Omega060610

Tomorrow morning I will wake up to having achieved 9 months of sobriety. I wish I could say that I got my life back on track, or that I was happy now, but that just isn’t so. I achieved sobriety but not (full) recovery.

By this, I mean two things. I allowed myself to get side-tracked into working way more. Over the last half year, so much of my energy has gone into work that I have had virtually none for anything else. It was partly because I tried to improve my work performance in very early sobriety as a step to try to bring my life back on track (it seemed a concrete area of my life to “work” on). Secondly, my employer noticed my new levels of energy and dedication and “promoted” me. That is, way more work for the same pay. I have been flirting with burn-out over the last couple of months and am now taking a long weekend to try to get a breather as I was at breaking-point yesterday.

The other thing about lack of recovery is that I have some big life issues to resolve that I just haven’t actually started on. I have next to no social life. And I have no romantic life either and haven’t had for many many years. I live in a house I have wanted to move from for a long time, but never could decide where else to go. And I work at a place I haven’t liked for many years, but again never could decide what else to do.

So here I find myself as a 40 (soon 41) year old male with some pretty strong work skills and healthy savings, but no personal life worth mentioning. I need to start finding my way forward in life.

The worrying thing is that, in the last month or so, I have often found myself thinking about alcohol. I have several times been very tempted. Two things have allowed me to resist. Firstly, I know completely how much I would loath myself in the morning. Secondly, I am under no illusion that it is just “one drink”. Noooo, I would want to completely saturate my soul in the toxin. And I would be right back the next day. There is no way that feeling can be described as healthy, so I resist. And I will keep resisting!

Perhaps it is related, but in the last month or so I have again felt exactly the reasons I originally started binge drinking: loneliness and emptiness. I had actually forgotten about the strength of those emotions.

I need to ring-fence the time spent on work and get back to working on myself, or I will never be able to move forward. Perhaps that means resigning and living off savings for a year or two. It would be the advice I would give myself. But working is the one thing I do well, so it is a difficult decision to make. Perhaps it being the one thing I do well is exactly why I should be without it for a while. I would be forced to work on other areas. How is that for a high-risk strategy? But I get almost all of my human contact and most of my self-esteem through work.

To anyone reading this, who are earlier in their sobriety than me, please give yourself the time to work on you. I really wish I had valued myself enough back then. Or perhaps the issue was that it was “safer” for me to focus on my strengths instead of the scary areas. I just hope it isn’t too late.

Thank you for reading!

Ghostly

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Even though you are not exactly celebrating it - Congrats on the sober time.

ste

I don't think its too late and you shouldn't either, you've done so much already and you're only 40. I burned out in 1997 at the age of 41. Subsequently finding more balance in my life, while still drinking.
You have an advantage compared to me. You're sober, and can find balance before you burn out. Yes, work on yourself. No high-risk strategy necessary. Maybe a few low risk tactics?
One of your strengths you may be discounting is courage. It takes a lot of courage to quit drinking. Use that courage to explore the "scary areas". Why not?

Eddiebuckle

Omega, working yourself to the point that you have is just as much a threat to your sobriety as picking up a drink. Treat it with the same alacrity, because if you work that hard and eventually pick up a drink you won't have your job for long anyway. Talk to your boss, you really have nothing to lose.

Danae

From my own perspective I caution against quitting your job entirely (as opposed to renegotiating something with your boss that works better for you) since it could leave you without a daily structure and even more isolated and lonely than before.

Congrats on the sober time, that's impressive. Hope you find some other type of support to help you deal creatively with the life choices that face you. I agree that 40/41 is young, and you have lots of good time in front of you to look forward to, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

FrothyJay

I think it's rare that someone who hasn't relapsed is aware that things might not be getting better.

Recovery can be a destination, not an on-going battle.

I needed to find power that could restore me to sanity before I could start laying out my life plans.

If you're still experiencing the distress and discomfort of alcoholism despite not drinking, you might want to try the 12 steps of AA.

Charmie

when i looked back over my life there was a recurring pattern....i was always always looking for things outside of me to change how i felt on the inside.
what i discovered is that its an inside job.i too use the 12 steps of AA.
by working this programme i am fullfilled and EVERYTHING when im spritually well on the outside...ie,work,people,family,relationships etc work just fine.

NobleCause

Thanks for posting - I can completely relate to this and am currently trying to crack this very same nut.

Congratulations on 9 months. That's serious reason to be proud.

CarolD

9 sober months can be a solid base for discovering
how to improve your future...

I found my solution in the AA 12 Steps...why not check
that local resource out for yourself?

All my best....

Omega060610

Thank you, all!

