I never possessed any control whatsoever when it came to drink which is ultimately why I had to give it up and what ultimately highlighted to myself and other people my alcoholism. My thoughts and feelings towards alcohol are just alcoholic through and through. I guess it stems from being brought up in England as many people also enjoy getting blackout drunk and it's not uncommon but the differnce is that I always blacked out when i drank followed by passing out a few hours later. This would always be like that too which is why I'm an alcoholic and why I don't drink. For me then if I had any notion of control or moderation then I would drink again, so I'm grateful that I only ever drank to total and utter excess. I am grateful for that terrible consequences I suffered from my drinking both mentally, emotionally, socially and materially to in many ways as without them then I wouldn't have been able to get a full understanding of my reality as far as alcohol is concerned.

I think the difference with many other wreckheads in England is they have the ability to calm down and have a few at a BBQ or in the beer garden in the summer. For me then I would just end up buying 8 cans from the shop after an afternoon at the beer garden and just looking forward to mashing my head up. Also i would always drink far more than evrybody else and far quicker to. Ultimately they're all just lightweights. Ha-ha.

That's what's great about being an alkie, there's nothing lightweight about it as you've been there in the thick of it all and came out the other side and people can tell that you ain't bullsh*tting which I think is why I've never had a problem with other people as far as not drinking goes and respect.

Peace
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Old 03-05-2011, 02:04 PM
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Hi NEOMARXIST

Have you ever considered understanding your personality and motivations? I relate to you in some ways - lived in the UK (London) for 3 years. I loved it!
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Old 03-05-2011, 02:30 PM
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Hey there.

Yeah, I understand my personality and motivations pretty well and a big part of my recovery has been understanding, addressing and working on resolving/recovering from various personal, mental and emotional stuff that I suffered with and can still suffer from time to time with. I know for me then there was underlying stuff that I drank over and which is unique pretty much to me and my situation. I would only trust this stuff with proffessionals.

I find that overanalysis really doesn't do too much good though to be honest and other than stuff that I have to be mindful of on a daily basis, my recovery and life is pretty good really. My personality will always be my personality and I'm happy with that, I've always stayed true to myself and never sold out, I like the bands, style, politics, women, comedians, football team, that I've always loved and that will never change, unless it's meant to change. I loved booze and drugs too and it was a massive part of my life but I'm grateful for the mad times I had, the crazy people I met and spent time with, the crazy gigs I played at and watched and the insane trips that I went on. I've also had many amazing times in my recovery over the past 20 months and I have been truly blessed. I am eternally grateful for my acceptance of my alcoholism, knowledge of exactly what i would always be like with and acceptance of that. I'm excited and looking forward to my future and that's a beautiful thing solely courtesy of recovery. My sobriety and recovery gives my life a great future, my drinking life was totally hopeless and I'm grateful of that knowledge and that for me moderation is but a fairytale. Also it's a fairytale I wouldn't want as like I say, modertion and drinking to me just does not compute, I just don't see the point, total carnage or peaceful recovery for me.

I just felt like writing a post on SR and through experiences I have been at and seen recently out and about I just was reflecting on the reality of drinking for me.

Peace
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Old 03-05-2011, 02:56 PM
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I also see "moderation" as a fairy tale. And same for total abstinence as a problem solver. As I have tried many different things. But this may be just my ignorance... let's see.

Not sure what I believe in at this point.
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:04 PM
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Total abstinance certainly isn't a problem solver once you get beyond the intial immediate problems that the blackout behaviour causes. However total abstinance enables you to be in a position to get working on and trying to solve your problems, whatever they may be. To drink means that zero problems would be solved, just added to with new problems on top of them.

This is merely my experience however. In my experience then trying to resolve mental health stuff whilst still drinking was like p*ssing in the wind. Total waste of time, I used alcohol as my problem solver and ultimately it doesn't work other than a fleeting oblivion where I couldn't remember my name let alone worry about stuff and it made my head quiet for a while. Didn't last though and the only escape was another blackout. It wasn't going anywhere but the gutter for me and I knew I had too much to give than to waste away on a park bench as much as I loved it at the time in a strange kind of way - I only loved it whilst I had a plastic carrier bag full of tinnies, once they were nearly gone then I hated it and hated myself.

I guess when you're sick to death of it all then you will find your path., I had to reach my personal rock-bottom until I saw with clarity what the score was and experience, feel and see with my own eyes my reality compared to other people and where it would take me to and was indeed taking me to.

Grateful to be sober, grateful to be an alcoholic.

All The Best,

Peace
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:28 PM
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I'm also grateful to be here, and to be an alcoholic. These experiences have turned my life around in ways I never expected.

But are you doing things in line of what you know? THIS is my problem really. I don't stick with the things I know should work well.
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:34 PM
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Neo, your last post reminded me of a time a few years ago when I tried to order pizza on the phone - maybe 3 or 4 drinks in, I don't know - and couldn't answer them when they asked for the address. I had been there long enough to have it memorized, like 6 months or a year. I actually tried leafing through my little address book quickly to spot my address written down. What a dingaling.
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:41 PM
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I can only share my experience. For me then when I'm totally honest with myself then I know what needed/needs to be worked on and addressed. As long as I stay true to myself and I know that I am genuinely trying to work on what needs to be worked on then I will be rewarded with peace of mind and things progressing in a forwards positive direction has been my experience. Also, lots of things revealed themselves as I progressed too. My binges were like a reset button on my mind every few days so getting to experience my mind without a reset button brought new issues and stuff to the surface that needed to be dealt with and also a lot of stuff that I didn't experience properly as I was always wrecked.

Peace
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:44 PM
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Hey Toronto, good to see you man!! Hope you're well...

ha-ha, yeah I can remember vaguely so many times when i would go to a takeaway at the end of the night and not be able to speak to order anything. Literally my brain was so mashed that I couldn't manage ordering kebab meat and chips! ha-ha. It used to be funny back in the day but I just grew tired of it, along with other people too! It's easy to try to compare yourself to other p*ssheads but realistically I was always the worst pretty much and like it evrytime i went out too. ha-ha.
Had some majorly funny times at indian restaurants back in the day too, I had some great times when I was 18 which were solely as a result of just getting hammered but ultimately I just was sick of the person I became and the laughter stopped and it became dark alcoholic thinking and drinking and all of the negativity that goes along with it.

Peace
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:55 PM
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"My binges were like a reset button on my mind every few days so getting to experience my mind without a reset button brought new issues..."

I relate to this a lot. Except the "new issues" part - at least in my case, I think it's the old old issues over and over again. With me trying to mask them.

I truly relate to the problem here and now though, as this is what I do despite all he knowledge etc. I don't really have a reasonable plan HERE AND NOW
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Old 03-05-2011, 04:20 PM
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My path is my path and personal to me and my recovery. Fundamental to it all though is my sobriety; if I ain't got my sobriety then I ain't got nothing. Staying sober 'just for today' gives you the chance to figure out your path, taking a drink just brings more of the same and simply cannot be an option 'just for today' if you want to heal and progress your life forwards 'one day at a time'.

All The Best, Peace.
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