I think my cravings have come out of both the increased stress as well as the fact that I didn't even get a pay rise out of it, which then fed into my issue with feeling I hold no value to other people. But both are of course just a work situation and not a personal one and I need to keep that in mind.

I have made progress in various areas of my mental make-up and understand myself a lot better now. I have also used the promotion to confront a lot of the aspects of my social phobia. Considering how much my sleep went up in that period, I hope some major rewiring was happening in my brain.

But I still got blindsided by how strong the sense of emptiness returned! Wow, that one is a soul chilling feeling.

Very early on in my sobriety I really wanted to make changes in my life but AA's recommendation is to wait a year (or more).

Well, I choose to place symbolism in that the length of my sobriety now matches that of a pregnancy. I choose to be reborn today and start making changes -- whatever they may be. I had to go through withdrawal and get used to a sober mind first. It is now time for me to put that to good use.

It is scary though - LOL.

Omega060610

Scary -- but also exciting and envigorating!

bcboy

Omega, first off way to go on 9 months! this is a huge deal.

First thing to sort out is this promotion without any pay raise or other benefits. Your employer is using you and they know it. This is not right and using today's tough economy is no excuse.

The place you are in right now can be an amazing time for personal growth. You are feeling a direct mental battle with your current situation and for the first time in your life you are dealing with a clear head. Now is the time to really sit down and decide what you want in life and go for it.

When a flame is placed over your hand your instant reaction is to pull your hand away out of harms way. Your mind has this flame and you need to get out of harms way.

Do not fear the unknown in any part of your life. Their is nothing like that fresh new feel in life's unknown. Embrace it.

I do know exactly what you are going through right now. I am 10 months sober and over the last month came to the decision that the company I have been running for the last decade was a big stress in my life and a big reason for why I started abusing alcohol.

About a month ago I was awake for a few days straight with thoughts running through my head about it all and made the decision to shut the company down and go find out what life has in store for me.

I have followed through and the company doors shut down the end of this month. I have 4 kids and a family to take care of, employees are now out looking for work that I have given notice to.

Lots of reason for me to keep on the old path, but I made the choice for me because I knew the old path was going to lead me down the road of drinking again. I could see the writing all over the wall.

Hope this helps.

Azreal

sounds like a great time to step back and take the path you want to take Omega. Congrats on the 9 months!!! Sounds like you're mind is realizing that you don't have all the things you want and you are rightfully questioning those things. What a great opportunity to start over again. If this means a new job or telling your boss what you need out of your current job, so be it! Without knowing you or your social situation, the only thing i would say is get involved with things you like in a social setting. Try to meet some folks with similar interests, but in an environment where you won't be tempted by the drink. Your situation sounds a little scary but exciting at the same time! I think change always is

TotoBidule

I can relate to this BIG TIME. I also work in a company that has a nasty habit of doing "promotions" with no extra pay. They even have an employment status here in France (Cadre) where, if you don't get a pay raise, your take home pay goes DOWN (more tax for higher pension later)! After initially refusing, I decided to accept, as it is the only real way to move into "management". It's a cultural thing...

As my reply turned into a mega-reply and is related but not the same, I decided to post a new topic...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2887828

FrothyJay

Uh, that's not AA's recommendation. That's a rehab philosophy that found it's way into AA. But you won't find it in AA literature. Unfortunately, many AA's speak it as if it's doctrine. Sort of like, 90 meetings in 90 days.

That said, it's an inside-out job, not outside in. Changing people, places and things does not fix my inner distress.

MsCooterBrown

You are unhappy (understandable) in your job and thinking of quitting. You are thinking about alcohol more often. Stringing these two thoughts together make me worry. I think you should persue other employment opportunities. I hope you find another place of employment BEFORE you terminate from your present position. Unemployment and extra time are breeding grounds for picking up that first drink. And we all know how that first drink escalates!

WatchTheSky

Thank you for the reminder. I'm 4 months sober, and I'm behind on recovery as well. I feel more like a "dry drunk" than a recovering alcoholic. I miss that "pink cloud" period of being high on sobriety and not really comprehending what it means to live sober. I end up resenting my sobriety. I hope that you can create the fulfilling life you deserve!

IndyOG

Hang in there Omega. Something that helped me stay sober my first year was service work. Helping others by opening the doors, making coffee, chairing a meeting. The commitment of taking on that responsibility put my recovery on a new plane. Last weekend I was asked to take a person to a detox center in the capitol far from my town. It was very solemn, humbling and what recovery is about. This week I'll celebrate 2 years sober and that would probably not have happened if not for chairing a meeting each week because I could never relapse and go in their feeling like a hypocrite. Sounds like your in a good position to help others.